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Original poster

I need to have a whinge

41 replies

Debroglie · 12/01/2022 18:34

My anxiety is horrific today and I have no idea what to do about it. I tried going for a walk earlier but it didn’t help.
I’m so sick of living in absolute misery like this. I wish I’d never had dc because I have to stay alive for them but I really really don’t want to.
I’m sitting in my downstairs loo because it’s the only place I can without being constantly irritated by my family (except now dh is trying the door so even here isn’t perfect). Sometimes I sleep on the floor in here so I can be on my own. I’m a professional woman in her 40s sleeping in a downstairs loo. What a fucking shitshow! I was at uni for 8 years and now I don’t even sleep in a bed! So much for working hard building a comfortable life.
I hate every single aspect of my life. I have been trying to accept that I will never be happy about my life in the hope that some acceptance of my situation might help with the anxiety. It’s not working.
I took 6 months off my antidepressants to see if that helped and actually my anxiety did get better but the depression got worse. I prefer being depressed to being anxious but my family prefer the anxious me because I am better at serving their needs than when I am depressed.
I really need to find a way to accept things as they are and not be so pissed off about it all. I’m so angry all the time and I would love to just take a baseball bat and smash up my house and car and garden to try and release the frustration. I can’t even have a good cry with upsetting the dc and then I feel even worse for making them suffer.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 12/01/2022 18:43

I hate every single aspect of my life

That's a bid statement. Is it possible to break it down;

Work
Home
Relationship
Family
You

It might help people to help you on here.

Sarahlou63 · 12/01/2022 18:44

big, not bid.

Wolfiefan · 12/01/2022 18:47

First you need to go back to the GP. Not all medication is the same and it can take a while to get the right one. Also there are other things available like CBT.

Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 18:50

I think tonight I might bring some sofa cushions to the shower cubical to make a cosy little nest for myself. Better than the crappy fake wood floor.
It’s not just a loo you see it’s a shower room. Our neighbour once commented on how jealous he was because if you came back from a run all sweaty and muddy you could step straight from the front door into the shower. I’ve never done that. Because I can’t run. We had it put in because dh insisted that a family of four couldn’t possibly manage with only one loo. He’s led a much more privileged life then I have. I think 1 loo between 4 is plenty.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 18:58

Work- hate it. Boss is a bully. Find it very stressful.
Home- don’t have a proper bed (eithe ds top bunk it bathroom floor) rubbish little village. Nice garden though. I don’t completely hate having outside space.
Relationship- none really. I am married but we have nothing to do with each other except tgee we logistics of the dc.
Family- 2 very nice but demanding dc (they’re young so hard work but no more so than any other small dc)
Me- I hate myself the most (clearly this is the real issue!) fat, old ugly stupid embarrassing awkward lazy.

Tried lots of different medication. Some particularly bad and resulted in suicide attempts so bit scared to play around too much.
Tried to get cbt but have given up because it’s too hard.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 18:59

Thing is I don’t want help to change any of my situation. I just want to stop caring about it. To be all zen about the shitness iyswim

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/01/2022 18:59

I've been feeling very anxious and depressed today too. Not sure why really but the boris party stuff set me off as my dad died that year. Anyway enough about me just not sure if it helps. I think it's a January thing. So how you feeling now?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/01/2022 19:01

You say you don't want to do anything about it but you can't be zen without a proper nights sleep. Why don't you have a bed?

SandysMam · 12/01/2022 19:02

Op you sound really unwell. The nesting in the shower cubicle demonstrates that this is beyond depression and anxiety now. I think you are in crises and need urgent help. I am well aware the help isn’t always available though but if you can, call the doctor tomorrow or 999 tonight if you need to.

Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:06

I can’t share with dh because I twitch a lot in my sleep and it disturbs him. We don’t have a spare room so there’s no where else for me. I wouldn’t get a full nights sleep anyway because ds doesn’t sleep through very often. Plus I have panic attacks most nights.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:07

teaandtoast I’m sorry to hear your feeling rubbish too. It’s a really difficult time for a lot of people isn’t it?

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:08

I’m not in any danger so no need for doctor. Just really distressed but mental health services don’t seem to have the capacity to treat distress. Only danger.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:11

Dh says it’s inhumane that I sleep in the bathroom but there isn’t another option available to me! I’d love a nice cosy soft mattress. I was thinking about booking myself a night in a hotel just for the joy of a bed.

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babysleephelp · 12/01/2022 19:13

@Debroglie

Dh says it’s inhumane that I sleep in the bathroom but there isn’t another option available to me! I’d love a nice cosy soft mattress. I was thinking about booking myself a night in a hotel just for the joy of a bed.
I think you should do that. Don't underestimate the misery that sleep deprivation brings. Thanks
Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:15

Oh I don’t think I’d sleep much! I’m pretty sure the anxiety would join me for my night away. My back might not hurt as much though.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:17

Bless you babysleephelp just noticed your username.
Yes sleep deprivation is awful and far far worse when it’s caused by a waking baby IMO.

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babysleephelp · 12/01/2022 19:22

@Debroglie

Oh I don’t think I’d sleep much! I’m pretty sure the anxiety would join me for my night away. My back might not hurt as much though.
Sorry to hear that 😢 wish I could help more. My mum has generalised anxiety disorder which is crippling when she isn't on medication. So have witnessed what you are going though even if I don't have personal experience. I understand also why you don't want to mess around with medication. However, when my mum eventually found what worked for her it was a transformation. Sending strength and love
SaigonSaigon · 12/01/2022 19:24

A think a good start would be a hotel for a night. Why not. Or talk to your husband about you having the bed on your own for a bit? Surely there's a sofa he can sleep on? Sleep deprivation is utterly debilitating.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. I sympathise.

Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:30

I’m not going to do the hotel. I wouldn’t actually sleep. I’d be out of my mind with anxiety- just thinking about it is giving me palpitations. It’s just a fantasy.
I really have stopped trying to change anything. Trying to change things makes it all worse. I need to learn to accept the current situation as it is. Whenever I try and change anything it gets even worse. It’s not my circumstances I want to change, just my reaction to them. No reaction at all would be ideal. To just carry on with the practicalities of life but with no emotional response to anything. That’s the dream.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 19:34

Thanks all for the replies. This thread has been a distraction.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 12/01/2022 20:01

They are able to treat distress. They really are. And you need help. Urgently.
You also need to address some practical issues. You mustn’t be sleeping in the bathroom without a mattress.
The ideal isn’t no emotional response. It’s being able to do life without panic attacks and severe anxiety but also being able to enjoy the good bits. There are some.
Please seek help.

Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 20:16

I have tried to get help before but haven’t managed it.
There’s nothing on the nhs for me because I’m functioning (got a job, feed and clothe dc and take to school, eat drink wash etc) I don’t qualify for help. I tried to arrange something privately but couldn’t manage to sort it out and it was making me worse. That’s why I don’t want to change things. Rocking the boat is bad. I just need some peace from the fear and panic and anger.

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Original poster
Debroglie · 12/01/2022 20:20

I am aware that some people enjoy parts of their lives but I’m not one of those people so for me the best I can wish for is no emotions.

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DickMabutt73962 · 12/01/2022 21:08

@Debroglie

I have tried to get help before but haven’t managed it. There’s nothing on the nhs for me because I’m functioning (got a job, feed and clothe dc and take to school, eat drink wash etc) I don’t qualify for help. I tried to arrange something privately but couldn’t manage to sort it out and it was making me worse. That’s why I don’t want to change things. Rocking the boat is bad. I just need some peace from the fear and panic and anger.
A lot of this resonates. You don't like the place that anxiety has you in, but it's a 'safe' place, and to consider changing it brings about more anxiety so you stay where you are. So many of us are 'functioning' so go through life without receiving proper support because we are seen to manage. When really everyday is a repeat of hell.
Wolfiefan · 12/01/2022 21:35

Not my experience with the NHS at all.