What help is available for me

[FeelingGuilty151]

I have a history of abuse, I mentioned it in chat cos I just wanted to talk about it as I didn’t know where to post but my head is all over the place. I’m developing really bad thoughts that’s making me worry I’m turning into my abuser. These thoughts make me feel physically sick cos I know I would never be able to live with myself. Who can I talk to, I don’t wanna be judged or have people think I’m a bad person or that I’m a danger 😞

I feel like I am having a panic attack and just want to overdose

Speak to samaritans, it's free and judgement free. If you're in immediate danger, call 999

Perhaps you need to speak to a psychologist, or rape crisis,to deal with the past abuse. That may help you deal with unhealthy thoughts now.

What if they think I’m an abuser or they report me? Cos I’m a student nurse. What if I’m deemed unfit to practice because of my bad thoughts I would never act on

The thought of this is making me want to cry 😭

They may find out that you are an abuser, but will help you through it. They want to help you. And being a student nurse might not be a good idea right now, but you could return after you seek help. Please help yourself and others

Overdosing is not the answer. Are you feeling this right now? You could phone the Samaritans and they will listen to you. They won't judge, and you might find it helps to talk through your fears about becoming abusive.

Otherwise, you need to call 999 and get some immediate help.

I’m not an abuser. I’m just having bad thoughts that I would never do because I’m actually a loving person and that’s why it’s making me feel so conflicted and I know it’s because I have unresolved trauma that I’m really struggling to cope with. The thoughts about wanting to overdose come and go. I’ll give Samaritans a call

The National domestic abuse helpline: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Your-rights-and-options
Also try Nextlink in your area.
There should also be an IDVA (Independent Domestic Advise) service for you locally: https://safelives.org.uk/what-is-an-idva
You shouldn't have to give your real name

First step is to go to the GP. Talk it all through with them and see if they suggest meds and hopefully put you on a waiting list for therapy,or a different course of action if they suspect a specific diagnosis . If you can afford to go private that would be best as waiting times can be very long.

In the meantime have a look at the mind website and see if any of the coping strategies would work for you.

Are there any mental health services that you can access through your course/trust?

Lastly, are these bad thoughts about harming yourself or someone else? If someone else,is that someone specific or in a specific way? There are all kinds of bad thoughts out there ,some stemming from OCD, some from anxiety etc.

OP 999 if you are really close to actually doing something to harm yourself.
The Samaritans.
A SARC (I read your other post where you refer to being groomed as a child).
Rape Crisis
Mind
Or try your GP?

Hi FeelingGuilty151, we're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We wanted to share some links with you in case they're helpful in finding someone to reach out to. Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We hope things look brighter for you very soon.

Hi OP I have name changed for this.

I had bad thoughts like this too and it turned out I was suffering with POCD.

Have you heard of it?
There's a link which explains it a bit but it's worth a general google.

www.verywellmind.com/pedophile-ocd-pocd-definition-symptoms-treatment-5191825

I had therapy and what I learned was that I was NOT a bad person. The fact I was having these thoughts and they were distressing me so much just proved that. Intrusive, random and unpleasant thoughts are actually really common and many people have random things pop into their brains but they just dismissing and forget them quickly. People like me will be really affected by a random horrible thought and by fixating on it, it then seems like more of a thing.. if that makes sense.

Also I'm aware you're intrusive thoughts may not be POCD like mine was. However I just want you to know you are not alone. We are not bad people. The opposite in fact. It is because we are good people that horrible thoughts upset us so much.

The fact you are aware of them is a really good sign as it shows insight and awareness.
There is a very good book about breaking cycles of abuse. I think this is perhaps trauma. Do you trust yr gp are they emitionally clued up and intelligent.?

I spoke to Samaritans, the man who answered seemed quite shocked and didn’t really know how to respond which I understand tbh it’s not easy to hear and I get it’s just a listening service, so I spoke about how I was feeling and he put the phone down on me saying my time was up. So I don’t feel like he understood or maybe he did judge, I tried again and there was an older woman who chatted to me about my degree, asked how I was finding that and I opened up a little bit about the past and she encouraged me to seek help because it’s so easy to get burnt out doing a professional course with unresolved trauma, she also said that if I was a bad person I wouldn’t be feeling guilt or disgust at the thought of it.

I just had an intrusive thought that I was forced to kidnap my friends and hurt them it was almost like I could see it happening and I just broke down crying because it triggered me so much

Someone recommended me STOPSO, so I referred myself to them. Honestly I need anything to get myself out of this horrible mental prison, my mind is my own enemy.

I have been with rape crisis, mind, alliance, camhs for trauma therapy previously and it just sucks cos I feel worse

My GP practice assign us to a GP but we are free to contact whichever doctor we like, we are not tied to them. In my experience, the doctor I had seen for mental health would not hand out antidepressants or mood stabilisers even tho it was advised twice by psychiatric nurses from two different areas (one being my local one), she told me to just refer myself to impact or to get counselling from the uni as the nhs waiting times are long, although I have been waking up feeling like my face and mouth is numb/tingly really uncomfortable as though there’s a thick air around it (I told this to the receptionist for my appointment next week) and I just don’t feel well, it happens all the time and coincides with a high heart rate. I’ve had a normal ecg and I have a doctor’s appointment next week for the symptoms related to my heart and facial discomfort. So maybe it is trauma related

I can relate so much to this, not necessarily in relation to children although it has happened occasionally but older teenagers and younger adults, the thoughts will disturb me and I’ll feel so angry at myself for the thought popping into myself to begin with. Im so glad you’ve received therapy and benefited a lot from it, it must feel like a huge relief and a burden lifted from your shoulders once you realise that it was all trauma and nothing to do with you as a person. Worrying for months that something is wrong with you, that your abuser could have been right or that you’re becoming them takes a huge mental toll. I’m happy for you that you found the cause of your thoughts

Does anyone ever just feel like they’re broken forever and that your abuse is starting to rot you to your core and that they’re becoming someone they promised their younger self that they would never become? Almost like you’re the shadow of the person who is the reason you’re so scarred.

in relation to POCD the only thing I can think of is when we were being physically abused by a parent (it’s stopped now), my body would react in that way to a sibling being physically abused and I would freak out and just shut my emotions down because it felt so wrong

@FeelingGuilty151 You are not a bad person and you are not an abuser. Nobody is going to think that.

You need to reach out for help with your mental health. You will not get reported or deemed unfit to practise. Lots of people in all different professions including doctors, nurses, teachers struggle with mental health.

Perhaps you might need to take a short break from your studies in the short term while you get better, or perhaps not. You need to speak to uni so they know you are struggling at the moment and they will hopefully be able to offer help and support.

And yes, I have felt like I was broken forever. But that was mental health problems causing those feelings. They were not true and they are not true for you either.

Do you have any techniques for dealing with the thoughts? Like mindfulness or CBT strategies if you have done any of that?

Or maybe just go out for a walk with some headphones and music playing to try and give yourself a break from constant thinking or some other simple activity to distract your brain? I know it is so hard to try these when you feel so bad, but any little thing you manage will be a small step forwards.