Well what a load of shit

[Whattodoniw]

I'm having therapy. Intense fucking therapy treatment for my shit mental health.

I've only just got going with it. It makes me sob for hours afterwards when I get home and I feel utterly shit.

I wondered today if was I having a mental health crisis. I felt that unwell this afternoon . Therapy was yesterday.

But they say it gets worse in therapy before it gets better.

For context I have severe anxiety, clinical depression and PTSD.

I feel in a bad way but am calmer now I've had a diazepam.

Is this normal? Please can anyone advise

I would be so grateful . Please.

I feel so alone. And I need a handhold.

Op I don't have much advice for you but I'm here as a handhold and a bump to your post, sorry you're feeling low

Do you like your therapist, feel a rapport and a good level of growing trust? Do you feel they can hold space for you in a way that makes you feel safe to be open?

If you feel like they’re the right person and you are on the right path then stick with it - you’re being very brave confronting these powerful painful feelings

Hey op, not sure how long you've been in therapy or how old you are (ie how long the underlying issues have been around) but I started therapy mid 30's and had all the same conditions you list plus other childhood trauma so I understand. For me I think I sobbed throughout each session for about 5-6 months. Then it all started to feel better. I had been able to grieve and RAGE in front of a completely objective kind person who had my back. It was the first time I'd ever been that fully vulnerable with anyone. Once that catharsis happened, it sort of cleared a way for me to start seeing my problems much more clearly and objectively and then start doing the work I needed to "re-program" my thoughts. The "real" work started at 6 months, but the sobbing was absolutely needed. Once I got past 6 months I felt lighter and grateful and started to feel upbeat when I woke up each day, ready to work on myself.

You are worthy of this time to grieve about your sadness and anger.

Thank you so much for your kind replies.

I'm in my forties and this is very new in terms of starting treatment/ therapy.

I like the therapist and I do feel comfortable with them. I am just finding this really really hard and incredibly intense and upsetting.

And boy do I feel alone. So dreadfully alone in this world. Almost as if I slipped out of it no one would notice. But I don't want to and I can't go down that route hence why I'm having to go through this.

I feel so sad .

There is childhood trauma there too ☹️

Maybe talk to your therapist about your fears about the therapeutic process and how it’s affecting you - involve them and ask for support around that. You can talk about that too.

The intuition that led to you seeking therapy will anchor you through these stormy painful patches, even if it perhaps doesn’t feel like it at the time.

If you need to cry and rage in the sessions, do; and if you want to take a step back from the intensity in the sessions for a while, that’s also ok.

It sounds so hard, but you are doing a brave and brilliant going.

Tell your therapist your finding it really intense and they should be able to help you with some calming strategies for in between sessions. They may take things a little more slowly too.

Healing can hurt though. Gradually the hurt dissolves. Keep going

Thank you for your replies.

I don't feel brave. I feel sick. In my stomach and I feel so alone and sad.

Literally like I have no friends in the world. That's not strictly true as I have my husband and my children but not any real actual people I can call ' friends'.

This all stays bottled up and it's so horrible.

I don't think about nice things , such as spring coming, the sun shining or having fun with my children. I think of nothing but sadness and my thoughts overtake everything.

I am trying so so hard but this really is incredibly difficult. ☹️

Okay @Whattodoniw you are doing the right thing in that case. If not already, try to keep a journal. Preferably daily or if not then weekly after sessions. Try to reflect upon your sessions and what came up and what your therapist said.

Also know that nothing lasts forever and change will happen. As long as you keep taking baby steps.

Look after yourself in small ways eg healthy choices, herbal teas, maybe do a 5 minute meditation each morning if you can, exercise or walk if you can. Again just baby steps to show yourself you are taking care of you.

I recommend Insight Timer (a free app) which has thousands of guided meditations and talks you might like).

Try to be kind to yourself.

Notice how you talk about yourself, the language you use. Note it in your journal. Try to swap your unkind language for kindness, as if you were describing a friend.

Above all, just keep going with the therapy and give it your all. You will get there

It's pretty normal ime. You will get to a stage where you leave sessions feeling pleased with yourself for your progress and where you feel safe enough in the session to open up and be honest.

It just takes time and the relationship with your therapist is key.

Thank you for your lovely replies . It really
means a lot.

I absolutely feel dreadful. So sad and so alone and like I really really do not matter.

I've started having paranoid thoughts as well; people disliking me, talking about me, avoiding me. As if I have down something bad or horrible.

I can't bear this feeling so I am going to give my Dr another call.

I feel like the loneliest and most unliked individual on the planet.

I think it is fairly common for therapy to make you feel worse initially. After all, you are bringing up all your worst feelings and the worse things that have ever happened to you. Confronting these things head on is very frightening and can bring up a lot of feelings that you might have tried to repress in the past. It is incredibly brave even going, you’re doing the right thing but you absolutely deserve praise for it people here are always here to chat to OP

I had 7 months worth of psychodynamic therapy a few years back. I cried before, during and after each session. It affected my job etci had to shop it in the end because whilst it's totally normal for things to get worse before they get better during therapy it wasn't going 5hay way for me.

You sound like your mental health is deteriorating to be honest @Whattodoniw

Did you speak to your GP yet?

I always felt it was bit like dredging a river. All the horrid stuff that you've tried to Bury in order to cope is brought to the service. And it stinks. But over time the river is improved.

Eventually I realised that the therapy was helping and I was learning new thinking patterns but in the short term it was hard. Keep going and accept that it's part of the journey would be my well intended advice. Good luck!

If you haven't done so already, you need to take all of this to your therapist in your next session. Ask for help - I mean really ask for it. Take it from there.

@frostedfruit

You sound like your mental health is deteriorating to be honest *@Whattodoniw*

Did you speak to your GP yet?

I think so too. And that scares me.

I will only speak to my one gp and she isn't there today.

I really don't like feeling this way and I have two beautiful children that need their Mum.

Thank you for holding my hand 💕

@Whattodoniw when is your next therapy session? Definitely express all this to your therapist.

Hi I feel like we are going through the same experience i was having therapy but I had to quit I couldn't cope with my life and the struggles of family after my sessions.
It felt very traumatic reliving stuff as I had to dig it up I started having memories of things I hadn't known I remembered if that makes sense. I felt worse going through it as an adult than I think I did as a child. I feel so lost now though like I've opened a wound I've not been able to put my life back together properly since and I'll be speaking to gp Monday.

Sorry not much help just wanted you to know your not alone x

Is there anything you can do to take your mind off intrusive thoughts? Play an online game or something that takes you out of yourself even if for a little while?

I struggled last summer and I found random games on my phone to distract me - it gave my brain a rest and helped me relax

Hope you feel better really soon

You are doing brilliantly, better than you are giving yourself credit for. The fact that you are engaging with a doctor and therapist is to be seen as achievement in itself.
Our past defines who we are today, good or bad and it can be a scary thought working towards those feelings and memories not having an effect on you today. Lots of 'what if' thoughts start to arrive. Such as what if I can't get over this, what if I can and don't want the life I have if I get over things? That's normal, don't worry about those things at the moment. Baby steps, you don't need to climb the mountain all at once. Take a break if you need to, you are in control of this, remember that.
I can't promise that things will get better for you, they may get worse. But what I can promise is that this is transient, it will pass. One day you will realise a memory of something however awful just doesn't hurt you anymore. You will never forget but you will have decided that it no longer defines or affects you.
It's not fair or your fault what has happened to you in life to get you to this point but you are taking responsibility for your feelings over it and that's something you must always hold onto. Keep fighting it. You will get through this, might not seem like it at this moment in time but have faith in yourself and remember that you are in charge of this journey.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies. They mean so much.

I've taken another diazepam this afternoon.

It really is so horrible and I am finding it very very hard .

I’m sorry things are so hard… is there anything we can do to help? Chat rubbish and distract you? What are you doing at the moment?

You are not alone. You are going through a tough time and it is hard going through therapy and confronting your past.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are not your thoughts. So even if you think you are alone, unloved , talked about etc - these are just thoughts. They are not reality

I’ve experienced some of what you’re going through OP and can relate to your feelings of being talked about or as if I’ve done something wrong all the time, and it’s horrible. When things are bad I try to focus on 2 things:
Thoughts are not facts
This too shall pass
I know that sounds a little flippant, but these two little mantras genuinely help to take the edge off my anxiety, as silly as it seems. It’s taken me a while to believe the second one, but it’s true - just because you’re having a thought it doesn’t mean there is any reality to it. I keep repeating these things to myself until they start to sink in. I wish you all the best xxx