Suicidal thoughts

[smitho24]

I've got 4 children, 2 older teenagers (16 & 18, no problems,fantastic kids) & now a 2 yr & 1 yr old. Im married but have no other support whatsoever, my family, his family, we share the burden of the kids on our own. Husband works & im at home looking after the babies but I can't seem to cope second time round. Im so low & am starting to have suicidal thoughts. My husband gets the brunt of if, im nasty & unloving towards him then get extremely emotional. He tries to be sympathetic & kind but it's been going on for so long he now pretty much hates me & tells me how miserable im making him & the kids. He comes home so happy to see the kids & I just feel such a huge lack of effort, just numbness. I've been to the doctors, have been prescribed antidepressants & then the contraceptive pill to try & steady out my moods (seemed to coincide with period) I feel like it helped but one bad word from him, or a stressful situation & my head drops,I get dark thoughts & nothing helps. Can't help but feel guilty towards being such a shitty mum to my kids & an even worse wife. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live! I don't know how to change my mindset, I've tried all the self help I can access, it's works until the stress happens again & then im back to feeling utterly useless, worthless & unable to cope. Can anyone relate? Can anybody offer advice on what to do? CBT has a long waiting list, doctors don't really listen or seem to care,I've seen tens of different ones..it's like im another statistic of crap at their door. Makes me feel like I'm being whispered about "look at that psycho" the thought of actually harming myself makes me feel embarrassed, what if it didn't work. I'd be the suicidal freak forever. I want to feel strong & able to do anything. This is how I used to feel before I became a full time mum again

Have you made plans to kill yourself?

How much time do you get to yourself to do something that you enjoy or that's good for you, such as exercise?

Hugs, and don’t do it.
I wonder how old you are and if it could be the start of the menopause. Hormone levels dropping, or fluctuating, makes loads of women feel this way.
It is often mis-diagnosed as depression, when actually you need HRT.
Please ask your gp about it. It’s easy to try, and see if you feel better.
Some people take a few weeks to feel better, some within days.

I hope you can stay safe. Please reach out for immediate help if you decide to follow through with a plan. There's no easy answer, I'm sorry, as I'm sure you well know. Can you access therapy?

Sorry to hear this. Please know you are loved and needed.

If you’re really struggling, reach out to Samaritans.

Know that PND is very common and it could be this. So get a referral and get on a waiting list. Even if it’s not PND, what you’re going through is normal. You aren’t alone and mental health is important, so jump at any help you can get, and keep pushing your GP.

In terms of your relationship, a proper conversation with your partner about what you’re going through is essential. You need to be clear about your triggers and set ground rules. This is a big help.

Also acknowledge his needs and how this is impacting him. That’s just as important.

Also, well being is key. Make sure you get enough sleep, good food, help around the house, time for yourself. Hugs release oxytocin, so grab your babies for big fat hugs when you feel low.

Small steps. You will get there.
Sending hugs x

@Happenchance
I have never followed through with bad thoughts, I have children & to leave them I know would be the worst thing I could ever do, they are my world & mum guilt will always protect me from the negative voice inside my head..but I don't get anytime to myself unless I leave the house out of sheer anger & upset..I've lost count of the times Ive had to walk out, stayed in numerous hotels just to get an hour to myself & to refresh my brain!

@Marcipex Ivr just turned 40, maybe it's the menopause. I feel likes it's def linked to my periods however always seems to be around that time, I've looked into pmdd but I dunno..recently it seems to be happening a lot more than just my time of month which makes me feel like it's not linked & im just getting worse! Thank you for your kind words

@coffeeisthebest I will stay safe, o have to for the kids, it's just so hard at times

You could read the NICE guidelines on hrt and see what you think.
I keep hearing the doctors on tv saying almost everyone should have it. They said women in their forties are often mis-diagnosed with depression, but it’s their hormone levels dropping.
And of course, you are busy with your family as well.
It’s just something you could look into, and it might be what you need.

@Snorkello your reply has honestly helped, i talk to my husband constantly but by his own admission,he is very much the alpha male type man & is a very forgetful one! But reminding me of how he must be suffering to has made me think, Ive never really thought about the impact on him, I just seem to get more & more annoyed & angry at him which in turn makes him very defensive & not very understanding!

Doctors have diagnosed me with pnd, I'm not sure if it's this, I've always been prone to low moods throughout my life, they have just become darker since the youngest babies came along.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I think voicing my fears to an unknown, un judgemental audience has given me a bit of a release to my inner turmoil.. having no support from my mum & living with 5 males has isolated me & made things so much worse!
It's just so hard being a mum, a female, a woman in general!!! I hate my hormones & I just wish I could feel happy & normal, it's silent torture!

@Marcipex I will take a look now, thank you for the advice. I'll try anything to make it stop

&smitho24 I've come out the other side. I'm not ecstatic or thrilled about myself but I don't think about ending my existence.

The truth is, looking after small children is very boring and very lonely. It was kind of an endurance test for me, as much as I loved them.

Looking back, Things that got me through:

Going out twice a week to a toddler group. I didn't make any friends but at least people weren't hostile. I got teeny tiny breaks (of 5 minutes) when they were on baby a slide or something.

Afterwards I'd go for a drive & pull over as soon as they fell asleep. I savoured that 30-45 minutes. Often had a drive-through coffee.

The thought of one day being a "real" person Again. That this wasn't it, forever.

A walk outside everyday in daylight. Even if it's raining.

It seems cliched but meditation absolutely definitely helps. It just soMehow clears the head, & makes you realise that we're part of a much bigger picture.

You won't always feel like this.

Do you eat properly?
Get outside in the air everyday?
Get some sleep?

@FellaItzgerald I eat really well, force myself to go out everyday & get plenty of sleep!
I have friends, I have friends with babies, I go to groups, I talk to my friends & they're very sympathetic but I'm still incredibly lonely.
I don't understand why I feel like this, my life could be so much worse, I have a good life but I'm still so low! I just don't get it. My husband keeps telling me to just be happy..I try so hard but my head won't let me. I'm so frustrated with myself

Hi, just wanted to say that I don't really have much advice to help apart from to speak with a health visitor about your struggles if the GP isn't much help - they can put you in touch with a family support worker who could lessen your burden. Just wanted you to know that you should stay strong as there are people who love and care for you and it really is worth it

Can I offer a different angle?

It sounds like you've trying to keep contact with and protect the thread of who you are. I find myself wondering what makes (or has made) you light up?

Nearing the menopause with teenagers and toddlers and a marriage in midlife?...none of this is easy. I know I used to have a very specific suicidal fantasy in a situation that wasn't quite the same as yours, but a bit similar.

You mentioned CBT and perhaps this would be helpful. I wonder if there are other forms of therapy, that might help you re-connect with yourself? It sounds like you need someone to listen and listen some more to who you are.

I'd add that the Samaritans are always there. It doesn't have to be the darkest time to call them and talk things over, get ideas and a sense of someone rooting for you.

Im so glad this helped. As long as you’re safe, that’s all that matters right now.

I don’t think I had PND either, but got very low and really emotional after all of mine. Gets worse with age and many of my friends have felt the same.

Suicidal thoughts are just your anxieties talking. But it won’t get better overnight. Keep talking to your partner. This was a huge step, so well done on opening up.

Sounds like walking and diet are good. So next step is timeout.

I am rubbish at meditation, but I think the suggestions here would help. Just take time out. Can you go for a run, walk, cycle or swim on your own at the weekend? My OH always encourages me to go do something for myself when I start getting irritable or low. Definitely helps.

Get up early or stay up a bit later and read. Get a book on the go. ‘Eleanor oliphant is just fine’, ‘American dirt’ are good reads. Give it a go. It’s good for the soul.

Play music. A lot. Then sing and dance whilst you cook, play with the kids. Anytime you remember. Huge mood boosters.

Lastly, make a plan for something to look forward to. A holiday, a weekend away, dinner out.

Again, one step at a time. Know it’s normal, know you are loved x

Hello @smitho24 - we are so sorry you've been feeling this way. You're getting some excellent advice here from other posters but please do consider seeking some more real-life support too.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Best wishes from MNHQ

Please seek therapy OP. Do it for yourself and your family. There is something about being able to voice the thoughts to someone who is listening unconditionally that is so powerful. It is too much to expect your partner to support you with all your suicidal thoughts. Please seek professional help.

Hello.

My name is Rudo. I am a nurse and single mother to three children ages 11, 10 and 3.

I have struggled with my mental health for years mainly because I always struggled with the feeling of abandonment due to being left in each pregnancy. And also as I never truly felt a sense of purpose, meaning or direction in life. I struggled to create any feelings of happiness. Eventually I did try and end my life and I was hospitalised.

The day after I left hospital
I started to write my book. It is a book to help others who feel lost and who struggle with mental health. This book helped to heal me and I feel it can help others heal too 💛

You are not alone 💛

www.amazon.com/Words-Lost-Soul-Rudo-Savage/dp/166559621X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=16S0MWZ6ANIQN&keywords=the+words+of+the+lost+soul+rudo+savage&sprefix=the+words+of+the+lost+soul+rudo+savage%2Caps%2C125&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1644149112&sr=8-1

I can't thank each & everyone one of you enough for not only taking the time to read my post but for reaching out to me. Maybe it's talking to strangers,I guess it takes away some of the shame & embarrassment but I feel better than I have in a long time..I've just had 3 good,balanced & happy days with my family, it's been a while since that happened & I genuinely felt like a little of my heavy weight was lifted whilst reading everyone's responses. I've taken on board all advice & am in the process of making small but positive changes to alter my outlook. Thank you again for your kindness..wish me luck x