I've got 4 children, 2 older teenagers (16 & 18, no problems,fantastic kids) & now a 2 yr & 1 yr old. Im married but have no other support whatsoever, my family, his family, we share the burden of the kids on our own. Husband works & im at home looking after the babies but I can't seem to cope second time round. Im so low & am starting to have suicidal thoughts. My husband gets the brunt of if, im nasty & unloving towards him then get extremely emotional. He tries to be sympathetic & kind but it's been going on for so long he now pretty much hates me & tells me how miserable im making him & the kids. He comes home so happy to see the kids & I just feel such a huge lack of effort, just numbness. I've been to the doctors, have been prescribed antidepressants & then the contraceptive pill to try & steady out my moods (seemed to coincide with period) I feel like it helped but one bad word from him, or a stressful situation & my head drops,I get dark thoughts & nothing helps. Can't help but feel guilty towards being such a shitty mum to my kids & an even worse wife. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live! I don't know how to change my mindset, I've tried all the self help I can access, it's works until the stress happens again & then im back to feeling utterly useless, worthless & unable to cope. Can anyone relate? Can anybody offer advice on what to do? CBT has a long waiting list, doctors don't really listen or seem to care,I've seen tens of different ones..it's like im another statistic of crap at their door. Makes me feel like I'm being whispered about "look at that psycho" the thought of actually harming myself makes me feel embarrassed, what if it didn't work. I'd be the suicidal freak forever. I want to feel strong & able to do anything. This is how I used to feel before I became a full time mum again