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Original poster

worried about dh

46 replies

nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:21

dont know who else to talk to about this, dh has just gone to work and dd's are still asleep after a restless night. also dont know where to start, sorry.

dh and i have been married for 3 years now but we have known each other for a lot longer (since school) and i was mostly attracted to him cos of his blinding sense of humour and fun. we were only married 6 months before i got pg, i was happy but he thought it was too soon. anyway, he adjusted to the idea and we were having such a great time with dd1 that we decided to have another baby, who was born 2 yrs after dd1, dd1 is now 2 and dd2 is 5 wks. its all gone pear shaped. dh's mum died of cancer 2 months ago, his dad is in hospital getting a pacemaker fitted (he has aged about 20 yrs since his wife died, becoming dependent on us, phoning up to 6/7 times a day, wanting us to visit all the time and he lives 50 miles away) and his aunt who he is really close to went into hospital too last night. dh has now started saying he hates his job, he should never have had children and he has started shouting at them all the time. both of them have a bad cold just now and are finding it hard to sleep so therefore we get none. his job isnt that stressful but he does have an hr and a bits commuting time each way. he says he is really tired all the time. he also has a shoulder injury that means he has permanent pain in his shoulder and back, we have tried everything and he is strong painkillers. being in pain all the time doesnt help.

i have lost the man i married and i want him back. i suggested he go to the dr cos i dont know what else to do, he refused at first but then after a while he said make the appt then ill think about it.

does anyone have any experience and does it all sound really petty or should i be this worried? its hard seeing straight sometimes cos at the mo im dealing with a miserable dh, a wild toddler and a newborn baby.

thanks for listening

OP posts:
AuntyQuated · 23/11/2004 08:24

oh, there's a thraed somewhere....hang on....

AuntyQuated · 23/11/2004 08:25

there are some good ideas here

DelGirl · 23/11/2004 08:28

gosh, what a lot to deal with. I really don't have any suggestions but wanted to send you ((hugs)). All of you are having to cope with soooo much its no wonder everyone's miserable . Obviously main suggestion would be to seek help from the GP. I just wonder if there is a palliative care or social nurse where his mum received care might be able to help with some aspects. I received counselling from the palliative care team before and after DH died which helped, though everyone is different. Try and get help from as many sources as you can. Sorry, not very helpful, hope you see a light soon.

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:29

aq - what an excellent thread! im just going to read through it properly. thank you v much

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DelGirl · 23/11/2004 08:31

and definitely make an appointment at the gp for him. When dh was ill, he would make out he didnt want/need help even though I knew he desparately needed it so a couple of times I got him into hospital and even though I was worried he'd be annoyed with me, he never was as he knew he was being stubborn and was glad that I made him go.

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:33

delgirl sad news of your dh, i am sorry. another thing i forgot to mention was that we recently moved here far from our friends and family, we know no-one at all round here except the childminder and ive met a couple of people through mothers and toddlers. therefore we have no support except on a couple of weeks a year when my mum comes to visit. i really envy those who have lots of people around them who they can just walk along the road and visit.

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DelGirl · 23/11/2004 08:36

blimey. Has your dh got any brothers and sisters who can share the load a bit with his dad and aunty, even if its just taking over the phone calls which must be very draining

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:47

his brother lives 5 mins from his dad! his bro does help but my dh is a soft touch and his dad knows he will come running for him.

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DelGirl · 23/11/2004 08:51

He cant be expected to deal with everything though surely especially as you have such a young baby. I know his dad must be feeling terrible, especially with having the pacemaker fitted but he must realise how hard it is for you.

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:55

he doesnt realise. i was 8 monthw pg with a wild toddler and he gave me the responsibility of organising the funeral. dh had to stay with him for a wk cos he was lonely, he slept with phone in his hand!

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MrsBigD · 23/11/2004 08:56

nailpolish - I would most definitely work on your husband to go and see his GP as constant pain in combo with sleep deprivation cab be a leathal coctail. I know... dh is the best dh one can imagine, but if he's not had his sleep and in pain... well his patient levels drop to negative, especially with the kids, and he goes around the place with big dark thunderclouds over his head. I usually manage to get through to him when he's got one of his 'moments' but I know it can be hard, if you don't get any feedback. Maybe the GP can get your DH to seek some counselling, as it seems he has a lto on his plate.
Not much help I know, but at least you know you've got us mn's to talk to.
[hugs]

merlot · 23/11/2004 08:57

sorry, not had time to read through the suggested thread (but will do as it looks excellent ), so sorry if I am repeating someone else.

Imo your dh could really do with talking to a grief counsellor - I'm sure his GP could point him in the right direction. My friend lost her dad nearly a year ago and she is feeling like all other aspects of her life are falling apart now (in reality, its probably emotional fall out from her grief) She is now taking the first step and going to contact CRUISE. Maybe this would help your husband too? Perhaps you could contact them first to find out more about it - dont know whether there is a website?

Sending you big hugs, it must be v.difficult with a newborn (all those hormones etc)

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:58

there is no way he would go to counselling, but i think he has been persuaded to see the gp

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Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 08:59

cruise sound good xxx

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merlot · 23/11/2004 09:07

fwiw, your husband's reaction to `counselling' is typical (and almost certainly a knee jerk reaction to the word itself) - maybe the GP can gently steer him in the right direction (speaking from personal experience here, that it really does help to talk to someone outside of the direct situation). GP is v.good first port of call though. Good Luck.

stitch · 23/11/2004 09:16

it sounds like your husband has too much to deal with. and so do you.
the best that youcan do for him, is to reduce the things he has to worry about. you cant do that about his dad or his job, but you can about the kids. so maybe try to keep them away from him. for example, maybe you could take them to spend a weekend at your parents house? it will give you time away from the stress, and time with your newborn. and let your toddler have some precious time with grandparents, aunts etc.

if that is not feasible, then just get in all the help you can with the kids. that way, at least he wont be yelling at the kids, and it wont affect the toddler so much.
and you need to take care of you, otherwise you will get a bad case of postnatal depression.
good luck

SantaFio2 · 23/11/2004 09:47

yes, i agree it sounds like depression. i am having problems with my husband atm but tbh he is getting better. he IS working really long hours and the travelling etc, is dragging him down on top of everything else. My dh started saying he wished he had never had kids, blamed me for giving up work etc. We have taken real drastic action though to resolve the problem, so i wont tell you what it is! But just wanted to let yoiu know, you are not alone. it is incredibly difficult when you lose such a close family member and someone else 9ie. his dad) has become more reliant on him. i think your dp's dad needs to see the gp too.

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 10:50

stitch, i just feel like going to mums for the weekend is a short term solution and that when i got back things wouldnt be any better, but i see what you mean. going to mums is difficult also

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Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 10:51

sf2 hope your dh is better soon xxx

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Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 21:10

have persuaded him to see gp! although since i mentioned it and made appt he is making jokes about sending him to the looney bin and its making me angry. how can he just fob it off like that? its not a joke - its our life and

seething.

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stitch · 23/11/2004 21:40

yes, i agree it is a short term solution, but it will help you get over the newborn, just given birth time, which will help you take care of the whole situation in a better way.
hopefully
good luck

moondog · 23/11/2004 21:52

No wonder the poor boke (and you) are having it tough!!

On a purely practical note, I have had permanent back and shoulder pain since dd born 4 years ago, which has come and gone (partic. at times of stress, but always been there).
Unless you have been in this situation, noone can believe how ratty and miserable it can make you (even without the other difficult emotional stuff and new baby.)

I finally snapped after birth of ds 19 weeks ago, decided I couldn't live a life dreading carrying and washing the baby, pushing the pram etc and forked out on 10 sessions of private physio (knew that although GP would be sympathetic, in all likelihood a long waiting list.)

Anyway, best £300 I ever spent. My outlook and life are completely transformed and the pain is under control as long as I do my exercises every day. Put it this way,I have not been able to sit at a computer for more than 5 mins. for years without being in pain but since finding Mumsnet a week or so ago I have been sitting here happily for hours at a time!

I know the difficulties are much deeper than just the shoulder thing, but it is one thing that he can work on which will make him feel better in the long term.

So sorry that things are difficult at a time when you should just be enjoying the little one. Hope it gets better soon.

Original poster
nailpolish · 23/11/2004 22:25

stitch, i have called my mum and me and the girls are going to stay with her next weekend. the weekend after that she is coming down to babysit for a few hrs and we (me and dh) are going out for a long lunch and some us time, thanks again.

moondog, we tried physio it didnt work. he forked out too for private osteopathy but it was very short term relief. do you know anything about acupuncture? im trying to persuade him to try that next. he had an mri scan and the consultant told him there was nothing wrong with him!

sometimes i could scream

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moondog · 23/11/2004 22:45

I did osteopathy first and like you mention, gave short term relief but subsequently the physio told me I need to relearn how to stand/walk etc.

I was sceptical and it took a while (ie me religiously doing exercises 4-5 times a day for at least a month) before I felt the effect.
However it was worth it.

Sorry, don't know about acupuncture, but a chiropractor is another suggestion.

Sorry, ignore these suggestions if they are not helpful. I just feel for him,knowing that on my bad days I shouted and snarled at everyone because it was so awful.

cardigan · 23/11/2004 22:59

Nailpolish - sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. What a sad & difficult time. You're doing fab keeping things going with two little ones & a dh in mourning for his mum. I'd say baby him - meals, rest, giving him a break from kids. Say that you'll need a rest from this work in a few weeks time but that you just want to give him time to be sad for what has happened. GP should have some tips of back & shoulder pain - is there any other treatment: tens machine, swimming etc? All the best xxx