I want to end it all

[ButIWont]

But I won't. This isn't a suicide thread MN please don't delete.

Am in therapy and such

I have kids and would NEVER leave them voluntarily.

But am sat here crying.

Bad childhood. Had too many kids young. I didn't understand the gravity of it. I just wanted love.

But now they're all older. We're overcrowded. They can't have friends round because they share rooms. My house is tiny and a mess because there's no room.

I can't work because I'm ill.
I can't drive.
I can't afford holidays.

I'm a fucking failure.

A scrounging failure.

I love my kids so much but I wish I never had them

They're just normal kids. They won't go uni, they don't want to be barristers. They've just seen their mum sit home.

They'll have normal jobs, struggle. Never own homes. Struggle to put petrol in their cars. Struggle to ever get a break.

My girls... They're going to face inequality. This abortion thing is inside my head

Women are being iradicated.

Half the world wants war

I hate this world. I hate it.

I just want it all to stop I can't change anything because my head is so fucked up.

Please don't tell me I'm a shit mum who shouldn't have had more kids than she could afford
Mi already know that

I don't have any friends.

I tried to speak to my mum and she just made a throw away comment and changed the subject

You sound like things are tough - do you get help for your illness? If you cannot work because you are not well you are definitely not a ‘scrounging failure’.

Your kids don’t need to be barristers to go to uni. That’s not the defining mark of a successful life. We all have different skills and talents to bring and we’re all valuable. There’s no reason your children will struggle - yes it’s harder for some people but nothing in life is a foregone conclusion.

Keep talking.

you are having a really hard time. don't beat yourself up. you are a sensitive mother and vulnerable to these thoughts. thoughts are not facts. our young people are the most inclusive caring generation of past history. they carry their own dreams and visions. we will fight back with their help - against hatred and tyranny. the conflict and backlash is because the old ways are on the run. it doesn't matter if they go to university or not. if you have been a young mum you know more about life and are
wiser than most! You are needed. children don't judge their mum on what she has achieved - but on who she is and their relationship with her. You have given your children the privilege of brothers and sisters. you have created a tribe !! Harness the strengths and weaknesses of that tribe to lift you and them up in very small ways. keep with the therapy. read. you need to mother yourself. find sisterhood somewhere in real life . your vulnerability will being great people to you if you can be brave and share. find it anywhere it doesn’t have to be perfect ! the womens institute - a library book club. AnYthing to start the ball rolling. one small thing everyday that gives you pleasure. i’m like you in different contexts but i feel your pain and understand. one small thing that moves you forward. lots of love and strength.x

Hi ButIWont, didn't want to read and run. This is the depression talking, you're obsessing on things that haven't and may not happen. Plenty of people live happy lives in ordinary jobs and small homes. Not everyone is Brian Cox or JK Rowling. Your kids will be fine, you will be ok. Can you take time to get outside in the fresh air today? Book an appointment with your GP or CPN to see if a different prescription would help. Mums aren't always the allies you need them to be. Sometimes they're part of the problem. I hope you can take one step at a time and get through today. This too will pass as they say

What a sad post. Do you take any medication for anxiety or depression? To be honest what you've described is no different to how most of us grew up. One bathroom for 6 people,.always shared a roo,.nome of us went.to uni but we've all.ended.up with decent jobs. We didn't have holidays either. You're being too hard on yourself.

I hear you OP. Sounds like you are being super hard on yourself. I think the majority of us just try and do our best.
I had a bad childhood and am no contact with my mother. It sounds like you are really overwhelmed with life and maybe need to be a bit more selfish and think about you? I could be wrong of course.

You're not a failure. With you saying you had a bad childhood, do you think possibly your parents failed you?

Wow thankyou. Crying again. Such lovely words

I take citalopram.

I think it's started badly because my daughter has made a new friend and she's really quite posh
I had to Google her address to pick her up and she lives in like a 2mill house ( I wasn't snooping, that was the first result under Google maps)

DD has been there 4 or 5 times and she wants her mate to come here but the house is just a mess

I feel embarrassed turning up on my bike to get DD when they have 2 range rovers in the drive

DD said they had cake and laughed because her friend asked if she would like a 'cake fork' and had specific forks

DD is lucky if she can find a clean fork half the time

Sorry clicked post.

It just made me feel like a failure.

I don't know whtly I posted that.

I think it just was such a contrast in circumstances that really stood out to me.

I had a good childhood on the outside with an abusive parent behind closed doors. Quite badly. (physical abuse that went much further than hitting/smacking. Air restrictions /biting etc)

I have grown up with zero confidence

@ButIWont Try not to compare yourself to others as it's not doing you any favours OP. What other people have is superficial bullshit and what matters is kindness, love, forgiveness, things like that.
Focus on you and give yourself the love you deserve. Don't put yourself down. You are doing your best I'm sure ❤️❤️

How old are you OP?

I'm sure your kids think the world of you, even if they don't show it - I didn't when I was younger. With that in mind alone, you are not a failure. You took care of your kids despite your circumstances.

It sounds like you have nothing to occupy your mind other than negative thoughts. Perhaps you could try a hobby, get into a box set, read a few books? I know this won't 'cure' things but it might give your mind a bit of a break.

Dark days don't last forever ❤

@ButIWont I grew up the same. 1 parent physically/ mentally abusive and I had absolutely no confidence and was terrified. The other parent didn't step in and stop the abuse. I can relate so much to your story and it's extremely damaging what happened to you. You need to be selfish OP and think of you.

I feel embarrassed turning up on my bike to get DD when they have 2 range rovers in the drive

Feel proud you're doing your bit for the planet OP! (it doesn't matter if that's not the real reason behind it) FWIW I live in an expensive house but always do short local journeys by bike. Saves the hassle of finding a parking space as well.

Your daughter's friend won't care about your house.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We see that you are already getting some great support from other Mumsnetters, and we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you the every best,
MNHQ

This ^

You sound like you are having such a difficult time at the moment. May I suggest that you turn the news off? There is a lot of bad news stories around and right now you don't need to expose yourself to it.

And still your dd is feeling happy enough about her house to invite the ‘posh’ friend over….

Your dd isn’t ashamed either of the house or you!

Who do you think is right there.p?

You sounds overwhelmed and your panicking. I had a period of this last summer. Can your GP up your dose of citalopram to help you calm and get things in perspective?

All your worries are echoed by many people, you are not alone. We all worry about our children, that we aren't doing as much as we should be, that we have failed in some way. It's just thoughts. It's not truth.

Be easy on yourself. Make some nice food for your children and hug them and tell them you love them. It's all they need.

Go easy on yourself. You're a mum, you are doing your best, your best IS good enough. Your children love you.

@ButIWont I grew up in a big house, with expensive cars in the drive. Every Christmas day, everything was perfect - a big, ornate dining room with solid silver cutlery, gold rimmed plates, four perfectly cooked and presented courses...all eaten in miserable silence with a frazzled mother who'd been up cooking since 4am and a exhausted father who'd worked until 7pm on Christmas Eve. But hey, we were wealthy, right?

At the age of 37 I spent Christmas with my then partner's family. Nine adults and three small children elbow to elbow at a table designed for six (at a push!) in a 2 bedroom house that had raised 4 children. As we contemplated our packed dinner plates, his mum stopped us as she'd forgotten to serve the starters so we had to balance soup over our laps. It was chaotic, messy and the best Christmas I've ever had! We all pitched in to wash up and then grabbed whatever chairs (or floor space!) for a brilliant afternoon of games, laughter and the sort of close knit, accepting love I'd never experienced before.

Think of that when you compare your house to that of your DD's friend.

OP I am sorry to read your post. Just because your life isn't what you might have dreamt of doesn't mean you're a failure - far from it. Sometimes we lose sight of the good things we do and have done......and believe me, there is always something even if it's so small you need a microscope to see it. I hope you get the help you need and deserve