SN child can't do this anymore

[Cantthinkofausername1]

I have a child with asd/adhd/pda. I don't understand anything he does and each day is unspeakable. I want to end it all but i can't leave my younger child and my husband to deal with it all alone. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I don't have a plan and I won't act on it but I feel so alone. Whats the point in all of this?

I understand how hard it is, my son is similar although pda undiagnosed. I end up crying most days. Please talk to someone. I finally spoke to my GP yesterday and it felt like a weight had been lifted just talking about it and making a plan. Could that be an option for you? Also to make an appointment about your son to see if there's anything they can do to help?
You are not alone

That sounds incredibly tough. 💐

Please ring the samaritans

Plead ring your County Council and speak to a children's social worker. They may be able to offer respite care or even permanent care in a residential setting.

Is you son diagnosed? Does he have an ehc plan in place. What age is he, early intervention is very key. I've been where you are, it's awful but will get better with the right support in place.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Contact social services for help. They don't take the child away but can offer some respite care and support.

Sorry that may have sounded like you want your child taken away! I meant, be reassured they don't remove children in similar circumstances

@cottagegardenflower I can't imagine that social services would offer respite when they are so swamped, in an ideal world maybe.

Of course they do. No one said it was easy but many DC with ASD/ADHD get respite, especially if OP is struggling so much. And if OP’s DC has an EHCP support get be secured through that.

Really? Numerous threads I have read about this have said that social services have done nothing to help whatsoever even when parents are at breaking point.

@lollipoprainbow Well, cearly it will depend on the OP's exact situation, her DC's difficulties and the level of demand affecting social services in her local area. But it is clearly good advice to contact social services and ask for assessment and support -- and to find out from social srvices themselves, rather than 'numerous threads on mumsnet'.

I do think we need to be careful not to throw out incautious pessimistic remarks when someone is so in need of help.

When I had similar difficulties with my son, SS were very ready to get involved, to try snd talk to him and at least see what they could do.

@Random789 just being realistic rather than raising the OP hopes.

Yes, really. Like I said, no-one said it was easy but there are plenty of people, including on MN, who receive respite with similar needs. We get direct payments for DS1 and DS3.

And if OP’s DS has an EHCP and she appeals the education side of things she can also ask for social care to be looked at. While the result isn’t legally binding if social care are not going to follow the recommendations they must explain to SENDIST and the parent why and the parent may be able go down Judicial Review or LGO route.

An assessment by the disabled children’s team and a carer’s assessment are good advice.

Support via social care is realistic. Parents who advocate for their DC and enforce their DC’s rights get better support. Giving up on support doesn’t help anyone, you definitely aren’t going to get any social care support if you don’t ask!

@AReallyUsefulEngine so your saying I don't care about my dd ?? I'm exhausted with trying everything I can and as mentioned I have seen so many threads where parents are banging their heads against a brick wall trying to get support without any success. Good for you though clearly a much better parent than me.

Quote where I posted that?

Parents who advocate for their DC and enforce their DC’s rights get better support.

The implication being that as I haven't managed to get support I'm not advocating for my child.

Very patronising actually

That’s not the same as saying you don’t care. Nor is not patronising.

What I posted is true. Parents who advocate for their DC and enforce DC’s rights get better support. It’s true for social care just as it is for educational support. Parents who can’t or don’t advocate for their DC for whatever reason (disability, language barrier, social reasons, finances, not knowing the law and system or how to enforce rights…) are less likely to have as much support as those parents who do. It shouldn’t be like that but it is.

@AReallyUsefulEngine no it shouldn't be like that but not all parents who advocate and fight for their children's rights get what they want or need. You're clearly just one of the lucky ones.

I’m not the only one who has secured support. You may think I am ‘lucky’ (ha you know absolutely nothing about my life) with the support we get but it didn’t fall into our laps we enforced DC’s rights. For every thread on here where the parent is struggling to get support there are other posters who have managed it and they are more likely to manage it if they advocate and enforce DC’s rights because what I said about DC whose parents advocate and enforce their rights getting better support is true whether you like it or not.

There are many ways of challenging decisions and enforcing DC’s rights.

Have you asked for social care assessments?
Does DD have an EHCP and have you appealed BFI, have you asked SENDIST to also look at social care provision?
Have you gotten an independent social worker assessment?
Have you complained and then complained to the LGO?
Have you asked for an independent review?
Have you looked at whether JR is possible?
Have you looked at advocacy?
Have you spoken to a solicitor?

@AReallyUsefulEngine no because frankly I don't have the time, energy or finances to keep fighting.

Well then that is what I mean. Parents who advocate for their DC and enforce their rights get better support than those who can’t or don’t for whatever reason. That is not passing judgement on anyone, I state it as a fact.

If finances are a consideration you may be eligible for support. E.g. Advocacy for social care help can be free. Legal Aid for EHCP appeals. Judicial Review hearings are in DC’s name so she may be eligible for Legal Aid when you get beyond the initial stage. Parents in Need for help with an independent assessment for tribunal if you aren’t eligible for legal aid.