Regret moving

[TisforTucan]

We decided to buy a house 30 minutes from my home town, we couldn't get anything in our price bracket in our area, my husband asked me if I was sure and I was nervous but it'll be fine.

We've been here near 4 months now and 'fine' couldn't be far enough from the truth.. I had made friends before I left and we went out and took our kids places as they were in the same class, I can't make it now and although I've made new friends I feel out of place.

I had a routine in the week, all gone.. I don't know anyone, I don't drive so I pretty much don't see anyone unless I goto the school run. But because of covid I barely know anyone in the class and I never really see any other mums.

The schools differ and my little ones old school is doing lovely things I would love to do with my kids and attend but they don't do that in the new school, they still have covid restrictions. I am feeling really sad as I've not had school pictures, any progress or things to do with my little one whilst my old friends are sharing what they've done.

I'm trying so hard but I hate it here.. I've tried making friends but I feel like I don't fit in, I miss seeing my family and old friends and I feel so isolated and missing my little ones old school.

Four months is no time at all to feel settled. Is driving a possibility longer term? Can you access a local fb group to find out what activities might be within reach? Is there a local library you can visit for ideas and especially join in those over the upcoming half term and bank holidays.

I think its more because I have times of the month where i struggle more with my mental health and If I had a bad day I'd walk to see my grandparents for tea, see my parents weekly or use country walks I've walked for years and I can't do that so I'm struggling a little.

It's the no social contact too, sounds stupid but if I saw a friend in the school queue and I was having a bad morning we'd cheer each other up. I don't know anyone here really so I'm more avoiding taking the kids up now.

I've joined the library, I'm going to a play group and I know some mums in a message group, but I just feel like I don't fit in? It's more me in my head probably.

I'd love to learn to drive, if we can fix our house up it's the next thing on the list.

Hi TisforTucan,
i really relate to your post. I hope you have settled in since you posted it. I think regretting moving & feeling weird & missing old life/friends Is very common.
i moved 4 years ago after living in a town for 12 years, youngest was born there. Friends all around. But no family nearby and work was a long commute. But with Covid that all changed so a big part of our reason for moving vanished.
I’d like to move back where we were.

I completely understand how you feel OP. It's a horrible horrible feeling. I've had to upsticks and move due to DH job with DC numerous times around the country and its been so damn hard each time. Each move has had different issues but the friend making and just feeling 'home' was one of the hardest.

I didn't envisage just how hard it would be and each move the DC were at a different stage.. Baby right up to teens.. All different sets of problems, latterly for them too. I definitely cut myself more slack the more we moved. I had to learn to accept the feelings I was having as okay and didn't beat myself for feeling like that. Although DH was sympathetic, he didn't get it. He couldn't. He was the man going out to work every day and he was busy. I was stagnating and lonely.

All I can say is that what you are feeling, you need to 'feel' it. You're not being stupid or oversensitive and it's not easy to just be fine and accept it. It does take time to feel at home somewhere. I'd say you're still early days tbh. Each move took me a good 9 months to a year tbh so don't write off your potential to be happy there yet OP x

We did this during Lockdown; I absolutely hated where we moved to.

At the end of 2021 we made the decision to move back and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done. If it’s feasible for you, then do consider it. It has meant my children moving schools and then moving back to their original school, but they’ve been absolutely fine (primary age).

I fully own what we did, I admit we tried something that didn’t work out and we couldn’t be happier.

Good luck.

@TisforTucan
Totally feeling this post right now and I'm a similar situation

How did things work out for you!?

Hi @bumblebumblebee3 I’d be interested to hear more about your situation
We moved house/ area over 4 years ago and I still think it wasn’t the right thing to have done. We moved for my work (which at the time was London based) and to be nearer elderly parents who can no longer travel easily.
But with COVID making working from home more acceptable I could now wfh most of the time and could have stayed where we were.
I miss our old house which we put a lot of effort into, I miss the friendships and kids friendships/ community that we’d built up over 12 years. We moved from seaside to London (where I grew up).
Now I dream of moving back! But I think I have a bad case of the grass being greener and there’s no doubt that London offers huge job and other opportunities.

@LMaufe

Oh wow your situation sounds very similar to mine.

We had our first (and only at present) daughter in 2019. So the first year of her life was pre pandemic. My husband was freelance and lost his contracts due to covid . He secured a full time job in a city an hour and a half away from home- a dream job that he wanted to be in long term - it was of course working from home but at the time we thought at some point he would go into the office. At the time I was longing to be a stay at home mum and I was dying to give up my job, which obviously put the spotlight on my husbands job.

We came to the conclusion that if we needed to move house to accommodate a working from home lifestyle , we might aswell move in the direction of my husbands job because one covid "ends", he will surely need to go into the office .

Well, it's been 2 years since he started working for them and he has not been needing to go into the office . We could have stayed at home in the house that we had loved and put effort into - we redid the kitchen and bathroom and we had a lovely community and friendships. We are only 1 hour away from home and whilst that's not far for us adults - for children it's very far and I'm sad that my daughter is no longer round the corner to friends who I have known my whole life and matter greatly to me.

I am trying my hardest to settle in here and make new friends - but there's nothing quite like old friends and especially friends who knew me pre motherhood .

Do you think you'll move back?

@LMaufe

Just realised my name is different above - I am bumblebee 3!! I just changed my name lol

Thanks for your message @hanrhdjendjd @bumblebumblebee3

Yes the house stuff sounds very similar! We’d completely remodelled our house and I miss it massively.
Also the timing with moving before COVID - no one could have predicted it and it’s impact on work and your husband’s ability to work from home.
We moved our kids when they were 12 and 14 years old. I would not recommend anyone do this if they can avoid it. Stay put once they’re in secondary is the lesson I’ve learnt.
I think we may well move once my youngest has finished sixth form. But I will always regret moving them out of the community we knew, it’s not just the adult friends I miss but our friends children who would hang out and the shared history with everyone we knew.
BUT having moved nearer my parents they’ve been able to have a closer relationship with their grandchildren, so it is not all bad. Also as time goes on you do get more embedded in life wherever you are.
But I don’t feel connected anymore, I think the primary school years are a time when adult friendships are cemented. As you say, nothing quite like old friends.
I often feel at sea where we live now and full of regret.
If we moved back I am sure it would feel very different though as things change.

How are things with you now @TisforTucan ?
Would be interested to hear

@LMaufe

I totally empathise with you and get your feelings completely.

The thing I am struggling with at the moment is my regret and doubt and guilt over the whole thing. But to a point where if I don't sort myself out I'm going to affect my health - I'm overeating due to worry and stress and the guilt and regret keeps me up at night . I often go into a blind panic and think we have to move back right now - but then when I think about how that would work I panic as I've just put my daughters primary school application in , we cannot afford to move again , and it wouldn't be back in our old house anyway. I am trying my hardest to come to terms with the decision so that I can be happy day to day.
Do you feel like it affecting or did affect you in this way?

Hi @hanrhdjendjd
Yes, it has consumed much of my thinking especially in the middle of the night. It’s definitely affected my mental health.
In the end I sought counselling which is helpful.
Some lessons from this are:
Thoughts are not facts.
Its easy to preserve the past in aspic: but it probably wasn’t perfect or you/ I wouldn’t have moved.
Keep in touch with your old friends and meet up if possible. I’ve found that actually helps keep things in perspective.
Some of the anxiety may have actually been there before the move in one way or another - I’d just forgotten that part and looking on the past with rose tinted spectacles.
Keep a diary and see if you can change your thoughts to be more positive - as you say try and focus on the day.

If your children are little/ primary age, then I am sure you will find a community with time through their school. It’s a very bonding few years.

@LMaufe - oh those middle of the night worries are the worst . I do hope that it goes in time as I can't handle the constant doubting and guilt . My biggest wobble is always around my daughter and making sure she has a happy childhood with friends - I'm certain if I had made this mistake without a child I would not be worrying as much as I would just be able to move back far easier - do you think the same??

I'm glad counselling helped you. Did you have to go for many sessions? Has your husband/partner suppported you through this time?

Hi @hanrhdjendjd
yes I had a lot of guilt related to moving my children, especially the elder one. Moved her from a school she loved to one she hated (of course we didn’t know this would be the case when we moved). But she’s fine now and quite happy.
I think there’s always some form of guilt about children and schools. The « What if…? » ruminations.
Children are very adaptable. I suspect your daughter will settle wherever she is, especially if still in primary.
Its the adults who are less adaptable!
Had quite a few counselling sessions but I’d say 4 was enough to start me on a slightly different path in terms of thinking.
Do hope you are ok.
Try and find one thing a day to be grateful for - someone suggested that to me and it’s helped see the wood for the trees.

We moved last may and I've not met a soul here despite trying. My children are grown up and I would move back in an instant.

Sorry to hear that @changedusername190 .
What prompted the move?
Could you move back?

I moved abroad in 2005 to start a new life. And I mean very far away from home. I had to learn a new language and start everything from scratch. It took me a couple years to feel completely at home here. Take it easy, don't overthink and the most important: never think about what you lost or how different things are and don't compare your previous life routines with the new ones. You will lose time and energy. Everything is new now but it won't feel that way forever. Hang in there!

@LMaufe

Has it affected your relationship with your partner at all!?
I am trying my hardest to not let my feelings on the move to cause resentment towards my husband. Sadly I think there is already some resentment there and I am so worried it will grow - I'm trying to suppress it ans scared that will make things worse

@hanrhdjendjd i instigated the move and my husband supported it although he didn’t really want to move but understood and thought it would be good for my career if we did - which it has been. But it’s me that’s regretted it. So I can’t say it’s affected our relationship negatively other than I feel guilty for having moved us and caused all that stress and then it was me who regretted it.

It's too outing to explain the move but I'm isolated and lonely. I've made so many efforts to meet people but there's not much going on here. If anyone is in Kent and fancies meeting up please pm me.
Any other ideas would be gratefully received.

Yes I've moved and regretted it.
Moved 150 miles from family. Really shouldn't have done it, but easier to be wise after the event.

Not sure what the future holds, but I would move back in a heartbeat!

Sorry to hear that @changedusername190
i find taking things a day at a time helps.
Don’t know Kent too well I’m afraid but good luck.

@LMaufe @hanrhdjendjd ive stumbled across your post and an in a similar situation, I recently moved back to my hometown and am really regretting moving from the lovely community and school we were in an hour away.

It’s two years since your post on here but I would love to know how you are both feeling now? Thank you x

Well, I'm feeling ok but in large part probably because we are moving back. As I get older being near friends is becoming as important as being near parents. Overall it has made me aware that it is too easy not to give enough value to everything you have already, right in front of you.
What is your situation @TheCalmCat ?