I’m not coping well can anyone talk, everything is darkness

[Eshlp]

I’m really struggling. I feel like an awful person with a terrible future. Everything is darkness

Am sorry to hear this, can you talk about what's going on?

Hi OP, talk us through what's going on and you will feel better having told someone x

@MichelleScarn im just sat in bed where I’ve been all day crying. I’m aware it’s pathetic. I used to be a dentist at a lovely practice and I’ve been off work for all summer now. I’m such a failure. I’m pregnant and thought I could do it alone but as I’ve got bigger I’ve realised I can’t do this. My ex won’t communicate and I’m so scared about the future. I am losing income soon as I’ve been off for so long. I don’t know what to do this next five minutes let alone the night. I feel like the world is closing in I am so scared and feel so stupid I was so confident about doing this all on my own. I can’t. I’m mentally so low.

Awwww that's really shitty OP, you are allowed to feel like crap. I can relate to this I was once in your position, pregnant and alone. I was so scared, I genuinely couldn't see from one day to the next. But I kept going, I now have a lovely DC and we have an amazing relationship together, sure single parenthood has been tough at times but it's completely do-able. We have a lovely life and I am a completely different person to that sad scared woman I was back then.

You're a dentist so I can assume that you are a smart lady, you've had to overcome lots of obstacles already so you will survive this too xx

Do you have any family support? Or good friends you can call on?

In terms of work have you kept in contact with them and they know what's going on? Work have a duty of care for you, so you dont need to worry about that. Tomorrow, when you feel a little better, find out what assistance you may be entitled to while you're off sick. One day at a time xx

Speak to your midwife or doctor about how you're feeling and get some help if you haven't already OP.

@CherryLane92 i can’t cope at all. I feel like I’m frozen to the bed. My head is pounding and my heart is racing. Everything I read scares me about having the baby without support and then of course the cost of living crisi. My outgoings have gone up and I’m so scared. I do have family who would help financially if push came to shove but I just feel so so so vulnerable. I want my ex to share this and he won’t. It makes me feel devastatingly alone. I’ve never felt loneliness like it. I just see darkness it’s so hard to describe. I am so scared and I’m not even young I’m mid thirties how the hell will I cope with a baby like this

I’m such a shit person honestly. I have done bad things and that’s why I am alone. I just know it, there’s no hiding from it.

You most certainly are not a failure. You're going through a life defining moment which will ultimately make you stronger. You have a career which you have worked hard for, and without knowing your situation or your income- you can make this work.

Given your mood is low, maybe a good idea to call the doctors tomorrow and express how you are feeling? It won't do any harm.

My ex buzzed off during my pregnancy and turned up after DC was born, at that stage I was back on my feet again, in a routine with the baby and like a brand new woman- I didn't want to know him.

All of your feelings are completely normal, and the good news is that this won't last forever..it gets so much better I promise you x

One step at a time, you are looking at the big picture perhaps and currently, from your pov, it looks bad. From an outside perspective, your circumstances and prospects for a happy future don't seem so bad, but you probably need to give more info about those circumstances.
How/ when did your relationship end? Was your baby planned and wanted by you or your ex? Also, as a medical professional, you know that pregnancy hormones could be having a huge affect on your mood and perspectives.
So far, from what you've said, it looks like you have a good career, that pays very well, so when you are able to go back to it, you won't be struggling financially as many single parents do, so that's a big plus. Are you really alone? Do you have friends, if not family nearby who could support? Your midwife should be able to steer you in the direction for extra support so be open and honest with your feelings to them and discuss with your GP, you sound extremely depressed. I hope you feel better in time.

@Opentooffers the money is only there while I can cope though. What if I lose my job. Which I might if this carries on. I just felt so confident about going ahead without my ex and now time has gone on I don’t know what I was thinking. I think I assumed he would be involved in some way, even at a distance, as he always said he was keen for kids and has no others. We are both older parents. But he’s not interested at all, he won’t even confirm maintenance and it’s not as if he would struggle to pay. So I feel cut off from that perspective and like a total fool. I don’t think he even likes me much, we rowed and I wasn’t happy but I look back now and wish I had shut up as I feel so alone. I have family and good friends but it doesn’t get rid of this crushing fear. I am paralysed by it. I have this responsibility and I can barely get out of bed. Why did I continue a pregnancy in this way? I was deluded. I had time to change my mind and didn’t want to, I thought we would eventually co parent in some way but there’s clearly no sign of that and I shouldn’t have presumed. I’m so scared. I am honestly a shell of who I was.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]]
or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

You can do this OP x
( Lone parent here!)
You sound quite low at the moment as others have suggested it's probably worth getting in touch with your midwife or HCP tommorow.
Pregnancy hormones can be a bugger !!
I have been in a similar dark place where everything seems insurmountable but it isn't,honestly.

Keep talking xx

So sorry you're feeling like this OP. Pregnancy can be a very overwhelming, vulnerable and anxious time even for women who do have a partner in picture. I had quite bad ante/pre natal anxiety and depression with my first baby. It hit me hard and seemingly from nowhere. Please ask your midwife to refer you to the perinatal midwife team for support and also see if your area has free self referral for talking therapies- they prioritise prehnant women so you shouldn't have to wait long to access it once your referral is in. I had some free cbt via the phone in my first pregnancy and found it so helpful to talk through all the fears and anxieties I had about life once baby arrived and how I would cope.
It might also be helpful to contact citizens advice to ask for some info around finances as a single parent- see if you would be eligible for any maternity allowance, UC payments etc. And finally, the charity homestart does some brilliant work in supporting parents and families when things are difficult and overwhelming. You've absolutely got this- you are an intelligent, strong woman doing a really hard job of growing a tiny human. Please reach out for help to your GP and midwife team tonight or tomorrow morning xx

Hi OP, my mum was a lone parent, like you not by choice. But the hardest thing for us was that every so often my dad would show up and be horrible all round. If your partner doesn't want to be there, that's terribly disappointing, but in the circumstances you're better off without him.

It can be done. It wasn't easy but my sister and I turned out alright and ny mum has a restful retirement now.

Do insist on maintenance from the father, don't put him on the birth certificate, and find someone to talk to IRL.

You sound like you think fate is punishing you, and deservedly. None of the horrible people I've ever known admitted to being horrible. I'm sure you're not that bad! And anyway plenty of awful people have nice lives, there is no correlation.

As for being a failure, what's the world coming to if practicing dentists claim to be failures? I think you can safely lower your expectations of yourself. All the best!

Oh dear, what a horrible position to be in, no wonder you are feeling low. But it's not because you are a horrible person, it's because you have been treated appallingly and are are now dealing with a huge responsibility,
In practical terms, are you too pregnant to consider a termination? Would you consider adoption?
If you have ruled out both of those options, then it's time to start researching what support you can access .
You can get help with your depression, and you will likely feel better when you know what financial and other support you can put it in place, and have some control.
The baby's father has to pay towards the baby, it's not really about what he wants to do, you can put in a a formal application once the baby is born. But otherwise, put him behind you. The sort of man who would abandon his pregnant girlfriend/ partner is not worth wasting a single tear over.

@DelphiniumBlue @ThreeLocusts i feel like it is my fault though. I was so irrational in the first few weeks. I was really quite crazy. I threatened my ex with police when I felt like he wasn’t supporting me, even said his colleagues should know. I was off my tree. It’s really no wonder he hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me. I decided to do it alone and was confident I could and now all I want is his involvement however small. He won’t even talk about maintenance or anything at all so I feel like I’ve been totally cut off. I just don’t see a way through this at all. I feel so silly trusting him to be present at least. And now I’m so daunted alone and it’s my own fault.

This sounds familiar, have you had another thread on this?
Anyway, I still don't think it's your fault. If you had behaved as badly as you say, that is still not an excuse for the man abandoning you and cutting you off completely. It sounds as if you knew that he was not committed to you or the baby, and you called him out on it. You may have been extreme in the way you expressed this, but you were coming from a place of justified fear, and actually you were correct in your instincts. I'll bet he has called you crazy, but you are one the one left literally carrying the baby, and he has demonstrated that he is a pathetic loser .
You can't change what has happened, but you can decide that you will be in charge going forward, and focus on creating a home for you and your baby.

@DelphiniumBlue he obviously thinks I’m awful though to have cut off in this way. That’s the thing. He must think that about me. I hate myself so much for messing up. The future feels really bleak and scary

Honestly, he is the one who is being awful.
He has behaved dreadfully.
He might not like what you've said and done, but you are the pregnant mother of his child and moreover he was clearly provoking you..
I think you said that you'd apologised for your emotional outbursts, but he hasn't accepted that, and I read this like you must have been desperate to say those things.
Let me say again, decent men do not abandon their pregnant girlfriend.
He could have ended the romantic relationship if he couldn't handle your emotions, but still stayed in contact and been supportive and reassuring about the baby. He hasn't even committed to financial support! I am old and have come across this type too many times.. he is a what used to be called scoundrel and a cad.. selfish in the extreme and not facing his responsibilities. I'm sure your meltdowns were reacting to this, you knew deep down that he wasn't going to stay around to be a proper father.
Whatever you said or did does not excuse him. You have been terribly let down. Please talk to your family and let them help you.. if you were my daughter I'd want to be able to support you through this.
You are not a bad person, just a very scared one.

@DelphiniumBlue thank you for being patient with me. I feel terrible I raised police and his colleague about such silly things. I wonder if he’s not speaking because he believes those threats? Maybe it’s that? He did some rubbish things like drinking loads, turning up really late, not speaking randomly but I feel like I was worse. It’s definitely true that I felt he didn’t care and whilst I’m amazed he hasn’t wanted to talk about the baby on one level I’m not surprised either. Im very low about it all and struggle with guilt a lot which makes it worse. I feel like my life has crumbled.

OP please don't beat yourself up. Yes threatening police and character association was shit but so was getting blind drunk and giving you the silent treatment. It sounds like you're both better off not being too involved with each other.

I remember the first few weeks of my first pregnancy, it well and truly messed with my head. Cut yourself some slack.

And focus on practicalities for now. Start working the problem from some angle. Mat leave, childcare, family involvement... start pulling at one thread of the knot.

Even if you were truly horrid you've got to move past it. Think of it as a chance to redeem yourself.

I know it's easy to talk/spout wisdom on mn. Maybe I've got it all wrong. But you honestly don't sound like a horrible person to me. You just don't. People mess up and they're allowed to, especially with a hormonal mess sloshing around in their brain. There is a way past this, somehow.

Assassination not association!

OP, please reach out to your maternity team and ask for some urgent mental health support. There will be a perinatal mental health service you can be referred to and they will support you after the baby arrives too. It sounds very much like you are experiencing perinatal mental health illness. This may even explain some of your relationship issues and out of character behaviour. Focus on your own mental health and well-being. Reach out to family/friends about how you are feeling. Be honest with your employer that your absence is pregnancy related - pregnancy related sickness cannot be used to penalise you in the same way that other prolonged absence can. Show people this thread if you can’t find the words.

Things like maintenance can be sorted out later after the baby is born, via CMS. You may also find your ex more responsive after the baby is here.

@ThreeLocusts thanks for being so nice. I found his behaviour very hard, so hard that I remember thinking god this would be better without him. I didn’t behave well either but I’ve never in my life felt so lost and confused with the way he was being with me. It was shit. I guess i always thought he would be around for the baby though. He said he always wanted to be. I think that’s what’s really broken me.

Practically I have sorted two days a week of 3 hours so I can have some limited time off. Family are financially supportive if push came to shove but I don’t want to go down that route. It’s emotionally that I’m on my knees and just do not know how to recover, I’m consumed with guilt and stress.

Op I think that you have posted about this before? As others have said, please talk to your maternity team about how you feel.

Good luck.