Would you go on a mothers mental health retreat without your baby?

[Fiep]

Hi, I'm after some opinions. I am probably just being silly because I am on maternity leave and my brain is understimulated.

I am a psychologist and had a recent experience of birth trauma. My LO is now 3m, after birth he spent some time in NICU. I am coping well now, but it wasn't easy.

Since then I have spoken to so many mums who have shared their difficulties with me around adjusting to motherhood, anxiety, mood, and trauma around pregnancy and birth. Hardly anyone has sought / had mental health support.

Coincidentally I also delivered a trauma therapy session at a women's retreat recently and LOVED it - all guests got so much better over the course of it and it felt really healing and empowering. I wished all those mums could feel that way.

It got me thinking it would be cool to have a retreat for mums specifically around trauma / mood / anxiety / adjustment to motherhood - but would anyone go without their babies? I'd have loved a break for a couple of nights and would have been happy so long as there was somewhere to pump (like a NICU style pumping room). I just feel the retreat wouldn't be as therapeutic with the demands of the baby there.

Obviously I recognise this may exclude some people - eg those who don't have a partner, or who breastfeed and don't express, etc. But my thought was to start simple with a retreat just for the women and if it all goes well then I could always do one for women plus babies (and support person on site), as this would be logistically a lot more challenging to set up.

Or would someone a bit further down the line, baby slightly older, still be interested in attending something like this or is the issue sort of buried by then?

Or the whole thing might just be a silly idea, I don't know.

…I don’t think a baby would decide in 24 hours that they’d prefer a bottle and never touch a boob again either!! 😂 Bottle preference is real but typically takes weeks for that to establish. x

It sounds good but at three months we weren't even out of hospital with baby, and my breast feeding friends weren't pumping

Perpetuating the idea that separation is necessary for maternal mental health is not helpful. Separating mother and baby for mental health is not evidence based, it goes against all evidence for both maternal and infant mental health.

Not a chance. Love the idea of the retreat but babies need to come too.

Well the point is that not everyone DOES get over it without support. And if you looked into it, realised you couldn't take baby and didn't like that, you wouldn't go. If you left baby at home and went of your own free will, why would you end up traumatised?

Agree with whomever said actually it wasn't until we contemplated no2 that the trauma was an issue

Awesome idea - but with babies. The more trauma I have had during birth etc the more challenging I found it to leave my babies. Great idea - wish I would have had access to this ten years ago x

The OP doesn't say 24 hours, she talks about "a couple of nights". I'd also completely disagree about bottle preference, I've known more than one person for whom it happened in just a few days.

Absolutely agree

I have post-birth trauma due to a NICU stay for my baby - he’s one in a few weeks and there’s no way I can imagine being comfortable leaving him overnight for a long time, even now. A huge part of my trauma comes from being forced to leave him in a hospital and go home without him, so trying to think about healing whilst be separated would be counter-intuitive to me. However I think the idea of a retreat that connects mothers who have had similar experiences to me, in a place that feels welcoming and safe would be lovely. I’d definitely come along. Also think it should be open to mums with children of all ages, not just newborns as sometimes that trauma can live on for years if they aren’t given the right support/space at the time.

A retreat with babies to help you to make sense of it all; how to find calm and peace when everything is chaotic; how to bond with baby when you have pnd etc.

Your ideas all sound great- but definitely something to experience with baby/ies.

My baby was in NICU and the most traumatic thing, after worrying she would die, was leaving the hospital without her. The retreat sounds like a lovely idea, but with babies. Deliberately planning something over days without very young babies is a bit odd to be honest

I wouldn't. Absolutely not for me. Lots of my friends would tho

I think it's tricky. I lost consciousness during dc1's arrival and then thought he was a doll/not my baby for a while. I would have jumped at a retreat without him but for the wrong reasons if that makes sense.

I suspect the people saying yes no problem to leave the baby at home aren't your target audience of mums who have experienced birth trauma. Typically mums who have struggle to be separated from their babies. Of course that's not the case for everyone. I just suspect you may not end up with the mums you are aiming for. It could still be a lovely retreat.

No. You're excluding lone parents that way.
A break and looking after the mum and baby would be better.

Could you do a 9-5 event. I’d have been more inclined to leave my DC for that length of time at that age.

Could you offer two separate groups on different dates? One for with babies and one without? I'm sure you'll have many people wanting to attend.

I think you need for it to be with babies - I breastfed and never got on with pumping at all (tried and then thought what is the point) so would not have wanted to leave mine. Also you run the risk of losing whatever benefits they gain by the stress of leaving the baby plus how feasible is it for many to get that kind of care for their baby - even with the most supportive of husbands - you say you may lose some but I imagine all together once you bring in those who dont have partners, breastfeed, dont want to leave their baby and then those whose partners simply dont have the means to drop everything to look after a baby for 3 days 2 nights the numbers dont add up.

And for those that do express bottles - how much would they need to spend the run up expressing enough milk to cover it. Combi feeding before 6 months is fairly rare

A simple day retreat might well solve a lot of that. Or your second thought bringing the baby with you or once babies are older

Something online might really help as well

Thanks so much all for your useful input. I am veering away from an overnight idea now and towards doing small local things, 9-5 only, with babies around at lunch, so separation would only be during sessions.

Thank you especially to everyone sharing their struggles to give me perspective.

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea I wonder, if you don't mind, can you say a bit more about the maternal separation evidence base bit? I didn't find anything specifically on this while looking through databases on postpartum mental health treatments. Obviously I don't think I'll do it now but I'm just geeky and would love to read about it.

You’re still excluding breastfeeding mothers.

so where are the babies from 9-12 and 1-5?

@SleepingStandingUp @Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas I was thinking they could be with partners or support persons.

I breastfeed mine too but after 3 months I've found the gaps between feeds do widen quite a bit. He's nearly 4m and I'd feel able to leave for 3-4h (possibly with a backup 'just in case' bottle of expressed milk with Daddy, but I don't think he'd need it, more for my peace of mind).

Or there could be a feeding break at coffee and tea times maybe, which would decrease the intervals to 2h. The mums could be served treats while feeding.

I suppose if someone is still very early postpartum and feeding non stop / cluster feeding it wouldn't work. Would you suggest having the babies in the room while the therapy takes place? Personally I would really struggle to concentrate if that was me - I tried to have a work zoom earlier while my son was breastfeeding and I found my ability to think straight dropped - don't know if it was just a split attention thing or hormonal but I definitely couldn't focus on deep work on myself while feeding!

I suppose like someone else said birth trauma is still an issue way beyond the first 3m so people wouldn't necessarily have to come in the first few months if it's really challenging with the feeding gaps.

What do you think about breaks at coffee / tea time?

When my first was 3m I did a week long residential training course, DH came with me and brought her to me at lunchtime and I expressed once in the morning and once in the afternoon, but if there were scheduled breaks then that would mean nobody would have to pump. She was the star of the show at the course and loved all the cuddles.

Not a chance in h*ll

even the suggestion that to get help and support mothers need to leave their infants behind is going to set some women backwards even further.

There is no way mine would have managed 3 to 4 hours without milk at that age. What if they have older children who the partner needs to look after. You will need to consider this.

Im not sure how much therapy you are going to get done in one day’s group session anyway.