How do you create/discover yourself?

[Morehousework]

I didn’t know what it even meant but suddenly feel as if I’m fading away.
one teen off being independent, one teen always on computer.
Dh exhausted and tho he is tryin more to be jolly, all he can really manage is tv and early bed.
doesn’t seem much fun.
mum recently died so huge guilt about that.
im very aware that I’m nearly 60. Starting a new job ( yay) but super self conscious as the boss is about 35. Feeling self consciously old and exhausted and so so past it.
I feel like I’ve been trying to achieve, motivate myself for decades and not got anywhere. Still haven’t painted the skirting boards in 10 years!
I just don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like anyone. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror . My body has changed with illness and age. and the last 17 years since kids feel like they were a blur of grey and housework.
I saw pictures of myself pre kids or with babies and I had created a career and an identity, it felt like. Now I just feel..worn out I think. And empty. Can’t get interested in anything, even though I try and gee myself up. It all seems so much effort.

help! How do I create myself again, how do I get energy and interest again?!

Maybe you are missing something creative in your life. Crafts and hobbies are expensive I know but so very therapeutic and maybe what will help you feel more fulfilled. My house is a mess but my hobbies make me happy. Find something to play with and good luck x

Oh, hobbies! Thank you, I’m guilty of putting them on the back burner as not important or crazily, a generic ‘mustn’t do them’ for whatever insane reason. Have a piano somewhere..

Exercise is a great place to start.
I do daily yoga- 4 classes a week, and the rest at home.
For me it lifts the spirit, calms the mind and gives me a healthy body.
I also craft a lot ( I sell the items, a small business)

Would agree with something creative (perhaps think about what you enjoyed as a child and start from there) and something physical whether that be walking/swimming/pilates whatever, might help with the energy levels.

It's a tough one, I understand what you are saying as I have had to do a fair bit of 'finding myself'. My house isn't the tidiest as I am usually pottering with hobbies (I also have fairly young dc in the mix) so it hasn't been the easiest of times to do this.

My circumstances are different op but I feel the same

Take up wild swimming. You’ll never look back!

I really like the idea of wild swimming knackeredagain but don't think I would like the cold water.

Oh you lovely ladies, how wonderful to get a reply and feel like I exist!
I did Adrienne yoga for beginners this morning ( ouch) it’s obvious I need to do more!
took a sketch book to a cafe and really enjoyed trying to sketch people. I realised doing tiny pictures was lovely. Doing ‘proper’ pictures went all wrong nd put me off. I’m learning you have to really listen to what you like. I think!
I guess it’s do the things you like and build on them?

returntonarnia love your username!

Thanks morehousework.

Yes, a good idea to try out some things and build on that. I have one main interest and another interest evolved from it. I also met a really good friend through our shared interest (there may be groups relating to your interest(s) in your area if you want to meet like-minded people).

Like you, I realised I had lost my sense of self (it wasn't all that strong in the first place) due to my problematic childhood. I couldn't even tell you what my favourite colour was a few years ago. Working and having dc, meant this all got even more lost in the mix. I started keeping a gratitude journal just to see what it was I actually liked. Now, I feel like I am getting to know about myself better than ever (late forties). I was always a people pleaser before but now I'm realising it is okay to put my self first. I had zero interests or so it seemed - now I have 2 or 3 other things I'd like to try and I'm never afraid to spend time in my own company (or attend groups/events alone) whereas previously, I seemed to need people around. My dh has very different hobbies/interests to me - you don't need your dh on board when trying new things - if he wants to watch T.V that's fine but that doesn't stop you carrying on with your interests, whatever they might be.

Work might leave you tired but on the other hand, your dcs are getting older now and can fend for themselves a bit more. My dh does pitch in with the housework/childcare which helps enormously but this aside, with relatively young dc our house is hardly ever tidy and I have had to lower my standards in relation to this a fair bit (in order to put time to other things such as my interests/excercise etc which leave me feeling better in the long run than keeping everything tidy).

I piled on lots of weight during my last pregnancy. I've managed to finally shift most of this weight and I have stopped hanging out in baggy clothes - finally bought some new more shapely clothes. I haven't been to the hairdressers in a few years now - last week I made an appointment and I'm looking forward to that! Also, arranging to have some dental work done and visit the opticians. I'm getting better at self care but it has been a long time in coming.

Wishing you all the best op. Time to put yourself (and your needs) first a bit more and have lots of compassion for yourself is key I think. Good luck with your new job, I'm sure you'll be taking lots of experience with you (including life experience).

Do something YOU want to do. Something you WANT to do, not need to do.

I'm in this stage of not really having an identity of my own atm. I've spent years struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and making excuses why I cant change anything.

Now I'm following my therapists advice. I'm looking into the past and picking out something I always wanted to do but didn't. Horse riding. We could never afford it when I was young and then I still couldn't afford it, I'm now obese so was anxious about whether I even could or if I'd be too heavy.

My friend has a horse and on hearing this, snorted with laughter and introduced me to her horse. My head is level with his back and she is actually bigger than me and rides him all the time. I'm not too heavy for him. He carries me easily, even though I'm somewhat less than graceful getting on him. I've had a couple of rides on him now and love it.

I still can't afford lessons so I'm going to work an extra few hours a week by changing my therapy time/day, cancelling Disney+ which I hardly watch anyway, getting a slightly cheaper phone contract, cancelling the insurance on it as I've never lost or broken a phone in my life and I'm getting bloody riding lessons!

You should try it. Its very impowering. Pick something you want to do, chuck all your reasons for not doing it in the fuck-it-bucket and make it happen. Doesn't have to be anything dramatic, doesn't have to cost a lot. Anything.

Dye your hair neon yellow, do a skydive, take an art class, take up busking Whatever. As long as its for you.

Re reading as I’m snuggled up with a cuppa, bliss, and I’d like to say ta, and send you a hug couldwouldashoulda I know your name from mn, it’s kind of nice to recognise people! It’s useful to know we aren’t alone.

speakout I’m trying yoga, second day! Telling myself baby steps, can’t believe nothing moves and it all creaks.

knackered again I’m kindof with narnia how do you handle getting in with the cold?
narnia
I am sorry you had a rubbish childhood. Well done for working it out ( I hope).I’ve heard a gratitude journal is a good idea. I’ve got so in the habit of denying myself everything I find even that automatically gets denied. Not even aware I’m doing it. Just denied myself lovely fresh tomato salad for some dry crackers. Er, why?

im a people pleaser too, it doesn’t do me any good and probably causes harm. I heard a lovely analogy that resonated more than the oxygen mask first - it was to see your compassion/ self as a tea cup. And a saucer. You have to fill the tea cup first and keep it full, and everyone can drink from the spillover into the saucer. For me this was a brilliant analogy I could grasp.

live now realised Dh didn’t help at all with house or kids as he was working and may actually have contributed to depression- he’d come in see the mess and say,’ what have you done today’ I was teaching myself computer skills and he’d say’havent you learnt that yet’ I think it’s eroded my confidence over time. massive well done for shifting weight! Super good. A haircut and new clothes is a brilliant idea. Again, easy to put on hold for ridiculous excuses. I hope it makes you feel good, I bet it makes you glow!
thankyou for this vote of confidence Wishing you all the best op. Time to put yourself (and your needs) first a bit more and have lots of compassion for yourself is key I think. Good luck with your new job, I'm sure you'll be taking lots of experience with you (including life experience) it’s been a long time since anyone said anything so nice to me it feels!
notanotherwindow want to do, not need to do..oh yes!

im in this stage of not really having an identity of my own atm. I've spent years struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and making excuses why I cant change anything oh goodness, this is me too.

something I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t..
( lots of things!) I mentioned sailing to my friend. He gently pointed out that I was making excuses by saying, the kids don’t like boats, Dh wouldn’t come, expense..and said, do it for you. Go on your own. Wow revelation! I could do it for me! Don’t even think of kids! Just escape!
This is bloody brilliant to read I'm getting bloody riding lessons! go you

and so is this You should try it. Its very impowering. Pick something you want to do, chuck all your reasons for not doing it in the fuck-it-bucket and make it happen. Doesn't have to be anything dramatic, doesn't have to cost a lot. Anything

im wondering about making a physical fuck it bucket and chucking written down excuses in it. ( but it probably wouldn’t work, but I can’t buy a bucket, the excuses will be stupid, it will be stupid..) oh my goodness. I need to do something about that voice!

Thanks so much, sorry to ramble. Can’t sleep. I feel like, I hope like, something is beginning to change. Just got to keep4re reading this thread for reminders.
💐

You should! Buckets are a pound. Who cares if it's stupid. It's your bloody house. You pay for it and can be as stupid as you please in it. Go sailing. Kids don't like boats? Great, it's cheaper for just one person. DH won't come? Even better, he can have the kids.

Do something that's just for you. You probably pay for kids activities right? Why? Because they need a hobby, it's good for them. So why is you having a hobby, stupid or unnecessary?

This is going to sound weird but the cold is the best bit! I am such a softie, really hate being cold, but once you are in it’s incredible, and you get such a sense of well-being once you warm up again.
Have a look on Facebook and see if there are any local groups you can tag along with. Try it once. If it’s not for you (and I guarantee it will be) you don’t have to do it again. It’s such an inclusive community - lots of women, all ages shapes and sizes, having a giggle, de-stressing and enjoying nature and their bodies.
All you need is a cozzie and a pair of swim shoes (makes getting in and out easier if it’s rocky). There’s loads of kit you can buy if you love it, but honestly, I say just give it a try! My swim buddies and I were only saying the other week how it’s been life changing :)

Volunteering at an animal shelter? I did that recently and got a big buzz from it.

Keep a diary

Exercise is good.

Travel to a different city for a weekend with a cheap air b n b?

Following for inspiration, horse riding and animal shelter volunteering are both great ideas.

So nice to hear from you!
notanotherwindow I love that ..You should! Buckets are a pound. Who cares if it's stupid. It's your bloody house. You pay for it and can be as stupid as you please in it
i think we need some daft ness in our house. I love your reasoning that it’s great if no one else comes! Good thinking!
knackeredagain you are so persuasive! I like the idea of all bodies and life changing. In what way? I Imagine bonding, excersise and feeling good! There’s actually some really nice people that go once a week. I always make excuses, it’s about 7 when we’re eating/ cooking. I could actually change teatime..hadn’t thought of actually joining them.

beargryllsdad cheap weekend away does sound good, I get really bored! We are in lovely countryside but I’m so over trudging round fields.
oh, I could get my bike fixed.
I think I’m too unfit to do much…cor brains really are good with the old excuses.
a diary is a good idea, i used to do the old morning pages and it used to help give me ideas, reflect etc. I’ll resurrect that. Thanks!
not so sure about animals..but we have just dog sat and I’m surprised how much I enjoyed having her around. Might offer to take a dog for a walk.?
mrstwiddle aren’t they great ideas!
does Anyone else think about others all the time - I can imagine the kids horse riding…but it’s an actual mental effort to imagine me horse riding. But like you say, notanotherwindow it’s good for you!
I’ve decided to take a bit of control back and declutter. I’ve got so many crap clothes that may come in handy but ar just awful. I’ll pare it down to clean and fit me.
that might help too!
Thanks everyone it’s really interesting to see how you do it.

Sounds like you have some great ideas there OP. Just wanted to say, apart from what you might choose to do/hobbies- you absolutely come across as someone with a definite ‘self’, even just in your posts here. You sound intelligent, insightful and reflective as well as open to new ideas. Good luck with the exploration!

Wow, thank you schmordle that’s a boost to my confidence.
at the moment it seems I am scatty and I am doing everything wrong and I am trying to find a thread to pull and get back to strong confident me. I’m sure I was once!
seems I’m needy now too!

Loving new hair and outfit suggestions. I'd also recommend getting rid of some stuff too, clothes that you have because they're useful but you never want to wear, sensible but joyless and never the thing you grab.

Re bucket You can also pick up a little metal container in a charity shop or use an old tin and burn them.

Yoga is easy to get wrong and cause more issues. You might want to have a couple of classes with an instructor. Personally I find cardio really helps me mentally more than yoga, I have to do low impact these days but it's still great. Classes are much more motivating too.

What did you enjoy when you were younger? I spent a weekend with an old friend I've not seen for many many years and took my kids to a little festival, both experiences really took me back years to very happy places, but also in a new present way.

suzyscat We're thinking along similar lines!

I like buying good quality/retro clothes from charity shops whilst trying a bit of re-styling - at such low prices I feel a bit more daring to try something new. Of course you can return clothes to 'ordinary' shops but this is great way forward if you are shopping on a budget.

Whilst some love yoga, like you Suzy, I discovered it isn't for me. It's a case of keep trying things until you find something you like.

The gratitude journal I mentioned wasn't so much about gratitude as such more about keeping a record of small things I like, it has helped me build up more of a picture of what I like doing/want to try as I really struggled with this. I mainly do this in picture/photograph form as I work well with visual reminders. Maybe this is similar to your bucket in physical form op.

I probably wouldn't try changing everything straight away. By making one small change, you will find it probably leads to others. It does sound like you have a good level of self awareness morehousework, I think this will stand you in good stead, wishing you all the best.

I've just found this thread and wondered how you're getting on a week or two down the line, @Morehousework ?

There are some lovely ideas here. Hope you're doing okay.

Oh that’s so nice of you to be interested! I’m also wondering how everyone else is doing?
I Am slowly dumping all the crap clothes, trying not to think it might come in useful. I’ve bought boxes to arrange stuff neatly. I treated myself to new jeans and have kept just one pair of tatty jeans.yay! Going to Chuck all the second hand stuff a neighbour palmed off on me too!
The most massive struggle is the endless cooking and cleaning. I can easily spend a weekend scrubbing for no discernible gain. It’s making me resentful! Im trying fly lady etc again! I see other mates on insta all doing hobbies. I seem to live in chaos. I am trying to Chuck stuff - and train Dh. I love that you have hobbies and less than clean houses! So much more important. I put off making Easter decor, now Halloween won’t get done… I really need to focus on me!
sorry if this is self indulgent, I’ve geoet flu so a bit mis. I think I’m finding me.. or rather I’m finding that I’m sick of being a housekeeper!
I hope you are all doing well?

OP I just found this thread while looking at this section and can relate, even though our circs are vey different. This in particular "I can easily spend a weekend scrubbing for no discernible gain".

yep.

It's so easy to forget the hobby stuff. But it's so important.

you mention feeling guilty about your mum, I had some guilt when dad died because I was relieved, but I think that's natural in certain circumstances.

I need to start sketching again too. I have some charcoals which are more forgiving. Hope you shake off the flu asap!

Washing is my never ending chore. No sooner is it done than there is another load ready to be washed.

I am covered in bruises in delicate places and still can't get the hang of my rising trot. I swear the horse is laughing at me.

I have a permanent bruise across my arm from the back of the saddle because my assigned horse is so huge I have to hang on for dear life while sliding down his flank to dismount and another on my arse cheek in the shape of my physiotherapists thumb print because I keep putting my back out from bouncing around so much. He too, is laughing at my woes.

How is everyone else?