Hi everyone. This is my first post so please bear with me and apologies for the long post.
I'm a first time mum to a 16 week old boy. I love him to bits and he is the easiest baby I can imagine.
After he was born I was miserable with sadness and anxiety but recovered fairly quickly. In the past few weeks out of nowhere I have started to feel very low again, after dh went back to work.
During the day when he is at work I feel so low and lonely. We lived abroad for most of our lives so don't have any family or friends nearby. I had a difficult delivery and recovery which I still feel traumatized about. My parents who I'm very close to couldn't be here with me due to my dad's health problems, which added to the feelings of loneliness.
I'm constantly feeling incredibly inadequate and like a shit mum who is doing everything wrong. My self talk is extremely negative and I can't help it.
Going out with my baby provokes a lot of anxiety in me and I'm so scared to even go down the stairs in case something happens to him. I'm forcing myself to go out with him most days in the week but it's taking a lot of willpower. I'm so ashamed that I'm finding motherhood so hard to such a lovely little boy.
Dh is very loving and supportive and takes care of our baby when asked but I don't think he understands how I feel. When he is home he just wants to relax and not do much. When I tell him about my worries he usually says things like "everything is fine" or "he's fine". We are both really sleep deprived and stressed due to a few other things going on in our lives.
I'm in some baby groups but finding it really hard to make friends there. Today I cried for an hour over a really minor argument with dh.
I really need some reassurance and virtual hugs. Please tell me it gets easier. Please tell me it's normal to find being a mom so hard the first time. Any tips to manage anxiety and depression welcome. Thank you