Just wish I was dead

[Iwanttogo]

I've been feeling so low recently. I want to kill myself so badly.

Im just useless. I'm a useless wife, unless mum, useless human being.

I don't think anyone would even know I was gone. My husband knows I feel like this but he's also got to help take care of our son.

He keeps saying I'm a good mum and he just wants me to be OK. But I know he's lieing. I know he also thinks I'm useless

Have you talked to any professionals about this? Are you getting any help/treatment?

Are you actually useless or do you have very high standards for yourself?

Depression can be a very vicious circle where you physically can't do many things, then feel awful/useless for not doing them, becoming even more depressed and on and on it goes.

Can you give an example of your normal day/routine?

Why would your DH lie to you? I would bet my house that you are a good mum. Please talk to someone about how you feel there is help available and I promise, you won't feel like this forever.

Example of normal day

Wake up, make sure Son is fed (he's 12 months)
Start work at 8:30
Work until 5:00
Cook dinner
Bed time routine for son hes usually down between 7:00 and 7:30
Help husband clean kitchen
Maybe watch something for an hour
Then sleep

Maybe ask yourself "how come I feel useless" and keep asking 'how come' until you get the root cause. Writing this down might help. Sometimes there isn't an immediate root cause and Therapy or seeing your gp might be an option.

You are not useless at all. How long have you been feeling like this ? Are you on medication ? Why do u feel your a useless mum ?
when I had my daughter 12 years ago when she was born I felt so low and I just thought it would pass but as time went on it got worse . I told myself that I had to clean throughly everyday and set myself unrealistic expectations and obviously I couldn’t meet them then this would make me feel worse. It made me feel useless like a useless mum .

I don’t see useless. You work a full day, your son is in a safe, reliable routine that meets his needs. Your home is taken care of. You and your husband work as a team and spend evening time together. The hallmarks of a good mum, good wide, good marriage.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

So you already do more than millions of people that either can't or won't do all that.

You look after your son and cater to his needs.
You do a job that you probably are at least ok at , if not great.
You share chores with your husband.

What do you feel is missing? What more should/could you do?

The expectations on women to parent like they don't have a job and work like they don't have children is complete bullshit and totally unrealistic.

Talk to your GP, meds or therapy might help you get on an even level. You can reassess then. You're obviously very unhappy, once you figure out why, you can find some solutions.

Please get help. Click on the links from MN above, no-one will judge you.
You sound like an incredibly useful person! Caring for a child, working, making sure people are fed.
Please get help, but in the meantime, stay on here to chat

(((HUG)))

id bet my house in the fact that you're NOT useless in ANY capacity 💐

Why would your husband lie? He obviously thinks you're a great wife & mother. X

PND is sadly very common & I think you should make an urgent appointment with your GP. Possibly try to find an OOH over the weekend.

you probably don't think you have PND, that's common, but please get it looked into so you can enjoy your baby, your DH & your life!!

PND is a nasty little bastard, but once exposed to daylight, relatively easily got rid of so you can get your life back!!

I'm on 25mg of Sertraline.

It's near impossible to see a therapist here.

I just can't explain why I feel so useless. It's hard to put into words.

My house feels messy all the time, my mum seems to try and clean it when she comes in.
I feel like I should be with my son 24/7 but I can't be because I work.
He dosnt seem happy around me but is around his dad
I feel irritated by him sometimes.
Just so many things wrong with me

I had delayed post natal depression. I know, I didn’t know it could happen.

I think it was triggered at stopping breastfeeding when my DD was 11 months.

Anyway, I went to the doctors, burst into tears before I even sat down. She gave me a prescription for Prozac and I swear in two weeks I felt as if something had lifted.

my only regret is I stopped taking them after 6 months. I should have carried on longer.

Please, please go to the doctors. I have felt like you do, and the only thing that has stopped me is knowing I didn’t want my DD to grow up without a mother.

Hi, just seen that you are on antidepressants. Have you been back to the doctors? Or have they told you to wait six weeks for them to kick in.

I still think you should go to the doctors. Tell them exactly how you feel.

Something that helped me more than anything else was realising that my thoughts aren’t always telling me the truth.

I have a particularly vicious little demon that says “nobody loves you” which is patently untrue, and I tell him to fuck off when he starts. I suggest you do the same with yours.

You are not useless. Far from it.

I know I must sound bonkers (I am) but imagining a little medieval gargoyle of a demon trying to goad me into taking my own life has kept me alive at times.

We are very, very vulnerable when we have babies and small children and the pressures on mothers in this century are very high. Go back to your gp and ask for a review of your medication - often a change of dosage or class of AD will help.

And whack that nasty little demon off your shoulder when he starts and tell
him how fucking awesome you really are.

How long have you been on your meds? Can you have a review?

Can you afford private therapy?
Can you afford a cleaner?

There's no should... if you actually want more time with your baby and it would make you happy could you reduce your hours? If you're actually happy at work, let go of the guilt. You're allowed to do something for yourself,something that makes you feel good.

Sounds like PND, mine built up to a crescendo when first dc was about a year old.

How long have you been on meds? If they're not working please go back to your gp, the dose doesn't sound high enough.

OP, kids go through phases. For a couple of months ,at just over a year the only person our son wanted or who could settle him was his dad. No idea why, but it passed, it always does.
I felt rejected, but he's 3 now and a complete mummy's boy (still loves his dad too)
Keep positive, they love you and need you even if they don't always show it.

Ps... (Well kept secret) We all feel irritated by our children at times 💐

My house feels messy all the time, my mum seems to try and clean it when she comes in.
I feel like I should be with my son 24/7 but I can't be because I work.
He dosnt seem happy around me but is around his dad
I feel irritated by him sometimes.

All of this is completely normal, I promise. Except when my DS was that age he literally preferred everyone to me, even supermarket checkout staff. I'm not even joking.

You feel like you should be with him 24/7 because you're a great mum and you have a strong bond with him. It's also the reason you're hanging in there, and it's why you're reaching out for help now. You can do this. You ARE doing this.

See your GP, please.

Hey OP, listen to what everyone is telling you. You are not useless! You are clearly loved and very needed/ wanted in your families life and in this world. I have been in your position and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I urgently advise you seek some help and allow your husband to help you as well because without sounding harsh, but if you try kill yourself, please think that there is a little boy who needs his mummy and doesn't understand what is going on and a husband who need your support also.

Don't listen to those little voices that tell you that you are useless and deserve to be dead because it's a lie and you are very much needed and life is beautiful but you just need some help to see that.

God loves you & you have a purpose ❤️

25mg of sertraline is lower than the minimum effective dose. Normally 25mg is a starter or tapering dose.
50mg is the minimum to actually have an antidepressant effect. Pls review your dosage urgently with your GP or psychiatrist

I am reading what people are saying.
With sertraline, I moved home in December to a new area. The doctors in this area are pretty bad. First come first serve call on the day appointments in an over crowded place. We moved so that my husbands family could help with my son.

They changed their minds once we actually moved. But that's their choice. I work from home with my son around. I'm in that annoying, cant afford not to work, but not poor enough to get help. Son goes to nursery twice a week.

We were doing fine until well recent events with gas electrics ect but no one could have predicted that.

The doctors I've been with have not once asked for a review. But then I could probably equally ask for one I guess.

There are loads of therapists working online or over the phone now, so someone could as well be on another end of the country.
Please use the links MN sent or www.mind.org.uk

I think most mums with young kids have felt ground down by the relentless slog... every day is the same, and you just get more and more tired of it all.

See your GP again, and make a fuss about needing a medication review. Explain how low you're feeling, you can probably email reception and say you're having these thoughts. Or tell your OH that you're struggling and need help.

It's really positive that you've said this out loud. I hope things get better for you soon

That's really shity that your husband's family changed their minds about helping out. What does your husband think about that?

Do they want to support your in different ways than originally intended?...like the occasional evening of babysitting rather than a working day each week.

So are there days that you work and have your child? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

You are working really hard and it sounds like you are not giving yourself credit for that.

Husband just shrugged re his parents not helping. They don't really want to help at all. Step mum has never really wanted my husband around tbh and dosnt interact with my son at all when we are at their house.

I work and have my 12 month old around. My husband is home doing the same so we work. In the same room. We're both not on the phone 24/7 I've been doing it for 6 months now. Work dosnt mind. I get the job done just fine and actually got a good review recently.