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Original poster

My Wife is really struggling and I don't know what to do.....

74 replies

WilderChris · 29/04/2022 22:23

To be honest I don't even know where to start, My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3 and have 2 children (5 year old girl & 18 month old Boy) Both kids are brilliant and when I compare to others kids they are little angels in comparison.

I work full time, I have my own joinery business and she works part time as a Hair dresser, she does 2 evenings a week and every 3rd Saturday.

She is really struggling with everything at the moment, even little things have her either crying for hours or yelling at the kids and when I say yelling it's not just telling them off it's a full blown top of her voice shouting, real anger. It's normally just the kids doing kids stuff like jumping off the sofa or throwing a ball in the house. Sometimes even if my daughter is singing she gets shouted at to shut up. Tonight she has gone to bed crying because she has asked her mum to look after our kids for a few hours tomorrow so we can go for a drink but she is looking after her sisters daughter.

I often have to finish work early to get home and help her as the kids are too much for her and I sometimes end up going to the workshop late too as she can't get both of them ready in the morning on her own.

I've recently had myocarditis, Inflammation of the heart and had to spend 5 days in hospital, during that time she had to have her mum to stay with her to help with the kids

When I came out of hospital I had to have 6 weeks full rest and this is when I saw what her day consisted of, our house is always a mess, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom, even the stairs. I used to think that having the kids all day meant she couldn't find the time to do anything but the truth is she just sits on the sofa all day. My daughter goes to school all day and my boy sleeps for 2-3 hours in the day so there is plenty of time to do what need doing. On the Saturdays that she works I have both of them all day and can do all the house work in a couple of hours, am I asking too much?

If I try talking to her about it she just shuts me down and says something like "not now" or "you don't understand what it's like", she just seems so angry at the minute and I don't know why, she often says she wishes she never had kids.

She's getting worse and I can see it affecting the kids as they are starting to mirror her behaviour.

OP posts:
frostedfruits · 29/04/2022 22:28

It sounds like postnatal depression. Are you able to talk to the health visitor?

Comefromaway · 29/04/2022 22:29

People who are depressed find it hard to be motivated to do anything.

this is obviously not good for the children to be shouted at and yellled at all the time.

do you think she would agree to talk to the dr about how she is feeling.

Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 22:29

Would that be through the GP?

OP posts:
Discovereads · 29/04/2022 22:30

I think your wife has some serious MH issues going on. Perhaps undiagnosed PND as it seems to revolve around the children as triggers. Perhaps some PTSD if either of the births were traumatic- PTSD can cause anger issues.

Id sit with her and say you are very concerned for her and think she needs help as she is honestly not herself and it only getting worse with her being verbally abusive/over angry towards the children.

Blimeyherewegoagain · 29/04/2022 22:31

Be gentle with your wife- it’s possible she’s suffering from post natal depression - it doesn’t always happen when children are tiny. She’s also possibly feeling that she’s lost her identity a bit and she now sees herself as “just a mum”.
Please don’t get on to her about not doing the housework. Just getting out of bed and getting the children up is an achievement when it all feels too much.
Try to encourage her to see her GP too.

Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 22:31

Comefromaway · 29/04/2022 22:29

People who are depressed find it hard to be motivated to do anything.

this is obviously not good for the children to be shouted at and yellled at all the time.

do you think she would agree to talk to the dr about how she is feeling.

I've dropped it in to conversation before about PND but She said she was just tired, This was a few months back now when Our youngest wasn't sleeping, I'll try asking again.

OP posts:
Wnikat · 29/04/2022 22:31

The crying sounds like she might be depressed but the anger to the kids… well, that’s abusive and you need to protect them. Encourage her to see her GP for help with her mental health?

If it was a woman saying her husband shouted angrily at the kids we would also say she should leave. Have you considered that?

Discovereads · 29/04/2022 22:32

Yes, GP is first step. Then she should be referred to Mental Health for assessment and counselling/therapy.

Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 22:40

Wnikat · 29/04/2022 22:31

The crying sounds like she might be depressed but the anger to the kids… well, that’s abusive and you need to protect them. Encourage her to see her GP for help with her mental health?

If it was a woman saying her husband shouted angrily at the kids we would also say she should leave. Have you considered that?

I've considered leaving but the only thing stopping me is the thought of my kids being solely looked after by her, I don't think for one minute she would ever hurt them but it just the constant shouting and negativity towards them.

I'll get on to the GP and see what the next steps are, Thanks

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 29/04/2022 22:41

There's a lot going on here. She does sound like there's some post natal mental health issues going on which she should see her GP about. The angry shouting at the children is not on and needs to stop. Do you think you can talk to her about that?

Secondly it sounds like she's overwhelmed at home with the 18 month old. You might be able to be on top of all the housework whilst looking after the children but she obviously doesn't have the capacity at the moment. Berating her and comparing her to your own capability is going to make it worse. What's the current split of housework between the two of you? Are you expecting her to do everything on her own?

RoseslnTheHospital · 29/04/2022 22:41

People are suggesting your wife leaves and you stay with the kids. Not you leave.

Comefromaway · 29/04/2022 22:45

He’s not berating her. He’s explaining the difference between having a genuinely high needs baby/toddler where you can’t get anything done and her sitting on the sofa in an obviously depressed state all day.

RoseslnTheHospital · 29/04/2022 22:47

I didn't say he was. I'm saying not to start doing so. It won't help to draw comparisons and it will probably seem to her like she is being berated.

Comefromaway · 29/04/2022 22:47

Also an ex colleague of mine had myocarditis. It almost killed her. The OP has to take it seriously.

Velvian · 29/04/2022 22:49

Things obviously aren't working and she is not sorting them out at the moment. For your children's sake, you need to put some stuff in place.

Would your wife be better working during the day in the week and you get some childcare sorted? If she is working evenings and weekends, that's hard with young children.

SarahAndQuack · 29/04/2022 22:56

This sounds really stressful for both of you.

What I don't know from your post is: what happens when you're not working? You're working full time and you have been very unwell; she's working very part time. Outside of work hours, how do you split the housework? I know you've mentioned you finishing work early to help, but 'help' implies to me that's not your normal work pattern and not what you'd expect to be doing. So how do you usually divide chores?

On the info you give it sounds as if she is really struggling, and you've been very ill - it must be incredibly hard and you mustn't feel bad that things aren't perfect at the moment - of course they're not!

Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 22:59

RoseslnTheHospital · 29/04/2022 22:41

There's a lot going on here. She does sound like there's some post natal mental health issues going on which she should see her GP about. The angry shouting at the children is not on and needs to stop. Do you think you can talk to her about that?

Secondly it sounds like she's overwhelmed at home with the 18 month old. You might be able to be on top of all the housework whilst looking after the children but she obviously doesn't have the capacity at the moment. Berating her and comparing her to your own capability is going to make it worse. What's the current split of housework between the two of you? Are you expecting her to do everything on her own?

I've asked her lots of times to stop shouting and yelling at the kids but she either tells me I'm undermining her or says something like "why don't you back me up"

I can discipline the children without shouting, infact, the kids very rarely play up when with me anyway, or maybe I'm just too laid back with them.

House work wise I would say is fairly 50/50, averaged over the whole week I would say I do more maybe 60/40 as I spend most of the weekend trying to get on top of it.

Problem is that the minute I walk through the door from work I have to take over looking after the kids, I normally sort the kids dinner out, bath them, get my boy his bottle and put him to bed and then normally take over bed time with my daughter as the wife will have lost her rag with her. Then I normally cook our dinner, shes out working tues and thur evening so I do the whole routine.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 29/04/2022 23:03

Maybe she's miserable staying at home.

Have you had marriage issues at all?

Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 23:04

Velvian · 29/04/2022 22:49

Things obviously aren't working and she is not sorting them out at the moment. For your children's sake, you need to put some stuff in place.

Would your wife be better working during the day in the week and you get some childcare sorted? If she is working evenings and weekends, that's hard with young children.

I've suggested this many times and would be happy to be worse off financially if it meant she was happier, she just says we wouldn't be able to afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WilderChris · 29/04/2022 23:10

SarahAndQuack · 29/04/2022 22:56

This sounds really stressful for both of you.

What I don't know from your post is: what happens when you're not working? You're working full time and you have been very unwell; she's working very part time. Outside of work hours, how do you split the housework? I know you've mentioned you finishing work early to help, but 'help' implies to me that's not your normal work pattern and not what you'd expect to be doing. So how do you usually divide chores?

On the info you give it sounds as if she is really struggling, and you've been very ill - it must be incredibly hard and you mustn't feel bad that things aren't perfect at the moment - of course they're not!

I work for myself so I can kind of work when I want, the only problem being my income is reflected by the amount of work I do, I sometimes come home normal time, do dinner, bath and bedtime and then go back to my workshop for 3 or 4 hours.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 29/04/2022 23:11

I can discipline the children without shouting, infact, the kids very rarely play up when with me anyway, or maybe I'm just too laid back with them.

This really resonates with me - I wonder if the issue is you and your DP have very different expectations? If so, you really need to be on the same page. If you think you are 'disciplining' the children but also being 'too laid back' it might be she also veers between those same extremes - and IME it is so, so much easier to get this consistent when there are two of you agreeing on a course of action.

House work wise I would say is fairly 50/50, averaged over the whole week I would say I do more maybe 60/40 as I spend most of the weekend trying to get on top of it.

So what chores do you do? And what does she do? I would write them down, in a list. In an average week, you do x loads of laundry. You make y number of meals. You shop, you check the children's activities for the week and reply to social stuff for the older one. Etc. Etc.

I think if you write these things out - and get her to look at it and give her perspective - you will end up with something you can really use to divide up the chores. If it's in black and white, you both know it has to be done and she will be able to see it all, the same as you.

Problem is that the minute I walk through the door from work I have to take over looking after the kids, I normally sort the kids dinner out, bath them, get my boy his bottle and put him to bed and then normally take over bed time with my daughter as the wife will have lost her rag with her. Then I normally cook our dinner, shes out working tues and thur evening so I do the whole routine.

Ok, that doesn't sound abnormal to me. DP and I did those things for each other when we were the SAHPs, because at the end of the day with a young child you do need the other parent to step in after work. I think this is just your usual situation of life being full-on when they're small, and perhaps you're feeling this more than most because you're already struggling?

SarahAndQuack · 29/04/2022 23:12

I work for myself so I can kind of work when I want, the only problem being my income is reflected by the amount of work I do, I sometimes come home normal time, do dinner, bath and bedtime and then go back to my workshop for 3 or 4 hours.

YY, I get you - but how do you split up the chores?

HairyBum · 29/04/2022 23:18

It’s really important the kids and her have balance within the day particularly if she’s looking after them at night too. So a couple of hours to her self daytime, a few hours getting everyone out of the house (toddler groups, picnics in the park, soft play, visiting friends) and an hour or two to whisk round the house or order food online or pay bills or cooking. As long as you’re also pulling your weight chores wise and childcare wise so that together the house is quite straight (but not immaculate) by the kids bedtime.

HairyBum · 29/04/2022 23:21

It might be an idea to sit down and ask which jobs she prefers to do and which jobs you’d prefer to do. Together Split everything so it’s clear who is responsible for what - laundry, cooking, hoovering

AnastasiaRomanov · 29/04/2022 23:23

She sounds very depressed. I wonder what her mother feels about it? Is it possible you could have a chat to her and say how worried you are? Would she be sympathetic and supportive?
I think you need to speak to the GP if you can’t get your wife to go on her own.
Maybe you need to say to her either she recognises that she needs help, or you will try to get custody of the kids? Something needs to change for the sake of your children and you. You sound at the end of your rope and so does she.