With the cost of living going up, would my son be better without me?

[emmaxelsie]

So for context I'm a single mum who found out she was pregnant in her first year of university. Took a year out to move back home and have my son and then continued and managed to graduate despite pandemic. My little ones biological dad isn't involved but pays child maintenance now.

So I look after my three year old, autistic, son on my own. But at the moment I can't really work full time as have to look after him and he only goes nursery 15 hours a week. I'm on Universal credit and his only just manages to pay my monthly bills. This means the only money we have is from child maintenance and money I get from my part time job, which isn't a lot as new laws means 64% of my wage gets taken off UC meaning I essentially work for £3 an hour.
With the cost of gas and electric going up, UC isn't going to be covering bills well and if little ones biological dad decides to go pilot school (which he said he would as he has been saving up for and isn't bothered about us struggling) we won't have much money for food. If I lose my job we won't have any money for food. I feel like even though I'm in the best mental state of my life, if I killed myself and my little one went to my sister or dad and his wife, at least they could pay for the things he needs without going food banks etc. I know people want to say its best if he has his mum, but what if it isn't? I genuinely think the better case scenario if for him to be raised in a situation where he has what he needs and is fed and warm. I'm not going to be able to afford it and think I need to think about what is best for his future. It's too expensive for me to be able to live.

Your child will never ever be better off with a loving parent killing themselves. You are his world. Please don't take that away.

Your son won't care if the food he eats is from a food bank or not, so if you need to use them then you do so without shame. You mention your sister and parents - if things got so bad then maybe they would be able to help out? There's also no point worrying about what happens if you lose your job - unless that's actually happening right now, shelve the thought.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

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Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We're going to move this to our Mental Health topic now. With very best wishes from MNHQ.

He needs you, more than pretty much anything else in the world. If you weren't there it would have a massively negative impact in his life. I know things are tough for you, but please stick with it.

Long term, no.

Firstly, are you getting DLA and carers allowance ?

Secondly, no, he will never be better off without you. You are his world. The devastation of losing a parent to suicide goes on forever.

Please see.your GP.

I’m sorry you are feeling desperate @emmaxelsie buy you’re not thinking straight, what might seem logical to you in this frame of mind, is far from reality. I’ve been suicidal myself, so I get it, it seems to make sense, your son needs you alive. The lifelong emotional damage that you would do by taking your life is far greater than any other hardship. Please talk honestly to your family, contact support services and do not contemplate anything other than the fact you are his everything and always will be.

Oh OP. Please don’t think like this. You are your son’s world. He needs you. YOU, his mum.

You’ve got lots of “what ifs” going on in your post. These things might happen, but they haven’t happened. There is always a way, there is always help. Don’t give up and please seek help wherever you can - your GP, a friend, Samaritans who you can call for free on 116 123.

Of course he won't be better off without you in the long run, even if he has more things in the short term. You'll be his safe place and that's worth more than money.

The outcomes for children of parents who commit suicide don’t make for good reading. Worst and not uncommon case is they do the same. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. Is there a way of getting some family help? Or looking for a better paying job? I’m so sorry you’re struggling like this but he won’t thank you in the long run whatever the reason.

Your son needs you. Just you.

You however need support talk to your family about how you feel open up - I’ve been there.

The answer is no. He would be a lost soul looking for his mum with massive childhood trauma - do not do that to him

He needs you.

Have you applied for dla? You don't need an official diagnosis before applying for it. I know someone who waited two years before getting an appointment to assess their child.

@emmaxelsie You must not think of an answer from which you cannot come back to address a short term problem when some years later you will be so grateful you did not take that option.

Please ask for help wherever you can & take any advise you can

You’ve only just graduated so haven’t realised your earning potential yet and your DC will be at school next September? Your financial circumstances could well be much better after that. You have a whole life together in front of you, don’t give up now. Your DS needs you to advocate for him .

I echo applying for DLA, my DS has ASD and we got around £300 a month. It’s not means tested. You should also get extra Universal Credit I think. I didn’t know about it until he was 14! As PP said you don’t need an official diagnosis.

Your son needs his Mum more than toys or activities.

Please tell someone what you’re thinking. Sometimes in stress, we can get caught up in our heads and not think straight.

You need support for you and your son. Does he have an official diagnosis? If not speak to his nursery about how to get one and an EHCP.

No, just no, he will not be better off without you. You are his world, don’t take that away from him. You mention your dad and sister, open up to them. Help is out there. Please please for your sons sake reach out for some support