Well what a load of shit

[Whattodoniw]

I'm having therapy. Intense fucking therapy treatment for my shit mental health.

I've only just got going with it. It makes me sob for hours afterwards when I get home and I feel utterly shit.

I wondered today if was I having a mental health crisis. I felt that unwell this afternoon . Therapy was yesterday.

But they say it gets worse in therapy before it gets better.

For context I have severe anxiety, clinical depression and PTSD.

I feel in a bad way but am calmer now I've had a diazepam.

Is this normal? Please can anyone advise

I would be so grateful . Please.

I feel so alone. And I need a handhold.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I remember when I started therapy, they told me it would be hard work. I can remember rolling my internal eyeballs. How hard is talking about your problems? As it turns out it was very hard. Things you'd nicely tucked away came tumbling out as well. Things you'd learned to accommodate all had to be examined. You had to pull everything out, look at it, think about it and then deal with or refile it. At least that's how my mind dealt with it.

And then it got harder because you had to learn how to change behaviours that you had adopted as coping strategies but we're ultimately hurting you. It's really difficult to change patterns of behaviour that you've been doing for a long time. And even 25 years on I still find myself falling into old patterns.

I think you realise how important it is for you to deal your problems so you're sort of past bravery and into survival really. Having horrible thoughts of how people think of you is pretty normal for people in therapy. If you could be rational, you'd know that people just don't focus on other people that much and that the important people love you. But you're not at the point where you can accept that. But you will get there. Don't give up.

It’s horrible having a bunch of stuff from the past brought up like a big stick to beat you with. I remember it well. I was utterly miserable. My nose and eyes were permanently red.

But it was so worth it. Now I can look back and know none of the shite was my fault. I can look at myself and know I am innocent of all charges. No more blaming myself.

I don’t have that many friends either but the ones I have are good ones. I don’t have a partner and would like one but one step at a time.

Stay off social media as it’s a load of pish and posed photos from dysfunctional people pretending everything is fine, but it eats into your soul.

I’d suggest going for a walk in a safe area. I find the gentle exercise really helps. Like it resets me. If dc are small enough to enjoy swings etc take them with you and go to a further away park than you’d usually go so they can have fun.

Music is also my saviour. Favourite tunes and dancing about really helps me feel happy. I don’t give a monkeys how stupid I look dancing around doing housework with my headphones on. Again the exercise really helps me reset.

You will all also sleep better.

It absolutely totally gets better. You’re doing really well. It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll do and you will succeed. It takes time but as you say you do go down before you come up.

You will be climbing the ladder out of this misery soon. And then it will be so much easier. You’ll look forward to sessions. You can do this. It will be fine. Just hang in there and seek help on here or wherever you need to.

How are you doing @Whattodoniw ?