No proof of abuse means no help?

[NightTerrors]

I need help to get out, I don't really know what to say to the council because a lot of people go through worse in terms of abuse so I feel stupid complaining about things that are happening to me, and also there's no real proof of what's happening either so what happens if they don't believe me and I end up completley homeless with 2 children? I'll lose my children won't I?

I tried to commit suicide 2 year ago and so my boyfriend would have a pretty good reason to say I'm unstable and I'd be likely to lose my children if I can't even provide them with shelter. He has never hit me - he's hit walls and punched holes in doors and thrown things, but he's never hit me. He shouts a lot and can be verbally abusive but then denies that he's ever said things and so I don't know if he actually did say those things or I've gotten confused/misheard or just made it up in my head. I question everything, I might even be abusive to him I don't know, I just know I have got to get out.

Recently, I think he had sex with me in my sleep (I had a thread about that at the time, still very confused about that) but two nights ago I woke up to him using my hand to mastuebate himself (I pretended to stay asleep, so yes I let it happen and its probably my own fault) and touching me. I didn't want to say anything to him because no matter what I say it will always be turned round on me and I end up feeling guilty and awful like I'm the person doing all the wrong things. Truthfully I'm not easy to live with and I'm not a great partner at the moment but I don't want to be here and I'm suicidal again and it's not fair on our children and I don't know what to do. There's no proof to any of this so the council aren't going to believe me are they?

I don't earn enough to support us - nowhere near enough - I can't work more hours, I can't get a better paid job, I can't wait till I've done a whole qualification to get out I need to get out because right now I can only see one way out and that's going to leave my children without a mother and I don't want to do that to them.

Oh OP I remember your previous thread please try and report him to the police, contact womens aid and get some help.

The level of abuse you are receiving is more than enough to need and deserve help

Contact womens aid, do it today. He’s sexually abusive and punching walls is outrageous and you and your children are at daily risk from him.

Talk to your GP tomorrow, ask for an urgent appointment as you’re feeling suicidal and need urgent support. If your children are young talk to your health visitor. You need support in your corner and to start talking to anyone and everyone about what’s going on in your home.

Yes my council wanted proof before they would help me.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

So what do I do when there is no proof?

Your local women’s aid can help you to talk to the council and can advocate for you, please contact them and have a chat x

I had to report things, in fact I was about to take them to court as they was refusing to help. They backed down just before.

I've been trying to contact them but everything I try the service is busy and I can't get through and I can't risk it when he might walk through the door at any point, and obviously I don't really want my work knowing about this so I can't do it at work even if I could find the time. And that's the thing I know that the women calling for help are in far, far worse situations than I am and I feel guilty for even trying because they need help more.

Does he put holes in anything?

Can you record him secretly to "prove" to the council? Most of them will bend rules rather than risk seeing you in an abusive situation (mine "accidentally" removed my abusive ex off the rental agreement)

He has put holes in two twos and dented walls by throwing things at them but it's hard to know when he'll kick off so hard to record. I have voice recordings he's sent to me that are quite aggressive (screaming and swearing) but they might not be seen as proof.

Ah OP, Coercive control can be hard to prove but it is recognised as abuse , it's not always easy to prove emotional abuse but it's abuse and you will be helped.A lot of abuse isn't visible it's psychological , all the holes in your walls are proof of abuse
Please contact womens aid and they will help you with everything and the council , please don't feel not having proof is a reason to be scared to leave you're doing the hard bit by wanting too and starting to make a plan to.
Lots of luck and please contact womens aid asap xx

Also OP
This is NOT YOUR FAULT

I’m going to just address your last point about other people needing help more than you.

Many Governments have a Poverty line, and EVERYONE below that line is deemed to need help out of poverty. Everyone.

imagine there is an unacceptable abuse line. We can all see that you are on the wrong side of that line. Therefore it is your right to get help, don’t worry about the other women for now. Think only about yourself and your children.

Youre confused and unsure because that what he wants. You are right to want to get away, believe the women on here who tell you it can be done.