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Original poster

I feel like there's no point to my existence and I don't really want to be here anymore

51 replies

Lily2075 · 08/02/2022 19:25

I'm so crippingly unhappy and have been for years now. I literally just exist day to day. I hate my job but have no idea what else I would do. My confidence is shit I always feel like I'm crap at my job although no one has ever raised concerns about my performance. I'm so fat but food is the only thing that really brings me some happiness and comfort although I've not eaten proper meals for weeks. I wake up in the morning and think oh god I have to face another day. Already tried/am on meds have had loads of counselling and different kinds of therapy. If someone came to me now and said it's my last day I'd be so relieved. Thanks for reading, I don't have anyone I could say all of this to.

OP posts:
narcdad · 08/02/2022 20:18

If you don't speak to your GP, work HR department, friends or family then how are things going to change?

Being overweight and not eating right can increase depression, sounds like you need someone to support you as by reaching out on here shows that some small part of you needs to be heard.

If you had a magic pill that gave you the life you wanted, what would that like look like?

ClariceQuiff · 08/02/2022 20:21

You mention your job - is there an employee counselling service you could speak with? They can normally offer immediate, confidential support more quickly than NHS services.

You say you feel like you are crap at your job, although no concerns have ever been raised about your performance - this is known as imposter syndrome and is really, really common especially for women. If you google 'imposter syndrome' you will find plenty of experiences and resources that are helpful.

onwardsandupwards22 · 08/02/2022 20:27

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I care and so do all the others posting on this thread. Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything at all?

Featuredcreature · 08/02/2022 20:28

If you are feeling like this I would suggest going to the nearest mental health hospital if there is one. I went with my sister once when a gp said she should go. They have a kind of rubbish emergency service, the guy was absolutely fucking useless and tried to fob her off, but I advocated for her and the crisis team visited her the next day. She was then in the system and received lots of support.

Shame she abandoned me when I needed it Hmm

Cissyandflora · 08/02/2022 20:34

I agree with other posters. In a crisis you need to be seen urgently. Are you near a hospital? Would you ask someone to take you there? Is there anything any of us reading your posts could do to help you? Truly don’t feel alone. You are not.

LlamaLucy · 08/02/2022 20:46

Lily! You have a job and a place to live - great start.

Sounds like you’ve got no confidence in yourself AND therefore no confidence in anyone else.

How about trying to connect with people to rebuild your confidence. Go to the library and ask a friendly looking soul what good books they’ve read lately. Ask a lady in the park what kind of breed her dog is. Go to a garden centre and chat to an old gal about what to plant come springtime. Go to your local school and ask to listen to readers as a volunteer (chatting to kids is heartwarming!).

I chat away to all kinds of people and always find the kindness of strangers wonderful. Just last week I collected a free item from Facebook marketplace, the old gal I got it from was an absolute gem! We chatted for ages, exchanged a good few messages and are going to keep in touch 😅 she’s not my best mate, but it’s lovely to just briefly connect with people.

Other people know exactly how you feel, we’ve ALL felt darkness, and we will all make you feel happier.

Ps, if someone’s a knob, more power to you - they’re earlier on in this journey than you are x

rambleonplease · 08/02/2022 20:50

@Lily2075 I know the mental health care is shocking especially right now. I work in A&E. I agree your Gp may not be able to do much other than refer you back to MH. Have you gone to A&E? We do see plenty of people who are feeling suicidal. You would at least be able to see a mental health professional and get tapped back into the services for support.

cutebutscary · 08/02/2022 20:52

I know you said what can your gp do , but if you tell them you are suicidal , it opens up referrals for instant help. I know, I've been where you are x

MsMeNz · 08/02/2022 20:52

If you don't have kids, go on a holiday to somewhere cheap and diffrent and beautiful (covid allowing I geuss)) go to Thailand backpack around, it will open you mind past the dull day to day treadmill, we all need a little wonder in our lives turn change our perspective.

It's amazing how far money goes in that part of the world. When I was depressed in my younger years I skipped university for months and went to Asia just to be and explore and hang out with random people. Saved my life. It's a tad extreme, but hey why not if you have no obligations go for it!

Featuredcreature · 08/02/2022 21:05

I agree the gp is usually useless tbh, I went for a mental health review and he basically said get a job and turfed me out. Unless you are literally not in touch with reality in any way and by default make a fuss nobody cares.

FloraPotts · 08/02/2022 21:05

I am so sorry you are feeling this way op. No advice but I just came on here to say that everyone has innate value. You are probablly far more critical of yourself than anyone else would be. You have unique characteristics. You deserve to live. Please hang in there. Flowers

AbsentmindedWoman · 08/02/2022 21:44

Can you remember a time you did not feel like this, OP?

Was there ever a time when you were a child or a teen when you enjoyed doing things?

Was there a particular point when things started to go off track, and then just became harder and harder?

Just wondering if talking about any of these things might help you find a bit of ease or calm right now - I don't mean to sound like I'm demanding info from you!

Sometimes, if you have a giant jumbled mess of hurt and shit in your head, it can be calming to discuss parts of it. It can help you see how things weren't your fault - how you did your best with the resources you had available at the time.

puddlesofmothers · 08/02/2022 21:51

I could have written your post but today I'm having a good day. But it started out as bad so I gave myself permission to do whatever it was that made me feel less hideous and here I am feeling 6/10 and I may even go as far to say I'd dodge a speeding bullet today. No one is more surprised than me that this worked today. What do you say to someone who at best wouldn't do something to prolong their life and at worst would take a pill that turns off the light? I have no clue, but when it's really really bad so bad I can taste the desperation to make it all stop I promise myself if I still feel like this later on this evening I can do it. But I never have and today I am great full. Who knows what tomorrow brings but a good day gets me through an awful lot of bad days.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 08/02/2022 22:26

Oh Lily I'm so sorry you are so damn sad.
It's terribly unfair and basically shit. If I could be there with you right now I'd say this,
You are sad because you essentially can't see any option. You are on a rollercoaster that you can't get off. The thing is, you can slow that rollercoaster down and make your ride more gentle.
I've been where you are I think, as far as I can guess. I do know that I wanted to die, and attempted to make that happen. I'm lucky because it was something I failed at.
The joy must come from small things first. Not big things.
I remember watching a sun rise and realising I would miss it.
The world is a better place with you in it.
You have all the options you just can't see them right now. But you will. I promise.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 08/02/2022 22:34

I see you and hear you @Lily2075

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 08/02/2022 22:42

@Lily2075 I'm not sure if this is totally off topic but do you have any goals?

There was a post about 'run the dishwasher three times'

It's about how you can't find the strength to start anything because it's ALL overwhelming

The dishwasher is about throwing out the conventional rules and doing 1 thing that feels like a victory. Even if it's running the dishwasher or going for a walk in your favourite outfit 'just because'

It might not help you but just in case it does go for any small victory you like, and then another etc. until you feel a little bit in control of your choices and a little bit in control of little things that make you happy. Winning at an app game? Having a pet be glad to see you. Having gotten out of the house

Just throwing random ideas about Thanks

rambleonplease · 09/02/2022 14:25

@Lily2075 how are feeling today? Have you managed to get any help?

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 09/02/2022 14:51

Hi @lily2075 how are you feeling today?

I empathise with your post so much as I feel this way too. It's so difficult isn't it?

A couple of things that help me, and sometimes I don't like to admit it, but one is exercise. Not doing things that I hate, or with any expectations of getting fit or losing weight, but just swimming or walking somewhere outside or weight lifting, just because I enjoy them.

The next thing that has helped is, my counsellor asked me if I could wave a magic wand and be living a life that was making me happy, what things would be different? And then we look at how I can work towards making those things a reality. It's not that simple, I know, but I'm just sharing the things that have helped me.

I hope today is feeling like a better day for you x

Cissyandflora · 09/02/2022 19:24

How are you feeling today op? I hope you managed to get some support.

Cabriolelegs99 · 09/02/2022 22:02

Hello op. Just dropping by to see how you are feeling tonight?

Original poster
Lily2075 · 15/02/2022 22:12

Thanks everyone. I feel just as bad as I did, worse if anything. Would love today to be my last.

OP posts:
rambleonplease · 15/02/2022 22:20

@Lily2075 well I am very glad you have come back on to let us know you're around. You really need to get some help though, as in real life help. We can advise and virtual hand hold here, but if you wish to not be here you need to get some professional help. Have you been to your GP to to A&E?

Original poster
Lily2075 · 15/02/2022 22:37

GP would only speak to me on the phone, wouldn't give me an actual appointment. And just said go back to your psychiatrist but I don't even know who that is since I was transferred.

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 15/02/2022 22:41

@Lily2075 well done for making it through a hard few days. I hope things get better for you. Thanks

Cabriolelegs99 · 15/02/2022 23:34

Lily2075 I am really sorry you are still going through such difficult times Flowers

And I am sorry that the mh services where you are are so poor and that it's so hard to access the help you need urgently.

Is there anyone you can contact to find out who your psychiatrist is? Could the GP find out on your behalf? Could you leave him or her a message and ask them to find out and get back to you?

I hope things improve for you soon. Good luck to you Flowers