Dont know where to start really, it all seems silly written down but in my head its chaos. Im a mum to a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. I have good and bad days but at the moment I am having a daily battle to fight off the bad days - although I feel like im starting to lose the battle
Im constantly knackered, exhausted but when I get in bed I cant sleep, I feel wide awake and end up doing housework or something active. I can go to bed at 10pm and still be awake at 1am, frustrated and angry cos im so tired. I wake up knackered and struggle to get out of bed. The LO's are great sleepers and are both in bed for 9pm and sleep through till 7.30/8am (granted we have the odd sleepless night).
This obv has an impact on my next day and its turning into a vicious cirle. I know I have depression and have suffered with panic attacks for the last 3-4 years. Have been on various meds and had counselling but although some of it "helps", nothing is REALLY helping.
For me, in the past I have beat my feelings through exercise but now I dont have the free time as before or the money. I would love to join a gym or be able to go regularly but simply cant afford it.
I could exercise at home but would not get left alone and would end up leaving my exercise to do something around the house - the gym also gives me thinking time and breathing space away from the home which sometimes feels all-consuming. We dont even have enough room at home for me to do my exercise dvds.
Im not back at work yet and the thought of going back is aggrevating my panic attacks (think is also part of the reason for my insomnia).
I take my eldest the park once a week and we can be out for 3 hours, but I feel like I really NEED/WANT to pound the treadmill and have a "proper" workout. Prob doesnt sound like fun but I enjoy the "me time" of being at the gym.
I know my weight is part of my reason for feeling so down but the going round in circles of "need to feel better - go to the gym - cant have no money" is driving me mad. Have thought about going out running, love the idea but in reality brings on a panic attack, argh, im so frustrated.
I KNOW I would feel miles better after a few weeks of vigorous exercise and yes it would take a lot of courage to get started (lack of self confidence, no motivation,etc) but I so want to have a bit more strength and energy. At the moment just taking my DD upstairs and putting her to bed makes me physically exhausted, I feel like I cant lift another thing and could quite easily lie on the floor and not move a muscle. My body aches all over and I feels so hot like im burning up.
I want to fight this before it starts getting more of a grip on me because I can feel it starting to take over and I dont want it too
Im seeing my GP tomorrow but am dreading it cos I think I will just break down in tears and make no sense GP put me on Citalopram, they will only give me a 4 week prescription and wont do a repeat until they have seen me, but it can take 2 weeks to get an appt, so for the 3 months ive been on it, have only actually had 8 weeks worth and one of those was on the wrong dose - should have been 20mg but different doc gave me 10mg?!?!?
So I feel like tablets are getting me nowhere, esp not fast (I know they take a while to have a positive, if any, effect).
On the outside I carry on as normal, to people in RL I prob seem absolutely fine, I smile and speak to people (although inside I feel haggered and think I look like sh*te!!), but its such a struggle to keep up the "act" (as I call it!!). I want to actually FEEL the way I am acting, not just pretend.
DH tries to be supportive but most of the time he just gets on my nerves to be totally honest, although I really cant fault him, I just get irritated with him, but prob cos im just irritated full stop!!
We have no routines and when we sit down and try to put them in place it lasts all of 3 days. I think the house would run better with routines such as meal times, bed times for LO's, etc.
DH has to be up early for work so I suggested he did bed times and then went to bed himself for 9/9.30pm (as I get up thru the night with LO's and mornings this would leave me so time to wind down on my own at night), but this doesnt exist either, 90% of the time I do bedtimes, thru the night AND daytimes, I get up with LO's, get them ready, take DD to playgroup and then just have DS to look after. DH gets home at 1pm-ish but although he is here, doesnt exactly lighten the load!!!!
Sorry this is such a mega read, thanks for reading if you have any advice, suggestions, etc much appreciated x