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Original poster

Suicidal

42 replies

LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 11:46

I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life.
I cry all day every day. I’m just existing so my kids don’t have to grow up without a Mum. My husband is great but he’s at a loss because I can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to die.
I hate myself so much. My life is great but I just want to die. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to phone the crisis team because wtf are they gonna do.

OP posts:
ednatheevilwitch · 13/08/2022 11:49

How old are your children? It's tough being a mum and I have felt like you. Things can and do change though and my life and mental health is now much better. Are you on any medication? Under CMHT? There may be some options to help you. Don't give up suicide devastates families and you never know what is around the corner.

Maireas · 13/08/2022 11:55

Ok. You need to get help. MN can provide links for various websites. As soon as possible make an appointment with your GP. There is no judgement or shame.
In the meantime, stay on here and chat if you want to.
How old are your children?

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 13/08/2022 12:05

Hi LidFlipper,

We're so sorry that you're feeling this way.

We're sure you'll get some good support from other Mumsnetters, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

If you don't feel you can talk on the phone, we also wanted to let you know about a new text service called Shout - please click on this link for further information - giveusashout.org. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope. They can help with a range of issues including anxiety and depression or if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Keep talking here, OP. There are lots of Mumsnetters who'll know exactly what you're going through right now. We really hope you're okay.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 12:06

They’re 8 and 9 months.

OP posts:
Maireas · 13/08/2022 12:08

Please read the posting from Mumsnet above. You don't need to talk on the phone if you don't want to.
What are you doing with your children today, have you family plans?

Snowshower · 13/08/2022 12:09

Just wanted to offer you a hand hold too.

There might be something the crisis team can do? They can help if they don't know how you are feeling.

Talking can help. Keep talking to us.

Also Samaritans etc will listen if you feel you can't talk to those close to you.

Snowshower · 13/08/2022 12:19

Sorry, I mean Crisis team CANT help if they don't know.

How long have you been feeling like this? Life with a young family can be incredibly tough.

When I was at my lowest, I thought I wanted to die. But someone talked to me and made me realise this wasn't true.

I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to keep living LIKE THIS. I just couldn't see any other option.

There is another option which is to keep going and get better. That might not seem possible to you right now but it is.

Maireas · 13/08/2022 12:23

Listen to @Snowshower - you don't want to live as you are, but you will need help to make things better.
Please use one of the links.

ednatheevilwitch · 13/08/2022 12:25

Gosh with a 9 month old you are likely to be up to your neck in postnatal depression. I had it and struggled on until I couldn't keep going and went onto anti depressants when my dc was 12 months old. Please seek some help this can be treated.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 13/08/2022 12:26

Hi again LidFlipper, we don't want to bombard you with links but as you've said your baby is just nine months old we thought it might help if we point you in the direction of an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through pre- and post-natal depression. Their webpage is here and they have a free helpline, available 7 days a week, from 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776. They can also provide support by email.

And finally, here's a link to Mind's information on Postnatal depression. It's an online booklet which has suggestions on what you can do to help yourself and your baby. It also explains what support is available and includes information for friends and family. Please do take a look.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 12:28

I’m with the perinatal team but they want to sign me off. I have bipolar disorder. I’ve been suicidal for about 15 years but have just carried on. Today it all just feels like too much though. I really don’t want to live anymore. But I don’t want to leave my children but I’m worried that it might not be enough.

OP posts:
Maireas · 13/08/2022 12:31

Of course you don't want to leave your children.
You have a baby, so some specific post natal support sounds like it would help. No-one will judge you, people want to help.

Snowshower · 13/08/2022 12:36

It sounds like you need help urgently. Please contact the perinatal team / crisis team / GP or out of hours. Whoever it is that you can contact in an emergency.

You are feeling worse so that needs attention. Don't agree to be signed off when you are still so unwell.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 12:41

I’ve just called someone a name on another thread so will probably be banned from here anyway.

OP posts:
Snowshower · 13/08/2022 12:57

I don't think that would get you banned.

Do you have any plans for the day? Is it hot where you live?

MNHQ
NadineMumsnet · 13/08/2022 13:00

Hi @LidFlipper we're definitely not going to ban you for that! Please do keep talking on this thread - you'll likely find more support and advice here than on the other boards Flowers

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 13:02

Ok I’m sorry for the name calling. I’ve texted Shout but haven’t had a response yet.

I don’t want to call anyone. I can’t get the words out. I don’t want to worry my husband.

OP posts:
Maireas · 13/08/2022 13:04

Well done for texting! That's the first step.
Your husband needs to know, of course he'll worry, but he can also help.

Maireas · 13/08/2022 13:10

I was looking at your other thread - you've booked time off to visit your dad, could you still do that?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 13:12

No being at my dads will make me feel so much worse. Nothing is going to help I just need to wait for my mood to lift enough that I can just slap on a smile and get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 13:15

My executive function just isn’t working. I honestly feel like I have dementia or something at the minute. I can’t function.

OP posts:
Maireas · 13/08/2022 13:19

When did you last get help and advice for this?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 13:19

I haven’t before.

OP posts:
lightand · 13/08/2022 13:24

You say your husband is great.
He actually might be relieved to know what is going on, as in at the moment he is in the dark.

AthenaPopodopolous · 13/08/2022 13:35

Maybe it’s time for you to go into hospital for treatment. Whatever you do, suicide really isn’t the answer. Are you actively planning? If so, you really need your family to call A&E or the crisis team. This can’t go on. Please do not take your own life.