My Wife is really struggling and I don't know what to do.....

[WilderChris]

To be honest I don't even know where to start, My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3 and have 2 children (5 year old girl & 18 month old Boy) Both kids are brilliant and when I compare to others kids they are little angels in comparison.

I work full time, I have my own joinery business and she works part time as a Hair dresser, she does 2 evenings a week and every 3rd Saturday.

She is really struggling with everything at the moment, even little things have her either crying for hours or yelling at the kids and when I say yelling it's not just telling them off it's a full blown top of her voice shouting, real anger. It's normally just the kids doing kids stuff like jumping off the sofa or throwing a ball in the house. Sometimes even if my daughter is singing she gets shouted at to shut up. Tonight she has gone to bed crying because she has asked her mum to look after our kids for a few hours tomorrow so we can go for a drink but she is looking after her sisters daughter.

I often have to finish work early to get home and help her as the kids are too much for her and I sometimes end up going to the workshop late too as she can't get both of them ready in the morning on her own.

I've recently had myocarditis, Inflammation of the heart and had to spend 5 days in hospital, during that time she had to have her mum to stay with her to help with the kids

When I came out of hospital I had to have 6 weeks full rest and this is when I saw what her day consisted of, our house is always a mess, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom, even the stairs. I used to think that having the kids all day meant she couldn't find the time to do anything but the truth is she just sits on the sofa all day. My daughter goes to school all day and my boy sleeps for 2-3 hours in the day so there is plenty of time to do what need doing. On the Saturdays that she works I have both of them all day and can do all the house work in a couple of hours, am I asking too much?

If I try talking to her about it she just shuts me down and says something like "not now" or "you don't understand what it's like", she just seems so angry at the minute and I don't know why, she often says she wishes she never had kids.

She's getting worse and I can see it affecting the kids as they are starting to mirror her behaviour.

If I wrote a list of everything I did and everything she did I don't think that would help, she does have good days, normally if she knows someone is coming around.

I must admit when it comes to organising the kids various activities that's all her, I don't get involved. But then how far do you go with this list, putting the bins out, washing the car, mowing the lawns, DIY, etc etc, all those kind of "man jobs" are done by me.

House work in the week Is virtually non existent, like I said above loading/unloading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen I tend to do before work or when I'm cooking dinner. I might push a wash on a couple of times a week but that can still end up being in the machine still when I get home.

She probably does more of the laundry than me, only because I'm not about in the day to hang it out. but saying that more often than not it's me that is getting it back in off the line, then its normally stacked up in the bedroom and will be there until we need an item or I have a Saturday when I can put it all away.

Last Saturday, I got up with the kids about 6.30, got them both breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishwasher, got them dressed, run the hoover around downstairs, took them in the garden so I could hang the washing up, put more washing on. cleaned the rabbit out, mowed the lawn. watered the plants. Then the wife got out of bed (10am), she had a shower and got dressed, I entertained the kids. I did lunch for us all. later on did us all dinner, bathed the kids, put the kids to bed ( both of them), I jest I mentioned I had done everything and she just said "well, we aren't keeping score are we?"

I like that Idea, A nice way of putting it.

Her Mum knows what she is like and often tells her she needs to do more, I did have a conversation with her mother a few months back about PND but she just says she's lazy and that's the reason she doesn't do anything.

I get that it's variable what she does.

But what you are saying doesn't quite make sense to me. You say you do 50/50, but you also say she does all the kids' activities, and housework in the week doesn't get done except you doing the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen, doing dinner sometimes or putting the occasional wash on. Those all sound like normal things that one would do with a SAHM (they're very similar to what I did with my partner when she was at home with our baby). So, given that leaves about 80% of the housework to do ... when does it happen?

Someone, sometime, must be cleaning the whole house (minus the kitchen). The must be putting the non-occasional washes on, getting them out, ironing them, and putting them away. They must be keeping track of the children's events and sorting them out. I suspect there is more.

You do things like mowing the lawn, the bins, DIY. I do those jobs for my wife, too - but they take much less time and effort than organising a child's activities, right? Bins out is literally a ten minute job: you empty all the household binds, put in new bags, shove them into the outside bin, and put it on the kerb. That's it!

I do get that you've had a rough time and you had a health issue (so did I, when my DD was newborn). But, you sound as if you think because you've had children, your wife has automatically assumed responsibility for the house and the children - and you!

She has two small children she's caring for in the week, and you are complaining about getting up at 6.30 on the weekend? Why?! They are your children too.

@SarahAndQuack - Well said. I don’t like this talk of “having to go home early to help her”. Going home to spend time with your children and looking after them isn’t “help”, it’s being a parent. If you split up, even if you only have the EOW, your wife will still get much more of a break that she really does now. You’ll still have to load your dishwasher, make dinner for yourself, get up at 6.30am when you have the children.. you aren’t a hero for doing this stuff, and you do sound like you are constantly keeping score. Something isn’t working in your family life and your wife is not okay. Stop gossiping with her mother and focus on communication with the woman you married.

Also; not wanting children to throw a ball around indoors or jump on furniture- that is usual parenting, not your wife overreacting. You should be backing her up on this stuff, not wandering around congratulating yourself on how laid-back you are..

I don’t think it’s OK to lie in bed till 10 am, leaving you to do all the work with the kids. You sound d like you’re doing far more than she is when you are home.

She sounds severely depressed. The lack of motivation, being tired and ‘lazy’, even the shouting and yelling (not having any capacity to manage better than that).You can be depressed without being sad. For me it’s a red flag when I’m too tired to do anything.

I think before any interpersonal relationship stuff is discussed, she needs the GP and if possible, you go with her to describe what you see. When someone is extremely depressed, they can’t necessarily even articulate it.

Maybe she’s also not coping more generally and needs better strategies and support with the kids and house etc, but you can’t have those discussions if someone is as unwell as she sounds to me.

Oh and I spent decades being told to ‘pull myself together’ before I got proper treatment, but a depressed person doesn’t know how! They don’t want to be lazy but when you feel like you’re encased in lead and just moving is an enormous effort, ‘lazy’ is what the world sees and judges you for. And it’s really shit!

Can I ask about the mental load?
Who does the meal planning? Who keeps on track of school / developmental progress? Who knows when to move to the next size clothes and sorts the smaller sizes? Who is the main contact for childcare? Who organises weekends and play dates? Who organises birthdays? Etc etc etc etc

I have a 5 month old. Housework is the least of my priorities and I have a ‘good’ baby

How is the mental load shared with you?

Shouting etc is a symptom of depression or anxiety.

putting the bins out and mowing the lawn is a lot less draining than things like constantly keeping on top of the laundry or managing the kids activities.

i went straight from the birth of my second child into early menopause so depending on her age that might be a factor.

if you can afford it, get a cleaner and a regular babysitter.

Has she had Covid ?

I know they are now trying to say with the vax it's "like a mild cold" for most people, and that's true for some. But for others (and anecdotally, I'd say for many) it's really not.

I'm on nearly 3 weeks in and still so exhausted by it and feel like I've got a stone weight on my chest. My DH is doing a huge amount. The house needs a complete sort and tidy from top to bottom, it's a mess. And I'm sitting about an awful lot. I can't seem to shift it. And I've chatted to a lot of people who've felt exhausted for weeks too.

Could it be that?

I don’t understand the demands for specific details about the split of household chores. That’s not the issue here. The poor woman sounds severely depressed and she needs help. Once that dark cloud lifts you can then talk about chores FFS.

Let’s not overlook that the OP has been very sick himself yet he’s not able to sit on the sofa all day or sleep in until 10am on Saturdays.

Go to the GP and get her some help and get a little bit of daytime childcare (even if she works during the day to justify it financially if you need to). Good luck. It’s a horrible place to be.

She sounds depressed and it sounds like that is leading her to behave in a way which is abusive or at least verging on abusive to the children. We all have bad days - I was unwell yesterday and my DC kept jumping on the bed next to me despite being repeatedly asked not to, so in the end I gave them an earful and they were upset - but the constant shouting and negativity is emotional abuse.

The children are the priority. If she can't parent them in a safe and appropriate way, then she needs to leave and you need to step up as their day-to-day parent. In the meantime, she should seek help from her GP and you and she should think about what life changes can be put in place to make things better. If she doesn't like being a SAHM for most of the time, for example, can she go back to work full-time and use childcare? There is some childcare help available for low earners when your younger child turns 2 and of course the 'free' hours kick in at 3 so that might make it more affordable.

I really can't believe the sexism in some of the responses her. If a woman said she worked full time and her husband did no housework and shouted at the kids she would be told he's a cocklodger and to get rid. Instead posters are saying OP needs to do more housework.

The housework is not the most important issue here. The OP's wife's temper and treatment of the children needs addressing urgently. It's not about the OP putting more washes on.

And someone losing their temper with the kids every day is not "different parenting" it's abuse.

Agree shouting is a symptom of depression.
That needs tacking first.
But she's got to want it.
Toddler in the buggy and 5 yr on foot and get round the block - every day
Good diet / protein- knock off junk food , caffeine and alcohol.
Plenty of water.
And factor in activities you like. At least one a day.
CBT is good therapy.
Can be done on line.

@Wnikat - if the husband had been pregnant, given birth, seemed depressed, had been up all night for over a year (he mentioned that a few months ago the baby wasn’t sleeping), was primary carer for the baby and child, spent 5 weeks also looking after his wife full-time (OP couldn’t do anything and had to rest for 5 weeks so she was looking after him too)… and the husband was shouting at the children for jumping on sofa and throwing balls indoors (while the wife ignored this behaviour), and the wife thought she was a saint for “helping” with childcare and running the dishwasher in the evenings… I think the responses might be similar.

Oh, and everything should be done while the baby has an afternoon nap, according to the OP, she shouldn’t sit on the sofa and be lazy like this, tired out or not, she is supposed to be his unpaid 24 hr childcare, family administrator and cleaner of course (as well as working outside the home part time too).

How dare she sit down on the job. It’s lucky he was at home for 5 weeks (whilst being cared for by her) so he could see for himself where she is failing.

Maybe she is depressed or maybe she genuinely regrets having the dc and wants her old life back. It’s a very taboo thing to say but plenty of men feel exactly like this and disappear off into the sunset but if a woman feels like this she must have depression… I think you need to ask her what she really wants to do. Does she want to go back to work full time so she’s out of the house more? Ultimately you have to protect the kids from her shouting and negativity and this may mean leaving her if things don’t change one way or another.

I agree that often a lot of men when they post on MN seem oblivious to how much household management goes on, and how little they actually do vs their expectations. But this OP doesn’t sound like he’s oblivious. I think the focus on the housework etc is a distraction. His wife sounds very depressed - so much so he’s mentioned it both to her and to her mum. She needs help with her mental health, not the OP to take on arranging play dates or school admin.

I'd rather have been mowing the lawn or emptying bins than sorting the DC activities when mine were little. And I wasn't depressed.
Your assumption that the DC would be 'solely looked after by her' if you split is very telling. You'd be 'solely' responsible for them half of every week yourself surely? As the other parent. Why think otherwise?

What's the current split of housework between the two of you? Are you expecting her to do everything on her own?

Oh come on! He works FT running his own business and she works 2 evenings a week and every 3rd Saturday - it's not remotely comparable. The blunt truth is that most people would have absolutely no problem taking care of two DC (one of whom is at school FT), while keeping a house clean and tidy. Unless you live in a huge mansion there is clearly something going on here, relating to depression or other untreated MH problems. It has bugger all to do with how much housework the OP is doing.

Do your kids sleep properly? Sleep deprivation is absolutely debilitating. And it quickly becomes a spiral of self hate.

Working evenings is a great solution financially, but again it's exhausting, because you're essentially doing two jobs. It sounds like she'd be much better off looking for a job during daytime hours. Not only would it give her a break from the kids, but she also wouldn't have to work evenings - double win.

Three full days even after childcare might earn the same as two evenings anyway?

Ps when a PP mentioned if you'd considered leaving, I don't imagine they meant leaving your children behind.

Do your kids sleep properly? Sleep deprivation is absolutely debilitating. And it quickly becomes a spiral of self hate.

Working evenings is a great solution financially, but again it's exhausting, because you're essentially doing two jobs. It sounds like she'd be much better off looking for a job during daytime hours. Not only would it give her a break from the kids, but she also wouldn't have to work evenings - double win.

Three full days even after childcare might earn the same as two evenings anyway?

Ps when a PP mentioned if you'd considered leaving, I don't imagine they meant leaving your children behind.

To be fair, op didn't say she is lazy. Her mother did. OP is looking for help not to be knocked down for not being the perfect person.

He didn't say everything should be done while baby sleeps (although unwisely this is what most women are told by advisors) but I think it would be unwise if op didn't look for help when things are not working out. Good on you op for exposing your vulnerability and asking for help though you are not perfect

OP, I think you are trying hard and nothing in your posts so far makes me think you are unreasonable. But I think things are on top of you both. If you can afford it, invest in help. 2 -3 hours of house cleaning a week or every second week. Therapy for wife. It's quite expensive but organisations such aa Betterhelp can offer discounts.