I actually think if someone I trusted offered, I'd let dd go and live them - can't cope and feel awful...

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

Which just about says it all

She's not naughty or difficult. In fact she is delightful, good (mostly - she is 4), bright, articulate, sweet, loving, kind...

I have dreams of things I'd like to do and she features in pretty much none of them. I know how awful that sounds but its the truth. I take her everywhere and do everything I can for her but tbh I feel like I'm acting the part of a good mother, I do it all because I'd feel even more shit if I didn't IYSWIM? - I want someone to take the responsibility away. I really do.

I adore her but want some space - real space - not a night here and there. I feel like I want to give her to someone else for the forseeable future - I am not the mother I want to be, I don't have the patience or the energy to carry on doing it all on my own.

I've been feeling like this for about two years but its got worse and worse and right now I want to scream every time she asks for anything, I don't think I've got anything left to give. I want to pack a bag and run.

I don't think I'm depressed, just, well, selfish I suppose. Or just not cut out for this?

Are you a lone parent?

I wish there was someone close to you who could give you the break that you obviously need. FWIW I am also not the mother I hoped I would be and I think part of ordinary motherhood, for many of us, could be coming to terms with that.

There will be ups and downs, I bet. I don't think you will necessary feel this way in a year, or a month. I have also felt like running off when things were tricky and I don't feel like that at the moment. What can you do to improve things? Take some action - this could be a good moment for you to do something for yourself and really improve your lives.

It sounds like you really need a break - childcare is pretty unrelenting at that age. Does your dd go to school yet? Do you work? Do you have a dh or dp?

If your dd starts school soon, I think you will begin to notice a difference then (if you don't work...) Also if you don't work, is it worth thinking of some work as a way of having a bit of adult time (not the same as leisure I know but still not childcare). Sorry if you work already... If you have an other half, does he take an active role, give you a break at weekends? Sorry for all the questions!

Yep - single mum - dd's dad sees her every two months and refuses to even speak to me so no help forthcoming there.

I do get a break - my mum has dd to stay once a week (though hasn't since before Christmas - busy/ill) so have even less right to feel like I do. But she is not very sympathetic to emotional needs/problems, and would tell me to just get on with it I suspect.

Whenever dd is away I actually wish it was for longer... I do miss her, but not desperately, just vaguely, like I think I should miss her.

Oh

I actually have to go but didn't want to leave this to slide down the board unanswered. I don't feel exactly like you, but recently (on Christmas bloody Day of all things, while cooking the evening 'lunch', slightly sozzled on glühwein) had a sudden epiphany of how huge, how overwhelming the sheer responsibility is (I have two, 2.8 and 4 months). I definitely had a distinct urge to turn tail and run. Tbh I am loving being a mother atm, but I really don't think it is unnatural or unreasonable to want out sometimes - selfish? yes, maybe, but selfishness is human for a reason. That epiphany was my first real introduction to the thought, which has cropped up regularly since, that the buck stops with me for the rest of my life. And who would realise that fully and not find it overwhelming?

Is part of the feeling of acting a part because we, as mothers, are constantly measuring ourselves? (I know I am) Did we come up to our own standards today? It makes me think of that Sylvia Plath poem, how does it end? 'Today I will not disappoint my twelve black-gowned examiners'. Maybe we feel especially guilty if we suspect our heart might not be 'in it' as much as others we see around us, who seem to be doing the mothering thing in a more 'ideal' way... But our hearts are always in it, quite literally, and yours is too ('I adore her'). Don't feel you are a bad mother. You are the best mother she could possibly have, because you are hers, with all your dreams and desires (that, by the by, make you who you are).

I know you feel a short break wouldn't be enough, but if you could do it, might it not give you at least enough strength and space to get a bit of yourself back and re-enter the fray? A couple of days' retreat? Might that be doable?

(It's berolina in an abbreviated phase, btw)

Feeding time at the zoo now - will be back later with answers...

Agree with bigwombat that when they go to school, you do suddenley get more time (work permitting). How old are you though Stripey - if you are young there is plenty you can still do, as kids need less attention as they grow older (example: my 6 year old went to school this morning at 9, and I won't pick her up from a play date till 630). Plus there are after school clubs etc. If you are a lone parent, it must be very hard, and tbh it does sound a little like you might be depressed - did you get PND after the birth? That bit where you say you feel like you are acting the part of mum, sounds very much like something I remember reading about Jordan going through some very similar feelings towards her son Junior, and only later did she have PND diagnosed. She was quoted saying she was just going through the motions, even at her own wedding. Now she is totally fine. Big hug to you, is there someone who could give you a weekend off? In-parents, sister, friend?? You think that you could give her up, but I think actually the pain you'd feel on being away from her would surprise you.

I'll take her for a couple of weeks if you want Stripey - I am a totally responsible mum of 2 (6 and 4) and if you are at the end of your tether, I could give you some space and time. Of course you would want to check I'm genuine and not a wierdo so I could give you lots of names of people to call to check.I am in London, where are you?

I felt exactly like you for ages, I took anti depressants which lifted my mood but didn't really change how I felt. I have been having counselling for a few weeks now and I can't believe how my outlook is changing. I am not a perfect mother, there is no such thing but I am dd's mother and I am doing my best and it is good enough! Please have a chat to your GP, you may not feel as though you have "depression" but talking to someone honestly about how you feel would help.

I don't think someone having dd to stay once a week really gives you the relief from responsibility that you are feeling a need for though, does it? Is it possible for your mum to have her less often but for slightly longer periods?

The other thing I would suggest, I don't know if it's feasible, but doing something by yourself (obviously need more childcare for this) which completely releases you from that feeling of responsibility, even if just for an hour. Something that you really enjoy and that occupies your body and your mind - I am thinking of sports, (watching or playing), music, dancing, anything exhilarating and cathartic and maybe even a bit scary and adrenaliny. Does that appeal at all?

For a lot of women the answer is returning to full time work. Many of us male and female are not really made to be with small children all day long. I could never have stood it.

I've been a single parent and it is very hard. You feel that you alone are completely responsible for everything. It is a lot of pressure.

It seems like it will go on forever.

But the best thing about children is that they grow up [snile]

Has she started school yet?

Sorry,

Sorry have been doing tea and bed type things.

She is not at school - she's at kindergarten three mornings a week but is leaving at Easter, and will be HE for at least the next year. I know that sounds like lunacy given the way I feel but its what I think is best for her, and it also means that we can start travelling again for a while - before I had dd I was a traveller, and giving it up to settle in one place was incredibly hard. I'm hoping that it will bring us closer, and help me to get a bit of 'myself' back IYSWIM? I feel like I've just got so lost...

I had what I recognise with hindsight as PND when dd was younger - I never had it diagnosed or treated, and it lifted after dd's dad left. A lot of it was to do with my feelings about becoming a mother, and the conflict it caused with exp - he made it plain from the start that he didn't want her, and I never really felt able to 'admit' to being happy and excited about having her. After she was born, although he lived with us I did everything on my own - asking him for help (sometimes in hysterical tears) got the response "You wanted her" or similar.

But now - I dont think I'm depressed. I'm happy enough in other respects, my life should be going well, I did well at college (I did a full time Access course last year), I just feel like the worst mother there is for wishing she could hand her child over to someone else. Its not like I just want a bit more time to myself, or a bit more adult company, its deeper than that. I want to screeeeeaaaaaam with frustration at myself for being so unmaternal - I do love her, and do all the things I should be doing, but its kind of on autopilot.

I'm not sure I'm making that much sense...

I can fully understand. It takes such a huge leap mentally(leap isn't the word, more like long slow painful process) to come to terms with being responsible for a child FOREVER after being carefree and responsible for noone but yourself. It is so hard to come to terms with; I still can't believe that if I don't keep an eye on DS then there's noone else that will. I have found it v hard to adjust. And actually i have a DH who is helpful but, even when they are around, men aren't as alert and switched on to the full responsibilty of a child as the Mums are, so i still feel it's totally down to me. And my Mum sounds like yours in that she will help out but thinks I should just get a grip and get on with it.
It's a shame your ex won't take more responsibility. Is he unwilling to look after her at all or is it that you don't trust him to? Having someone to share the load does help somewhat. My friend who had her kids when she was living on travellers sites many moons ago says she had it alot easier than I do (I'm in a house in London-quite isolating) because there were always others around to keep an eye on the kids; so if you are going back to living communally it will be a blessed relief I think. It helps me to not be too hard on myself and stop trying to be perfect as we all had imperfect upbringings and survived, so please go easy on yourself and do whatever it takes to make the childrearing easier. Sod the nightly baths; don't stress about anything that iasn't really crucial. Don't bother trying to give her the perfect childhood. hink of your own happiness as well as hers. If it makes for less stress then put her to bed early with an easy crap dinner once in a while. I don't mean treat her badly but I can tell form your post you wouldn't do that. If the HE thing is going to make life harder for you then don't be a martyr. Kids will really fit in well to a life that also please you so please think of yourself and how you might enjoy it more and make the changes. I may get slated for saying it but things might feel easier with a partner who helps you out and cares for you both so don'tclose your mind to letting another bloke in- it's got to be a soft generous one though!! Not another git. Be wise in your choice and maybe you can share the responsibility wth someone and your shoulders will feel less heavy. Of course I know this doesn't happen overnite but just don't rule it out. If your Mum doesn't put up with your weak moments then a nice bloke probably would. We all need soemone to lean on; especially when we have kids. If not a bloke then communal living is prob the next best thing. Sorry I'm rambling but i just feel for you as I knwo exactly what you mean; a day's break is never enough as you spend the qhole day knowing that the reponsibilty is till there and still all down to you.
Also try talking to your Mum as she may turn out to be more understanding than you think. You are her baby after all so if she knows how you feel she may step up to the plate. She may not have a clue how overwhelmed you feel. Just her reassuring you that she's there WHENEVER you need her may make you feel better even if you don't take her up on it. I felt better when I got my DH to promise that if I couldn't hack it; he'd quit his job and take over- I didn't really intend to ever insist that he did so, I just wanted to feel like there was a way out if it all got too much; it stopped me feeling helpless and overwhelmed knowing there was a get out clause. Even a close female friend might be able to promise to help when it gets too much so you know there is a break when you need it.

Thanks to everyone for the understanding.

Peasoup - ex refuses to have dd to stay with him. When she visits (for about 5 days every couple of months - they live about 80 miles away) she stays with his parents and he sees her during the day - none of them have ever been prepared to do more.

The communal living aspect is really what I'm hoping to get back. Its so isolating being a single parent in a society thats not really sympathetic and understanding. I was used to having a large 'family' of people around and I want that again for both of us. Also I want (however selfish it sounds) to get back some of the person I used to be - the person who is not just another defeated single mum.

My mum is very supportive in some respects, but is not always the most understanding of people. Her solution to most things is to suggest I see her homoeopath who, while he's nice enough, is not really what I need...

I do have some very close and very understanding friends, but the main reason they are understanding is that they are in a similar position so I can't rely on them too much for practical help! They are good for a drink and a moan though.

The sheer weight of it all is just too much sometimes. Even if I have a few days off I don't feel that refreshed - just resigned, which is no way to feel about your own child.

As for finding another partner () I have pretty much given up on that idea!

I just can't understand myself - I chose to go ahead with having dd knowing that it was my choice to make - I wanted her so much when I found out I was pregnant, despite the shock. I loved being a mum at first, when she was tiny, and wanted to have more children. It just seems to have all gone so wrong somehow.

Stripey,

Could you see a counsellor through your GP?

I ask because I have been seeing one for 2 weeks now for PND and was very sceptical but feel so much better. I can't underestimate how great it is to talk about myself for 50 mins!!!

Before I asked for help I thought a weekly hour wouldn't make any difference but consider the quality of that time out rather than the quantity - for whatever you might do. There's no point having time away from your dc if you spend it feeling guilty and worrying.

You're doing a great job, stop being hard on yourself, single parenting is the hardest thing.

I'd feel a fraud - I do really feel like the 'problem' here is that I'm actually just a selfish cow.

But I can see that it could be a good thing to do, because it can't be right to find it so hard I suppose?

So you're a selfish cow, so go with that! But do it properly.

At the moment you're only being that selfish cow in your thoughts. Maybe if you take some time to do something you really want, just for you, the balance might tip back the other way a bit.

You deserve to have some happiness, it's not selfish. Think of it as showing that bright, articulate, sweet, loving girl how to get the most out of life.

I understand how you feel. I brought up a daughter single handed myself. It's really hard when they are little and believe me mine was no dream at that age.

Try to imagine if you did give her up. How would you really feel. That's what I did when I felt like I couldnt cope. If you still feel that it would be for the better then seek some help. I also think that a longer break for some me time is a good idea. See if you can arrange that in the short term.

Also it does get better as they get older.

I'd feel like an even worse mother if I gave her up. But if things with her father were different, I'd seriously be considering asking him to have her for six months.

I don't think its possible to arrange a longer break - it just helps immeasurably to admit to it and get some understanding. And to have some brandy

Enjoy your brandy.

What struck a cord with me was when you mentioned living in a commune type arrangement. I used to dream of that when DD was little. There are so many single mums out there going through very similar experiences. A partner isnt the be all and end all what you need is just support.

You'll get through it, I promise. Your DD sounds lovely and dont be so hard on yourself.

Stripey, the very fact that you feel like "a fraud and a selfish cow" shows you are not actually that. Selfish cows don't post on here about how bad and unmaternal they feel, they just get on with being selfish and unmaternal and leave their kids with whoever they can find to palm them off on, or leave them alone - even worse. The fact that you are able to confront this issue head-on shows me you actually are a more caring parent than you realise. Going back to the community sounds good, but home ed could be more pressure - though if you go on the home ed part of mumsnet you will see that there are lots of groups around, and they recommend getting other people involved for chunks of time in the day, eg one person takes child swimming, or a grandma takes on the teaching of cookery to the child, or whatever. As a mum, you do need a break in the day though so communal living sounds good. Good luck to you, we all have bad days, and depression can linger around but it sounds like you are pulling yourself out of it now. Big hugs!

Not sure if you're still reading this thread StripeyMamaSpanx, but if you are, I just wanted to say hi, because I'm feeling very similar about my two dcs (4 yrs and 10 months).

I'm also really taken with the idea of living communally, I really think that society is so isolating for mothers of small children (especially single mothers). I'm lucky to have a supportive dh, but he's away for 8 weeks at the moment. I keep thinking that if only I could get together with someone else in a similar situation, life might be easier and much more fun.

Whenever I go camping/to festivals/stay overnight with friends with kids, I'm always struck by how natural it feels for the kids to all play together while the mums share the burden of cooking and tidying and washing up etc.

I find myself not liking my life now I'm a parent... I often yearn for my pre-kids life back, the independence I had.

Anyway, not sure if I'd be able to persuade my dh to live communally, but if I could, do you have any info about how to find out about communities that would accept newcomers?

In the short term, if you fancy a change, come and stay with me for 6 weeks while my dh is away!!!