I don't want to carry on

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

Just that.

I hate my life. I want to just walk away. I'm totally trapped and I don't know how to come to terms with that

Oh OP it sounds like you are really suffering. What or who is trapping you?

Nothing is ever, op, but I've felt this way before and I know how hopeless it feels. Tell us what's so wrong

Talking on here could be the first step to figuring out a way to move forward. There are lots of wise and kind women here.

@DueyCheatemAndHow Is it possible for you to tell us a bit about your life?

Hello @DueyCheatemAndHow - we're so sorry to hear how low you're feeling. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'll move this over to Mental Health now.

Best wishes from MNHQ.

💐💕

I don't even know what to say. 2 children. Totally suffocating. I cannot exist while they are awake. It's hell on earth for me

Who else is at home? Do you have a partner? How old are DC's? Can you be more specific about what you're struggling with?

Talk to us OP xxx

Can you just write down what’s going on OP - just worry about it - just write. It will help people give advice and it might even help you to just get it out.

We're here for you op. Can you tell us how old your children are?

I feel you. Can you tell me more about what the suffocating factors are? What is it you miss about existing on your own?

Children are 1 and 3. I end up shouting all the tinem.3 year old.is just so intense. I'm.conwtwntly having to clean up spilled stuff,.broken stuff, he runs away from me all the time. Eg can't let him go to the loo alone because he ends up flooding the bathroom from the sink. 1 year old is a happy sausage but gets really clingy with me. Anytime I try and get them to play it lasts about 2 minutes before there he needs poo or she has done a poo or someone has hurt someone. I cannot do anything while I have them. He is next to me watching TV now and even then it is constantly that he wants a different episode or he wants to climb on me etc etc.

Have a partner. He does a lot. Not sure I'm in love anymore.

Work Chrietmas party on Thursday. One very drunk colleague was acting v inappropriately but all I could think was 'I just want to leave my life. I want to go to a hotel with him and have sex'.

So sorry for the terrible typing. Why we don't have an edit function is beyond me

No wonder you're struggling so much, op. Those are difficult ages to have two under 5. You're not alone and you're not the only one.

Please speak to your gp about how you feel, you need support from them to help you get through the days.

Do you have family around?

Does 3yo go to nursery at all?

We have a term time only live out nanny for the 3 days a week I work.

Are you in a position to increase childcare for even half a day when you're at home?

Not really. Plus I'd feel guilty. But then I wonder if I'm ruining their lives anyway

You are not ruining their lives in the slightest and have no reason to feel guilty if you do manage to swing some extra childcare for your son (and I hope you do).

Remember how on planes you're told to fit your own oxygen mask first? Well, it's the same principle. There's nothing to feel guilty about when you take steps to make it easy for you to be there for your children and to ease the strain on your mental health.

Do you think you'd feel OK having a chat with your gp? Or health visitor?

Also, does your dh know how much you're struggling?

I'm on 20mg citalopram.

I've told DH I want a divorce

Is that definitely what you want? How has he reacted?

I'm sorry op, what a lot you are going through. You must do what's right with you. How are things with him now you've told him?

Would you like to talk about what's led you to your decision?

P.s. there are other anti depressants you can be prescribed if you don't feel citalopram is doing enough for you.

Thank you for being so kind.

I'm not sure. I just know I can't keep living like this. I ran out of citalopram so had 2 days off, that probably isn't helping.

I broke my arm 8 weeks ago and it's still quite sore too.

I'm not living. I'm just existing from one childcare based operation to the next

Is your relationship a long term one??