I just can’t be bothered to do anything

[ghostmouse]

I lost my dh 5 month ago and I was coping ok ish, had some wobbles etc.

But now it’s Xmas or near to it I’m finding I’m sinking.. fast.

I have an 11 year old and 14 year old living at home and we are all so chaotic. The house is a mess I can’t be bothered to do anything apart from the very bare minimum, I barely cook they’re surviving on noodles and microwave pizzas

Every day is a reminder than dh is no longer here and the whole palace over Xmas is really getting me down. All I do is watch to or Netflix, I’ve lost all interest in reading crochet or even walking as walking feels so lonely without dh. I’ve piled in weight, my hygiene isn’t brilliant although I do bath most days, my hairs greasy.
And I’ve let my dh down, I know I have. I’m so tired, I just can’t see the point to life anymore

How on earth do I get out of this rut, I can’t take antidepressants and mirtazipine sent my completely loopy. I smashed plates and nearly totalled the car on it. Awful drug.

How do I take one step at a time. I know going for a little walk would help but I look and smell awful and then by the time I’ve had a bath and washed my hair it’s dark. I don’t get a break from the dds, their own dad is beyond useless and I don’t have much help and support either.

Any ideas on what I can do. I can’t get an appointment at the docs until the new year

Anyone out there?

So sorry. Settle for just a bubble bath and hair wash. Don't do the walk until the next day and have a purpose to it rather than just a walk. Go to the local shop for milk and home for example and keep building on that.

Sorry for your loss

Stop being so hard on yourself. You're still in mourning. Get the children to help you clean the house up and you'll all feel better. Bribe them if necessary!

Ah man you have so much on your plate, don’t be so hard on yourself!!! It’s understandable that you feel like this right now. Messy house and microwave pizzas are not going to harm anyone. Try to have a wash every day and if you accomplish that that’s enough for the day. Nothing wrong with watching Netflix all day in your position though if you can bring yourself to leave the house, even briefly, for some fresh air that will really help. You’re doing an amazing job just by keeping going. Are you guys getting any support with your grief? Any friends who can drop off meals? Take it easy OP, there is no way your DH would be disappointed, you are doing your best in some really difficult circumstances. Hang in there.

That’s a really good idea thank you. I honestly didn’t think of having a purpose to the walk and starting small. We always went for big long hikes and never really went out for a walk to the shops. It’s doable.
I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark which is not helping
Bubble bath sounds good

I do go to work but I’m not in till half five monto thurs.

I don’t have a lot of support, my lovely friend Is so busy herself but we text a lot and I do go to hers now and again.

It’s so bloody lonely, this is the worst I’ve ever ever felt. I can’t concentrate on anything

Dd2 14 is struggling in school too, and I had to speak to them this morning. Not getting much support with our grief

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. As others have said try washing your hair, get outside for a little bit of fresh air and build on that. And get the kids to help clear up a bit.

Don't be so hard on yourself your going through a tough time. Set yourself little goals like don't leave a room empty handed have a bath/shower daily if you dont manage to wash your hair don't worry take yourself for that walk for some dry shampoo. Try setting an alarm for tidying a room give yourself a 10minute timer if you decide to carry on well done if not you've still achieved something. Sometimes everything can be so overwhelming you just need to split it into chunks and take baby steps

Can you make a GP appointment to see if they can refer you for more grief support?
I love long hikes too and I can see how that’s difficult now you’ve lost your liking buddy. Apologies if this sounds trite but Google Conquerer challenges. They do lots of virtual challenges where you can hike (not in one go! You can take as long as you like!) certain distances, anything from 40km to 1000s of kilometres. For example you can do the Inca trail virtually. I know it probably sounds like a stupid suggestion when you are drowning in grief but there is also a lovely supportive Facebook group for the Conquerer challenges. Many people post their progress there and many are struggling with mental health and some with bereavement. It may just be good to have a “goal” (adding miles to your challenge) for going out. And who knows, your daughters may even be persuaded to join you with a bit of bribery (and there is a medal which appeals to some children).
Maybe this all just sounds too much for you right now but when I’m going through a hard time getting outside, even just for 20 minutes is what keeps me sane. Hang in there OP x

Hi OP,

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. It's no wonder you feel as you all feel as do.

My advice is to do very small things for very short bursts of time, followed by a reward and an acknowledgement of your DH.

Start with self care. Not too much of it, just a manageable amount. Try a five minute set of affirmations before you get out of bed. Stuff like: We'll get through this. We love each other and we will keep caring for each other during this horrible time. We're taking better care of ourselves now. I'm taking better care of myself and my children now. Etc. Just to plant the seed. Then maybe 5 minutes stretching yoga. Small stuff.

With the food, can you keep doing effortless things but make them more varied and healthy. E.g. instead of take out pizzas, get some ready meal curries - some of the supermarket ones are pretty low fat and salt, have spinach and lentils and lean meat in them. Buy some fresh fruit and encourage DC to have some twice a day. Buy multi vitamins, iron supplements and Vitamin D spray and get everyone to take them once a day so that while your diet is not so good, you are at least getting the nutrients you need.

Tackle the house in tiny chunks of time. When I had severe depression I relied on 5 minute housework sessions and they really helped. When you get back from work, set a timer for 5 minutes and do some big impact tidying - the stuff that is most noticeable and depressing to you. Just for 5 minutes. Chuck out old pizza boxes and junk mail, hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, plump up cushions. Put dirty clothes in the wash.

Then give yourself a little mental thumbs up: well done. Looks better! Have a cup of tea or listen to a track of music you love, or take a shower.

If you do this once a day and encourage DC to do it too, just for 5 mins, that's 15 mins a day which is more than 1.5 hours tidying up a week.

You can do the same with cleaning. Just set a timer for 5 mins and wipe some surfaces or do some dishes or run a hoover over the worst most visible bits of the floor. Or polish one window or mirror. Or put on one wash load. Etc.

if this works, aim for 30 mins clean up all together at the weekend.Tell DC that their dad wouldn't want to see you all in this state and you are making the house nice as a tribute to him. get one of them to dust and polish, one to hoover while you clean bathroom and kitchen for 125 mins each. then stop. Don't do it all in one go.

Create a corner of the house that you can keep looking nice, ideally with space for all three of you. Either the sitting room or kitchen table. Put fresh flowers and cosy rugs or cushions there. Somewhere you can curl up together to talk about him or even just watch TV and numb your emotions for now. But in comfort. You all need comfort.

15 minutes not 125!

I have put a beef casserole on in the slow cooker the girls will not eat it though, but I can last for 2 days, they have become so fussy the last year. They just can’t be bothered eating decent food because they’re just depressed and upset like me. I’ll make them something else.

I just can see us ever being happy again

Oh OP you are being so very harsh on yourself. You lost your just 5 months ago and that is nothing at all. You look after your DC and go to work that in itself is an achievement. Absolutely second grief counselling for all of you. Have the school been supportive with your DC?

Literally one step at a time, one front in front of the other. Try a little walk even if its just around the block anything to distract you. Most of all its such early days be kind to yourself xxx

You have so much on your plate, well done on the slow cooker meal. Just wondering if you have contacted Cruse? I found them very supportive. Also, Winston's Wish is a really helpful source of support for children.

Sending best wishes. Be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry. You've got got a ton of shot on your plate, your kids probably feel the same - do whatever we you need to get through it. If it's kfc on Christmas Day so be it.

It would be beneficial for all of you to have a really basic, simple routine in place. So, maybe make a rota for the shower in the morning and all go in one after the other, and every other day it's "hair day". If you went first you could put breakfast out for everyone and try to sit and eat together. Don't worry about what they eat, if it's crap cereal or packaged pains au chocolat that's fine. Maybe a glass of juice each for the vitamins! Just start with that every morning and you'll all feel a bit more cared for and nourished and that's a good start. Put the heating on for half an hour before you all get up so it's cosy too.

Breakfast routine in the morning wouldn’t work I think, we all have to leave the house by 7.30 and they won’t eat in the morning but I think that a tea/shower/bath routine would help at night. Hearings on at half six so that’s good

I’m looking for quick easy meals that the kids will eat, they hate eggs, stew, soup unless it’s tomato, sandwiches, they hate sausages and chicken. I’m at a loss tbh they were never fussy until dh died

Night time might be nice too - perhaps all get washed and then have a show you all watch together. Friends or the Simpsons, something brainless and fun everyone will like. A hot drink and a biscuit before bed so you all feel settled and tucked in.

Do they like pasta/stir fry? Or chilli with nachoes? My DC are going through a cup-a-soup fad and love a tomato cup a soup on the side of their lunch whenever possible - buy a load of these and then if they don't like what you're making they can have soup and toast?

Oh my lovely. I’m so very sorry. Frankly tonight sod it. If they have ice cream for tea it doesn’t matter.
Can they plan some meals with you? They tell you what they WILL eat?
I wish you lived near me. I’d walk with you. (As long as you don’t mind two hairy hounds and a muddy woman!)
Can you not take any antidepressants at all? Can you try any CBT techniques? Exercise? Get outdoors? Do something you used to enjoy?

I think you are all picking up on each other’s grief, and that’s okay, it’s normal but you can take this by the horns. Ask them to sit down with you and plan some meals you can all eat together. There must be some, they don’t have to be complicated. Get them involved.

Download the Active 10 app and get up and washed and dressed every single day. Get out for a brisk walk, start with 10 mins and aim for 30 mins everyday. The app is good because it logs how many brisk minutes you do.

Have you tried different antidepressants? I mean your depression is a normal reaction to a terrible thing but if you do want to explore that Avenue there are SO many different types. My dh has severe depression and it took 5 different ones (including the one beginning with M you mentioned) before he found one that works for him but now he’s on it it’s been life changing for him.

Most teens will eat a slow cooker chilli with beans, OP

Can you find the strength to call one friend and ask for help? Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed and miserable before Christmas and can she come round on saturday to support you. A friend would absolutely do this for you.

Work. Take bereavement leave. This is what it's for!

I can’t take bereavement leave. I left my job and went to work in my husbands place 2 months after it happened. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m on trial there and I don’t want to be going on the sick so soon. It was a job opportunity I couldn’t miss.

It’s Christmas that’s making us so miserable. I just want to not exist, life really has no meaning now.

I do get up and get dressed nearly every day for work but I have too. I have zero interest in anything. I can’t concentrate on the smallest of tasks.

They do however like chilli so I can do that

Hygiene problems? You have a bath every day, which is more than I do! You're too hard on yourself.

I barely remember to clean my teeth, well I do when I’m working once in the morning, didn’t have a bath yesterday, I will tonight as I have work in the morning. My nails although very short no matter what I do never seem to stay clean, although I have a dirty manual factory job

I dunno mumsnet gives me the impression if I’m not showering for 10 mins twice a day and scrubbing myself inside out I’m a dirty cow

My friends away this weekend, my mum not back from her cruise until Monday.

The 11 year dd has said she will eat the beef bit off the stew as long as I don’t give her any carrots and as long as she has dumplings and lots of gravy with the rice. Can’t be arsed with mash but hopefully she will eat it

You sound to be doing all you can, working providing food for your children and without any sounding board... Thats quite a feat! Its so soon after loosing your husband. You sound to be doing more than I'd manage.

Just a thought, would it be easier to not do the 'traditional' Christmas? Take pressure off you all. Its going to be so hard anyway, what do you want to do?

When we lost close members of the family and couldn't face our normal routines we did low key decorations, for the children, but structured the day to suit us. No big meals, fancy presents, just rested, favourite ready meals and films, walk in garden, (couldn't be bothered with that really but kids needed fresh air). I wasnt remotely bothered about Christmas or new year, it was a relief when January came and the festivities were over.

You need to look after yourselves. Maybe pick out food to order together to be delivered to the house? Would that work?

Best wishes, hoping beef was enjoyed tonight