is it selfish to put my needs first?

[username12345678909]

I suffer from depression, anxiety, ptsd. I try really hard not to let my issues affect other people. I'm struggling at the moment and I want to put my needs first but I feel like I'm being selfish if I do.

I have children, late teens. Good kids, not really doing anything wrong just wanting to live their lives like normal people. Sometimes they want to have friends over to hang out or to stay the night. Nothing wrong with that at all and is a perfectly normal thing for them to want to do.

But I hate it. I can't cope with there being people in my house. It gives me so much anxiety. I know I shouldn't let my issues affect my kids. My anxiety and ptsd is my problem to deal with and it shouldn't stop them from living their lives. And I try so hard not to let my issues affect them. I've always put their needs first and made myself do all the things I needed to do to take care of them and do all the things they wanted to do even when I really struggled to do some things, even when I just wanted to curl up in bed and die, I never let it affect their lives.

But after so many years of doing that I'm just so tired. They are grown up now and don't need me to take care of them, they can do most things for themselves. I don't have to drag myself out of bed and do everything for them. I want to rest. I want to stay in bed in bed all day if I feel like it, I want to lounge around in my pyjamas all day if I don't feel like getting dressed. I don't have to be up early to feed small children or get kids ready for school, I don't have to get up and dressed and out of the house every day taking children to activities and playdates and days out, I don't have to force myself to socialise with other mums so my kids can have friends.

I've done all the things I needed to do and taken good care of my kids and now I am tired. I can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give.

Sorry I ended up rambling and didn't even get to the point.

My kids want to have friends over. I am severely depressed right now and can't cope with people being in my house.

How can I balance my need to be a reclusive hermit with their need to live a normal life and have a social life and do normal things?

Having a routine is paramount for mental well-being, whilst your children may not actively need you to do things for them, they need you to not take to your bed for an undetermined period of time or to neglect your personal care by staying in pyjamas for an undetermined period of time.

20 years of routine and not taking to my bed hasn't helped my wellbeing so far so maybe doing the opposite will help 😆

It won’t help your children.

I posted in mental health because I'm struggling right now. I'm looking for advice on how to balance my needs with theirs. They are not little kids and I'm not neglecting anyone, they are young adults who can take care of themselves.

What is the exact difficulty in having their friends round?

Short version. I just don't want people in the house. Other than the people who live here obviously. It gives me anxiety attacks.

Hey , I’m so sorry you feel this way ! Can’t you just make a plan with your adult kids , so if they know someone is coming over , they can let you knew in advance so you can stay in your bedroom and relax ? You don’t have to see them , they are adults they can do everything themselves ? Or they could just stay in their bedroom so you have the downstairs to yourself ? 🙏🏻❤️

If you can't cope with having their mates over, then why can they not go to theirs? That would be the compromise. You say they're not babies but how old? I think it needs some honesty about atm Mom can't do X and Y, you can do it and sleep over your mates o na weekend etc but this is what I need. Its OK to make your mental wellbeing a priority and THAT will benefit your kids. You don't have to sacrifice your sanity for them

What exactly makes you anxious though?

also I think your sons do need to socialise and it’s healthy that they want their friends around , because otherwise they will end up not socialising and could get depressed too 😞🙏🏻❤️

I do understand your frustration but what your proposing is counterproductive to healthy mental well-being. Stepping away from routines, day-today family life and responsibilities is a step toward worsening mental health.

Yes, you have older teen children but they don’t just need you for their physical needs they need you to provide examples of resilience through ill health and ways to maintain wellness.

Shrinking your world without an exit plan will damage your mental health further.

Sort term, well managed, mental maintenance would be something I’d encourage.

What management are you on for your anxiety?

When you say “late teens” I’m imagining 16-19 years old is that right?

Thank you @ShareLove and @SleepingStandingUp

They are 18 and 19. They do have healthy social lives and hang out with friends lots at their friends places and out and about. But sometimes they want to be at home and want to invite friends over which is a totally reasonable thing to want. I know I'm the one being stupid and irrational, but my home is my safe space and I'm really struggling right now. We had a big row today because I said I didn't want people to come over and they rightly said I was being unfair and it's their home too and they should be able to live in it and do what they want to do.

I hate that I'm letting my issues affect them when I've tried so hard for so long to not do that.

@PinkyU I'm on antidepressants. You're probably right and I am trying to step away. I guess I thought that once they were grown and didn't need me anymore that I could just stop trying so hard to be a normal functioning person. The truth is that I'm waiting for them to finish growing up and move out and be fully independent so that I can finally stop trying

Op. I get it. I feel exactly the same right now.

I'm really struggling and can't cope with other 'bodies' in my space. My suggestion would be to be honest with your kids and agree one or two days in advance tjat you can plan for - for me it's the impromptu nature that's problematic- if I know about it I can manage - I tend to stay in my room, let them sleep downstairs but have clear rules around noise/what time I need my space back etc. it's a negotiation process but my kids understand that it's not a one way street. I hope you are ok

I know this is a massively privileged thing to ask but is there any way they can have a space they can invite friends to - in a garage or shed or a “snug” which keeps another part of the house private?
our home is open plan and I dislike ds’s filling it with boys if I’m trying to relax so I do sympathise. We plan to convert the attic to give him a self contained bedroom and living space.

Dear OP, although they are older in years, in their hearts and brains your teens are still children and very much need you to be the most well you can be

I don’t have any words but I get you 100%. I suffer from anxiety and HATE anyone else being in my house.

@username12345678909 , I did read you reply thanks , but I see you had a row about having friends over , I feel a bit sad for your boys because like you said they are good behaving boys who respect you and don’t do anything stupid and don’t disrespect your house . How about make a plan with the boys about how often they can bring friends around ? Let’s say twice a month ? How often do they come over ? If it’s almost everyday then that is a bit annoying even for me if I think about it . But if it’s only like 2 times a month , I would really let them because I know it’s your house yes , but your boys are good boys and they also deserve to have friends over to socialise . I’m sure they also hang around at friends house , but it’s totally normal to invite friends over to their house too . Because it feels normal . ❤️ Like I said , it would be great if you can arrange it with your boys so you can stay in your room or downstairs and they can stay in bedroom , if the boys know your reason , anxiety , depression then they would be willing to accept your offer , staying in their room only , they have to compromise . It’s not your fault you feel this way , and they have to respect this too . My mum has depression , and she often doesn’t want to see anyone , and when people come over she stays in her bedroom and she never has problem with this as she knows it’s healthy for young adults to live a normal life and want to invite friends over ❤️

Nope, you can’t stop them. You can ask them to alternate between them hosting friends and them coming to you and ask them to limit it to just weekends.

@museumum That would be a great idea, unfortunately no we don't have the space for anything like that as we live in flat with just kitchen, living room, bathroom and two bedrooms.

@CandyLeBonBon Sometimes it helps to know in advance, but also sometimes that just gives me more time to worry and panic about it. But I also hate to have it sprung on me with no warning like when on their way home from a night out and text to say hope you don't mind but x and y are staying over. There's no winning for the poor kids coz I hate it either way.

@Plummer88 Thank you. Why can't all the people just stay in their own damn houses!

OP 💐 sorry if I say the wrong thing.

Despite your meds you still seem to be struggling? Shouldn’t you feel better on medication… you just seem so hopeless.

I think it’s pretty natural not to want your home/personal space infiltrated by adults/children/teens!

Could you cope with one night per week as a compromise.
Do they go to their mates, parents houses?

It is your house at the end of the day. My parents didn’t have depression but my DM was very house proud and I rarely had friends over, I always went out. Not many friends had mates over on a regular basis. Don’t feel bad.

In my opinion and it may not be popular but if they want friends over (and we don’t really know what it entails or how regular this is occurring from your post ) they may need to get their own place. Unless they contribute to rent or mortgage in which case you may need to suck it up…

(Do you have a garage or outbuilding that could be used as a gathering place? We have a cellar- which we intend DD to use if we still live here…has an outside loo. I realise that may mean expenditure that either you or the children may need to fund and may not be possible- just a suggestion.)

All the best.

@Suzi888 Thank you. Hopeless is a pretty good description of my current state. I've been on antidepressants for many years and they don't seem to make me any less depressed. I have given up all hope of ever feeling better and I'm just trying to stay alive long enough for my kids to grow up and be fully independent, then I'm done.
I think maybe if I'm being honest, I kind of want to be selfish and put myself first because I don't want to give them everything they want and make them so comfortable at home that they never want to move out. If that makes sense. I don't mean I want to make them uncomfortable and make them leave, just that if they have everything at home what incentive is there to grow up and move out. Oh God I sound awful. I love them. I'm just so tired.

No we don't have any such space, we live in a small flat. They do go to friends places often, I think the argument was because dc1 had been at a friends place too many days or nights recently and had overstayed their welcome but the friend wanted them to stay so dc wanted to bring friend to our place instead which I said no to.

It's not fair on your children to suffer because of your mental health. I'm sorry OP you have to suck it up.