Anhedonia - unable to enjoy anything

[Notgettingbetter]

Anyone else suffer with this? I've had depression for nearly a year now. I'm possibly seeing some slow improvement but I'm still not getting any enjoyment out of my days. This depression has included a lot of very heavy existential distress - everything feels utterly pointless, especially when I can't enjoy anything. I keep doing things anyway - I spend time on my hobbies and socialising with people I care about, but it all feels so... hollow. I don't kill myself because of my dd, but every night I hope I won't wake up the next day.

I haven’t enjoyed anything for years. It all feels so pointless.

I was suicidal in the past. Im not suicidal any longer but I don’t enjoy anything. I’ve been on AD for nearly 15 years.

DC is now an older teen and no longer needs me. When younger we at least all used to go places and have family days out for DC’s benefit. I liked seeing DC happy doing activities and enjoying the day out but I no longer socialise or go anywhere. I have no interest in doing anything.

It’s good you are continuing to socialise and do your hobbies. I hope things improve for you soon and that you are receiving some counselling/ medication to help.

Hello, I just wanted to say I hear you and I'm really sorry you've been so low. I can empathise with feeling unable to enjoy things and it's a horrible feeling. Have you seen a GP about the depression/are you taking any medication? Please consider calling Samaritans if you feel you don't want to wake up - they will listen without judgement. Some people find mindfulness helpful, so that might be something else to consider - you could look at mbct.co.uk/
Hang in there, sending good thoughts and a hug.

I didn't know it had a name, but yes. I try to tell myself a lot of people are like this at the moment - the world is not feeling good - but to be honest, I'm just waiting until no-one needs me anymore and then I will think about how to leave. Counselling sorts of helps, but it's so hard to explain. There is literally no point in life.

@LifeOfAnxiety I'm sorry you've been suffering for such a long time. I'm sure your child still needs you just in a different way. I'm taking antidepressants and I think I've seen a little improvement - I'm not as tearful and desperate as I was a few months ago.

@jojolondon81 thank you. I do call the Samaritans occasionally. It's good when you get a listener you click with. I have done a mindfulness course in the past - it mostly made me realise it's something I do anyway, before I knew what it was.

@ninnynonny I too feel like I'm waiting until I'm not needed by anyone. Could be quite some time. Meanwhile I keep trying to get better and maybe somewhere along the line I might find I want to live for myself, too.

Do you have any unresolved issues from your past, or ones you think are resolved? I was "going through the motions" for decades. I eventually ended up having meds, EMDR & trauma/compassion thererapy via a circuitous route for something in my childhood & it has made things much better.

I had it. I've had all kinds of depression over the course of my life but this one scared me the most. Like you, the one thing that kept me going was DC and I lived in genuine terror of waking up one morning to discover that I felt indifferent about them too. Luckily that didn;t happen.

I found an odd cure for it. May not work for you but worked for me and has worked for other MN-ers I told about it.

It's quite simple: Do something you have never done before in your life every single day and record how it went in a diary or private blog.

You can start small. Try a new veg or fruit, explore a nearby street, order a different coffee from a different cafe etc. It's important to keep a brief record. Can just be: 'tried a pumpkin latte today. too sweet. Not for me.' Or it can be more detailed, especially if it is something that made an impact on you.

Try to include things that get you out of your comfort zone. Things that scare or embarrass you a little bit, or that you think are stupid or silly or childish.

I think it works because our brains have to find new neural pathways to process this sudden influx of unfamiliar activity and it stops us from using the same old neural ruts we've got into. But it also stops us from living in a rut. It reminds us that there's a lot out here in the world to appreciate and experience and try and enjoy.

I got inspiration from online bucket lists and comfort zone lists and also write my own bucket list of stuff I'd always wanted to do, maybe from childhood to now.

It's important not to hope it will make you feel better. Just do it and record it. I found after about six weeks I was taking an active interest in the project and after three months I woke up happy, really happy, and have stayed happy more often than not ever since.

If you want to try this and want some links to online resources to get you started, let me know and I'll share some.

@ninnynonny

I didn't know it had a name, but yes. I try to tell myself a lot of people are like this at the moment - the world is not feeling good - but to be honest, I'm just waiting until no-one needs me anymore and then I will think about how to leave. Counselling sorts of helps, but it's so hard to explain. There is literally no point in life.

The thing with that 'waiting until I'm not needed any more' feeling (which I recognise) is that you are likely to be needed for a very long time. DC need you. They'll still need you when they are young adults, or when they have DC of their own. Your own ailing parents might need you, your DP might need you. We will be needed. So while we are needed for decades on end, we may as well make a project out of learning how to feeling happier more often.

I have 2 adult children and one nearly adult child, and I have grandchildren - but all the two youngest dc seem to want is money. DH is amazing but he would be ok, I know he would.
It's not that I actively want to die, it's just, what is the point! I honestly thought everyone felt like this when I was younger and everyone is waiting for the right time to die. My late mother was always threatening suicide (along with a myriad of other toxic things) so I guess i grew up thinking it was ok

@HauntedDishcloth I've had a fair bit of trauma in my past but I've also had a lot of counselling and therapy. I was seeing a really good counsellor last year but before long we just ran out of things to talk about. My main issue at the moment is that I just don't want to have to do any of the hard bits of parenting. I think I'm actually quite selfish and lazy. I just want to do my own thing but still be loved by my DD. I'm possibly being a bit hard on myself - I'm just exhausted from the past few years. Pregnancy was hard - I was sick throughout and later walking was incredibly painful and difficult, the birth was horrible, DD was really hard work as a baby and we had nobody who could help out. She had colic and cried for hours and hours every day. She also barely slept and still doesn't sleep through at four years old. She's high energy and very extroverted - opposite of me in those regards. When she was a few months old a lovely friend of mine was murdered... That's something I will never get over. Gradually things improved and I was a lot better when my daughter was two years old but then Covid came along. The lockdowns were really stressful for me. Anyway, yes I've been through a lot (including an abusive childhood) but I'm sick of talking about it. I know myself inside out, the patterns I fall into, ways to challenge them... Ultimately I don't think I'm fit to be a parent really. I'm a good parent despite it all but I really want to be like so many men - leave my family and just see my child once a week when I can be a wonderful person for her for a few hours then bugger off to do my own thing again. But of course I'd miss her... And I know if I'd never had a child I'd be very sad about that. I'm broken, patched together just enough to keep stumbling on but not enough to make the most of my life.

@hivemindneeded thank you for the tip. I do feel like I could do with a change, something new. We've been looking for a house to buy - we've never owned our own place. I would love to have something big like that to focus on but there's barely anything suitable on the market right now. I will try to think of some small, new things to try.

@ninnynonny I'm sorry for what you went through as a child with your mother expressing suicidal wishes. I know what you mean about thinking that everyone struggles with this feeling of what's the point. Growing up, I thought everyone found life hard, and somehow other people were stronger than me, that they coped better. I've since realised that a lot of it is just luck - some people are born to mentally healthy parents, and have good childhoods, some people, like us, have traumatic childhoods and grow up with a lot more to cope with.

@Notgettingbetter it’s good you aren’t as tearful and desperate as you were. It could be that, now you’ve been taking AD a while, an increase in dose would be beneficial to help you feel that bit better. I have had periods where things have improved a little before evening out to the same old feeling but I’ve been through a fair few different AD. Do you get enough help with DD? I too had one that didn’t sleep (ADHD/ASD) and it’s amazing the (awful) effect exhaustion has on a person!

@hivemindneeded that sounds amazing that it worked so well for you. I would definitely like to give it a go. If you get a chance I would appreciate some links. Thanks.

@LifeOfAnxiety I'm currently taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. Mirtazapine dose was increased recently - I do think it was too low before. I used to take sertraline and had several increases in dosage before reaching the maximum still with no effect. My partner, DD's dad is great - he's been dealing with most of her wakings lately, but he's knackered too.

[quote Notgettingbetter]@ninnynonny I'm sorry for what you went through as a child with your mother expressing suicidal wishes. I know what you mean about thinking that everyone struggles with this feeling of what's the point. Growing up, I thought everyone found life hard, and somehow other people were stronger than me, that they coped better. I've since realised that a lot of it is just luck - some people are born to mentally healthy parents, and have good childhoods, some people, like us, have traumatic childhoods and grow up with a lot more to cope with.[/quote]
Thank you. There was tons more, but I always felt that life was meant to be a burden. You sound like you've been through a huge amount too. It's hard to be mentally well when things just don't seem to encourage it isn't it?!
I'm on Venlafaxine too. I've pretty much been on it for around 20 years now. It's the only thing that seems to work, but I do sometimes worry about the long term effects.

Throughout childhood and adolescence I told myself to just hang on until I could leave home and start my life. And I did, but I never imagined I'd be even more miserable now, in my 40s. At least back then I had hope and something to look forward to.

@Notgettingbetter

Throughout childhood and adolescence I told myself to just hang on until I could leave home and start my life. And I did, but I never imagined I'd be even more miserable now, in my 40s. At least back then I had hope and something to look forward to.

I felt similar to this. First it was getting through school, then uni, then getting a job, then a house, then having a child. I always thought there would be a stage where I was bound to feel "normal". I even emigrated for a few years. I eventually ran out of things to try!

And I also had a suicidal bipolar mother. Sounds like we could form some sort of depressing club.

Thanks for your thoughtless, unhelpful comment 🤬

@ufucoffee of course I don't like the idea of leaving my child motherless but at least if I died through no fault of my own I would be out of my misery and she wouldn't have to ever know I was suicidal. You want to try walking in my shoes for even 3 yards? Do you know what it is to suffer severe depression for months and months - and I'm talking about constant emotional distress, not numbness. Do you know what it's like to do all the right things including medication, therapy, exercise, to keep socialising, to keep parenting, even when you haven't had a decent night's sleep for more than four years? Do you know what it's like to have a dear friend beaten to death by a stranger??? Fuck off.

@Notgettingbetter

Throughout childhood and adolescence I told myself to just hang on until I could leave home and start my life. And I did, but I never imagined I'd be even more miserable now, in my 40s. At least back then I had hope and something to look forward to.

But you really still can. Forties is young. It's half way through life. I think it's important to use the anhedonia to really reassess life. What do you hate or stresses you that you have power to change? What bores you that you could rejig to make it more enjoyable? What have you always wanted to do, even in childhood, that you have never tried doing?

I do also believe in making life a tiny bit more pleasant in tiny ways day by day, e.g. if you are cleaning the house, put on your favourite upbeat music, loudly. When you wake up, make a seriously good cup of coffee for yourself with frothed milk, chuck some seed out for the birds and watch the sunrise, drinking your coffee, watching the birds while your favourite music plays etc.

Do tiny uplifts - watch a comedy sketch or live music video on Youtube. Or do a 5 minute meditation, yoga class or affirmation session online. Or watch a Ted talk. Small things that don't always work but might. (Not saying all these things will help you. I know some people hate affirmations etc and feel worse after them. but that sort of 5-minute pick-you-up is worth exploring. I keep a Youtube playlist of stuff that helps.)

I experienced this for several years after my sibling died (suddenly, horribly and very young). I don't generally suffer from depression but it was like life was very grey, no happiness, I just kept going for my children. I'm doing really well now, counselling helped but also time does make it easier to live with grief like that and having the space to grieve and remember them. I don't know if you've had counselling but I would really recommend it.

I've been feeling like this for the past year. I've been medicated for depression for 24 years and am currently on the waiting list for an ADHD diagnosis. Everything is boring / too much effort and the only things that keep me going are my kids.

Sorry OP. It was thoughtless of me and harsh. Apologies.