Would depression make you say things you didn't truly feel?

[TheyThinkItsAllDone]

I'm a long time poster but changed name for this and probably another thread in relationships.

My husband has probably a long term history of depression. We've been together about 28 years and had our ups and downs which in retrospect have probably been down to depression that he wasn't treating and I had no clue.

About 4 or 5 years ago we had a big fight and he then said he was depressed and initially was refusing to do anything about it. I basically said that I wasn't willing to stay together and have that inflicted on myself and our now teenage sons.

He went to the GP and was prescribed ADs. He was on them up until about a year ago. He didn't like being on them, but home life was much better. He decided that he didn't need them anymore and spent about 6 months coming off slowly. He had some agitation and anger issues initially but sort of stabilised.

Anyway roll forward to the weekend and his favourite topic is how DSs need to get jobs (they do) one just finished uni and the other heading into his final year.

Upshot of the conversation was that he was furious and wanted to go and tell (shout at) eldest (has a lot of anxiety, probably ND) that he needed to make more effort and that we were not giving him any money. I didn't necessarily disagree but I did say that he might not want to speak to him in the manner he was as it wasn't a good way to be speaking to people. Well that was just a spark to a petrol tank. I've apparently been a shit wife for 20 years, also a shit parent, accused of not wanting DC to move out and they are a disappointment to him as well. For reference DC2 lives away and came home for a couple of days for his 21st. A birthday that he didn't even ask what we were getting him or doing and as DC travelled home on his actual birthday and husband didn't see him, he didn't even text him to wish him a happy birthday.

Anyway, I'm done. We are getting towards retirement and I don't want to think about spending the next 20/30 years with someone who resents our children and thinks he doesn't get enough attention. To be fair he probably doesn't but its a vicious circle/cycle in that I'm not particularly attracted to someone who is so self centred.

Would being depressed make you say things that you didn't believe or just mean that you let them out in your anger?

I have a close relative who's struggled with depression all his adult life but mostly went I medicated because 'men don't do that'. My amateur diagnosis is that when he was in a real low, he'd (unconsciously) pick a fight because the adrenaline of the fight was a better feeling than the 'nothingness' of the low. He's now thankfully been on medication for the past two years and all the aggro and pointless arguments have stopped. He's like a totally different person.

I'm writing out the pros and cons and the pros are basically getting rid of spiders and driving

I mean, that really says a lot. Never mind the depression.

I'm writing out the pros and cons and the pros are basically getting rid of spiders and driving - I think when you get to the point where you realise they create more work they they contribute, you’re basically done. I did that for a while and honestly, it was correct.

Thanks again everyone. I'm working today so just catching up on my belated lunch.

I've added to the pros list a little. I think i'll miss being able to chat about stuff where we see so much eye to eye and just not having that ability to rant about politicians we hate etc.

As part of the argument I said that he was self centred and didn't do anything for anyone else. His retort was that he did the dishes and ironing (mainly his own on both accounts to be honest - he generates most of the dishes and ironing), if he's said the grass cutting he's have had a point. But I said that those things weren't for anyone, they were just household tasks. However, I have noted that since then he's cleaned the toilet after himself instead of firing bleach down it and sodding off to work and he also added in the morning dishes to the dishwasher and put it on before leaving. He must be feeling guilty. It's the lack of support really and it sounds petty but I am sick to the back teeth of asking for suggestions for meals before going to the shops and getting nothing back. Yep, I'll just think of 7 days of meals every fucking week.

@TheyThinkItsAllDone Because sometimes she would express remorse afterwards and treated me very lovingly the rest of the time when she was in a better space, so I knew I was genuinely loved but she was quite tormented by anxiety and depression.

Not sure if anyone is still about, but it's done. We are going our separate ways and we've agreed to be as civil as possible about it. Nothing happening immediately as we want to tell DC together and at the same time, DC2 was planning a visit in a few weeks so we'll keep up a pretence for now but we will start to plan out our finances and practicalities of unpicking our shared life in the meantime.

We both wanted it in the end and it's a relief but it's also a scary prospect to choose a new life. I think it will feel more real when tell people and aren't living in the same house. We've agreed to let each other know if we do tell anyone but I don't think this counts.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to post and share your thoughts and advice. Much appreciated.

Well done for biting the bullet TheyThink. It’ll come in waves as you process things. Be prepared for him to change his mind and beg to try again (mine did, he lasted about 3 weeks). You’ve got time to seek legal advice, get yourself together. I found I couldn’t tell many people, one a day maximum, to start with. It got easier.

Stay strong! You can do this!

Thanks @ThisWormHasTurned I don't think either of us want to do this anymore, he was a bit strange though talking about it being tough at our age to be starting again etc. I wouldn't put it past him to find someone else tbh. I'm not interested in any kind of romantic relationship but I am worried I'll be lonely and I definitely don't want to lean or or make assumptions about the DC.

I have lived on my own before which he hasn't really other than short interludes.

It's not the life I ever thought I'd be living at this stage but the relief even from all the usual day to day annoyances will be good. I'll miss his side of the family too.

I don't even know where I want to/can afford to live, so there is a lot to sort out. He says he's comfortable to live a frugal life and to make sure DC get what they need which is a bit ironic given the start of the argument. He says he doesn't think he should live in a hovel and I don't think there is any need for that. I've said as far as I am concerned I am happy to be completely fair and open about finances which I am. As long as his behaviour is reasonable, I've no wish to be nasty for the sake of it, in the end it's the DC that will hurt too.

Hey, how are you feeling a couple of days on?

I get that feeling of “This isn’t what I had anticipated’. It’s a huge adjustment. I’m still processing bit by bit 7 months down the line. Now truly understanding my finances on my own. It’s a lot…but it does get easier.

Thanks and glad that you seem to be getting somewhere :)

I'm fine actually. I think it's the right thing to do as otherwise I'd be more upset right?

I've just been out with some friends that we haven't seen each other in nearly 3 years! So I've had a lovely evening away from it all..

We started to have a bit of a chat last evening about what the future will look like for us both. Still haven't shared anything with anyone as it will be a few weeks before younger son is home so we can talk to them about it. They deserve to know first.

We are both on holiday from work next week so we plan to use that time to come up with an action plan of things that we need to find out about. Property costs, whether it's better to divorce or not etc etc so much to think about.

It's all very civil and been nicer than of late but it's definitely final and we won't be changing our minds. So basically just carrying on as normal for now. We've been together for nearly 29 years, I'm sure we can manage to not kill each other for another few weeks/months. I know it might not all be plain sailing as we move through the process, but I'd like to end on a civil footing where we can attend shared family events together.

At this point I have no idea where I'd like to live or anything, it just feels a wee bit bizarre.