I constantly worry that my DD will die. She's now 8. I'm exhausted from worry

[mom2daisypie]

Hi All,
I've finally decided to talk about this because I'm finding myself in tears each day just worrying about my youngest daughter.

For as long as I can remember I've been worried about losing her. I can't explain why really as I never felt like this with DD1 (who is now 10), although I was an overly cautious parents when she was small and did often think worst case scenario which left me very uncomfortable leaving her at pre-school.

I think it may stem back to an experience I had at 17 when my sister (16) died in a car accident. My BF at the time also died in a car accident 6 months later. I think losing 2 young people at such a young age myself made me realise how fragile life is and now I'm a mother I can't shake the fear that my children will come to harm, but in particular my youngest. When she was a toddler she was very very clumsy so I think it started then. I'd imagine her tumbling down the stairs or running out into the road. She was diagnosed with Asthma at 5 which again seemed to fuel my concerns. I'd wake in the middle of the night and creep into her room to see if she was breathing (truth be told I still do this today with both girls but especially DD2). She had COVID last year and while most children are fine, she was quite poorly (her fever caused her to hallucinate and she kept saying "Ive got to go Mommy" - it was horrendous - she can't remember anything from the time of her hallucinations thankfully, but they affected me deeply).

I'm now totally exhausted and feel like this constant worry is crippling my happiness. I'm anxious, stressed and down a lot of the time. I hardly sleep and when I do I often have horrible dreams about something bad happening to DD2. Am I alone? Has anyone else experienced this?

I KNOW it's irrational and that I'm fortunate to have children but I just can't stop worrying!

I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, shared experiences please.

Thank you

I was like this. Citalopram has given me my life back.

It will be because of what happened to your sister and boyfriend back then (how awful, I’m so sorry). I had similar fears and once took my youngest son to the GP who asked me why I was so concerned about something so trivial being something serious. I explained that I’d lost both my parents recently to cancer and she said that was why. These experiences wire our brains a certain way and put us on high alert. I had some counselling which helped a bit but what has really helped me is understanding that my brain had become wired that way (to catastrophise) through frightening experiences and, like a computer, I try to rewire it by inputting calm and gentle things. Simple things help like avoiding upsetting tv and watching gentle programmes instead. Taking up a quiet hobby that has absorbs me. I still worry but it has helped.

Poor you. I have different but similar fears that take over sometimes (I lost my brother when he was 9 and I was 4, then my DH to the same illness in his 30s) X

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this OP and I really sympathise. I had similar thoughts about my DS. For me, I think it stemmed from being told he was likely to be born extremely prematurely- I had some major bleeding and then they did a swab that said Labour was likely to be imminent and he was highly unlikely to survive. As it happened, the rest was wrong and I went 2 weeks overdue. Something then went wrong during the birth and he nearly died and was poorly for a while, it left me with PTSD.

For several months, I struggled alone with intrusive thoughts that he had somehow cheated death and wasn't really meant to be here, and at some point he would be taken from me. It sounds illogical but I was very unwell and used to sit up and howl with fear. I can still remember the terror waking up in the night and checking he was ok. I also believed that it was very important to be hyper vigilant to try and prevent anything from happening, to the point when I would set alarms during the night to wake up and check him.

It's really important to get yourself some therapy and any other treatment that can help you feel better. I had trauma therapy when he was about 6 months old and slowly, slowly I started to be able to stop feeling so fearful. I sometimes still get the thoughts, but I'm able to use coping techniques to remind myself that they are just thoughts, and thinking them doesn't mean that it will happen. I can't begin to tell you what a difference the therapy made to my life. I really urge you to get some support as this must be so distressing for you. Sending hugs

One thing also that might help is this book (sorry if someone has already mentioned it.) Its called 'Good Mums Have Scary Thoughts' by Karen Kleiman. It focuses on new mothers but I think the content would apply to you too. Each page has a cartoon exploring some of the intrusive thoughts that are common and explanations and helpful exercises on the opposite page. It also provided me with real comfort and reassurance that having these thoughts didn't make me a bad mother. I really recommend it.

Oh you poor thing I'm exactly the same. These intrusive thoughts could be a response to the trauma you've suffered. I'm on a very low income and access private therapy at a much reduced rate and it's been so very helpful. I'm prone to catastrophising anyway and anything involving my children sends me into awful panic. I really hope you can find a way to get better it's a horrible way to live as a pp said. All the best.

I will check out the book thank you very much 🙏🏻

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support. I don't often come on here but every so often throughout parenthood I've found it a real strength so truly appreciate you all being here.

I'll make an appointment with the GP.

I had the same after my two younger kids had a series of serious illnesses. I became completely fixated on my youngest child's health. If they said they felt tired, I would feel a literal wave of anxiety up my spine.

My biggest rational fear was passing that anxiety to my child and making them worry excessively about every cough or strained muscle.

I got sertraline from the GP. The first 5 days were horrendous - the anxiety got far worse - but I stuck with it and around day 7 I suddenly felt less awful. It has given me back my peace of mind.

Out of interest, (to those on Levothyroxine) has anyone ever found their thyroid medication makes their anxiety worse? I have been reading today that if your body has too much of the thyroid hormone you get insomnia, anxiety, palpitations, hot flushes, headaches (all symptoms I get!)
My levels were always borderline so Im wondering if I ever needed to be on meds at all - they may be making things worse.

I understand. My children are 15, 13 and 6 and I've worried about this every day for about 14 years now. Again, fuelled by a scary event, and then other scary events reinforcing that fear. I check breathing. If I ever wake up in the night I think I've been prompted awake because something is wrong and I have to check all three children. If they catch an illness I wonder if this is it. If this is the event I've been terrified of for over a decade. I know it's irrational. I know that. But then something happens to show me that it CAN happen and I feel unable to protect my babies. I can't shake it. I've tried so many times. At most this terrible anxiety dies down from a constant chatter to a quiet whisper for a few weeks, then comes screaming back.

I left it too long, I think. I was too scared to say anything for about 10 years, because I felt like talking about it would give it a chance to become reality.

Definitely speak to a therapist. Pay a good one if you can.

I personally haven’t (thyroid hasn’t been a factor so no meds), but I do have a friend who has had horrible luck not only with their thyroid but the emotional/mental toll of medication.

id say its the first thing to bring up with your GP. It’s a definite possibility. Try to change one thing at a time medication wise