How to be more zen and let things go?

[Anewnameagainandwhynot]

Sorry, this is long but I need to rant.
I have a problem. My memory is really good. I remember every horrible thing that has ever happened to me, and the injustice of it all rankles. I’m autistic, which maybe contributes to how I feel, but I have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and when I’m wronged by someone I’m unable to let it go. I dwell on things from 10 years ago, 30 years ago etc etc and have conversations with the wrongdoer in my head where I get to say my piece.
Sometimes it feels as though all this cumulative injustice (just through being alive) is going to make my head burst. I want to be one of those people who can just let things go. How do I do that without paying for a lot of therapy? (I can’t afford to pay for a lot of therapy!)

Here’s an example. A couple of months ago I was in my front garden weeding and a large loose dog broke into my garden and attacked my dog which was with me. It was a savage attack which I directly witnessed. My dog was so badly injured that he nearly died and the vet bills were more than £2k (no insurance). As a result I’m still paying them off and could not buy my family any Christmas presents this year.
The dog owner told me it was my own fault because my dog barked at hers prior to the attack. Her and her husband were really aggressive with me, as I was trying to rescue my dog, and she threatened to hit me. It was really scary.
The police couldn’t do anything apparently because the dog didn’t attack me, so I reported it to the dog warden. Today I got a letter from the warden saying that even though I’d given evidence from the vet, and my neighbour witnessed the dog running into my garden, and the woman herself had admitted that she had been there with the dog, that they can’t do anything because the woman has magicked up a team of ‘witnesses’ who state that her dog didn’t attack, and it must have been a fox that injured my dog when I wasn’t looking.

I’m so angry that they are getting away with it. I know that I will always be angry. They have several expensive cars parked outside their house, and I’m stuck with the huge bills. I want to put a brick though their window and slash their tyres to inconvenience them and upset them and cost them some money - but I would never do something like that. So once again, I’m left with a feeling of injustice, and it’s eating away at me.

So my question is, how do I put this and all the other bad things out of my mind? My partner never holds grudges, he just instantly forgets things, and I want to be like that too. Is it a learnable skill?

Try yoga?
It encourages being present.
Tbh I didn’t think it’d have that big an impact but I feel much more zen and calm since starting a 30 day course!

Do you think your do under reacts? Or genuinely lets things go?

I’d examine your belief that life is fair.

Life isn’t fair, it really isn’t. Shit happens, you somehow have to accept that fact

Well I think I’m your example a lot of people would find that hard to let go of. That’s a pretty awful thing to happen.

I suppose you need to think about how much damage you’re causing yourself by holding onto grudges. I would say most of the time the people who wrong you really aren’t giving you a second thought so the grudge really only hurts you.

@hamstersarse
Don’t worry - I’m under no illusion that life is fair! This thread is about me being unable to let things go, and ‘accept that fact’, which is why I’m asking for help. I don’t know how to accept that fact.

It’s a lot more energy to hold onto a grudge and let things go.

Some things are harder to let go but maybe then it’s about acceptance.

My partner really does just forget about things. He doesn’t get het up about things in the first place, or they just drift away after a quick rant and he moves on.
I understand that I’m not doing myself any favours by ruminating on these things, but they keep coming back to haunt me.
I just think that there must be some kind of learned technique to this. I’ve done a lot of yoga but it has never helped me with this problem.

PPs saying don’t hold onto a grudge - but how? How do you decide to let something go? And make that actually happen?

Have a look at acceptance and commitment therapy - The Happiness Trap is a good book to start with and i found it really helpful.

I'm really sorry about what happened to your dog, it sounds absolutely horrific.

I had therapy to deal with some life changing stuff.

One therapist in particular was great at visualisation. She picked up a cushion (that was my issue) then she kicked the cushion away.
I used that technique for awhile and it did help.

I'm good at letting go.

I guess for me I have the mindset - people are going through terrible shit every day, things too awful to post. I have to keep perspective. It's more damaging to me to hold on to negative feelings and let them continue to impact me.

It's vile what happened to your dog. She sounds like a horrible woman. But it's over.

If you were on your death bed would you want to hold all these negative things?

I don't know how you learn a mindset shift but maybe something like yoga or mindfulness could help you reposition it all?

@tropicalsound
Thank you, I’ll look at that book.
I think my autism means I have to learn rules and techniques for stuff like this.

Please read the book ' F*k it the ultimate spiritual way' by John C Parkin. I found it really helpful. Also 'Reality Transurfing' by Vadim Zeland and focus on the chapters about reducing importance. Both books have really changed my thinking and I can now let go of everything.
Sending empathy for the awful situation you have been through and hope your lovely dog is soon brought back to healing with all of your kindness and love.

That sounds really traumatic. I hope your poor pup is okay (and you!).

Mindfulness would be the most obvious solution for me as you focus on the here and now. In practice it is hard to do it properly without being shown (the mindfulness colouring books for example would be a waste of time imo) but YouTube might be useful?

Have you ever used the headspace app? I use it when I need to ‘hit pause’.

Op for a long time I couldn’t let go of what happened and it had far reaching consequences for my mental health.
Eventually (maybe a decade later) I am almost there. I don’t ruminate anymore (cushion).
As soon as I started re living it I would attempt to distract myself.
Could you start with letting go of small stuff? Practise a technique to help you.

I used this as well.

www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping

Eckhart Tolle

YouTube.

Has helped me to center my thought patterns.

Thank you all for kind thoughts about my dog. He is mostly better, though very anxious now, which is sad to see.

@Rummikub
I was thinking about eft but I’ve heard mixed reports. Did you have it with a practitioner, or self-administered?

Radical Acceptance? Worth a Google.

Self administered

I did it several times a day at the beginning!
The repetitive movement helped soothe i think.

Try it. Add other techniques too. Different things will work at different times. Unfortunately there’s no quick fix- begin with a small first step. (Third step now I think for you)

You have nothing to lose by trying it. A bit of time that’s it.

I remember every horrible thing that has ever happened to me

Do you remember every wonderful, exciting, happy, positive and amazing thing that has happened to you as well? That's a good way of being able to let go of the bad stuff.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your dog. If I'm honest I think a lot of people would find it hard to let go of that incident. As a PP said it is a traumatic incident!

I've just started looking into meditation and mindfulness to help keep me in the here and now. There's lots of exercises on apps and YouTube.

I like PP tip with the cushion. There is also imagining your thoughts as clouds in the sky and watching them blow away.

I think you need to distinguish between genuinely traumatising events like the attack on your dog which are difficult to stop remembering, and would be difficult for anyone and 'wrongs' and 'grudges' from many years ago, which sound more as though they make you aggrieved rather than upset.

Think about what exactly it is that is most upsetting you about the dog attack -- the fact that your dog was badly injured or the fact that you feel the dog's owner got away with it?