How to be more zen and let things go?

[Anewnameagainandwhynot]

Sorry, this is long but I need to rant.
I have a problem. My memory is really good. I remember every horrible thing that has ever happened to me, and the injustice of it all rankles. I’m autistic, which maybe contributes to how I feel, but I have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and when I’m wronged by someone I’m unable to let it go. I dwell on things from 10 years ago, 30 years ago etc etc and have conversations with the wrongdoer in my head where I get to say my piece.
Sometimes it feels as though all this cumulative injustice (just through being alive) is going to make my head burst. I want to be one of those people who can just let things go. How do I do that without paying for a lot of therapy? (I can’t afford to pay for a lot of therapy!)

Here’s an example. A couple of months ago I was in my front garden weeding and a large loose dog broke into my garden and attacked my dog which was with me. It was a savage attack which I directly witnessed. My dog was so badly injured that he nearly died and the vet bills were more than £2k (no insurance). As a result I’m still paying them off and could not buy my family any Christmas presents this year.
The dog owner told me it was my own fault because my dog barked at hers prior to the attack. Her and her husband were really aggressive with me, as I was trying to rescue my dog, and she threatened to hit me. It was really scary.
The police couldn’t do anything apparently because the dog didn’t attack me, so I reported it to the dog warden. Today I got a letter from the warden saying that even though I’d given evidence from the vet, and my neighbour witnessed the dog running into my garden, and the woman herself had admitted that she had been there with the dog, that they can’t do anything because the woman has magicked up a team of ‘witnesses’ who state that her dog didn’t attack, and it must have been a fox that injured my dog when I wasn’t looking.

I’m so angry that they are getting away with it. I know that I will always be angry. They have several expensive cars parked outside their house, and I’m stuck with the huge bills. I want to put a brick though their window and slash their tyres to inconvenience them and upset them and cost them some money - but I would never do something like that. So once again, I’m left with a feeling of injustice, and it’s eating away at me.

So my question is, how do I put this and all the other bad things out of my mind? My partner never holds grudges, he just instantly forgets things, and I want to be like that too. Is it a learnable skill?

I do this too OP. My first school report says “Worry has a strong sense of justice” which was a polite way of saying that even at 5 years old I was dwelling on things that weren’t “fair” and driving myself mad. Even last night when I couldn’t sleep I was dwelling on a note a stranger left on my windscreen one Boxing Day when I left my dog in the car for no more than five mins when I dropped something off. Someone gave me their car park ticket so I guess it looked like I’d been there for two hours but I hadn’t, and someone left a note on the windscreen saying they’d called the police, that I didn’t deserve to have such a lovely dog (who has no problem being left alone and never barks so god knows what made this person look in my boot in the first place!) and that I was going to rot in hell basically. Husband just threw it away and got over it, 8 years later I’m up at 3am going over what I’d say to that person if I had the chance 😂

I got CBT in the end. Not just for this, for other intrusive unhelpful thoughts as well. Despite last night’s silliness (I blame pregnancy insomnia) I am a LOT better at letting stuff go now, but I have to work through the logic I learned in CBT to get there - it wasn’t as simple as “letting go” for me, I’m too anxious in general.

I’m so sorry to read about what happened with your dog, how traumatic for both of you.

Thank you all. I agree that the dog incident was perhaps an extreme example - it just happened yesterday (the letter telling me they would get away with it) so it inspired me to write this thread because it just felt like the latest instalment of c*ts being c*ts while I pick up the bill. I feel that, because I can’t settle the score, there’s an imbalance, and the world is so unjust that eventually the cumulative effect of all these injustices, big and small, is overwhelming. So I need to find a way to let some of it go.
I do remember all the lovely things that happen to me as well, but they don’t occupy my brain in the same way.
Obviously the most upsetting thing about the dog attack was seeing my dog in pain, and not knowing whether he would survive. But now that immediate trauma is over, I feel really strongly that the dog owners should be inconvenienced and upset and left out of pocket, just like I have been. I would have settled for a strongly worded letter from the dog warden - but they won’t even get that. I fully realise that life isn’t fair and the scales don’t balance and it would be childish to expect that. So instead I need to find a way to make peace with the injustice.

Well, are there ways to take it further? I believe that you could claim to have felt in threat of being attacked by her dog when you were trying to rescue your own, for instance?

In general, though CBT helps with intrusive thoughts of any kind.

To be honest I think your feelings are totally justified, normal and ok in the example you give. And I'm sure they are in all the other things that have upset you too. It's ok to be angry about things, you don't have to "zen them away".

The question is how to express your anger in a way that doesn't harm you or others. Personally I find talking about things with someone and a lot of exercise help. A good punch bag is helpful!

You mention playing out the scenarios in your head and having your say. There is a type of therapy called chair therapy (I'm sure it has an official fancy name!) where you can act out your responses. Would something like this help you?

I hope your dog is ok now

That is absolutely awful and she is obviously a woman with no conscience or morals.

We had a similar situation a while back (though thankfully no one or any pets were hurt), my partner was really outraged and I shrugged it off, I felt that if that’s how they are choosing to live their life that’s their problem. If they can sleep at night knowing they’ve wronged someone then I pity them I really do. And I’d also like to believe that deep down it will gnaw away at them. Of course, it might not and Yes we have suffered because of their actions but I’d still rather be me than them in this situation. I have a clear conscience and I have been in similar situations where I have had to pay up and have chosen not to wriggle out of it because I consider myself an ethical person. They can’t say the same.

At the same time though, I’d be tempted to approach a solicitor for advice on whether the costs could be claimed - would her witnesses stand up in court? And local dog owners should really be warned if her dog is likely to attack again.