No way out

[TeenyMouse]

I just don’t know what to do. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Think of suicide constantly. Very stressful job which I need to leave or take a long break from but financial issues so if I don’t work I can’t pay the bills. Suspected ADHD - the house is a complete mess as is all my life admin. I’m in debt. Lost my Dad last year and struggling with that. Four children one with severe MH issues and I know if I went it would destroy them but I feel broken. Health issues which make it difficult to exercise. Irony is my job is trying to help other people fix their broken lives but no one is helping me. So overwhelmed, even the smallest thing seems like a huge effort. I am no good to anyone right now. I just want to lie down and never get up again. Just can’t see a way forward.

Hi Teenymouse, no wonder you're feeling complete overwhelm, you've been dealing with so much. We and society expect so much from ourselves. There's very little scope for just being able to do what makes your heart sing for most people.

I have suspected Adhd too, and like you put off the assessment, waited 18 months for the appointment, then cancelled it. I got it in my head I might lose my driving licence with a diagnosis so bottled it. I would have loved to have had the validation that came from it but fear got the better of me.

I too have a DC that needs a lot of care, full time care for life in the case of mine and at the moment, I have the support although not local of my mum. Knowing she is not going to be around forever kills me.. I can't help but shake the notion that life is only going to get harder. Help for carers is non existent. My life in a bird cage at the moment is only going to get worse.

I too have too manh mornings where I feel deflated because I woke up. I have come close but don't think I could take my own life because of how it would affect my children. Its all that stops me and I'm sure so many others. Life should be better than that though shouldn't it? Hoping not to wake up? 😢

Great news about the shopping @TeenyMouse it’s all about taking the load off in small ways just now and giving yourself some space.

Yes, grief needs space and it’s good you’re recognising that in relation to burying or running away from feelings. First step is realising there’s an issue which you’ve done. This is all amazing, you’re on a path to something so much better. Keep taking it a bit at a time, remember none of these things is linear.

I’ve spent some time in really deep grief and rage and stopping, turning and facing those dark things has been so hard but I can feel myself emerging from the other side now and it is possible. These days I feel stronger and more able to reach out a hand to others. I can notice things like nature again, enjoy the little things like a funny book or a joke, feel joy and peace again. And you will too.

@oooohno @Thumbergia @Summerbubbles I’m so sorry you are all struggling. I hope you can all keep posting and reaching out for support. You all deserve love and healing. Wrapping my arms around all you warriors brave enough to post here.

I hadn’t thought of asking for help as being a brave act before. That’s a really good way to reframe it. Thank you. I have always thought of being vulnerable as somehow shameful.

I was wondering why you hadn’t asked your DH to do more to support you, and your DC too in terms of housework, putting washing away etc. I get the sense from your posts you feel like you have to do everything.

Humans are a social species. We’re not meant to stand alone. Connection isn’t just doing things for people it’s allowing them to do things for you too. At least that’s what I believe. If you found it easy to ask for help or feeling vulnerable you wouldn’t have to find the courage to do it.

maybe when you are beginning to feel a little stronger you can dig into some of these beliefs you have about vulnerability - possibly through counselling or similar?

I hope you’re feeling ok today, keep going.

I hope everyone is feeing ok today. It has felt so good to put work down for a few days. I know I can’t stay off forever and that sitting at home with the curtains closed isn’t a long term MH strategy but I am so exhausted I needed to just stop.

You are so right about connection NCquickly, and I’m sure that’s where I will rediscover the joy that has gone out of my life recently.

Just read quickly through this post, so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said, but wanted to say I hope you are okay. You sound such a lovely person, even when you are posting about your own problems, I notice that you are taking the time to advise and console other posters replying to you. My dh pushed himself and pushed himself, particularly at work and accepted absolutely rubbish service from the GP, then finally had a massive breakdown, tried to kill himself in desperation and ended up in a mental health unit. We had to make drastic life changes, downsized, gave up work, went on benefits, I became his carer, drastically cut back etc but we are now far happier. I know this might not be possible for you with children etc but please stop and be kind to yourself before it gets to that stage. Others might have suggested this before but can't you get signed off for a few months, not weeks. My SIL got signed off with depression for about 6 months. I'm not sure how long she received full pay for but maybe it's something you could look into. Have you got any friends/family who would help you get on top of things? Counselling sounds like a good place to start. You can always phone your local crisis team if you ever feel desperate. There is someone available there 24/7. I was always apprehensive about these kind of organisations in the past, having never had any dealings with them but they've saved my and my dhs sanity over the last few years. Please be kind to yourself and know that there are people out there who care and want to help.

That’s really kind thank you. I’m not sure I am a lovely person really but I am so glad you and DH made it through together and that things are better now.💐 It sounds like you have been through an incredibly difficult time and you are absolutely right - nothing is worth risking your mental health for, the price is too high.

The last 2 years have been tough for all of us of course not just me. I usually bounce back but this time I’m struggling to get off the floor. I am at a crucial stage of training in my job (career changer - due to qualify in the next few months) and desperately worried about losing everything I have been working towards if I can’t keep going. This was supposed to be an opportunity to have a bit of security, pay off the debts etc. I have my GP appointment tomorrow so hopefully they will sign me off for a bit. Even if that means I can’t complete the training and have to give up the job. I’m not sure what else I can do right now. I hope you all don’t mind if I carry on posting, it’s helping me make sense of things and I really appreciate everything you have shared here too. Thank you.

Have you and your GP appointment @TeenyMouse ? I hope it went/goes ok. Yes definitely keep posting here if it’s helping.

For your training are there provisions to defer or take time off for health reasons? If you talk to your employer they may be able to do something? It doesn’t necessarily have to be getting signed off for months, it could be you need a week or two to rest and you could do reduced hours/phased return? There may be more options than you think.

Same with debt, can you and your DH look into getting advice from anywhere to see if there’s a way to manage it better? Is he doing some of the thinking and worrying about the debt too?

When I was signed off it was for two weeks initially then I took a third week. I used the time to rest, and then later on I started medication which helped. My employer was incredibly supportive though and they persuaded me to do a phased return as I wanted to leap straight back in.

Currently I’m struggling a bit too but more as I’m having issues with low iron and borderline b12 deficient so I feel physically terrible. Got an appointment myself on Monday for repeat bloods so hoping they will put me on the injections.

Yes I saw the GP who was great. I’m having some blood tests next week to see if there is a physical cause for the exhaustion and other symptoms and she has recommended some counselling services as I said I didn’t want to take ADs. I was honest with her and told her that I had been feeling suicidal but was ok at the moment. She has signed me off work for 2 weeks and I need to see her again before then. I have stocked up on some vitamins, St. John’s wort etc in the meantime. I do at least feel
like I’m doing something.

Sorry to hear you are struggling @NCquickly and I hope you manage to get your levels topped up. I know a few people who have the B12 injections and it has really helped them.

I will have a chat with work next week if I feel up to it but just going to focus on resting this weekend until I feel a bit stronger. I have never felt exhaustion like this before - even when the children were little!

This all sounds so positive @TeenyMouse . Definitely a good idea to check no physical issues too.

The past few years have been so tough and it’s not surprising people are burning out. Resting over the weekend sounds exactly what you need. So pleased you’re looking after yourself.

Im doing much the same as I’m physically a bit trashed as well atm. In fact I’m still in bed! Planning a little walk, some housework and watching the football this evening after busy day yesterday.

Hope you enjoyed the football and that it gave you a bit of a boost. I had an OK weekend but feeling very flat again today. Still in my pyjamas. I’ve run a bath but can’t face actually getting in it. It all feels like a massive effort. I’m so useless, not sure what good I am to anyone when I’m like this. I’m just letting everyone down.

The football was just brilliant, we loved it, especially the DC!

I’m sorry you’re having a bad day today. It’s really difficult to stop all the negative self talk, but you seem far from useless to me. You’re doing what you can to reach out for help, and that’s brave. Your family and your DC love you. You might not be able to see it at the moment but you are of huge use to them.

I hope things have picked up a bit for you and if not then just know there’ll always be good and bad days, that’s totally normal. Let yourself have a bad day if you need one. Other days will come.

Thank you @NCquickly, you are very wise and reassuring 🤩.

Reading back I can see that I’m linking my self-worth to being useful to others rather than anything else. I find it hard to think of myself as being ‘valuable’ if I’m not doing things for other people. I genuinely like to help if I can but I also find it exhausting! No boundaries! And because of possible ADHD it’s hard to stay on top of everything and then people feel let down and I can’t bear for them to be unhappy with me.

I’ve created this crazy life of taking on more and more and more and more and then am surprised when everything crashes to the ground. I have thousands of unanswered emails, hundreds of unopened letters and so many unaddressed problems. I just put it all in a box, lock it away and go onto the next bright, shiny thing that looks more interesting! All while everyone thinks I’m lovely and so helpful and ‘gosh, how does she manage all that’ - while the truth is I don’t manage any of it. It’s chaos!

I really need to speak to a counsellor 😂😂. I will dig out my ADHD assessment forms as well and do as suggested and just answer one question a day until it’s done. I still have no idea if I will be able to carry on in my job. I do think it is too much for me but unqualified jobs in this area are very poorly paid so I would probably need to move back into something connected to my old type of work and I’m a bit out of touch now. What a mess. Sorry for rambling on.

Hope everyone else is OK?

You should see my paperwork drawer of doom 😂😂 I keep meaning to sort it out. One of these days …

It seems like you’re coming to some really important realisations about how you’re living at the moment, which is brilliant. Digging out the forms as a first step sounds like a great idea, so does finding a therapist, but above all allow yourself lots of rest. Hopefully your work will be sympathetic and it sounds like you’re very good at your job so they may be able to put some things in place to support you.

Keep taking those little steps and if you want to and it’s not adding pressure to the list of things to do then keep posting.

I hope everyone else who’s posted on this thread is doing ok?

I’m ok, waiting for test results and still feeling rough but hopefully they’ll come through soon. I’ve got a nice new book to read at some point (well to add to my enormous pile of unread books to look at anyway 😂) and some time off coming up.

Some time off sounds lovely and I hope you will be feeling much better soon. Glad to hear I am not the only one with a paperwork drawer of doom and a million unread books! 😂. I had a good day yesterday and managed to get out for some fresh air. I am enjoying how time has slowed down for me this week. Rather than feeling catapulted from one end of the week to the other, I have actually noticed the passing of the days. Still haven’t contacted the counselling services but will try and do that today.

Really glad you’re having some time to slow down and starting to feel the benefit. Sometimes I think modern life is just so crazy making. Getting outside definitely a very very good idea 🌿 I hope you can have some more time to just relax and get outside over the weekend. Bare minimum in terms of housework and tell your family you need to rest.

Do you have friends and other family to talk to as well as your DH?

Also some therapists will do a reduced rate for people who can’t afford fees so always good to ask.

I hope you have a good day today x

Thank you @NCquickly. I saw some friends yesterday and it was lovely but very tiring!! Still exhausted and trying hard not to do too much because I know I will go straight downhill again. Got to take it slow.

Oh that sounds lovely, so pleased you got to see friends. Definitely good to pace yourself. You’ve probably been burning out for a while so it will probably also take a while to recover. Gently does it x

Thanks for all the support everyone. This will be my last post in here. I had a bad day yesterday, very tearful and overwhelmed and all I could think about was ending it. I then had an awful dream where I was trying to kill myself and one of my colleagues at work was following me around and refusing to leave me no matter how much I screamed at her to go away. It has made me realise that I do need professional help - whether that is ADs or counselling and I can’t keep
putting it off. I don’t want to feel like this any more. I thought I could get better by myself and I can’t.

Good luck on your journeys of recovery and thank you for keeping me company for a little while.

So sorry you’ve had a bad patch @TeenyMouse I hope you can get the support you need irl. Maybe your dream was about asking your colleagues for support. Please do reach out and speak to the GP and get the help you deserve. Sending love to you.