My Wife is really struggling and I don't know what to do.....

[WilderChris]

To be honest I don't even know where to start, My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3 and have 2 children (5 year old girl & 18 month old Boy) Both kids are brilliant and when I compare to others kids they are little angels in comparison.

I work full time, I have my own joinery business and she works part time as a Hair dresser, she does 2 evenings a week and every 3rd Saturday.

She is really struggling with everything at the moment, even little things have her either crying for hours or yelling at the kids and when I say yelling it's not just telling them off it's a full blown top of her voice shouting, real anger. It's normally just the kids doing kids stuff like jumping off the sofa or throwing a ball in the house. Sometimes even if my daughter is singing she gets shouted at to shut up. Tonight she has gone to bed crying because she has asked her mum to look after our kids for a few hours tomorrow so we can go for a drink but she is looking after her sisters daughter.

I often have to finish work early to get home and help her as the kids are too much for her and I sometimes end up going to the workshop late too as she can't get both of them ready in the morning on her own.

I've recently had myocarditis, Inflammation of the heart and had to spend 5 days in hospital, during that time she had to have her mum to stay with her to help with the kids

When I came out of hospital I had to have 6 weeks full rest and this is when I saw what her day consisted of, our house is always a mess, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom, even the stairs. I used to think that having the kids all day meant she couldn't find the time to do anything but the truth is she just sits on the sofa all day. My daughter goes to school all day and my boy sleeps for 2-3 hours in the day so there is plenty of time to do what need doing. On the Saturdays that she works I have both of them all day and can do all the house work in a couple of hours, am I asking too much?

If I try talking to her about it she just shuts me down and says something like "not now" or "you don't understand what it's like", she just seems so angry at the minute and I don't know why, she often says she wishes she never had kids.

She's getting worse and I can see it affecting the kids as they are starting to mirror her behaviour.

Can you afford a cleaner? Maybe if you both didn’t need to worry about how clean the house is you’d have more time and you would both be less stressed. I definitely agree that your wife needs to see her GP, would your wife prefer to work full time?

I couldn't leave my children with someone who is going to scream at them.
For me that would have to stop today, or you leave with the kids - no matter hard that is.
Children are deeply emotionally damaged by that behaviour.

Thanks for all the good suggestions, I'm going to speak to the GP and see if we can get some help for her.

I also believe she needs to work during the day and have my 18 month old in childcare even if its just 1 or 2 days a week, the money is irrelevant.

As for all the comments about me being the one out of order for suggesting I think that because I work my wife should do every thing else thats not what I think.

Other mums and most of our family members comment on how much I do and wish their husbands were like me, it actually gets awkward when they say it in front of their husbands.

Maybe I didnt explain it very well in my posts but think of it like this

Everything a Stay at home parent would normally do I do 50% of and all the stuff The main bread winner/husband would normally do I do 95% of.

The house work is actually irrelevant, I'm more concerned with my wife's and childrens wellbeing.

For now forget about non essential chores (cleaning house, vacuuming & bathrooms) don't talk about it. As long as you & kids are fed and clothed everything else can wait.

offer to swap roles - you work PT and she returns to work full time so she's given a break from a routine which is clearly contributing to her mental health issues. Home 5 days a week with an 18month old is hard. All day everyday. Yes, they might nap but it's monotonous and relentless. You do this for a few weeks and you'll realise. Some people love it, obviously but this is not your wife. I couldn't do it. She's doing childcare all week then working evenings and weekend. When does she get a break? Of course she's sitting on sofa during naps - it's the only break she gets!

This will be an unpopular opinion here but if your wife refuses to see a GP then you are being taken for a mug.
The best way out for the time being even though it sounds inane is to make a detailed list of tasks that need to be done and then allocate them to each other which includes taking the mental load of these tasks. Then set up a weekly meeting of how these tasks progressed and if you both want to exchange some tasks.
The more you have things out in the open and described properly the less resentment will build up inside of both of you.

And I also think that putting your children in full time nursery 5 days a week is better than them being shouted at. It seems being at home the whole day is not suited for your wife. If you're children go to school / nursery / childminders, she can dress up and go out and get some paid work done which she might feel good about. Not all women and suited to domesticity and many find it hard to accept that as they have some fairy tale idea in their minds about what a mum and wife should be. Just having to get up, get ready and go out for work is often enough to improve mental health.

Sorry several typos due to autocorrect but hope you get the gist.

Definitely some childcare for the 18 month old. Not everyone's cut out to be a SAHP. And encourage her to carve out some time to look after herself- an exercise class once a week or whatever she enjoys doing. And a visit to the GP, and seeing about getting some therapy.

Nursery & cleaner. And something to get her out of the house. And a trip to the GP for meds.
You are right that this is not good.

I'm so sorry. I can relate in a way (although every experience is slightly different) because for two years I had a really hard time with working and house care.

Now we've divided things 100%. I do the house, he does the money. And honestly it's allowed me to focus on one thing (well not one thing but it's a clear division of responsibility in two huge areas of household life),

Would she be happier not having any financial responsibility and is that possible?

You are going to have to be very honest and very firm with her about the current situation being unacceptable. Yes she probably needs medical help but I suspect she will resist. You will have to stand firm and say it’s non negotiable. This is about the kids well being, your wife’s wellbeing and the survival of your marriage.

I had to do this for my dh. It was bloody hard, but I stuck to my guns and we got there in the end.

Your kids are lucky to have you looking out for them.

I think in the short term you need to throw as much money as possible at the problem. Child minder in the week. Cleaner. Babysitter at the weekend.

In the long term your wife needs some serious help. I think you're going to have to absolutely insist.

I think your massively under estimating what your wife is actually doing. It all sounds pretty normal to me. I wouldn’t begrudge her sitting down when the 18 month sleeps that’s the only break she’s getting all week. The stuff you do in the evening again sounds normal. Does she have any hobbies that she ever gets to do? I wonder if you should let her go on holiday for a week or 2. It sounds like she may need it. It’ll be good for her mental health, if she comes back a changed woman you’ll know that she needs more breaks. If nothing else she will have space to work out what the issue is. You’ll get a realistic idea of how much work she’s doing when she’s not there. If she’s not doing much anyway then all you’ll need to do is find childcare. It sounds like it would be a really useful reset for everyone and allow you both to assess what it is that’s not working and making her so short and snappy with the kids.

@WilderChris I feel for you. I think you are doing the right thing seeking medical help but you won't get far if your wife is not on board.

If you have moments where she's calm and feeling happy to talk honestly with you, you could gently show her a basic depression test from the internet so she can see in writing that her feelings and behaviour aren't normal, that she doesn't have to live this way, and that a GP might help.

It sounds like this goes far beyond an imbalance of housework. And for you, living with a depressed partner can be exhausting and difficult especially when you love and care for them and you want to make things better. That goes for either women or men.

She sounds very very unwell but you need to be firm. You can not allow her to continue to abuse your children. Because what you described is abuse.

She gets help. First morning the Doctors are open, she seeks therapy and joins support groups. Anything less than the above and she leaves and will not be able to have the children unsupervised. And please do not kill yourself to cover everything. They need one fit parent

OP, your post totally resonates with me, as a lot of what you are saying about your wife, is exactly how I am at the moment. I know I need help, but admitting it "publicly " feels like such a failure. I no longer recognise myself, feel like I have lost my identity and I cannot cope with the smallest of tasks without feeling overwhelmed. I used to have a fairly high powered job and now getting the kids (4 and 1) up and out the door seems like a monumental task.
Just this evening i couldn't get the baby to sleep and as soon as hubby came home (late, again) I gave him the baby, said i need to go for a walk and went straight out.
Someone mentioned the mental load. Beyond the physical tasks of keeping the house clean and tidy and the kids fed etc, it's all the other stuff... what meals do we want next week, life admin, what birthday presents to buy for upcoming kids parties, bla bla bla. These things go round and round in my head and I feel like it's only me thinking about it. If I ask my husband to help then he will, but I feel like its all on me and wish for him to just say one week 'BTW I've sorted the shopping for the week' but it never happens.
Your wife may not realise how she is acting (shouting etc) or simply cannot control it. I'm not making excuses, but pointing out she might need to be shocked in to a reality check.
Could she take some time out? The last time I felt this low, I went away for three whole nights by myself to an air bnb in the countryside. Was brilliant. I could just do as I pleased for the duration. It did wonders.
I agree with other posters that she needs help, the challenge is that she needs to be the one to instigate it, you can't do it for her.

Like I said at the start of my post, I know I need help and am going to call a counsellor tomorrow (again) and pick up my diary I write from time to time. So please be kind in any replies. Plus , I don't want to hijack OP's post, but just provide the perspective of a mother currently feeling like her

@Sosocold 💐💐

Brave post. Wishing you well as you start to make changes.

Can your 18m old go to childcare for a couple of days a week. I think the space would likely help her.

she sounds overwhelmed. It’s tough being by yourself with kids all the time. Frankly i wouldn’t chose to be a sahm. I work part time and appreciate the “rest” of work.

Also what about a cleaner once a fortnight to blitz the house and take some pressure off. Really your wife isn’t a SAHM, she is also working. So where you say you come home and “take over” two of those evenings you come home and she goes to work. So your days are mirrored on those days. Your wife needs support.

Absolutely this.

OP, you sound like you're doing your best. A lot more than what others would do.

@WilderChris , checking in, how is it going now? I truly hope things improved for you all.

Great post. I think many of us will be able to relate to you.

Thanks @RosettaStormer . I'm still up and down but currently a lot better than I was this time a year ago. I truly hope things have improved for the OP and his partner too

I get that tag teaming with work hours saves a lot of money on childcare but unless you have the easiest kids in the world its a recipe for a burnout.

OP I really hope for your family's sake you've figured something out that's sustainable for all of you.