I’m not coping well can anyone talk, everything is darkness

[Eshlp]

I’m really struggling. I feel like an awful person with a terrible future. Everything is darkness

@Motnight I have, I’m really struggling a lot today. Sorry.

OP - first contact your midwife and gp (like dottylittlerainbow said). Pregnancy can affect your emotions and mental state - so they can help you get treatment. They may also be able to let you know procedures for how to inform your employers about pregnancy-related sick leave or any benefits you may be entitled to. I don’t know whether you have the option of bringing forward your mat leave (many people start at least a few weeks before the due date).

please also reach out to friends and family - to talk about the situation. Even if you do find you need financial help - don’t be afraid to take it - it is likely to only be a temporary (as I’m sure your skills will still be in demand) - one step at a time.

I know it is hard to break up with your partner - but he doesn’t sound like he would be a great parent - seeing how he treats you. Sending you good wishes !

Thanks @Namenic i will take those steps. As for my ex I just feel it’s all on me snd I was awful

You can do it.

I've always had pretty flaky mental health and I have managed to bring two kids up after leaving their dad when the youngest was under 1 and the other one was 2.

@Eshlp
Hi OP. Really sorry to read about what you're going through. It all sounds like a horribly stressful time for you and like you need some help. PANDAS UK are fantastic and are specially there to support your mental health and well-being during pregnancy and beyond

pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/free-helpline/

All the best x

Oh OP, have you got a friend or family you can go and spend some time with and confide in, let it all out? You need to share this with someone in real life. The night is only darkest before the dawn x

Having such a low day today. I just can’t stop thinking about the fact he is so absent. I made a list of things I wanted to do with the baby as they grow up like a sunflower competition, veg patch, walks, board games… then it hits me that their dad won’t be around. And I can’t cope. I don’t know why I thought I would be ok with it, I think I thought he would still be in the picture in some way? If that makes sense. And the total silence has floored me. I just figured we would co parent in some way but obviously not.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I also hear that you are trying to paint a picture where you have done something bad and now as a result your life has fallen apart? That you are a terrible person? But every post I read I could just see two people who got on and then had some fights, threatened some stuff, just engaged in some fairly common human verbal conflict. It all sounds ok. But I appreciate I am just a random stranger so my words might not hold much weight with you.
I am a Mum tho, and there is no point in sugar coating it, it is bloody hard work to look after a baby. You are clearly a successful professional woman, and you need the security of your work to provide for you and your baby. So you need to start making plans to get back to work, or to perhaps get some kind of early maternity leave or something. But start putting things in place, it will help your head if you can sort out the practical stuff. Also, try if you can to not put too much energy into the future sunflowers and veggie patches you will grow, that stuff can definitely happen, but it will be a while before your child will have any interest in that stuff anyway, so for right now you need to look after your mental health as you are giving yourself a battering, so I think a chat with your gp and some therapy would be helpful as you don't want to carry too much stuff forward.
Just be kind to yourself, start doing little things, make some lunch, have a walk, see if you can have a little think about work, try and move forward. Many women raise children on their own, you can do this. You have supportive friends and family, and you are learning also how to care for yourself. All good things for a mum to know. Take care.

@coffeeisthebest thank you. I feel so horrendous at the moment. I keep going over everything I said which wasn’t nice and how I upset him. Of course there’s two sides and he wasn’t perfect but I don’t think I will ever forgive myself especially as he won’t even talk. I am so scared about the future I’m barely hanging on. I think I might have to take early maternity.

Yes I totally get it, I have been in that place too, although my subject matter was different. I couldn't get out of severe self-recrimination and flagellation, I thought I was the worst human on the planet etc etc. You can pull out of that place tho, you can get a fresh perspective on it. Would you consider any therapy to help you move forward? We all say crappy things when we are angry OP, it's the nature of the beast. We do need to find a way to move on tho, to let it go and move forward. You didn't act on your desperate threats. I don't have any answers, sometimes these things take time to work through, and it could potentially really help you to talk it through with someone. Look after yourself tho and please see urgent help if you are in crisis.