Feel dead inside

[mumof3anddog22]

I have another thread about my daughter but it's now about me , so thought I should post here instead.
I've had issues in my personal life and just got on with life. Fake smiles etc.
My daughter took a huge OD and spent time on ICU on a ventilator.
I snapped.
I'm dead inside. I have no patience. Nothing excites me anymore. I hate my job and just wish I was no longer here.
I have accessed Occy health and they say I have depression and anxiety.
I have sorted counselling and have a doctors appointment for next week.
I wake up feeling sick. I actually dry heave or I am sick in the mornings. The first thing I see is my daughter lying in a bed with machines breathing for her. It's the last thing I see at night.
I am struggling at work. I work on a secure ward. Even yesterday I had a patient come towards me with a knife off the dinner trolley. But as they have no capacity it's deemed somehow except able.
I don't know what to expect posting this.
I have work in an hour and just want to vomit, I have palpitations, I want to cry.
Thank you for reading

So counselling is a no no at the moment. She said I'm too ill at present to engage properly as it's a solution focus therapy.
So plan is to see my doctor, get medicated and contact them back when my head is in a better place.

That sounds like a sensible plan.
So disappointed that you vetoed the bollock naked dancing! No, seriously, OP, I think it’s a good sign that your sense of humour is still there under all the stress.
You are still in my prayers, and I hope that rest and medication will help you toward being ready for therapy. God bless.

Spoken to doctor. Been signed off till 6th may and started on mirtazapine .
Phoned work. They were very good and doing a self referral to talking therapy

Is it normal to be only given 2 weeks worth?
It's 15mg tablets

Yes, two weeks is standard. It’s so they can review how you are getting on. I remember going back to my GP very distressed after 2 weeks, as I thought it meant I should be “cured” by then, and I felt I had failed. He was horrified, and explained it was so he could keep me in contact and check I wasn’t getting more ill or suicidal.
The other reason to be careful is that antidepressants such as mirtazapine will lift your motivation and energy before they lift your mood, and can slightly increase the risk of suicidal behaviour during the couple of weeks’ interval before mood improves. If you find this, please contact your GP immediately and get help.
I am really pleased for you, OP, that you are taking so many strides towards dealing with all your stress. Time away from work is vital, and I know you found it very hard to accept that it was what you needed. Rest and medication, recharging your batteries, enjoying simple things like your garden or a chat with an understanding friend, will all be hugely restorative, and prepare you for the longer term goal of therapy to sort out your trauma. Cliche, I know, but take things a day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You will get there.

Morning.
So took the mirtazapine over the weekend.
I'm really agitated, snappy, headaches , and feel more stressed. Even though I had a nice weekend.
I've lost my patience even more . I shouted at me partner over , did he want custard or ice cream with his pudding. Thinking back I'm mortified but felt so much bloody anger at the time , he was only reading and miss heard me. And I go full on bitch.

Please tell me this will pass.

I would see it as a positive development, OP.
I think it is a sign of you beginning to get in touch with all your blocked emotions.
They may well be a bit wild and disproportionate to start with, and anger is often the only way that an emotionally repressed person can express them - it can feel safer than allowing yourself to cry, for example, if you have a problem with seeing tears as “weakness”.
Explain to your partner that you may well be emotionally labile for some time yet, and that they shouldn’t take it personally. Just ride with it, and give yourself permission to have feelings, however they come out. I hope with time, there may be a healing flood of tears, and a processing of all the buried stress you’ve been under, to the point where you will be ready to engage with a therapist.
Keep on buggering on, as Churchill used to say - you will get there.

My head feels like a pressure cooker about to explode.

My daughter has done something to herself and smirked as she told me.
Not harmed herself as such.
Apparently she woke up this morning and decided to Kill herself but decided other options.
The line apparently is I have to deal with whatever she does because she will kill herself otherwise. All said whilst smirking at me like a sly fox.

Who the fuck does this? I get she has her own mental health issues but fucking hell.

She's slowly killing me.
I keep thinking of ways to disappear. Just run. No body can find me. Or how to kill myself but I know that's not an option that I will follow. I am not suicidal. I just don't want to face anyone anymore.

It's day 4 of the meds and they really are making me feel worse , or feels like it at present.

Don't know if anyone still reading. This is my place to get it out.
Day 9 of meds. I've chilled my boots and yes have motivation. But my mind is still in over drive.
I've been out with mum and whilst nice to be out I felt panicked, which is a normal reaction.

My boss messaged me with a job opportunity which will get me away from the place I work. And will lead to better opportunities in other areas of healthcare. She wants me to apply as she thinks the change will be good for me. She said a job will be waiting for me if I want but will support any decision to leave permanently, she will understand.
So tomorrow will be filling in the application. And fingers crossed.

I'm starting slowly to see light at the end of the tunnel , far in the distance.
I'm sorry for my rant on Tuesday.

Hi. Hopefully last post. I'm settled on my meds. Had 2 CBT sessions which has been up graded to level 3. I return back to work next week part time.

OP, I am so glad that you are making such tremendous progress. I missed your last message- I didn’t get the usual MN notification, but I think the site has been very glitchy as they changed over to their new platform.
How wonderful that you are applying for a change of ward - it will be so helpful to know that you never need to return to that high stress work environment. That is therapeutic in itself, and should lower your anxiety level on its own.
OP, what age is your DD? She seems to be weaponising her mental health problems in order to press your buttons, which makes me wonder if she is still a teenager, immature for her age, or perhaps has a degree of personality disorder. Either way, it is highly manipulative, and the last thing you need when you are dealing with your own issues.
I think you might have to take a step back here. Disengage a little - assure her that you will always love her, but you did not cause her illness, you cannot treat it, and you are not prepared to be emotionally blackmailed or guilt tripped over it. Tell her to discuss it with her CPN, GP or psychiatrist - that you can only be her mother and a general support, nothing more. I had to do similar with my own DD, which is a bit easier now she is in her 30s and living 50 miles away.
There is no need to apologise for having a rant, by the way! I think this thread is your “safe space” to express your fears, frustration and anger in any way that helps you get it all out.
Sorry I have rambled on a bit - I shall conclude by sending you my prayers and best wishes as always, that your life continues to improve and you find your happiness again. God bless.

@Babdoc
How lovely to read your post.

My daughter is 24, she does have a personality disorder.
She is actually being very supportive with my therapy, making sure I take my meds etc.

I made some other life changes this week , which my lovely therapist was proud of. A one sided (and not my side) friendship came to an end, I for once spoke out and they walked as they didn't like what I had to say. I felt sadness , but also relief.

The therapist today said there was something I was holding back. Something that was the nucleus of all of my self doubt and low esteem.
So I told her. A not very nice experience from being a teenager. So she decided the therapy I was having isn't right for me and has referred me to level 3 therapy, down side I have to wait months. I understand their are people who need more help than me.

I will keep coming back to this safe place.

Thank you

Yay, well done on ditching the toxic “friend”!
You seem to me to be an overly caring, conscientious (bordering on “people pleasing”) person, in your choice of career, and supporting your DD to the point of your own mental health collapsing, and providing friendship to selfish users, etc.
It is great that you are beginning to establish better boundaries- recognising when you are being made use of, and having the strength to refuse and walk away. Your therapist will definitely be proud of you, as am I.
It is also good that you have been able to trust your therapist in order to mention your underlying issue from your teen years. Deeply buried trauma can be challenging to face, but there is so much to gain from safely processing it.
I hope the waiting list isn’t too many months, but it at least gives you a little breathing space to consolidate your gains so far.
You have done so much to help other people with their traumas - now it is your turn to be kind to yourself and treat your own. Consider “mumofthree” to be your top priority patient until she is fully healed.
Prayers and best wishes, as always.

Just wanted to say good luck for starting back at work. I hope its a chance for you to reset and put into practice advice or lightbulb moments you've had through therapy so far.

Well didn't last long. When your having palpitations at work with a heart rate of 119. You know it's time.
I've applied for jobs outside of the nhs on double the money with less responsibility. I'm bloody miserable.

Double the money with less responsibility? That sounds like a win/win, OP, not a reason to be miserable.
Trying to function in a stressful, emotionally draining, responsible job, while at the same time processing your own deep traumas is not surprisingly a recipe for a breakdown.
Your mind is clearly telling you, via bodily stress symptoms, that it has had quite enough of this stressful shit at work, thanks very much, and it needs you to take a break and put your own needs first until they are sorted.
Thank goodness you have listened to it, and are applying for more suitable posts. The NHS leaves a trail of burned out, overly conscientious staff who have cracked up with the demands of the job. Don’t be one of them - protect yourself.

Been a long time since I was on this thread.
I went back to work, I did ok. Applied for other jobs which never went anywhere.
Was pondering about speaking to my gp to slowly come off the meds.

3 weeks ago I was thrown on the floor by a patient. A week off with neck and back injury.
Sunday just gone. Was head butted by another patient.
My meds have been doubled not halved and I start a new ward tomorrow.
Still waiting for my level 3 CBT.

Poor OP, that’s awful. But thank goodness you are at last moving to a different ward. I hope this new one is less dangerous and stressful for you.
I think the waiting times for all forms of therapy have lengthened due to the pandemic and lockdown, but you will get seen eventually. Is there any prospect of seeing a private therapist more quickly?
The increase in your meds will help to hold the fort until things improve in your life, so I wouldn’t be too downhearted about that, or see it as a backward step.
How is your relationship with your DD? Have you been able to put some boundaries in place there, to protect your own mental
health from her manipulation? And is your DP being supportive enough?
Sorry, that’s a barrage of questions- there is no need to answer if you don’t wish to, I was just wondering how your non work life was going at the moment. When we last talked, you had stresses in all directions, poor soul - it would be good if some have eased or you have more control of them.
Sending a comforting hug, and my prayers and good wishes that your new ward will be a violence free zone for you.

Just got in.
I survived day 1 and go back for more tomorrow.
My relationship with daughter is now low contact. For my sake more than hers. We do speak but I've not actually seen her for a while now. It always makes me feel on edge , what's she going to do or say.
Partner is really getting under my skin as well. The he's always right.

Outside work Ive started running again.
Allegedly stopping smoking in October.
And I have a few dates set up with my girl friends.

Im fine away from the hospital, but when your heart rate is 119 and you feel sick just walking towards the front entrance....
It's not good.

Think it's compassion burnout. I have nothing left to give.
Just slap on the fake smile , do my job , come home. Rinse and repeat.

Bit of a mixed picture, but there’s a lot of good bits of progress, mixed among the ongoing stresses, OP.
That’s very good that you have established a protective boundary with your DD. I think you were burning yourself to try and keep her warm - meeting her needs at the complete expense of your own. It will give you some much needed breathing space, and better sense of being in control, if you are in charge of the level of contact.
The running, and planning on stopping smoking - also both excellent. Running is a great endorphin releaser and mood lifter. See how you get on re the smoking, but don’t beat yourself up if you lapse a bit occasionally- don’t make it a stick to beat yourself with, but just celebrate each time you have a cig free day.
Is your new ward less emotionally demanding and physically stressful than your old one? If it is, you may gradually become less anxious after several shifts of not being assaulted, and not feeling drained by patients’ emotional demands. Let’s hope that you reach a point of not dreading entering the building every day. I would however recommend applying for a post on outpatient clinics, or somewhere low stress, with less intense patient involvement, rather than a ward, if anything suitable comes up.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your diagnosis of compassion fatigue. You have been giving and giving for years, and not receiving - your “bank account” of compassion is now overdrawn. You need to get some care for yourself, before you can give any more to others.
Try to detach a little from your patients. You can be professional and caring, without getting emotionally invested, and you really do need to protect your own wellbeing.
How feasible would it be financially to take early retirement on grounds of ill health? It might be worth considering, if it’s an option.
But give the new ward a fair trial first.
As for the tachycardia - it’s obviously stress related, but perhaps a low dose of a beta blocker might help to control it for you.
As always, feel free to use this thread as a safe “ranting” space to vent your feelings - I can provide an ear and a virtual hug, if not an instant remedy. And I think you should give yourself credit for the improvements you are making in dealing with all this.

Hugs haven’t read whole thread but take care glad your getting help take it bit bit hour by hour at this stage. Tiny treats as others have said help, favourite meals even if it’s cheaper version for me curry and rice. It’s very early days