Depressed - really or just normal daily grind? I cant tell???

[Monsoonrain]

Dont know where to start really, it all seems silly written down but in my head its chaos. Im a mum to a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. I have good and bad days but at the moment I am having a daily battle to fight off the bad days - although I feel like im starting to lose the battle

Im constantly knackered, exhausted but when I get in bed I cant sleep, I feel wide awake and end up doing housework or something active. I can go to bed at 10pm and still be awake at 1am, frustrated and angry cos im so tired. I wake up knackered and struggle to get out of bed. The LO's are great sleepers and are both in bed for 9pm and sleep through till 7.30/8am (granted we have the odd sleepless night).

This obv has an impact on my next day and its turning into a vicious cirle. I know I have depression and have suffered with panic attacks for the last 3-4 years. Have been on various meds and had counselling but although some of it "helps", nothing is REALLY helping.

For me, in the past I have beat my feelings through exercise but now I dont have the free time as before or the money. I would love to join a gym or be able to go regularly but simply cant afford it.

I could exercise at home but would not get left alone and would end up leaving my exercise to do something around the house - the gym also gives me thinking time and breathing space away from the home which sometimes feels all-consuming. We dont even have enough room at home for me to do my exercise dvds.

Im not back at work yet and the thought of going back is aggrevating my panic attacks (think is also part of the reason for my insomnia).

I take my eldest the park once a week and we can be out for 3 hours, but I feel like I really NEED/WANT to pound the treadmill and have a "proper" workout. Prob doesnt sound like fun but I enjoy the "me time" of being at the gym.

I know my weight is part of my reason for feeling so down but the going round in circles of "need to feel better - go to the gym - cant have no money" is driving me mad. Have thought about going out running, love the idea but in reality brings on a panic attack, argh, im so frustrated.

I KNOW I would feel miles better after a few weeks of vigorous exercise and yes it would take a lot of courage to get started (lack of self confidence, no motivation,etc) but I so want to have a bit more strength and energy. At the moment just taking my DD upstairs and putting her to bed makes me physically exhausted, I feel like I cant lift another thing and could quite easily lie on the floor and not move a muscle. My body aches all over and I feels so hot like im burning up.

I want to fight this before it starts getting more of a grip on me because I can feel it starting to take over and I dont want it too

Im seeing my GP tomorrow but am dreading it cos I think I will just break down in tears and make no sense GP put me on Citalopram, they will only give me a 4 week prescription and wont do a repeat until they have seen me, but it can take 2 weeks to get an appt, so for the 3 months ive been on it, have only actually had 8 weeks worth and one of those was on the wrong dose - should have been 20mg but different doc gave me 10mg?!?!?

So I feel like tablets are getting me nowhere, esp not fast (I know they take a while to have a positive, if any, effect).

On the outside I carry on as normal, to people in RL I prob seem absolutely fine, I smile and speak to people (although inside I feel haggered and think I look like sh*te!!), but its such a struggle to keep up the "act" (as I call it!!). I want to actually FEEL the way I am acting, not just pretend.

DH tries to be supportive but most of the time he just gets on my nerves to be totally honest, although I really cant fault him, I just get irritated with him, but prob cos im just irritated full stop!!

We have no routines and when we sit down and try to put them in place it lasts all of 3 days. I think the house would run better with routines such as meal times, bed times for LO's, etc.

DH has to be up early for work so I suggested he did bed times and then went to bed himself for 9/9.30pm (as I get up thru the night with LO's and mornings this would leave me so time to wind down on my own at night), but this doesnt exist either, 90% of the time I do bedtimes, thru the night AND daytimes, I get up with LO's, get them ready, take DD to playgroup and then just have DS to look after. DH gets home at 1pm-ish but although he is here, doesnt exactly lighten the load!!!!

Sorry this is such a mega read, thanks for reading if you have any advice, suggestions, etc much appreciated x

oh mr. that all sounds really hard. anyone would find two that age hard and tiring to care for. sounds like youre doing a good job and are trying to get help for yourself..... sorry have nothing v constructive to suggest but didnt want you to feel unheard....
could you do some exercise in evenings if dh is home then? how about a class nearby / swimming?

Parts of your post I could have written myself! I had PND after DS (19 mths now) and although I've come through the worst of it, I still get days where just getting DS ready to go out the door can seem like a mammoth task, especially when he goes into one of his I don't want my nappy changed moods etc. I also want to exercise but like you, am up late as can't sleep and then so knackered in the am that I end up not doing the 10 min speed workout that I have on a DVD, this makes me more tired and then I comfort eat and then feel crap about my weight....so, hope this makes you feel a bit better and that you aren't alone!

I personally think that the weather has a huge part to play in this - its not as if we get cold but sunny days - always seems to be grey and threatening to rain so you are mmm'ing and ahh'ing about going out walking and then end up taking the car in case it hammers down! I go to music classes with DS once a week and am starting a 2nd one tomorrow am as he loves his music a lot - I find having a class planned pushes me to get motivated to get out and then I'm all ready to face the day, iyswim.

I'm on Citalopram too - 20mgs. They do take time to work but they do work. Meanwhile, try to take some time out for yourself if you can. Get Dh to have the kids and have a soak in the bath with a book or something - even something as little as that helps.

Not sure if I've been any help here but just wanted to let you know you aren't on your own feeling overwhelmed and that others get it too

Hugs

Puss

Honestly? I know where you are coming from and how you feel as I am in a similar position myself. You have answered your problems yourself. You need to get to the gym - you know it will work so you have to find a way. I totally understand why excercising at home wouldn't help too, thats not what you need. So I think you need to address how you are going to do this - and your DH is going to have to give you some time to do it. I would think he should be able to find 3 x 1hr sessions a week when he can take charge of his children?

Doctors sound rather unorganised. You sound like a strong person (despite what you might think right now). You are going through all this and still managing to care for two very young children. Tomorrow at the doctors I think you should explain about the stupid situation with getting your ADs and the correct dose. They have to call you back after 4 weeks of being on ADs so make the appointment for four weeks ahead when you get your next prescription and tell then to get their act together.

If you think routine is going to help you out (and I think it would as it will help you schedule some 'you' time (hate that phrase ) then you are going to have to get one sorted I guess and make sure DH helps you stick to it.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh, I know it's damn hard to motivate yourself to do anything when you are depressed but it is the best way out. Do you know what causes your depression and anxiety? Your councilling should have pinpointed this and dealt with it.

taken me ages to type this - I bet others have beaten me to it - and put it far better than I have

hth

What I find really hard is that I know exercise would do wonders for me - self esteem, weight etc but getting movtivated so all the other stuff falls into place is soo hard - totally see where you are coming from!

this is why depression is a viscous circle, you lose all motivation (and ability to get your butt in gear), nothing gets done, you feel worse. You just have to stand up one day and say enough and just do it without another thought.

I clearly remember one day having a huge struggle just to get up and clear away a few of DDs toys off the floor and into a box which was lying next to them , it was the equivalent of a normal person trekking to the north pole in their jarmies. bloody depression

Its crap isn't it....I'm fine most days but what I can't stand is the odd bad day that I get where something so simple just leaves me with lump in throat in hallway at sheer hardness of it all! The weight is the big thing for me....yuk yuk!

Awwww, thank you for your replies, I was so scared of writing !!!!

Looking after my LOs is knackering but they are my absolute world, they are the ONLY thing I dont have a problem with

PJC - Exactly!!!! The lates nights, tired the next day, cant be bothered, too tired, just eat some chocolate instead, etc, etc. Hey presto, feel rubbish, LOL!!!! Thanks for your reply. I KNOW once im at the gym and stood on treadmill I would go for it and be there for 2-3 hours (in the gym that is, not on same treadmill, OMG!!!!), BUT its just the self esteem and motivation (lack of both!) which holds me back from actually going.

Coby - not harsh reply at all, I appreciate your comments, made a lot of sense, and thanks for saying im a strong person, I usually think I am which is why I dont want to be beaten by how im feeling ;)

I decided to myself that I would go to the gym Friday and Saturday night at about 7.30pm (as its usually quiet then due to people having a social life, LOL!!!), DH comes home tonight and has made plans to visit a relative in hospital - which is a nice thing for him to do, but AGAIN threw a spanner in the works for me, BUT I am determined I am going to go, if he isnt home in time I will ask my mum to sit with kids for an hour till he gets back or something, but I am going!!!! Hope this doesnt sound selfish, its very important and lovely that he visits his relative but if I would have told him of my plans to go to the gym and I didnt go, I would be snappy waiting for a smart ass comment about me not going, so I kept it to myself to remove pressure, etc.

Im not making any sense am I!!!!

Coby, sorry but PMSL at the North Pole trek comment, THATS ME!!!!! Everything feels like that at the moment, making tea, I sit down to eat it and then make a comment like "im not moving for the rest of the night now, ive not stopped"????? Im so dramamtic but seriously worn out from small tasks.

Toys all over floor in front room and dining room, not exaggerating either, its like ballet dancing in our dance to get to the kitchen.

I sit here looking at it all and feel tired so leave it. Have tidied it all away other days, only for DD to return home from playgroup and within 10 seconds undo what has taken me all day, LOL!!!! Bless her!!!

Getting them both ready and in the car of a morning is like a mission and by the time im ready to drive off, I want to get back in bed. Once outside playgroup I have to get buggy out for baby, get him in it, plus 3 bags, make sure he is ok while I get DD out of car (who usually demands to be carried whilst im pushing buggy!), get her in playgroup, coat off, bags hung up, etc, etc, baby back in car, buggy back in car and off to shops or back home - by which point im dead on my feet and ive only been out 20 minutes?!??!?!

Monsoon - your last post is a very good insight into my life. I look around at the end of the day being totally knackered and wonder why as nothing seems to have been done. You just don't realise all the silly things like those you mention. I timed how long it took for me to get my DDs out of the car and into pushchairs in town the other day and it was nearly 15 minutes (was cold, windy and raining so hats, coats, gloves etc required). I told DH about it when he got home and he just looked at me completely blankly and said, well don't get your car park ticket until they are in the pushchair ...oh for the bliss of opeing the car door, getting out and being in the shop in a minute .

Also being so knackered all the time I am so grouchy with my DDs, so fed up seeing the same pile of laundry not dealt with. I get it all folded in the eve, can't put it away in DDs bedroom while they are asleep, wake up in morning jump in shower and get out to find DDs have got out of bed and thrown the whole lot on the floor and used them as floor mops under the dining table which I forgot to sweep under the day before. It's no wonder depression is s prevelant in mothers .

btw, I don't think you are being selfish going to the gym. If your mum can babysit then I think you should jump at the chance to go - after all, the whole family will benefit (although benefit will be at maximum if you don't feel guilty for going - so don't feel guilty OK!!)

is prattling on a symptom of depression too (I need an excuse)???

If nothing else, being on here is good because it shows you there are other people who go through the same thing Sometimes that is a symptom in itself, feeling how we do, not being able to talk to someone, but talking to someone helps, another vicious circle!!!!

Coby, your post made me laugh, yep im with you on the timing and sheer complexity of just getting out of the door with kids in tow - its bliss when I do go out on my own. BTW 15 minutes sounds good, it might just be 15 minutes with mine, it just feels like 2 hours, LOL!!!!

WELL........... I went to see GP today, after being on MN last night I wrote a list of how ive been feeling. I found it easier to write that than be sat facing someone and tell it, also easier to describe it in writing.

Anyways, GP said it was a good thing to write it down and she read it and gave me a questionnaire to fill in, think I scored 19 but she didnt tell me anything about the results (I assume 19 is high??).

She has given me 20mg Citalopram with a repeat script and told me to see her again in 6 weeks - I told her im due back at work in 5 weeks and am already dreading it, feel like I cant handle it.

Im under the hospital for some medical procedures due to problems I got through childbirth, these are now being done one day a week over the next 5-6 weeks, so will still be going through this when im due back to work (and not even sure they will resolve the damage) - also having wisdom tooth out week before im due back, its all happening!!!!

So GP said I need to see her the week before im due back to work, she said I can make an appointment a week in advance so I guess in about 4 weeks I need to make another appt.

All in all it went better than I expected, just a relief to have finally a) admitted it and b)done something about it and c) been taken seriously (thanks to MN's).

To anybody feeling the same, I can recommend writing it down and giving the list or letter to GP. I went into the room and GP asked how I was (not the best thing to ask when on the verge of tears!!). I said not too good or bad and said "I have written things down as I dont want to get flustered" and she simply took the paper from me. List also helped me to understand how im feeling, it all seems different on paper from how it feels in my head?!?!

Yeah prattling must be a symptom, its one of my main ones, LOL!!! Thanks again for all your replies, they really helped x x

Glad you got on well at the doctors. Good luck with Citalopram - that is what I was on. For the first 3 days it made me feel sick (and it got worse with each day) and then suddenly the sickness feeling went and things got better. I'm planning to go back on Citalopram once I have stopped BF - it helped me a lot.

Sounds like you are in for some 'medical' fun over the next few weeks. Hope all goes well with that and the return to work and keep us posted on how you are doing .

Oh yes, not sure about the 19 score as there are several different questionnaires they use for diagnosis. Using the greatest scale (the one that goes up to the highest number) that doc use (that i know of) it would put you as 'moderately' depressed - don't think that means much more than '19' really - obviously a smaller scale means more depressed. Score can change from week to week and doc wouldn't have given you ADs if you didn;t need them. 20mg is the usual starter dose for Citalopram but if you find the side effects too much they can drop you down to 10mg and build things up from there (which works well). Most people recommend not reading the leaflet that comes with it as it is contains a list of scary side effects which rarely occur!

As many have said here, i could have written your post myself. I am in a cycle of rage, sadness etc.

Like you, a good 45 min run lifts my spirits and makes me feel great. And how many do I get... 1 in 3 weeks. So instead i eat a packet of biscuits to cheer myself up.. which then makes me depressed the next day due to every spiralling weight.

ANYWAY, have resolved to sit down with DH and tell him that for my sanity I need to schedule a minimum of 2 slots a week of an hour (I am going to schedule 3 to ensure i get 2) and I am going to get out and run.

i have tried to wait and look for the opportunity to say... I want to go and I never do. So my tactic now is to plan it in advance, like a drs appointment and see if that helps me get out the door.

I know that you mentioned lack of funds - but have you looked on ebay for any second hand babyjoggers? either here or ship from US. Not the break from the kids, but the chance to get out the door. Just a thought, might not be your thing

I'm with you ladies
some days it is so hard just to get out and go for a walk let alone run.

Anyone else got agitated type of depression?I work at home and my concentration is poor so I am always distracting myself by obsessing about some domestic problem or other.I am sometimes amazed I have a job given that I spend so much time trying to gather my thoughts into something coherent.

How do you really motivate yourself to get out and exercise? I suppose I feel I look so old and awful now, it isn't 'worth it', etc....

depression is evil. it is a horrible battle of darkness.

I have no advice, but sympathise.

Well done for going to your GP, the first step is the hardest.

The nearest I get to exercise is going for a walk - I find a rough sea or trees/rolling landscape help me feel more positive.

I too have a vicious cycle of bad sleep patterns/grumpiness/irritation/can't-be-arsedness, made worse by DH being at home - wincing in pain - 24/7 as he is still recovering from a shoulder replacement op (which has gone horribly wrong, but that's a whole new layer to my depression) and so not able to work at his profession but not able to "change direction", plus he gets irritable/grumpy. Writing it down I feel so sorry for my DCs.

Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed or have just got so used to being depressed (I have suffered on and off for 11 years) that I don't know how to feel anything else.

I'm sorry this is no help.

BTW, my GP thought I was mad, but I found citalopram made my panic attacks worse. I'm on sertraline now as BF. I agree though - don't read the side effects, Good luck.

only read half the thread but i want to say - your DP has got to start lightening the load for you, now.
Get the routines in place and stick to them, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Organise some time out of the house and by yourself or with friends. good luck.

reading that back I must clarify - by can't be arsed I mean it all takes too much effort, I have no energy. Sitting here now I feel like I'm being dragged downwards by heavy weights on my arms and shoulders. I identify with the effort it takes just to put something back in its box. and the eating of biscuits/toast. Also gate going to baby groups.

Sorry, wittering on.

Shitemum is absolutely right.

thisisRialife- it's like wading through concrete isn't it- it took me an hour to do a catalogue return parcel today- doing the label, finding the stuff to send back, folding it up, finding the sticky tape, etc.

Then I went out down the road for my only outing of the day and forgot the damn thing because my head is so full of wool!

Depression is almost funny sometimes (a very very big black cosmic joke!)

& we are all up late. Sometimes I can't be arsed to go to bed!? does that make sense??

I know where you're coming from godless. I have a parecel in the cupboard that I haven't opened because it will mean trying the stuff on and sending it back.

Also know exactly what you mean. I stay up far too late because, it's sods law that as soon as I get to sleep the baby wakes up, and the sooner you go to bed the sooner there's another day to be faced.

Hope this thread runs for a bit, seems like we could all do with a bit of support.

I came on here this morning meaning to write a similar thread, but just couldn't be bothered .

I hate depression. It is zapping my energy, my will to do anything, my confidence (and I didn't have a lot to start with) and my lust for life - I just can't be bothered with anything.

DD keeps me going, but everything leaves me feeling exhausted and I pray for her to want a nap, so that I can sleep too.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone!

Forgot to say, I'm on 40mg of Prazac.

lol Ria @ your parcel problem because I have finally scaled the Boden mountain today- I actually got it to the post office! Wahey...

how is everyone doing today... I am feeling a bit hypomanic/agitated (I get a bit bipolar at times, though never enough to actually feel good heh heh- I just talk a lot & can do a bit more round the house than usual)

I managed to cook dinner for the dses including pureeing food for the 9mo which is an achievement for me as I usually just give him a jar.

I realised it has been about a month since I have done this without feeling as if I were slogging up Everest without any hope of ever reaching the top.

sorted my parcel too (only because I was expecting another today and she could have taken it away with her. didn't come, maybe tomorrow).

I am quite "stuff it" today. Washed my hair this morning (because I had to take DS2 to hospital to see if his nose is really broken - still don't know). Was quite fired up at lunch as I thought I might look for a p/t job (like I really have the confidence to carry that off), because maybe if the worry about DH not working is eased, I might feel better , but that has been scuppered because there aren't any jobs advertised I could do. I would love to sleep through the day and (maybe) just come out at night. DH dragged me round the supermarket looking for "inspiration" for tea (fell off the diet AGAIN today) and there was nothing I wanted. It is unfair I'm so damned fat because I'm not a foodie, I just eat crap.

Sounds like you have had a bit of an achievement day godless, even if bipolar (sometimes I wonder if I veer that way).

Who said was prattling on a symptom of depression?...

what is up with dh Ria? illness?

Ikwym about sleeping!! I had 6 coffees today (which might explain the manic twitching heh heh)

fgs no dieting!! It is bad enough being depressed without having to care about food

(like you I do not do the not-eating depression thing! Apparently that is also a symptom of bipolar- which means you are eating crap for a good reason )
xx must get to bed though my head is buzzing uncomfortably with undone tasks!

can you find a gym with a creche, put the kids in it and have a coupld of hours freedom? our council one has a creche for £4 for two hours...worth it to give you a boost and let you exercise.

DHs story is very long and very boring. He has had 3 shoulder operations to "mend" a dislocation which haven't worked, so has just had a shoulder replacement (when ds3 was 1 1/2 months old). He is a chef by trade and doesn't yet have the range of movement or strength to be able to cope with work. Also something seems not quite right, so he won't be back at work just yet (he had the op in August 07). I know how hard it is for him but when I'm feeling shite it's hard to show it IYKWIM.

The dieting is evil. In theory if I eat better I should have more energy (and get thin and miserable), but because I have no energy I eat crap (and get fatter). there is more energy comes out of a bar of dairy milk than I get out of a sodding apple! If I go for a walk by way of exercise then I'm not in doing housework which gets me down when it needs doing(even though I still don't do it), so its still there to plague me when I go to bed.

Definitely prattling on ... (not very interesting, depression, is it?)

Am hoping for a brighter day tomorrow. Nite R
x.