I don't get it ..

[Whatthefrigisthis]

I don't understand.

Okay so my mental health isn't great at all by any stretch: can't work at the moment, just started intensive therapy, dosed up on meds and generally am a mess.

Intense anxiety disorder . Clinical depression and other diagnoses as well.

Why do I keep thinking I don't deserve help. I am deserving of this pain. Of this absolute torture.

My sleep is appalling. I eat like a bird and I am incredibly fragile at the moment to anything and everyone it seems.

I have children. Beautiful children. And I love them with all my heart

So why oh why do I keep having thoughts of suicidal ideation. I've no plans or anything like that but fuck me it's intense.

Is this normal? Anyone out there for a hand hold and advise please?

Oh that sounds awful. Sending hugs. You do deserve the help and your children need you to be well as well (although I know the guilt that can’t help either, I don’t want you to worry about that.). The only way to get better for them is to have the help.
Having suicidal thoughts is horrible and it isn’t your fault. It is the depression making you feel that way. I know when I had them I felt like a burden, like it was better for everyone if I wasn’t there. It is so hard to change those thoughts and it seems like they won’t go but with help, they can. It is only with help though, I promise. I thought I could deal with it on my own, I couldn’t!
You say you aren’t sleeping, having some sleep will help in the short term. Have you been given anything to help you sleep at all? Living on no sleep really doesn’t help matters.

Because you’re not well.
It’s shit. But you can get better. Take the pills. CBT helped me too. Try and get outside each day and take some exercise. Even a walk.

Thank you for your replies.

My goodness it's hard.

I am really really trying but finding it so difficult I keep thinking about a way to make it look ' accidental' to hurt myself but then the rational part of me taps me on the shoulder, and tells me to get a grip.

I feel so sad. So lonely . And so very very unhappy.

It's absolutely horrible. Thank you for your kindness. 💕

I hide under my covers all day. In bed .
It's become a way of
Life

I was exactly like that.
Then I aimed to get up and have a shower.
Then to make and eat lunch.
Gradually adding more.

@Wolfiefan

I was exactly like that. Then I aimed to get up and have a shower. Then to make and eat lunch. Gradually adding more.

Oh it's shit isn't it. I am really sorry that you felt this way too.

Can I ask how you feel now? Does the feeling go aware?

I feel fine. Completely different.
I still take medication. I still practice things I learnt in CBT.
But I’ve gone from staying buried in bed to being busy and happy.
But it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

I have mild polar roughly one bad week a year, and hormonal depression, a big pain alone, meds sort it.
Havin brain to eye problems , physically eyes well. Physiatrist need s to sort, more meds.
You have to fight, get help, and meds review, it’s just part of who you are

It's just horrendous.

I don't deserve to be better it feels .

My word . It's horrible.

I am thinking about so much.

😫😫😫😫

Would you say that if you had flu?
Because that's the reality of it. How you are feeling now is part of your illness. You might not be able to recognise that now, but when you can it will be helpful to you.

You are feeling all those things because they are the symptoms of your illness. Write yourself a post-it and put it somewhere you'll keep seeing it. You are not how you're feeling. Your illness is.

Thank you all for your kindness 💕
It means so much.

My work have referred me to occupational health which my GP assured me is okay but they are concerned I cannot deal with that right now as well. On top of everything else.

I feel so bad for feeling this way. For feeling so unwell . And it's not getting better.

It will. It takes time. Don’t feel bad for being unwell. It’s not something you’ve chosen. You deserve to be well. You deserve to be happy.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.