worried about dh

[nailpolish]

dont know who else to talk to about this, dh has just gone to work and dd's are still asleep after a restless night. also dont know where to start, sorry.

dh and i have been married for 3 years now but we have known each other for a lot longer (since school) and i was mostly attracted to him cos of his blinding sense of humour and fun. we were only married 6 months before i got pg, i was happy but he thought it was too soon. anyway, he adjusted to the idea and we were having such a great time with dd1 that we decided to have another baby, who was born 2 yrs after dd1, dd1 is now 2 and dd2 is 5 wks. its all gone pear shaped. dh's mum died of cancer 2 months ago, his dad is in hospital getting a pacemaker fitted (he has aged about 20 yrs since his wife died, becoming dependent on us, phoning up to 6/7 times a day, wanting us to visit all the time and he lives 50 miles away) and his aunt who he is really close to went into hospital too last night. dh has now started saying he hates his job, he should never have had children and he has started shouting at them all the time. both of them have a bad cold just now and are finding it hard to sleep so therefore we get none. his job isnt that stressful but he does have an hr and a bits commuting time each way. he says he is really tired all the time. he also has a shoulder injury that means he has permanent pain in his shoulder and back, we have tried everything and he is strong painkillers. being in pain all the time doesnt help.

i have lost the man i married and i want him back. i suggested he go to the dr cos i dont know what else to do, he refused at first but then after a while he said make the appt then ill think about it.

does anyone have any experience and does it all sound really petty or should i be this worried? its hard seeing straight sometimes cos at the mo im dealing with a miserable dh, a wild toddler and a newborn baby.

thanks for listening

Nailpolish, I know exactly where you're coming from. Dh was like this just after ds2 was born - it was a terrible time. You could be talking about my dh in what you say about yours. I didn't know where my dh had gone - instead I had this irritable, miserable man - who was impatient and irritable with the kids, even with ds2 who was a new baby. it was so hard - I had PND for the second time and wasn't coping particularly well but I didn't trust him with ds2 (that sounds awful ) as he had no patience at all, especially when he would cry a lot. He would yell at ds2 (just weeks old) which was so unlike him - he had always been a great dad and, if anything, more patient than me.

I got to the stage where I was dreading him coming home from work. In the end, I kind of delivered an ultimatum: I said he went to see the GP or I was going. To my utter astonishment, as he is not a man who finds it easy to talk about his feelings, he agreed - he said he knew he needed help.

He was suffering from insomnia too, so the GP prescribed sleeping pills and anti-depressants - he wasn't on them long, but it got us through the worst of it and I now have my dh back.

Your dh's flippancy is his coping mechanism, try not to feel too angry with him, we still live in a society where men are supposed to cope, and not to show their emotions or any "weakness". I wish you strength to get through this: we did...just.

Dear nailpolish, I really sympathise as my DP has had to deal with several family bereavements, one when our DS was tiny, and I have watched him change into a different person (fortunately almost back to being himself after some good counselling). Cruse are very helpful and if he is reluctant to speak to them they might be able to offer you some help. There should be a local number for them in the business part of your phone book under "Cruse Bereavement Counselling".

My DP also had severe tiredness and consistent back pain from a past injury, he was incredibly tense most of the time. I promise you that this can get better and like moondog, it was a good physio who eventually worked it out. You have both had to deal with a heck of a lot: moving, a toddler and a new baby, separation from your families, illness and bereavement and dealing with the new dependency of your DH's father. I'm not surprised you feel as though you can't see straight - I'd be knee deep in empty gin bottles.

I don't know if this will help you but it helped me a great deal to have one or two clear things for myself to focus on. We live next to a river and I know this sounds odd but I used to just take 2 minutes out to look at the river when DS was asleep and think "whatever is happening, it keeps on flowing". Lord that sounds cheesy. My other big help was the comforting mumbling of Radio 4, it was always there, mumbling on about something or other. Try to keep a tiny space which is just for you in all of this. You sound like a very kind and supportive person so you need to reserve some of your energy for yourself. Good luck and hugs x

Just skimmed through the thread so sorry if repeating. Sounds like DH is going through the grieving process-do they offer breavement counselling locally or at the hospital/hospice where his mum was treated? He may be more open to that than just counselling. Probablly making a joke about seeing the gp is his defence mechanism because he's worried about it. 2 mths is'nt very long either it took my dh and fil much longer to come to terms with mil death 5 years ago, there are times when fil is still quite clingy to us (we're the nearest family)So take care, thinking of you((((hug))))

gosh you lot are so kind and thoughtful. lots of great advice here.

can anyone tell me what a chiropractor does? whats the difference between that and a physio, and a osteopath?

its hard having sympathy for him at times ESPECIALLY when he shouts at the girls, esp kirstie, 5 wks old. mishmish, it didnt sound cheesy, sounded lovely. what i do when i am at the end of my tether is stand at the back door and watch the birds on the birdtable. i take mel and kirstie and talk to them about the birds, and we watch them, sometimes only for 2 mins, sometimes for 30! you do anything to calm down and change your train of thought.

in the cupboard we have a supply of amitryptiline (sp) which dh was prescribed by the dr as painkillers for his shoulder. he doesnt take them, as although they dull the pain he is a bit drowsy in the morning and he doesnt like that. i know they are normally antidepressants and i wonder if i should try and get him to take them again, they would dull the pain and maybe help his mood. although he wouldnt be able to help me with night time feeds but that doesnt matter. they are only low dose so i think i might try that.

still think ill get appt for gp though.

Message withdrawn

If you get him to take the painkillers for the pain he'll feel better anyway! I work in a hospice and I see the difference not being in pain makes to a person- it can be really dramatic sometimes!! However anger is part of the grief process but maybe you should tell dh what he's doing and how it's making you feel, because he does need to know how his behaviour is effecting others and take responsibility for it-he's not the only victim- and a baby and toddeler can't fight back!!

we had a chat last night again and i told him about cruse - he had a look at the website but then told me that his mum isnt on his mind a s often and i propably think. he says whats really getting him down is the fact that we have lost our evenings and any time we had together since kirstie was born..(mel ahs slept 12 hrs a night since she was 6 wks and we had nice evenings together). shes only 5 wks old - what does he expect?! he says he cant wait til she is going to bed same time as mel and sleeping through - i said she might not sleep through the night til she is 2 yrs old and he didnt believe me. now i feel under pressure to get her into a routine just for his sake.

because this is the reason he is feeling down i feel useless because its totally out of our hands. dont believe him its the onlyreason. kirstie has such a bad cold and she is finding it hard to sleep and feed - he loses it with her and shouts at her. has no patience feeding a baby with a blocked nose who cant breathe with a bottle in her mouth but he insists on doing some of the feeds althoughive told him he doesnt have to. i breastfed mel for 6 months so he says this is all new to him. either you wnat to help out or not - thats what i keep wanting to say to him

at the risk of sounding selfish i wish someone would ask how i am at times - everyone we speak to asks how he is and never me.

cant wait til th e weekend and i can stay at mums for a night

feeling angry this morning

sorry missed you last night yurtgirl

well i am asking how you are, and believe me you have everyone's sympathy. even the most perfect dh in the world has nooooooo idea what it is like to give birth and be a mummy.
saw your other post too-sorry about the baby. hope she is better soon. take her to the doctor. better safe than sorry.

i'm sorry things are no better for you Nailpolish. you are doing so well to keep it all together. haven't caught up with the rest of the thread, but has he agreed to go to the doctor's yet?

thanks moondog xx

aq yes he ahs agreed to go to dr - wants me to go too with him - what do we say? do we rattle off a big long story to him and tell all?

sorry havent replied to your email yet

Hi nailpolish. Sorry to hear what a hard time you are having but it's a really good move to have persuaded your dh to see his doctor. Yes, tell the doctor as much as you can. It may help to write down what you want to say, as once you get in there you may get sidetracked and forget to tell him something important. It does sound like he is depressed though. It makes a person very self-centred unfortunately which would explain the way he is acting. I'm sure he feels really awful about the way he is treating you all, but is unable to see a way of stopping it. It is good too that you are going to get some support from your mother - you have an awful lot to cope with so soon after having the little one. I hope this will be the start of things improving. You need to look after yourself too remember. xxx

we went to dr this morning and told him the story. he focused on dh's shoulder and told him he could try new painkillers, gave him a px and told us he was sorry there was nothing more he could do, i said 'what you mean about his shoulder' he said yes and i said well what about everything else and he didnt even answer. dh said come on lets go and shuffled me out the door.

can't believe it!! How pathetic - after all you went through to get him there. Now he, and you, must feel even worse. Perhaps the new painkillers will help him though, and when he is in less pain he may be able to think about things more clearly. If his depression does not improve but will not go back to the doctor (understandable) could you contact the surgery and express your dissatisfaction with the way the doctor handled things? Tell them that your husband needed help with his depression and was fobbed off so will not make another app and you both really need help with this? Perhaps they may then give you the help you need. I am really just groping in the dark here, but feel so frustrated for you. How is he now?

And just as importantly, how are YOU now? You have had such a lot to cope with. xx

miam its lovely of you to think of me.

he was upset cos it took a lot of courage to go to the dr in the 1st place, but ive persuaded him to go back and see another dr, one we both like at the surgery. shes a lovely dr, in fact so lovely that we have to wait a couple of weeks for an appt to see her!

things have changed a wee bit around here - the painkillers are helping (yipee) kirstie is sleeping for longer periods at nights and i have had a word with dh's brother basically telling him he needs to get his finger out and do his bit for dh's dad.

we have asked my mum to babysit next saturday and we are having a night out, dh has even talked about going on holiday next year! i think its a combination of things but the big one was when he came upstairs to use the computer and saw this thread i had left on screen. i was so embarresse d and he was crying. he has made a real effort, even just to smile more! but i think we still need to chat to dr so thatll be soon.

thanks again for thinking of me. ive actually started to look forward to xmas now and having dh at home for 2 weeks holiday. although, as you may know it can all change overnight. xxx

That's really great nailpolish - soooo pleased for you!! What a great idea to leave the thread up accidentally (the power of mumsnet strikes again! ). I'd really feared that he would not want to see the doc again, but what wonderful news. Everything seems to be looking up - you deserve it for being such a wonderful support! Hope everything goes well - would love if you could let me know how everything goes. xx

thanks miam youve made me cry!

ive been trying not to keep focusing on the negative things and its hard but coming on here and writing it down helps me focus on the positive side, esp when others come back and say 'hey things are looking up' and i think 'yes you are right, i suppose they are!'
xxx

hurray! Really pleased things are looking up for you np xxxxx

cheers sm xxx

I think it was a real blessing in disguise that dh saw your thread. Reading back over the thread now, what shines through is your love and concern for him, and I'm sure that's what he saw too. I really hope you have a lovely xmas!