I constantly worry that my DD will die. She's now 8. I'm exhausted from worry

[mom2daisypie]

Hi All,
I've finally decided to talk about this because I'm finding myself in tears each day just worrying about my youngest daughter.

For as long as I can remember I've been worried about losing her. I can't explain why really as I never felt like this with DD1 (who is now 10), although I was an overly cautious parents when she was small and did often think worst case scenario which left me very uncomfortable leaving her at pre-school.

I think it may stem back to an experience I had at 17 when my sister (16) died in a car accident. My BF at the time also died in a car accident 6 months later. I think losing 2 young people at such a young age myself made me realise how fragile life is and now I'm a mother I can't shake the fear that my children will come to harm, but in particular my youngest. When she was a toddler she was very very clumsy so I think it started then. I'd imagine her tumbling down the stairs or running out into the road. She was diagnosed with Asthma at 5 which again seemed to fuel my concerns. I'd wake in the middle of the night and creep into her room to see if she was breathing (truth be told I still do this today with both girls but especially DD2). She had COVID last year and while most children are fine, she was quite poorly (her fever caused her to hallucinate and she kept saying "Ive got to go Mommy" - it was horrendous - she can't remember anything from the time of her hallucinations thankfully, but they affected me deeply).

I'm now totally exhausted and feel like this constant worry is crippling my happiness. I'm anxious, stressed and down a lot of the time. I hardly sleep and when I do I often have horrible dreams about something bad happening to DD2. Am I alone? Has anyone else experienced this?

I KNOW it's irrational and that I'm fortunate to have children but I just can't stop worrying!

I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, shared experiences please.

Thank you

You absolutely need therapy. Please don't hold back. Go to your GP and they will definitely refer you but the nhs waiting list is long. If you can afford it go private, or if you're on a low income you can ask to see a counsellor through the charity Mind, which has a pay what you can afford scheme.
I have health anxiety and it has worsened since I became a mum. I worry a lot too. Mine was triggered by a combination of a misdiagnosis for me and losing a young family member to cancer in the same year, when I was in my twenties.
You'll need to work on it for life. I've had therapy twice for it now. I'd definitely go again ans will do as soon as I can afford it

Ps: please do this for your children. Health anxiety is inherited too - my mum suffers. They will be watching you and internalising the fear

I feel for you OP, that must be draining. I can also understand why you feel this based on your history and her asthma. However, you know rationally that she will be fine.

I had similar thoughts a few years ago (after a few years of extreme ill health for me) and remember catastrophising about a trip we were going on with lots of unknowns and variables and public transport. I was so OTT my DC (then 6) had a right go about being so cautious with her. A few days into the trip I realised I had been so panicky because of the unknowns and once they were ‘known’ I chilled out, trusting me, my DH and my DC to be safe, look out for each other and take things in our stride. So, perhaps you could write down all the things you fear, and then right down all the measures in place to mitigate anything bad happening?

Hi OP I wonder if you should seek some additional help for your own mental health. Maybe CBT or something. It sounds like your anxiety is getting in the way of you being able to enjoy your life. Did you have any councilling at the time of your sister and best friends deaths. I am not an expert, just wondering aloud. Sounds like you have been doing a good job of holding everything together but you should get some support for yourself. Good Luck.

Ah, honey.

So I have a similar experience. My best friend died in a car crash when we were 17. So I know what you mean about understanding how fragile life is.

However, I have a slightly different problem. I think I'm the one who is going to die and leave my children motherless. It's actually, at it's worst, made me wish I'd never had children.

I completely understand the exhausted feeling. It is so consuming

Every time I get in a car. (I commute twice a week, an hour each way). I also have OCD, so connected to it is this idea that everything has to be perfect if I live the house, so that if I do die, everyone will have clean clothes and the bills/wills/deeds etc are all filed nicely so there is no difficulty finding everything. And so it goes on.

I had a year of counselling last year, to help me keep my job. I was ready to leave because I couldn't cope with trying to get everything perfect till gone midnight twice a week and then getting up at 5 am because I was so stressed. I'm much better now, but it's not left completely. I'd recommend it.

I'll probably have to NC now, as that's a lot of weird info about me! But I really wanted to post to tell you I understand.

Hi @mom2daisypie

I can tell from your post that you are really struggling and from someone with very similar experiences with repetitive intrusive thoughts, I understand how exhausting, draining and deeply torturous living with this kind of anxiety can be.

The first thing is as suggested to talk to your GP and get some kind of referral. It is obvious that you are in distress and nobody deserves to feel uncomfortable in their own heads.

I am not a doctor so please do not take this as a diagnosis. But you may want to look at Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was a long time sufferer, and the reality of the condition is very, very far from what most people think of with cleaning and washing hands and such. Many people, such as myself, have none of these outward behaviours and are instead stuck in continuous loops of repetitive and highly distressing thoughts. Harm to others, especially loved ones, is a very common theme. For me, the charity OCD Action and their support groups helped me enormously. Just hearing others talk about the same experiences I had made me feel so much less alone.

the other good news is OCD (and panic disorders in general) are actually very treatable. You might want to read about Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. It will probably sound utterly terrifying, and it’s kind of supposed to be, but with the right therapist you can find the pace that works best for you — and it’s often very gradual. It was a life changer for me.

Thank you all so much for replying so quickly!

No I didn't have therapy, I internalised everything and although I speak about her now openly, it still upsets me.

I do also have periods where I convince myself that Im going to die. I had ovarian cysts diagnosed last year and felt sure they would prove cancerous. I feel stupid and selfish for saying it when there are people out there genuinely living with terminal illnesses.

I guess I worry that the fears about my DD2 are some sort of sixth sense/insight. When I'm at my worst I almost believe that I'm getting premonitions of what will happen at some point to her, it's awful!

I do worry that they will pick up on it (although I'm very careful in hiding it and I let them go on school trips etc without showing any nerves for their sake - DD1 was recently away for 5 days and while I spent the entire time worrying I didnt let on).

This is really normal and is really treatable with either therapy or medication. Please see someone about it, previous poster is right that it might cost money but I'd prioritise it above other spends. If you had a huge painful boil you wouldn't ignore it, you'd go to the doctor. Please do the same for your mental health, you deserve peace and happiness.

I guess I worry that the fears about my DD2 are some sort of sixth sense/insight. When I'm at my worst I almost believe that I'm getting premonitions of what will happen at some point to her, it's awful!

Thats quite common with OCD, from what I’ve heard from friends. I don’t have it myself but struggled a lot with intrusive thoughts when my PTSD was bad. I used to think that because I was thinking about something so much, that meant part of me wanted it to happen, so I worried that I was wishing for people to die/come to harm and that by sending those thoughts out into the universe it would make it happen.

Definitely look into getting some therapy, it really does help so much.

I feel the same with my youngest who is now 5 but I've never felt like this with my 10 year old so have a constant feeling of guilt and that it means I love her less. I had a miscarriage which affected me badly and I was very anxious throughout my pregnancy that I would lose her. Tnen I gave birth and she had to be resuscitated as she wasn't breathing so that made my fears worse.

Last night she wasn't feeling herself she was feeling cold and shivery but a bit hot to touch so I convinced myself she had meningitis and had to stop myself phoning 111. It was obvious she was just feeling a bit off but my vain catastrophises every symptom of illness she has. I've also in the past been convinced she has leukemia and spent a week crying and not sleeping, hospital and doctors appointments it was ridiculous.

I wake up in a panic during the night in case she's stopped breathing and have to go check on her. The scariest part for me is that I worry I'm like this for a reason I managed to convince myself she would die before birth and that almost happened so what if I have all these fears that something bad will happen for a reason. The rational part of me knows I'm being silly but the irrational part takes over.

[love]

It's not insight or a premonition. It's your worst fears.

I had this when my dd was a baby because my parents had a baby after my younger sibling and the baby died. So I have just a small insight in to what you're experiencing. For me, it passed when my dd got to about 1. When my younger child was born I didn't have the same fears strangely.

Weirdly though, I do sometimes (rarely) think about how I'd cope if they died. I love my DC, no less than any other mother, but I know that what I'd want is to be able to get over it. Maybe that stopped the waking nightmares I used to have.

Please get help OP. This must be exhausting and you can’t be enjoying being a mother right now.

When I say ''get over it'' that sounds ridiculous in the context. What I mean is I'd want to be able to get something out of life.

I guess I worry that the fears about my DD2 are some sort of sixth sense/insight. When I'm at my worst I almost believe that I'm getting premonitions of what will happen at some point to her, it's awful!

This is often called “magical thinking”, not a term I ever liked but it’s so much more common than you might think. It was a big part of my OCD. When I was in a really bad state I would think that my thoughts had the power to make things happen too unless I “undid” them with a counter thought so when I had one of the horrible thoughts about me harming someone or them otherwise being harmed then I could end up spending weeks forcing myself to imagine that person having a spa day instead because (even though part of me knew it was insane) if I didn’t then the bad thing would happen.

Our brains aren’t as rational as we’d like to believe. You think of these things because you love your daughters and they mean everything to you. It is in fact because you are a good mum who cares deeply. But you don’t need to feel this way either. Therapy and support groups really can help so much.

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement, and to those of you who have experienced similar things my heart goes out to you.

I honestly feel a support group would help but I'm not sure how I'd go about finding one in my area. Would I just google 'anxiety support group' or is that too general?

@mom2daisypie OCD Action run a lot of online/phone groups. You do not have to speak. It can be so helpful just to listen and hear others experiences. For me the anonymity was really helpful with eventually opening up. I still don’t think I could do an in person group to be honest

ocdaction.org.uk/online-support-groups/

Hi OP, I could have written a lot of this myself.
Slightly different experience in that my son was my 5th pregnancy (lost the previous 4) and we later found out he was lucky to survive his birth. Since then, I've had incredible anxiety around thoughts of him dying. It's almost like I think we're in the movie 'final destination' in that it's a miracle he's even here so I'm waiting for it to catch up with us.
I also fear that I have these thoughts and it'll cause something to happen. Like, if I wake with a start in the middle of the night I think 'something' is warning me and I need to check my son is ok. Like any 3 year old he's had constant coughs, colds and infections which has kept me constantly on edge. I was convinced he had leukaemia at one point and only managed to calm down when blood tests proved there was nothing wrong other than an infection.
I started anti-anxiety medication which changed everything for me. It gave me some breathing space and stopped the constant over whelming feeling.
I had counselling and realised that there was actually a lot going on in terms of stressful events in my life. This was lowering my tolerance / ability to cope and the trauma of my pregnancy losses was beginning to overwhelm me on top of everything else. I was then focussing all that anxiety on to my sons health. I still have a lot of work to do but just want to say that it is possible to lessen this and the impact it's having on you.
My life is much more manageable now but I would recommend you seek additional help.

What you're experiencing sounds more complex than an anxiety support group could help enough with tbh.

Have you spoken to your GP? They may be able to refer you to a specialist trauma service which wouldn't be immediate, but just knowing that something is in the pipeline might help.

I can really relate to what you describe. My own traumas came to the surface when my children were young and got caught up with ordinary parenting concerns and worries.

I paid for private therapy. It's not cheap, but by the time I went, I was utterly desperate. It took some years to be absolutely honest, but I have worked through most of my grief/trauma/depression/anxiety and when I do experience episodes now they are much shorter lived and less overwhelming.

EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) and mentalisation therapy are highly effective treatments for trauma, as well. You'd need to find an experienced specialist, but if you can find a way to afford it, do.

So sorry to hear about your 4 losses and good on. you for getting the help you needed. May I ask which anti-anxiety medication you were put onto?

Many years ago I was given Citalipram (just a low dose of 10mg) while I was dealing with stress at work and I'm not sure I felt like they did anything (maybe the dosage was wrong). I've tried things like St Johns Wort in the past too and I did feel it helped (maybe a placebo effect) but I'm on Thyroid medication now and have to be careful with alternative medicine.

Part of me doesn't want to go to the GP about it as I don't want it on my medical record (another anxiety of mine is that if DH and I ever split up that I wouldn't have custody of my girls if I have mental health issues (my sister in law had tis thrown in her face by her ex-Husband during their very messy divorce) - yet another anxiety of mine as DH and I are very happy and never had any problems but again I'm thinking ahead to worst case scenarios!)

Given what has happened to you this is not particularly surprising result. I feel for you. Do some reading about CBT if you have time or energy. I found that reading and audio books on the topic helped me a bit although proper therapy would be better. My issue is more fear of own imminent death and leaving dd due to mother and other close people dying young.

You have had plenty of good advice about your anxiety, OP, so perhaps I can offer some about your daughter’s asthma.

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We all have asthma and we along with millions of others live completely normal, active lives. Asthma needs to be taken seriously, but if it is, it is very controllable. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to teach her to use proper technique with her preventer inhaler, keep her reliever inhaler with her at all times, learn to avoid her triggers and she will be completely fine. There is absolutely nothing to worry about when asthma is well controlled.

Op if.1 in 4 folk have mh problems a lot of people will have this on their medical record. II know you know that isn’t particularly rational though. You should go to the gp. I

Speak to your GP about counselling.

When the worst has happened to you or someone you love, it's natural to be cautious / afraid.

The key is to find a middle ground between what your inner voice is telling (the worst) and what is rational or reasonable for someone who hasn't had that previous experience.

A counsellor told me I was always likely to want to take a "belts and braces" approach to safety because I really did know what could happen. Recognising this actually let me "relax" and allowed me to be more cautious than most without stopping my child from doing things with her peers.

I do still get moments of overriding fear but they have lessened and I remind myself my child is NOT the relative who suffered.

"So sorry to hear about your 4 losses and good on. you for getting the help you needed. May I ask which anti-anxiety medication you were put onto?"

Hi OP, I was put on citalopram 10mg. I felt better after a couple of weeks and went up to 20mg after a month. However, that didn't work for me so went back down to 10mg after a month. I have friends who are on different medications so I think it can be trial and error.

I totally understand your concerns about having MH issues on your record. But, worst case scenario, anxiety / depression will not stop you having access to your children. Unless you were a risk to them, this wouldn't be a factor. I know that will be hard for you to believe but I suppose it's important to apply logic and stay in reality.

Please don't be afraid to seek help. You deserve to live a life free of this.

This is an utterly miserable way to live and I'd urge you to see your GP. Your fears around this are all part of your condition.

I also, kindly, think this will be effecting your children even if you think you are hiding it from them. Go see your GP for their sakes if not your own.