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Original poster

I don't want to carry on

58 replies

DueyCheatemAndHow · 18/12/2021 16:12

Just that.

I hate my life. I want to just walk away. I'm totally trapped and I don't know how to come to terms with that

OP posts:
Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 19/12/2021 19:04

Yes we've been together 14 years

OP posts:
ponkydonkey · 19/12/2021 19:13

Hi early I don't think there's a mum in the world who doesn't feel the same as you do right now... I know I did when my kids were the same age. It's like living with a bunch of psychopaths! Hang on in there, get them to bed and tomorrow is another day ( albeit the same relentless shite) but it's another day x

FavouriteMug · 19/12/2021 19:58

I echo that, I really struggled at times as a mum. It was relentless and I felt trapped at times. I also suffered severe depression and anxiety at times too.

I did however have a very loving and supportive husband and lovely supportive family.

What support fo you have? What does your DH think about how you are feeling?

AliceW89 · 19/12/2021 20:09

Oh OP - I really feel for you. I’m sure millions of people can relate. Little kids are often completely and utterly overwhelming and suffocating and steal your life for a fair number of years. Add into that drudgery of winter and work and a global pandemic and it’s really hard to see what there is to live for at times.

Only you know your situation fully, but from the little you’ve written, it sounds like DH is a good person, but your life as a couple has stalled? You obviously can’t get rid of the kids and work is something that you either enjoy or has to happen, so that probably stays too…but instead of divorcing, would prioritising your relationship be possible? Maybe some counselling? A regular baby sitting arrangement so the two of you can just ‘be’ again?

KILNAMATRA · 19/12/2021 20:23

More help. 3 year olds are holy terrors! You have to go out and sit in a restaurant with your husband without em.. what bout get childminder for afternoon and meet your husband out and go for drink etc.. just one evening where you don’t have to do bed etc.. also lower your housework standards, a coping mother is more important than a clean house

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 19/12/2021 22:49

Thing is even when I manage to get out... it becomes shit again after about 2 minutes of being back in. On Wednesday both promptly cried and were desperate to be picked up, then my 3 year old punched me and told me to go back to work. But then of course at 5.30 the next morning he will raise merry hell if DH goes in to him and not me. I hate my existence.

We've managed some dinners out etc but never a night away. Only night we've been away from the 3 year old was to have the baby

OP posts:
SisterConcepta · 19/12/2021 22:57

Can you check if there is a HomeStart in your area? They provide support for parents who are struggling with the issues you are try to cope with.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 19/12/2021 23:03

I'll have a look. Thanks

OP posts:
Mum2b1g · 19/12/2021 23:22

I feel the same as you op, finding everything just monotonous, feel like my existence is just to be mum maid ,’tidying up cleaning cooking, same thing day in day out.
Lost all my confidence now, don’t want to talk to people as they seem to have lots to talk about and I don’t. Sorry to jump in on your thread but basically wanted to say I feel the same way too

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 19/12/2021 23:26

@Mum2b1g please no apologies necessary - I'm sorry you're feeling the same too.

I expected to feel bored. I didn't expect to feel so bad at it and angry.

Do u work? How old are your children?

OP posts:
Babyvenusplant · 19/12/2021 23:43

Op I totally understand, it's so so hard sometimes. As a pp said, they are like little psychopaths sometimes.
Have you tired getting outdoors when they get like that? Stick some reigns on 3yr old so he doesn't run off and just get some fresh air, it would help you too.
Or messy play/ sensory stuff, when my dd is playing up I get out the kinetic sand stuff or playdough and she's just engrossed in it.
I get the whole jumping channels thing too, it's so frustrating!!!!
Finally, you could up the dose of your meds, you can take up to 40mg of citalopram. Might be worth a try Flowers

BobbieT1999 · 19/12/2021 23:51

Op, I don't wish to second guess you at all, but I'm going to ask only the basis of what you've written so far...

Are you sure divorce is what you want, or you reaching out for it because you desperately need something big to change?

It's just, you're being treated for depression, you're clearly drowning under the drudgery that comes with early motherhood and you sound so lost, so numb...I'm just wondering if you're projecting at all?

Forgive me if I'm hugely mistaken, I've seen how desperately unhappy marriages can make people, but you haven't mentioned your husband much. Most of your anguish seems to be around your role as a mother.

There's nothing wrong with that, of course, it's so normal for women to feel the same way especially with infants of the same age. But I've also wondered whether pnd has played a part in leading you to this point of desperation?

How did your dh react to you saying you'd like a divorce? Have you spoken about you feel?

Hope I've not offended you Flowers

Workinghardeveryday · 20/12/2021 00:01

I really feel for you, it is so hard having young kids and some are much harder than others.

It can be a very lonely place sometimes, but it does get better I promise. You just need a break. Time to yourself and time with your husband alone maybe.

I really hope you feel better, I’ve been where you are, it’s not a nice place to be, but remember, this too shall pass xxx

AppleFairy · 20/12/2021 00:07

I remember feeling just as you’ve described when my DCs were that age. It’s relentless and exhausting. I catalog tried a different AD and it changed my life. Just helped me cope and took the edge off how impossible everything was.

So many women feel like you. You are not alone Flowers

AppleFairy · 20/12/2021 00:08

*went to GP and tried a different AD

stuckinarut21 · 20/12/2021 00:22

Hi OP just wanted to say I have a 4&2 yo and the worst age by far was 3&1. In my case my 3yo was quite independent (but still had moments) but my 1yo was a nightmare/ very clingy and I really struggled with managing both of their needs. I even started a thread on here asking when it will get better. I promise it will get easier.

My best advice would be to lower your standards to 'fed, watered and clothed'. Keep reminding yourself that this WONT last. I also found putting kids exercise videos on YouTube (joe wicks has a few , a Spider-Man one as well) helped my older child burn off energy.

I remember speaking to nursery and they told me that 3 is a big age developmentally and hormonally. They said they had to change their day around so the 3yo's got outside for 45 mins straight after breakfast/ when they arrived to burn it all off.

Do you have a garden?

Why were you off the citalipram for 2 days? Would it be worthwhile speaking to GP about the dose? It sounds like it may help

stuckinarut21 · 20/12/2021 08:09

@DueyCheatemAndHow how are you this morning?

Takemedown · 20/12/2021 08:36

Can you speak to your GP about increasing your citalopram? I was up to 30-40mg a day at one point. I also found that not taking it for a day or two made things so much worse. It can have a really big impact. I'm not saying it'll solve your problems but it might help you feel more stable.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 20/12/2021 09:07

I'm so grateful for all your thoughts.

I (or the doctors surgery, but let's not get into that) messed up my prescription - I think it really affected me.

@BobbieT1999 you haven't offended me at all. You are totally on the money. We just can't seem to communicate very effectively. 90% of our conversations are logistics- 'have you got the keys' 'when is baby going down for a nap'. He forgets stuff about the kids which makes me resentful. Our professions don't help- I'm a teacher and he is a barrister. So boiled down his job is to argue and mine is to instruct.

OP posts:
Notgettingbetter · 20/12/2021 10:50

I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice but I wanted to send you a hug - I understand how you feel and I hope it gets better soon ❤️

endofthelinefinally · 20/12/2021 14:59

OP, now that you have said what your professions are I completely get it.

My suggestion would be to buy in as much help as you can, shop online. Your 3 year old needs to be outside and moving as much as possible. I had the same age gap and a husband who was never at home. Weekends were the hardest. Even in cold weather the little one can be wrapped up in the buggy and the older one in snow suit and boots. We were out in the park first thing and we walked for a couple of hours. Home for lunch, Sesame street on TV, (Early 90s) a story, then back out again. Every day. Enclosed playgrounds are good. Reins help a lot when not enclosed.
Routine is everything.
I had no mobile phone, no online shopping, no CBeebies, but by getting out and walking miles they were more settled when indoors and slept better at night. Walking outside is good for mental health too.
You have to resign yourself to getting nothing done when they are awake, but if you tire them out, you get a chance to do more when they are asleep. In another year it will be easier.

endofthelinefinally · 20/12/2021 15:07

The other thing I would suggest would be to increase your working hours and employ the nanny 5 days a week. Then you have only got the weekends to manage. Plenty of mums work full time and pay for child care.

BobbieT1999 · 20/12/2021 15:40

I think its a good idea to throw as much money at the problem as you can as well, even if all you do is give yourself a day a week with just your baby and toddler in nursery an extra day.

It's also normal for couples to fall into a way of living where all they do is talk about logistics etc. You need to start making time for yourselves. Ordinarily I'd suggest a babysitter and some date nights but given you've been talking about divorce I think couples counselling would be helpful.

You both need time to start feeling like yourselves again rather than mum and dad.

How are things today? Flowers

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 20/12/2021 21:04

Thank you everyone. It's honestly been so helpful.

I feel a little bit less desperate tonight. DH and I have sat and wrapped the Christmas presents for the children which has been a lovely thing to do. I've got to keep my patience around DS. I want him to feel secure and I'm not doing that at the moment. Every night I tell myself just don't sweat the small stuff and then I manage to get the baby happy on the floor for 2 seconds and then he pushes her over and I lose it.

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stuckinarut21 · 20/12/2021 21:18

OP I really recommend reading 'how to talk so little kids listen' or get it on audible , it really helped my interactions