When you don’t want to live

[EverestsSnowPlow]

What can you do?

Depression for nearly 25 years. Live in a very isolated community where I don’t speak the language and have maybe 1 friend who is going to be away all winter. All friends and family are back home in the UK. The snow has started and I now face 6 or 7 months more or less stuck indoors due to subzero temps. I go out whenever I can, I attend intensive language lessons every day, I try to find things to look forward to. But once again I’m struggling to keep myself alive. The difference is that I now have 2 small children (one of whom absolutely hates me and it breaks my heart) so there is no choice but to keep going. But I really, really don’t want to.

Antidepressants and therapy have not worked so far. Neither has exercise, meditation, healthy diet, etc. I fear that not everyone can be helped and that I appear to be one of those people.

I really don’t know what to do.

Thanks if you read this far.

Why can't you move back to UK?

Can you move?

Im sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Could you try different meds to see if that makes a difference?
How old are your DC? What do you enjoy doing? Or previously enjoyed doing?
It feels bleak now, but it won't last forever, I promise, you can do this.

Can you move home?

And have you tried using a SAD lamp for when you're stuck indoors all the time? They make a HUGE and near instant difference to me.

Try to concebtrate on repairing your relationship with child who "hates you"? Hard, painful but meaningful.

The one who hates me is only 2. She has never warmed to me. I try so hard with her but she took an almost instant dislike to me when she was very young and it has never changed. I don’t know when or if it will change.

We can’t move home because of work.

Your work, or someone else's? If yours, can you take a leave of absence on health grounds and go to your family in the UK for the next couple of months. If someone else, you can leave them there while you go to the UK.

There are jobs in the UK, OP. You absolutely could move home and find a job here if where you are now is making you so miserable. No job is worth you feeling this awful and being so isolated. Please do speak to your doctor, your family, and your friends.

Work is not more important than your life. Take the kids and go back to your family if they can have you and your OH refuses to move back. No one should be that miserable and isolated.

Work isn't a good enough reason if you're losing the will to literally live.

2yos are little dictators. I doubt she really hates you, but I don't doubt how you're feeling.

As above - work is nowhere near as important than the rest of your life. Without knowing what you both do there seems to be plenty of jobs in the UK at the moment. I would be making plans to move back - even without suffering with depression that sounds depressing being stuck indoors in sub zero temperatures.

Sorry op you feel this way. I have no real advice.

Depression is a real torment and 2 year olds are not called the terrible 2s for nothing.

Is there something you and the 2 year old could do that you both like as your special time that would help you build a relationship. Could your hf help?

I know you say exercise has not helped, but personally I was not aware how bad I felt until I started going to the gym. I can't say I look forward to going but somewhere along the gym time I feel unreal. I feel that for hours after.

Is there an online support group?

I wish you well and hope that you feel better.

It’s not my work so not my decision.

There is a community of English speakers here but it’s so close that I’m sort of reluctant for everybody to know that I’m struggling.

OP that's awful. I've been an expat wife and know some of the difficulties with close/small communities + being abroad in a non-English-speaking country. Also had problems with mental health.

Being abroad for someone else's work doesn't remove your rights. You are still a human and you still have a right to choose your life. I suspect its both the depression talking here plus the passivity that very often comes with moving abroad for your partner's work. You have choices. Covid doesn't make things easier, but you do have choices about where you live, how long you stay or when/if you leave for a bit, even if you choose not to take them. Your husband's (I'm assuming) job doesn't make you have less rights to life.

I'm also wondering if there have ever been times in the past 25 years when you either felt ok or actually happy? If so, where were you, what were you doing and/or what happened?

Op, I feel so sorry for you. That’s not a nice situation for anyone to be in but 100 times more so in your position. I need to say though, despite what it appears like, a 2 year old isn’t capable of hate like that. It could be interpreted as hate but that’s your mh seeing it that way. Your 2 year old has very likely picked up on how you’re feeling and this is how they react to that rather than you (if that makes sense). Such young children are extremely emotionally immature and how adults can see it is very far from reality (and 2 year olds aren’t famous for empathy as we know it as they don’t have the capacity, takes years to develop it as humans).

Does the country you live in have access to talking therapy? Any mh support at all? Please don’t feel ashamed, if millions of people didn’t suffer mh illnesses they wouldn’t have developed all the many medications, therapy’s, support groups etc. Depression is a spectacular bastard, it will put all sorts of negative thoughts in to your head. I must say though, I agree with pp’s that if there is even a slim chance of getting home I would be trying (although this will require a significant effort you probably don’t feel you can muster at the moment) to get myself and kids home.

@EverestsSnowPlow

It’s not my work so not my decision.

There is a community of English speakers here but it’s so close that I’m sort of reluctant for everybody to know that I’m struggling.

You say its a community. You clearly need to be a part of that so you do not feel so isolated. I do not know how you can do this but there must be something you can join in to take the tedium away from looking after little ones and having no one to talk/relate/moan/get pissed with? I do not think your little one hates you. I just think you need to spend time with other people a bit more

You can get better, OP.

I was depressed for about 20 years, to some extent or another, with a huge dose of anxiety thrown in at times. Took an overdose at one point, fantasised about suicide often. Put off learning to drive for years as I was too scared of having an easy way to kill myself to hand.

I passed my test this week. To me, that's the clearest indicator of how much my MH has improved. I totally trust myself in a car, now.

If your tablets don't work, try others.

Is your husband supportive?

Hi
Are you in a foreign contractor type of situation - mining, oil, finance?

Been there in your situation, almost exactly. We can make it work, talk to me xx

Remember it's not life you want to quit: it's Depression you want to quit

I find Vitamin D 4000iu hugely helpful plus a B complex all year round.

Music (upbeat) helps me enormously. Especially in the car.

I quit alcohol - massive improvement in Depression. Game changer!

I noticed a huge reduction in anxiety when i quit refined carbs - just veggies and low carb fruit plus meat and good eggs and fish helps reduce anxiety. Yes i still sometimes eat the other stuff but i do note the difference.

Daylight walks. Especially the morning sun. Even 10mins can work wonders.

My Gynae suggested Progesterone only pill. Game changer for monthly depression and PMS and flow. Way better than Combined as no Oestrogen.

Exercise - not the gym type exercise but gardening, dancing like no one's watching in the kitchen (headphones), cycling, stroking pets, walking, any kind of day light fresh air. Real world exercise.

Aromatherapy oils. I use Neal's Yard: Mandarin, Litsea, Grapefruit, Lemongrass for Depression. For anxiety i use Geranium, Lavender, Rose. The citrus ones are cheaper (i still cant afford Rose but I substitute) and just two drops in my hair lifts my. Each bottle 10ml lasts me a year. p.s Geranium is the only thing that helps my monthly migraines.

Watching comedies.

I still have Depression and Anxiety since 1995 but way way improved.

CBT helped enormously. Visualisation helped enormously.

I take Citalopram 20mg. In the morning.

I speak as someone who at one point could not move my head in bed let alone get out of it at one point. Did not eat. Could not move further than the toilet and back to bed. It does get better. It will. Change can be frightening but small changes are very very healing.

Remember it's not life you want to escape. It's just Depression you want to escape

You will improve.

lots of TLC

p.s have you been tested for Lyme disease? This can mask as Depression for years if untreated.

ECT is more effective than anti depressants and actually more humane than the side effects from many medications. I've seen people who have recovered very quickly after ECT treatment. Anti depressants take 6-8 weeks to build up to a therapeutic effect and even then they are only around 48% effective.

Regarding the child you feel hates you I would suspect you're very wrong. I would say that child loves you more than anything and knows you are there for them at any given second therefore they don't bother much with you as they know you'll be there when they need you. I would say that child knows it is totally loved and secure with you and releases all emotions at you as children often do only with those they feel most comfortable and accepted around.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you though somewhere with a language barrier and a social barrier due to the weather keeping people apart.

Do you have family you could visit in the uk? Spend a little time with them?

Hello @EverestsSnowPlow - we're so very sorry that you're feeling this way. We usually link to our mental health resources but as you're not in the UK, we'd advise you to speak to your doctor first about how you're feeling - you don't have to suffer this alone.

In case it's of help, you can also take a look at our Mental Health webguide. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Very best wishes from MNHQ.