No motivation and feel lousy

[adee1974]

My lo is one in a month, I have a lovely OH, house, part time job and comfortable life. And yet I feel terrible, is it PND? I thoght you only get this in the early months, I was bit scared and panicky then but it subsided...I joined classes and went to baby groups. Nowadays, if I'm off with my DD, we stay in as have no motivation to go out unless OH is with me. Can't talk to my mum friends as I've given the allure of being able to cope and they all seem to be doin a great jobs. Ome friend has recently had a baby and sent me some texts about stuff she was up to with him, and altho I was happy, I've just ended up questioning my own mothering skills thinking I should have done more with my DD before I went back to work. I feel so lousy and have babbled on, OH is getting bit distressed, is this normal behaviour? Sorry for babbling, I seem to get anxious and depressed (sit and think too much) about everything these days x

Hi adee, don't worry about babbling, its what MN is for! I read your post thinking "this could have been written by me!".

For me its PND but we may be different, in my experience however if you suspect it is there's a good chance it is. And yes its normal for it to affect you long after babys birth.

My HV gave me some advice that really helped me and that was to just feel whatever you want to feel. Go for it. Find five minutes that you can be alone and have a good old rant about exactly how you feel because you cant compare yourself to other people. I always tell myself i should be grateful i have a lovely husband and baby, i should be able to cope, lots of people are worse of than me....bla bla bla.... it really doesnt make one darn bit of difference to the way you feel right now.

and for me telling people i was struggling (and believe me i was great at pretending i was a supermum) was so liberating and everyone has been fantastic. Its scary but worth it. big hugs xx

PND can attack for much longer after the birth than many people think so you could well have that. Of course you just have good old normal D (like me ), symptoms are the same.

Sorry you aren't enjoying parenthood as much at the mo, please don't feel everyone else is a beter parent than you - most are probably just giving the allure of being able to cope too!

Do you feel more isolated now than you did in the early days? If so that is probably what is causing the problem. Thing is feeling isolated makes you stay at home more and so the problem escalates. I know of parents who have gone back to work and found getting the parent / work balance a bit tricky. We can't all be fab mums who do mamzing things with our LOs every day. On the occassions when I go out somewhere nice with my DDs I take photos, mention it to others etc. Don't tend to talk too much about the more common days when we do food shopping, housework, watch a video.

Don't want to waffle on so will sit back and watch thread unfold.

I'd say if you asked most mums 'don't you sometimes feel like ' they would say 'yes'. Those that would say 'no' are likely to be kidding themselves

It's a bloody hard job, this parenting isn't it???

How do you feel about rejoining the baby and toddler groups (sorry forgot to ask in last post)

Thanks for that, I've been looking at other people's threads and my babbles and worries feel inferior, really appreciate your advice though. I should be grateful for everything but I just feel sad...I started crying in front of my lo today after she nearly choked on toy piece, traumatic enough but then panicked about my reaction and how it would affect her long term...I'm always worrying like that- is she eating/ drinking enough, is she getting enough sleep and stimulation from me, nursery, will she walk talk soon, what can I do to help her. I'm getting fretful just writing this. Really can't talk to my mum mates, they'd look down on me and think why did I lie? Also OH doesn't understand and family, well lets just say it wouldn't be wise to talk to them again, as when I had my first meltdown in first few weeks of lo birth, they were ok, but now expect me to pull myself together. I wouldn't have a clue what to say to doctor or HV, when she came to visit when we moved, I once again acted like I was ok..my life is a sham, need to leave it x

Thanks Coby,I'm feeling totally lonely..confidence has gone recently, my mind races far too much. M&T groups terrify me, moved recently and when I went to one, found hard to break the ice, seemed a bit clicky so never went back. That is not like me pre lo...

Thanks Coby,I'm feeling totally lonely..confidence has gone recently, my mind races far too much. M&T groups terrify me, moved recently and when I went to one, found hard to break the ice, seemed a bit clicky so never went back. That is not like me pre lo...

I'm willing to bet your lo is a lovely happy girl who loves you very much. I'm glad that you are able to come here to tell someone whats going on, it's easier venting like this isn't it? There are very very few people in the world who's lives have not been affected by periods of depression at some time or another and even fewer mothers who can honestly say it all comes easily and they never panic. Your friends will only want to hug you and help you (like i do!)

do you have good days as well as bad ones? x

I feel relieved finally putting it down here, thanks for the hug RMM! I have good days yes, when I look at her and she has done something to make me laugh by giggling or the other weekend which we spent at in laws and seeing old friends, but come back and started feeling rubbish again. What has been upsetting me more is the effect I'm having on my little one by me feeling depressed, she is not getting out and having fresh air meeting other babies cos her mummy is too scared to go out the front door (unless its weekend when oh can help).

do you have friends locally to your new home who have children? Just note you said one friend recently texted you with exploits - is she too far away for you to join in too?

I feel very isolated where I am and suffer with depression too (badly at times). That is why I'm on MN so much, the only link I have with other mums - not sure why I'm ing, sod it! It works for me and is better than doing the M&T groups (some really seem very cliquey don't they - hate them myself!)

if you have just moved home, moved to a different area and had a baby you are very likely to get depression - just one of those things can trigger an episode of depression let alone three. You've done well to get this far! Trust me, I've had lots of therapy and know these things

do you really feel anxious about going out with just you and DD then? If you were near me I'd take you both out for a break (then you really would see crappy parenting in action! . No one lives near me though

I'm grateful for MN as full of lovely supportive people like you! My mates all live away from me, they talk about their own groups and going to other mum houses and I just feel worse, haven't got that. Want to get better for lo sake and my own sanity, sorry to hear you suffer from depression, hope you're feeling ok at the moment xx

I too can't go to M&T groups! its just the thought of it is so frightening and i'm in a new place too. I have actually just become a body shop party consultant going to peoples houses and playing with makeup and smelly stuff. It was a really scary decision but I've been taking ADs for over a month now and things are easing up a bit for me. I worry very much how i'm affecting my dd (i have mother issues myself!) and things still worry me, its just now its not quite so devastating. Anyway this bodyshop thing is just fantastic, much better than M&T groups and i make as much money working 6 hrs a week than at my previous 25hr a week!
Maybe a wee chat with your GP? not even to get ad's just to chat you'd be amazed.

What area are you living now?

Have you met your new HV - is she helpful?

You need to get help locally to you too. Believe me there are loads of mums right near you in the same position - we're everywhere

btw thanks for your kind words about the depression. Had it for years, right not I'm not good but I'm up and down like a blimen yo-yo. Today has been OK. I recently joined up as a cloth nappy advisor to get myself out and about - it has taken me a long while to get up and do but hey I've done it (and it helps)

glad you gettting on well with the ADs. Well done with bodyshop thing sounds great! Unfortunately I wouldn't know lipstick from mascara myself was a tomboy for too long

you guys are helping me loads, shame I don't live near you both! Need to book that appt with my GP, need to get that confidence and motivation to book and then tell them truth.Will not be revealing anything to friends though, denial is hard to remove!

My mind constantly worrying about my little girl, as she is asleep now I'm fretting about her breathing...I want the old me back.

yep, and I mean this in the kindest sense, you need to see your GP about this. I've been where you are now and it is hell. It's not fair on you, your DD won't have noticed a thing, as long as mummy is there and providing cuddles she'll be fine.

I suggest you two move down here we've recently recarpeted the lounge so DH won't allow us to move [shifty excuse emoticon]

You guys are giving me a kickstart, I live just outside of Manchester in Salford,where I lived before mums were more down to earth. Here they made me feel inadequate altho prob not intentionally!

You both sound like you are making positive moves, really glad about that and can't say enough your advice, depression seems to get you in a grip? Will speak to HV and GP, the new HV knows my mums friend so was reluctant to reveal anything, she gave me a questionnaire to do and I lied on most of the questions..not good really. x

ha ha , men what are they like when they've done their handiwork? Mine the same when he did the laminate flooring...as if we're not going to walk/ toddle on it!

I love MN for meeting guys like you, feel bit more positive, so will ring doctors tomorrow and make an appt for one of my days off, still bit unsure about what I'll say but will give it a try

have you looked to see if there are any MNetters near you - sure there are. You could spy on them on the talk boards then if they seem your type get chatting then suggest a meet-up. Sounds a bit sly but its not at all and needs must etc.

There are quite a few MNetters who I think I would get on with in RL but they all live miles away. Locally they are mainly weird IMO - all the nice ones work full time

(discalimer -Moljam lives near me, she isn't one of the weird ones)

I was petrified before my appointment, almost didn't go but it was as if half the problem went away by simply admitting it and asking for help. it was like, im not just a crappy person/mother there is actually something else going on. good luck, you can do it!

write a list (an honest one) of how you have been feeling lately. Take it with you when you go and see the GP so if you find it hard to talk about you can just give him or her the list. They won't be suprised if you go armed with said list, it's common advice for people who are suffering with depression.

He or she may offer you ADs so have a think about how that would make you feel. I've been on them relatively recently having avoided them for years.

Hope you have a useful HV - mine just said 'go to the M&T meets'..as if I hadn't thought of that one . Not sure what else she could have suggested though

thanks guys, off to bed now, have taken all your advice on board, will do somthing next week, prob will have to write it down.

Coby - if I lived near you would come and say howdy! you need to hook up with normal person moljam

Take care you guys, will keep you posted xxx

night night. and i very much second the list idea - i did it. xx

I got mild pnd with dd when she was about15/18 months. I didn't think you get it that late but you can. The Dr picked it up when I went to see him about feeling low, he prescribed magnesium and vitamin b 12. It was miraculous and I was soon back to my old self. Good luck!