I actually think if someone I trusted offered, I'd let dd go and live them - can't cope and feel awful...

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

Which just about says it all

She's not naughty or difficult. In fact she is delightful, good (mostly - she is 4), bright, articulate, sweet, loving, kind...

I have dreams of things I'd like to do and she features in pretty much none of them. I know how awful that sounds but its the truth. I take her everywhere and do everything I can for her but tbh I feel like I'm acting the part of a good mother, I do it all because I'd feel even more shit if I didn't IYSWIM? - I want someone to take the responsibility away. I really do.

I adore her but want some space - real space - not a night here and there. I feel like I want to give her to someone else for the forseeable future - I am not the mother I want to be, I don't have the patience or the energy to carry on doing it all on my own.

I've been feeling like this for about two years but its got worse and worse and right now I want to scream every time she asks for anything, I don't think I've got anything left to give. I want to pack a bag and run.

I don't think I'm depressed, just, well, selfish I suppose. Or just not cut out for this?

I'm still here! Thanks for the support - I feel a lot better today but still it niggles at me constantly that, actually, I've had enough and would rather just not anymore...

Try Diggers and Dreamers for info on communal living.

Where do you live?

Thanks for the Diggers and Dreamers link. Will check it out.

I live in Reading. What about you?

Deepest Darkest West Midlands, so nowhere near. But thanks for the offer!

Diggers and Dreamers is the place to find out. Have been in talks (well, drunken and disorganised ones!) with friends about the idea of setting up our own commune - going to look into funding from Radical Routes.

Ahhh, it's a shame you're not down the road!

I'm just looking at Diggers and Dreamers now, and it looks really interesting. I particularly like the look of Tipi Valley in Wales, although at the same time feel that that might be a bit full on for me (but who knows until you try?).

Love the sound of your drunk and disorganised talks with your friends. Go for it, set up your own commune! I've had tentative chats about it with a mate of mine, but the idea hasn't really come to the fore for either of us. Maybe I should give it some more thought?

My dh and I got married at a small community near here Braziers Park. I love the place, but get the impression that it's maybe not the right place for very young children. I'm keeping my eye on it for the future though, maybe when the kids are bigger.

I think your original post mentioned dreams that your LO wasn't part of... what sort of things do you yearn to do? (If you don't mind me asking).

ps if I suddenly disappear at any point it'll be cause the baby woke up.

Tipi Valley is just gorgeous - I have friends there, one of them had her baby under a tree in the woods there. They have had over 80 babies born there iirc.

I want (in some ways) to go back to what I used to do, which was environmental protesting, going where I wanted when I wanted, living in cheerful chaos, not caring about having no money, hitching everywhere, living in the woods, going to parties that lasted for days.... and getting arrested, being cold and wet and hungry a lot, never having clean anything, having a permanent hangover and half a drug problem... So not that great really!

But the fact that I can't anymore just makes me feel, I don't know, caged or something... and I know that thats just how it is once you have a child, and that most mothers just get on with it and so should I.

As I said, I adore my dd. I feel awful for wishing the responsibility away, I really do. But its how I feel - that she would possibly even be better off with someone who was happy to just devote themselves to her rather than trying to maintain some illusion of previous freedoms. I don't think I could ever really leave her behind and go off to do something else - but I'm not sure. And that is a bloody horrible thing to think about a child who is as loving and wonderful as she is.

I really do think I am not really made for this, that I've got myself into something that actually is too much for me.

That community looks lovely by the way!

Ello again. I love the sound of your 'old' life. Wish I'd been so... ummm, dunno what word I'm looking for here, but it sounds like an interesting life anyway.

I really understand where you're coming from when you describe yourself as feeling caged or similar - I feel exactly like you, the fact that I can't do what I used to do anymore feels so chaining and limiting. Try not to be so hard on yourself ('most mothers just get on with it and so should I'). I bet there are loads of other mothers out there who feel like we do. Well, maybe not loads, but maybe a few. I feel reassured to find that you feel the same way that I do!

You are obviously a lovely caring person and a great mother - I don't think that having the thoughts that you have are awful in any way. I think pretty similar things (and worse!) - when I get really down I consider horrible solutions like leaving my kids, and (I can hardly admit to this particular horror-thought).. killing myself and them. I know I couldn't really do any of those horrible things, but sometimes I feel so blooming trapped and that's just where my mind takes me. (You probably think I'm a fruit loop by now).

I don't know about you, but I see-saw between feeling like this and feeling more balanced and happy with the whole parenting malarky. I sometimes imagine that I'll get to the stage when they're leaving home and realise it was all wonderful after all.

I imagine that being a single parent makes your feelings more intense - having all the responsibility rest on you must make for a particularly 'trapped' feeling. Hopefully as your dd gets older, you might find you get more freedom back as she develops her independence and own relationships.

Anyway, nuff rambling from me for now.

Manoo - I know the feeling... and I certainly don't think you're a fruitloop.

Don't want to go into it on here anymore but feel free to email me on lollipoptree at hotmail dot co dot uk if you'd like to talk more about it all.