Feel dead inside

[mumof3anddog22]

I have another thread about my daughter but it's now about me , so thought I should post here instead.
I've had issues in my personal life and just got on with life. Fake smiles etc.
My daughter took a huge OD and spent time on ICU on a ventilator.
I snapped.
I'm dead inside. I have no patience. Nothing excites me anymore. I hate my job and just wish I was no longer here.
I have accessed Occy health and they say I have depression and anxiety.
I have sorted counselling and have a doctors appointment for next week.
I wake up feeling sick. I actually dry heave or I am sick in the mornings. The first thing I see is my daughter lying in a bed with machines breathing for her. It's the last thing I see at night.
I am struggling at work. I work on a secure ward. Even yesterday I had a patient come towards me with a knife off the dinner trolley. But as they have no capacity it's deemed somehow except able.
I don't know what to expect posting this.
I have work in an hour and just want to vomit, I have palpitations, I want to cry.
Thank you for reading

It sounds really hard OP. Give yourself as much of a break as you can. You have been through a lot. Could you try and get some time off work? That might help while you try and process your daughter's actions. Take care.

(((HUG)))

That must have been so scary with your daughter. How old is she? Does she live at home?How is she doing now? Are you worried she'll try again?

Could you look at changing jobs? Working on a secure ward is beyond tough, make your life a little less stressful working with less difficult patients.

Are you eating well/getting some fresh air?

It good you have arranged some help, it's a shame you have to wait.

Can you put a lovely photo of you & your DD on your bedside and make a conscious effort to really look at that first thing in the morning?

I know how horrible those flash back images are, they do lessen with time. I wish at the time I'd actively tried to over ride them with a happier image.

Can you treat yourself to anything little that makes you smile (my current 'treat' is £1 daffodils from Tesco with my shopping each week. It's scandalous I get 2 - one for the kitchen windowsill & one for the lounge)

Do you have any pets?

OP, you need to take sick leave. You sound like you have post traumatic stress from your DD’s OD and you are depressed and emotionally numbed. You cannot carry on functioning in a stressful work environment in this condition.
Phone the ward and say you are taking sick leave. You can self certify the first week, and get an urgent GP appointment to discuss therapy and/or antidepressants.

I agree with the last poster. You are traumatised and suffering from PTSD. You need time off to sort yourself out. How awful for you to have gone through this.

Thank you. I wasn't expecting replies.
I get what you are saying about PTSD.
I had another assessment yesterday and cbt not an option but didn't really explain why.
I'm not keen about pharmaceutical intervention but I do need something.
Those of you saying to take time off sick, I've thought about it, but I'm only worse as I sit and stare at the walls. I have no get up.
I'm pondering about trial working on a different ward for a bit. But it's not a long term solution.
To the PP, I do have a dog. I've lost patience with her. I've not neglected or anything like that, she's still loved and given her needs, except walks. I have no enthusiasm, as before we would pack a bag and go on walks for hours .
And if anyone else asks me if I'm ok, think I will scream.

@mumof3anddog22

Thank you. I wasn't expecting replies. I get what you are saying about PTSD. I had another assessment yesterday and cbt not an option but didn't really explain why. I'm not keen about pharmaceutical intervention but I do need something. Those of you saying to take time off sick, I've thought about it, but I'm only worse as I sit and stare at the walls. I have no get up. I'm pondering about trial working on a different ward for a bit. But it's not a long term solution. To the PP, I do have a dog. I've lost patience with her. I've not neglected or anything like that, she's still loved and given her needs, except walks. I have no enthusiasm, as before we would pack a bag and go on walks for hours . And if anyone else asks me if I'm ok, think I will scream.

So sorry, OP. You have been through something profoundly traumatic and unsettling. It will take some considerable time and reassurance to get your bounce back. But remember how strongly life does always spring back, full of hope.

Number 1 thought to consider and accept: how you feel now is a temporary reaction, and will calm down.

At the moment, the aim must be to get your post-traumatic anxiety recognised and a suitable treatment path underway. And this needs the right person or people to help. Keep going with the gp until you get a therapist who feels right enough. I'd also avoid pharmaceuticals if possible, because that can add its own complication.

Your idea of working on a less potentially dangerous ward right now sounds very sensible. Take yourself out of the firing line, as your usual reflexes are temporarily compromised.

I also get that it could get much worse if you were off work and just at home. What's your situation at home? Do you have others living with you?

Don't worry about the dog, or the walks. The dog will be fine. And don't expect yourself to feel like you did before yet. One day you will fancy a nice long walk again. But right now those kind of things seem irrelevant, because you are in deep shock and grief mode, even though your daughter is now ok.

Your daughter is ok. She was saved. She's all right and is still here.

You need time to calm down and process that. It is all ok. And however poorly she was, she was always all the time saveable, and that is what happened. She was looked after and got better.

Your current shock is so strong that it's still running with the disaster scenario. It needs time and reassurance to man down and accept that the crisis is over.

And as I'm sure you've already thought, sorting yourself out will also help your daughter.

Bless you, I'm so sorry you've had to see and feel all this. There's also the issue of why your daughter did what she did, which presumably has a strong effect on you too.

There's a lot to talk about. Find someone to talk to. And stop immediately working on a ward where people might attack you.

💐

OP, I understand that you feel being at home will just make you “dwell” on your stress and anxieties without the distraction of work.
But at some point, you need to address your issues and process them, come to terms with them, and begin to heal.
You need peace, quiet and rest in order to achieve this.
I went through similar when my DD hanged herself at uni - thankfully she too survived, but I was in the same mental state as you are now, and I was working a stressful job as a hospital doctor, so I absolutely know what this is like.
I struggled on for weeks, not sleeping, stressed, numb, running on adrenalin, until my staff and colleagues said if I didn’t voluntarily take sick leave, they would make me.
I went home, fell onto my bed and couldn’t even move for five hours, just staring exhausted at the ceiling. I was off for five weeks, and it was the best thing I could have done.
I saw a therapist, did relaxation therapy, discussed my fears about my DD, deprogrammed my stress, and gradually became calmer and able to function.
After a couple of weeks, a colleague took me for a gentle walk round the botanical gardens and a coffee- a little bit of normality, that I was at last able to enjoy. I went back to work when I felt restored and ready.
Please give yourself the same breathing space, to step away from the stress, process it, and reset your mind and body from “red alert” to normal function.

@Babdoc perfect advice and v glad you and your daughter are ok now

Just got home from work.
I cried walking there.
I've spoken to the matron, I can't apparently just transfer to a different ward. Things need putting in place.
She mentioned time off. Said I'm not sure at present. She then said about splitting my shift into half days. Said no to that as I would be in that hell hole more than I am now.
So hoovered and put tea in the oven and wait for partner and son to come home from work.
I'm on a 13hr shift tomorrow. It's either make or break after yet again being sworn at, told to fucking die by patients, last night I was bitten.

Sorry that loaded before finished.

I have my appointment for Wednesday afternoon for counselling.

I just want to feel me again and not that someone else is directing my life.
Thank you for replies.

Kick up the arse day.
Had an awful week at work.
Today I'm attacking the garden.
Gardening was something I used to love.
So taking out my frustration on weeds and over grown borders .

Gardening has some plus points - fresh air, the mood lift of communing with nature- but it is still essentially a displacement activity, OP.
At some point you need to take long enough sick leave to actually address your mental health problems and access the help you need to heal. And there may also be a longer term issue of whether your current job is too stressful for you - a change of ward might be advisable to prevent burnout.
I hope your counsellor on Wednesday is able to persuade you to engage properly with therapy, because at present you are still blocking out your need for help and kicking the can down the road. You are neither indestructible nor irreplaceable, you are a human being who for once needs to put her own health first. What would you advise a patient in your position?
My very best wishes that Wednesday sees the start of your proper treatment and recovery, OP.

@Babdoc
Thank you for all your advice. My daughter has also hung herself. I don't know how I had the strength but I saved her life.

I'm at ignorance is bliss stage atm.
If I ignore it will go away and everything will be ok.
But it doesn't go away and I need to face it. I'm too scared to face it.
I don't think the 6 sessions I've been offered will be enough. There's too much in my head. Years of trauma from domestic violence both abusive and coercion. Not with my now partner. I have too much baggage.

I don't want to have to work because I'm scared of being alone, but I like being alone.
I'm sorry if I haven't made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I can't really speak to my partner about it. It's his one trait that really pisses me off. He looses his train of thought and begins talking about himself. His thoughts and feelings.

I don't think I have ever felt so alone. Too embarrassed to speak out & I think people don't know what to say to me.
They have stopped asking if I'm ok.
Sorry thing I'm contradicting myself .

I pinch myself to see if I can still feel pain as I'm so numb.
Christ I stood on Friday as a patient repeatedly hit my arm , staff came running. But I didn't react. I just stood there. Just stood with my arm raised protecting my face.

[quote mumof3anddog22]@Babdoc
Thank you for all your advice. My daughter has also hung herself. I don't know how I had the strength but I saved her life.

I'm at ignorance is bliss stage atm.
If I ignore it will go away and everything will be ok.
But it doesn't go away and I need to face it. I'm too scared to face it.
I don't think the 6 sessions I've been offered will be enough. There's too much in my head. Years of trauma from domestic violence both abusive and coercion. Not with my now partner. I have too much baggage.

I don't want to have to work because I'm scared of being alone, but I like being alone.
I'm sorry if I haven't made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I can't really speak to my partner about it. It's his one trait that really pisses me off. He looses his train of thought and begins talking about himself. His thoughts and feelings.

I don't think I have ever felt so alone. Too embarrassed to speak out & I think people don't know what to say to me.
They have stopped asking if I'm ok.
Sorry thing I'm contradicting myself .

I pinch myself to see if I can still feel pain as I'm so numb.
Christ I stood on Friday as a patient repeatedly hit my arm , staff came running. But I didn't react. I just stood there. Just stood with my arm raised protecting my face.

[/quote]
There are no words. You sound deeply traumatised. If you can possibly find the money for more sessions, so it. You desperately need the help. ❤️💐💐

6 sessions is unlikely to be enough, given your multiple issues. Can you afford a private therapist, OP? I saw a brilliant chap for nine weeks, who helped enormously.
You recognise that you have a lot of traumatic baggage, and you are quite naturally afraid of opening it to look inside.
But just imagine how wonderful it will be when you can actually drop that baggage and walk away from it, to lead your life free of anxiety and past trauma.
I don’t underestimate how painful it will be to process it - but surely it is better to do that, knowing that it will free you to be healed, rather than suffer this awful numbness and denial, which isn’t really helping?
I think a good therapist will give you the support and confidence you need to work through it - you won’t be tackling it alone, and they will go at your pace, as and when you feel able.
Maybe you could start by just considering the possibility of being healed, of having faith that there can be a happier future for you? And that may involve stepping back from a few things that are stressing you, such as your job, and also accepting that you cannot protect your DD from her depression, nor are you responsible for it, you can only mother her and help her access professional help.
Sending you a hug, OP, and I will put you in my prayers, that you will be able to ask for -and receive - the help you need.

I've walked out of work.
Went into the managers office. Said I'm leaving and I don't know when I will be back. She gave me a hug and said that she's at the end of the phone 24/7
I sort of feel relief.

Well done for being so brave and taking that first step towards healing yourself. It sounded like being in your work environment was really damaging and toxic and definitely not a place where you can heal. You also sound really strong, you've just been carrying so much for so long, and noone can do that alone.

I don't feel brave.
I'm trying to get home before the tears start again.
Phoned my partner and he's understanding.

Bless you, when I read what you’d written about work on Friday I thought ‘she is absolutely done. Just done with it.’ Please accept this virtual hug (sorry mumsnet!).

I’m glad you’re seeing a counsellor. I know you don’t want pharmaceuticals, but if you can’t afford more talking therapy than the few sessions they are offering, something alongside it may help? I’m not thinking SSRIs which will take the 6 weeks to kick in, more something a bit more short term and immediate (diaz? I’m no doctor!!!) just to take the flipping edge off to allow your brain some friggin space to try and process this all.
This is just my personal opinion, i’m NOT a medical professional, I’m simply stating my thought process if I was in your shoes.

It sounds like your manager was really supportive today, and that’s what you need:)
“Walking out” might feel like a failure at times but please reframe this - you have kept yourself SAFE and removed yourself from demands that are too great at this moment in time. I think that’s a really good thing

(Bloody) cup of tea or a (bloody) bath (which doesn’t flipping fix anything, but…) would be my immediate short term suggestions for today

I did the same thing years ago. Just reached the end of the line and snapped. Good for you.

OP, thank goodness, and well done you! I think this is a pivotal moment - a “felt shift” in cognitive terms - where at last, change is possible.
You have taken the first step - and what a massive, brilliant step - towards seeking help and healing from all your stress and trauma.
Have a bloody good cry, get in touch with those emotions you’ve been blocking for so long, give yourself permission to be human, to feel vulnerable, to need comfort.
I am so pleased for you, because now you can be helped, you accept that you have reached your limits, you are ready to deal with all this and come out the other side, healed and whole. God bless you, and may your journey to wellness be swift!

Afternoon.
Missed the deletion ?

I woke up this morning with a feeling of relief. That I didn't have to go to work.
My friend is taking me out for breakfast tomorrow which will be nice.

Regarding counselling, do they come up with a plan of action? Last time post PND 23 years ago, the counsellor told me that they were the driver and I had the map. I had to tell them where to go. Lasted 1 session.

Don’t worry about the deletion, OP, it was just pushing some rather woo beliefs.
Counsellors and therapists vary - make sure yours is accredited, and use your first appointment mainly to assess them and whether you feel they are a good fit for you. You need to feel you can trust them, that they have the intelligence to understand your problems, and that you can work comfortably with them, ie no personality clash.
A good one is worth their weight in gold. A crap one can make things worse.
Before you go, think about your goals - what do you want to achieve from the sessions?
Yours might include: learning to manage anxiety and uncertainty, deprogramming your PTSD, finding healthy ways to deal with stress, looking at work life balance, discussing how to handle your relationship with your DD so you can support her without detriment to your own mental health, working through your issues from your abusive ex partner, and finding ways to get your current partner to support you without derailing it to be all about him, etc.
There is loads to unpack there, and you may wish to sort through and see what you want to prioritise.
It might help to write out a list of issues as bullet points, to hand to your therapist at the start, so she/he can see what you are dealing with.
Even the process of sorting through it in advance can be helpful, OP, as you will feel you are beginning to tackle things, there is hope of improvement, and you are no longer stuck in denial, stress and numbness.
More power to your elbow, and I hope you enjoyed the breakfast with your friend. That’s a lovely wee slice of normality, along with your toast! Good luck, OP. Therapy is hard work, but very well worth it.

Don’t worry about the deletion, OP, it was just pushing some rather woo beliefs.

As long as I wasn't expected to dance around my garden at midnight bollock naked , think there would be some complaints