No way out

[TeenyMouse]

I just don’t know what to do. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Think of suicide constantly. Very stressful job which I need to leave or take a long break from but financial issues so if I don’t work I can’t pay the bills. Suspected ADHD - the house is a complete mess as is all my life admin. I’m in debt. Lost my Dad last year and struggling with that. Four children one with severe MH issues and I know if I went it would destroy them but I feel broken. Health issues which make it difficult to exercise. Irony is my job is trying to help other people fix their broken lives but no one is helping me. So overwhelmed, even the smallest thing seems like a huge effort. I am no good to anyone right now. I just want to lie down and never get up again. Just can’t see a way forward.

You have an awful lot on your plate, I really think you need to be a lot kinder to yourself. You understandably sound totally and utterly overwhelmed right now. Have you told work you're feeling? Are they sympathetic at all? I'd hope so considering your job but unfortunately that's not always how it works. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're struggling? Could you get yourself signed off sick for a few weeks just to give yourself a bit of headspace? I've heard very good things about Stepchange a gov charity that helps with debt, maybe they could help you there. Don't worry about the house being messy or not getting enough exercise, you have bigger things you're trying to deal with right now. Do you have someone you can offload a bit too, a friend or family member, someone who can give you a bit of emotional support?

Thank you for your kind words. Made me cry that you answered. I find it really difficult to ask for help. I feel ashamed that I am not coping. I can say it here because no one knows who I am! People at work are aware of the stress and crazy workload but nothing actually changes - everyone else is struggling too so I am just left to get on with it. I tried ringing the GP yesterday but they had no appointments. I guess I would like someone to come into my life and wave a magic wand and help me sort everything out but I don’t know anyone who isn’t struggling with their own stuff. I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve been thinking of suicide for decades. I won’t do it - I just like knowing I have an escape route as an option. I think a lot of people have similar problems. Everyone is stressed and unhappy. Life is very hard nowadays, too much work and not enough government support to pay for the stuff you can’t do because you’re at work. Childcare, care for elderly parents, etc. No support services. No NHS funds to address illness and chronic pain. No grants any more. No libraries or other public services that we once enjoyed. Everything is super expensive so you can’t enjoy your life. Lack of decent jobs so earnings are low. My family are the only reason I continue living.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel like that too Emarjha. How do we get that spark back? There must be some joy in life somewhere? I can cope with a certain number of spinning plates/issues but once I get beyond that limit then everything crashes to the ground and takes my mental health with it. My DH doesn’t really understand and thinks I just need to get on with it but I feel completely unable to put one foot in front of the other. I have made plans to end it but I know it would mess my children up for the rest of their lives - not because they need me but because I have seen it happen to many other families - even the ones where relationships weren’t good. I wish I had someone I could just let all the shame and guilt and uselessness out and they would still like me anyway and take my hand and help me through it. But I don’t have anyone like that. I am worried if I ask for professional help I will lose my job - if people knew what a mess I really am.

And yes I think all the current world and political issues don’t help. It feels very bleak.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trapped too. Was planning a career change but the pandemic and the war have put a stop to that. My parents ran a shop and I was going to open my own shop, but Covid came along and stopped me. And now the cost of living crisis has made the business loans dry up and retail business is struggling. GP appointments and counselling are no longer available so I can’t get any mental health support. I’m autistic and I asked for help so they’ve put me on a 2 year waiting list to speak to someone. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pray that the economic conditions change soon.

Can you get a one off cleaner at all?

Apologies, I typed a reply then lost it! I don’t have the money for a cleaner unfortunately and would have to overcome my shame at having anyone in the house but thank you - it would definitely give me a boost if the house was in a better state. I am going to call the doctors again this morning though as a first step. I don’t want to take medication but perhaps there is a counselling service locally that I can try. I will ask if they can sign me off for a few weeks.

I’m so sorry Emarjha that you have had to put your plans on hold. Life has felt so strange and uncertain over the last few years, hasn’t it. I hope that you will be able to get some support soon. I know the waiting lists for specialist help are very long.

I’m so sorry to hear this, @TeenyMouse Please please reach out to a trusted person who can help you work out what needs doing today, what can be left until next week etc. You sound totally overwhelmed.

Can you be signed off sick for a couple of weeks? And you need to let your GP know you’re feeling desperate, they should refer you immediately to a local mental health team. Wishing you 💐

Does your workplace have any support you can access anonymously? Ours has an employee assistance program for counselling which I used last year - we did it by phone so it was really easy to do, they could offer evening calls etc as well. It really helped. I did also start medications, CItalopram, not expecting it to really make a difference but it did. It has allowed me to mentally take a small step back from the feelings, if that makes sense. I feel less like I am stuck and it has allowed some head space to make some small steps. You can also just self-certify for a week if you can't get hold of a GP immediately, and they will backdate a sick note to the 8th day if you need it. Deep breath. You can get through this.

Someone said to me - don’t dwell on what you can’t do, think about what you can do - even the smallest step. That’s what I am going to hold on to today.

Thank you so much. I will ring the doctors in a minute.

That’s a great suggestion - I had forgotten that we have a support service. I think I am holding on to a lot of repressed grief. Not just for my Dad but for other issues and losses along the way. Everything has been building up over the last few years and I really do need to let it out before it crushes me completely.

So sorry you’re feeling this way @TeenyMouse
I have been there too, with mentally unwell DC and potential undiagnosed neurodiversity in both my DC and me. I’m glad you are reaching out to the GP. I also did not want to go on medication but I started escitalopram a few months ago and it really helped take the edge off and give me space to think clearly and implement some changes. I was also signed off work for three weeks and was able to have a rest.

Dying is permanent, losing a job or even a house is temporary. Your job is not more important than your life. Please tell your GP exactly how you are feeling, get signed off and then sleep for a few days. Your DH will have to step up.

I have been exactly where you are, it has got better for me and it will for you.

this song helped me at my worst: Ingrid Michaelson, All we can do is keep breathing:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Svfd999aej8

I need to go to work now but will try and check this thread later. In the meantime, I am virtually holding your hand, ok? X

Thank you NCquickly and everyone. It means a lot.

How are you now @TeenyMouse ? I hope you’ve had a reasonable day and got to speak to the GP.

Hi, I had a really quiet day. Stayed off work and just rested really. Had a lovely bath but didn’t have the strength for much more. I have booked a face to face appointment for next week. I didn’t push for an emergency appointment. I also have the numbers to call the work counselling service and also a number we can call in my area and self refer for psychological support without having to go through the GP. That’s about as much as I could do.

I listened to the song that you recommended too - beautiful

I could have written your first post myself.

I feel so completely and utterly overwhelmed and facing the exact same problems. I can't see any way out. I've set a date in my head.

I am so sorry Summerbubbles, I don’t know what to say but I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone.

That sounds brilliant @TeenyMouse well done for reaching out for help. Little steps and as much rest as possible. Have you seen the yoga with Adrienne videos? She does little 10 min ones which again can take the edge off the stress just to get you moving gently and breathing.

@Summerbubbles and everyone else feeling bad sending love to you. Will check in again on this thread but keep posting and reaching out for help.

Today I managed to have a bath (love being in water!) and I have sorted through some of the washing mountain. It is going to take a long time to get on top of things but I am going to declutter 3 things today and hopefully tomorrow too. I am exhausted again now but going to have a lie down for a bit. Haven’t had a panic attack for 2 days so that is good although still very shaky. I really need to go out and get some shopping but just can’t quite get through the door. I don’t feel in immediate danger though.

I have the Samaritans number and I know I can speak to them if I need to. I think I really need to pursue my ADHD assessment (have ignored the paperwork for a year) as my lack of executive functioning is making everything even more stressful and overwhelming - I can’t seem to manage in the same way that others do. But that’s for another day. Being off work made a huge difference to the way I felt yesterday.

Wonderful, well done @TeenyMouse A bath sounds lovely and remember just take a little step each day. The washing can be done in bits and get your DH and kids to pull their weight.

Once you’re feeling a little better you could set yourself a goal to look at the assessment paperwork. Maybe one question a day or similar.

I hope you’ve had a lovely rest this afternoon. Can your DH do the shopping or can you order it online?

Sending you love and hoping things improve. Your message resonates with me so much, I lost my dad this year and it has completely rocked me. I'm not sure I have anything useful to say. The only thing that I remember hearing that helped was in your darkest times try to care for yourself and have compassion in the way that you would to a dear friend. I'm hoping things improve for you xx

Thank you so much. The shopping got done online and we paid a few pounds extra for same day delivery so all sorted.

I’ve been surprised how much losing my dad has affected me. Which sounds ridiculous but I honestly thought I could power through. Work were useless - bereavement leave was only granted six weeks after he died - but in a way it was easier to carry on working rather than grieve. I realise now that I have run away from or buried my feelings for far too long. Not just about Dad but about all sorts of issues. It’s been easier to ignore the letters chasing money or to walk away from difficult conversations rather than actually dealing with any of it. But that means I am still holding onto it all. It’s no wonder that my MH has collapsed.

Today I am still feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know how I am going to tackle all of this ‘stuff’ (physical and emotional) but I have found a moment of calm inside to at least see what is going on. Hopefully I can build on that. Hugs and 💐 to you all xx