Do I have a personality disorder or am I just weird

[SurferBoy02]

There's literally no other explanation. Other people always seem to be confused when I share my thoughts with them, I'm always getting paranoid that other people are saying things/complaining about me, but when I question them on it they never seem to know what I'm talking about. I can't trust anyone else, at all. I always seem to take anything and everything people say to me the wrong way. After every single conversation I have with another person I will go over it again and again and if I remember something that makes me think I've upset them, I'll make myself sick worrying about it. I've got really poor social skills, people always ask why I'm quiet and I just tell them it's the way I am. I'm always spending money on things I really don't need and can't afford, just out of impulse. I often binge-eat, I'm easily distracted and led-astray (I haven't noticed this myself but my mum said she noticed it), I always thought my relationship with my friend was as tight as it could get but since I've stopped working with her 3 months ago she hasn't been interested in speaking to me. People could insult me with words which if it was anyone else, they wouldn't be offended, by if they say it to me I will take it to heart and when I'm on my own will just sit there and cry. I have to have guidance on making the simplest of decisions, it could just be wether to put my washing on the line or in the dryer, I'm always needing reassurance from my co-workers that I'm doing my job properly.

I've worked at McDonald's for six weeks, which is obviously a very fast-paced job, and that's something I've struggled with massively. I don't know if that's got anything to do with it but just thought I'd say that too.

I also sometimes have absences (I just stare into space with absolutely no awareness of what's happening around me whatsoever). I've been having tests done at the hospital but they can't find anything wrong with my brain in the scans they've done so far.

I just feel like as I've got older, these problems have only got bigger. Last year, just two days before my 18th birthday, I was having suicidal thoughts to the point where I contacted a helpline.

I know this isn't really the place to post it but I just don't know what else to do. Can someone please help/advise me because I really am at a loss and I feel like it's only going to get worse if I just do nothing.

If you’re at the stage of having tests at the hospital, have you explored things like ADHD, autism, anxiety? Have a read through some of the different ways these present, with a view to either considering exploring further or ruling out.

@breatheinskipthegym

If you’re at the stage of having tests at the hospital, have you explored things like ADHD, autism, anxiety? Have a read through some of the different ways these present, with a view to either considering exploring further or ruling out.

Oh I'm having tests done but only for the absences. They thought I may have been epileptic but it doesn't look that way now. I've never spoken to anyone about the other stuff I've mentioned

I hate to say it but you sound very like me. And I'm just quite normal, I think. Do you spend a lot of time on social media? I think a lot of human nature is dissected and pored over on social media these days and we are tempted to pathologise and find medical reasons for all the different wrinkles and quirks of our personalities. It might be worth investigating some CBT and mindfulness techniques to see whether they can help focus you away from your negative thoughts about yourself. I find this helps me to be more focussed and productive. I don't know if I have absences like you describe but I can certainly find myself going down mental tangents and appearing a bit blank while I tick through my thoughts. Obviously suicide ideation is a whole different ball game but what do you think has led you to think about this?

Is there anyone that you can talk to in real life who knows you really well? Are you at college where there are counsellors or anything?

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

Is there anyone that you can talk to in real life who knows you really well? Are you at college where there are counsellors or anything?

Thanks for the reply. I saw the college counsellor a few times after that happened but it wasn't long after that that I left college to start an apprenticeship, which also went tits-up.

As for wether or not there's anyone else I could talk to, no, I don't think so. I don't think I'd have to courage or be able to just get everything out in one appointment on my own. The one person who I do feel like would be more than willing to listen to and help me is my cousin, but she works full time and is a single mum to my 8 month old godson

I can really relate to the stuff to do with social anxiety. I had cbt and I went on antidepressants for a bjt (they actually do the lot for anxiety). People do tend to underestimate how much anxiety they have and how much they can help.
I'd keep talking about it all, noting jt down, talk to a gp and therapist if possible. Best way to figure it out and learn more about yourself. If it is a personality disorder? It's label- so what. Let's get the symptoms sorted so you can enjoy life more.

How about your parents / siblings could you ask them for help? It does sound like you may have 'something' eg ADHD, autism, anxiety at a level that's clearly affecting your life so would be worth exploring with the GP if you can.

You could also do your own reading around the topic. I'm not an expert but I bet there's loads of material out there for adults concerned about their undiagnosed issues. Are you near a library??

I agree with the PP who suggested looking into things like autism and ADHD as possibilities. The stuff to do with the washing could be an issue with executive functioning. The struggle with McDonalds could be to do with slow processing (which isn’t to do with intelligence, you can be really smart and have slow processing).
Your spacing out - could be a shutdown. Which some people have instead of a meltdown. The confusion around communication makes me think of ASD.
Whatever is going on, I would take this list of struggles to the GP and see if he/she thinks you should be assessed. In the meantime you could read up on them and see if anything rings a bell. There are some helpful YouTube videos that talk about how it feels to have adhd / ASD and you could watch them to see if you relate to any of it.

You sound quite isolated - I wonder if this is the cause of your uncertainties? Christmas can heighten these feelings, even among the most self-assured and successful people. And it also sounds like you've had some hard knocks recently too. Rather than having something amiss medically, it sounds more like your spirits have had a bit of a battering and you need someone just to pick you up and dust you off. Wish I could give you a hug and a cuppa!

You talk of your apprenticeship having not worked out. Why was this? And are you still at Macdonald's? Well done for having got another job. It's completely normal to have mishaps and missteps at this stage in your life when you're figuring yourself out and you may well move about a bit more before you find your niche. Please try not to take these negative experiences to heart. Learn from them, but absolutely don't let people take the best of you. What will you be doing this week? Will you be working or do you have other plans?

@incornerreading

I agree with the PP who suggested looking into things like autism and ADHD as possibilities. The stuff to do with the washing could be an issue with executive functioning. The struggle with McDonalds could be to do with slow processing (which isn’t to do with intelligence, you can be really smart and have slow processing). Your spacing out - could be a shutdown. Which some people have instead of a meltdown. The confusion around communication makes me think of ASD. Whatever is going on, I would take this list of struggles to the GP and see if he/she thinks you should be assessed. In the meantime you could read up on them and see if anything rings a bell. There are some helpful YouTube videos that talk about how it feels to have adhd / ASD and you could watch them to see if you relate to any of it.

I will make an appointment with the GP. Thank you for the advice. Actually, what you said about the slow processing would make a lot of sense. When I was 14/15 I was diagnosed with a form of dyslexia where I can read ok but when I'm being asked a longer question in an exam for example, I can read the individual words no problem but I could never actually put together what it was asking me, the same would go for if I get asked a longer question in person.

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

You sound quite isolated - I wonder if this is the cause of your uncertainties? Christmas can heighten these feelings, even among the most self-assured and successful people. And it also sounds like you've had some hard knocks recently too. Rather than having something amiss medically, it sounds more like your spirits have had a bit of a battering and you need someone just to pick you up and dust you off. Wish I could give you a hug and a cuppa!

You talk of your apprenticeship having not worked out. Why was this? And are you still at Macdonald's? Well done for having got another job. It's completely normal to have mishaps and missteps at this stage in your life when you're figuring yourself out and you may well move about a bit more before you find your niche. Please try not to take these negative experiences to heart. Learn from them, but absolutely don't let people take the best of you. What will you be doing this week? Will you be working or do you have other plans?

Thank you.

So I started at a pre-school as a work placement student, alongside a college traineeship. And they said that at the end of the traineeship they could offer me an apprenticeship but they couldn't at that moment in time due to insufficient funds. I didn't get to finish the traineeship as Covid hit when I was halfway through it. Come September 2020 though, she found away to offer me an apprenticeship and it was going great until around June. She told me that she would have to let me go at the end of October as she couldn't afford to keep me on for the next level of my apprenticeship. I eventually found a new pre-school to work at and they asked me to start there earlier than expected. So I started there in mid-September, having still not finished my qualification, but this new place just wasn't for me, at all. I didn't agree with the way they did things, and I simply just didn't want to be a part of it. So I started looking for new jobs and that was when I got offered a full-time job at McDonald's. I was in two minds as to wether or not to accept as I was only 2% off finishing the course but I knew that if I was working full time then I wouldn't be able to attend any meetings with my assessor so I had to make a decision. I chose to go to McDonald's. Only I really wish I hadn't now as they offered me a full time job and have only been giving me 10-15 hours a week! So yeah, that's what happened.

I've got to work tomorrow, and then I've got to work NYE and NYD. Apart from that, no plans at all.

I agree that you should seek a possible ADHD diagnosis - and if they have reason to believe it’s possible, they’ll likely give you the autism questionnaire thing to see whether that needs to be investigated further.

Ah OP, I just want to give you a hug. I recognise some of those things (I have ADHD). I’ll bet you’re being far too hard on yourself.

This is a fairly textbook of EUPD, which was known as Birderlune disorder, complete with emotional sensitivity, impulsivity difficulty maintaining relationships and disassociation.

The great news is that this responds very well to therapy.

You may encounter some unhelpful info about it but it is worth reading some descriptions if symptoms from users as a starting point.

Sorry for the typos

Have a look at how ADHD and ADD manifest in adults.

BPD?

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

You sound quite isolated - I wonder if this is the cause of your uncertainties? Christmas can heighten these feelings, even among the most self-assured and successful people. And it also sounds like you've had some hard knocks recently too. Rather than having something amiss medically, it sounds more like your spirits have had a bit of a battering and you need someone just to pick you up and dust you off. Wish I could give you a hug and a cuppa!

You talk of your apprenticeship having not worked out. Why was this? And are you still at Macdonald's? Well done for having got another job. It's completely normal to have mishaps and missteps at this stage in your life when you're figuring yourself out and you may well move about a bit more before you find your niche. Please try not to take these negative experiences to heart. Learn from them, but absolutely don't let people take the best of you. What will you be doing this week? Will you be working or do you have other plans?

I say that I've got work tomorrow, but honestly, part of me just wants to call in sick because I'm that worried about it. I struggled really badly today and it was obvious that the pther staff were quite frustrated as it was holding them up to. I just want to be able to hide away from it all but 1. I'll end up losing even more money, and the wages I'm on are rubbish as it is, and 2. My parents will say I'm being lazy. They just don't get it.

You're not lazy. But you are very new. Definitely go to work tomorrow. Go in with your head high and try your best to do a good job. Don't waste a second wondering what your colleagues think. Plan something nice for when you finish. Do you have a good book? Is there something you like you could watch? Get yourself something nice for tea and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I am still not convinced that the answer here lies in a diagnosis of anything. I think you just sound worn down and in need of cherishing.

Ps - well done to have got through 98% of your course, that's a great achievement! I'm sure that when your energy levels are up a bit more, you can work out a way of finishing it off, if that's what you still want?

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

You're not lazy. But you are very new. Definitely go to work tomorrow. Go in with your head high and try your best to do a good job. Don't waste a second wondering what your colleagues think. Plan something nice for when you finish. Do you have a good book? Is there something you like you could watch? Get yourself something nice for tea and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I am still not convinced that the answer here lies in a diagnosis of anything. I think you just sound worn down and in need of cherishing.

Ps - well done to have got through 98% of your course, that's a great achievement! I'm sure that when your energy levels are up a bit more, you can work out a way of finishing it off, if that's what you still want?

There's nothing I'd like more than to go back to working in childcare but I can't resume it from where I was as my assessor has already shut down all my profile data and units etc so if I did decide to go back into it, I'd probably have to restart the course and £15k for it, unless there's a setting willing to take me as an apprentice, which is very doubtful given that I've already been an apprentice before and failed to complete my qualification, which wouldn't look great on my CV.

I'm absolutely kicking myself for not just saying no to McDonald's and sticking with the setting I was at until the end of the qualification and then going somewhere else. I guess it's a mistake I've learned from though.

A lot of this rings true for autism. Look up how it presents in women as it can differ from the traditional male-focused view many people have

How are you today, OP? Hope you have managed to go to work. If you need to chat, I am here.

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

How are you today, OP? Hope you have managed to go to work. If you need to chat, I am here.

Yeah I'm good thanks. I actually talked to my sister, and she told me to make an appointment with the GP and that she would come with me.

I went to work and seem to have had a much better day today! And thank you, I'll know where to come now if and whenever I do!

That sounds really tough. There are good psychologists out there who you could see over Zoom. I'm not suggesting you go private and invest thousands but if you had enough to test the waters... devote a few sessions to describing your problem, having explained that your agenda is to be signposted to a possible diagnosis, it might be worth it. My concern at the moment is that a psychiatrist would bung you on an antidepressant to stabilise your mood on the grounds that they have neither the time (nor quite honestly on the NHS to treat a personality disorder-it will just sit on your medical notes causing problems). If you have some idea of what could be going on, you could request a specific referral to an NHS psychologist. That said, I think you should get the absences fully addressed first as there's no point thinking about what what is wrong is this is going to muddy the waters.

It sounds like autism and adhd op.

Welcome to my world!

I really felt for you reading your posts. Yes, you're struggling at the moment (aren't we all...) but you sound lovely and seem to have a lot of insight into what affects you and how you cope. I'm glad today was better and I agree therapy might help. A GP visit like you've planned might be the first step towards accessing the right sort of therapist.

I just wanted to add that you write beautifully, and with that in mind have you thought about keeping a journal? It can really help to organise your thoughts and perceptions, and ultimately be quite therapeutic. Oh, and Happy Christmas.:)