So stupid but... I'm frightend of going out for lunch

[listsandbudgets]

I recently got to know a school mum and we get on quite well and she suddenly invited me to go out to lunch with her today. I said yes.

Now I don't have many friends partly because I tend to shy away from social things. I'm dyspraxic and have epilepsy and just have this stupid anxiety that I'll shame myself in some way. Sometimes even though the meds are mainly effective and I hardly ever have grand mal seizures now I still get occasional absences - they may only be 10 or 20 seconds but it's embarrassing in the middle of a conversation and then I can forget where I am afterwards for a minute or two. It's ruling my life - If I try to work it's hard because I lose focus with no warning, I've been on buses and forgotten where i need to get off. My co-ordination is awful and I'm always getting lost since dyspraxia seems in my case to come with no sense of direction. LUckily DP is a high earner but I feel so useless and pointless People always ask why I don't drive - obviously I can't but I have to keep explaining.

I'm now wishing I'd said no. She's a really lovely woman and I want to be her friend but I'm sitting here crying because I'm frightened I don't know how to make friends any more and what happens if it all goes wrong.

My life on the face of it is pretty perfect - 2 wonderful children, DP very supportive, materially well off..

but I'm scared to socialise ...

I don't even know why I'm posting. I know I should go - I could get a taxi so I don't need to worry about bus being late I hate being late.

I want to cancel but if I do I'm just turning down a chance of friendship and that won't help me either... should I tell her about the absenses.. I'm sure people think Im just being horribly rude.. what would you think if someone completely blanked out with no warning then seeeemed confused..

I've got to go out in an hour it's too late to cancel...

Sorry this makes no sense... I'm crying

Op I'm really happy for you.

Well done OP. I also have epilepsy, it's frustrating but never let it get you down.

Well done you!

I'm so pleased for you @listsandbudgets. I have epilepsy too and the loss of control of yourself is one of the worst aspects for me. That's badly worded but I mean the inability to control your own behaviour whilst in public (and even with my family) is really upsetting. I absolutely hate coming round and not knowing what I've done (or where I am!) Along with the fatigue, as you mention it's mental as well as physical.

Going out on your own to meet a new person is a huge challenge and you've done it so well. Very brave. I'm so glad for you!

(I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it isn't meant to be!)

Apparently I was aggressive to my daughter the other day and told her to fuck off and let me sleep Luckily she is adult, not two years old or anything

Thank you again. I'm glad I did it ... my fitbit showed my pulse rate was 122 sitting on the bus and I'd not even run for it! I was clearly generating more adrenalin than I thought.

@EnoughReallyIsEnough I know exactly what you mean. Most of my major seizures are nocturnal and I feel so exhausted in the morning and also as if I've taken a good beating. Somedays, I dont know when or where I am.