I'm the issue and I'm ruining everything

[TickTockBaby]

Hello all,

I had considered name changing but I think that's a contributing factor and really I need to be honest with myself.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I seem to be angry all the time, my fuse is so short and I shout far too much.

I'm worried that Ive messed my home environment up so much and my poor children will only ever remember this raging mummy and toxic noisy house I've created.

From the outside? All is well I suppose, we have a nice house in a nice area, DH and I have been together a long time- mostly happily. I have a good job, as does he. We have a comfortable secure life.

We have two young DC, one pre-school and one primary (age 6).

My DH works shifts so naturally a lot of the life admin stuff falls to me, I work 4 days a week in a very demanding job that needs early starts and late finishes daily.

I feel like all I ever do is shout and all I ever feel is tired.

My DH try's I suppose, but I feel like he doesn't care as much as me so doesn't do it as well as I do, thinking about doing things for the children or jobs around the house etc.

Just reading that back makes me sound like a b*tch.

I love my children so much, I struggle with guilt leaving them for work. I just want to be with them.

I feel lost, unable to break this chain. And cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about the damage my yelling is doing and imagining the day my DC are on Mumsnet talking about their toxic upbringing and vile mother.

I think if DH was a bit better with managing the life stuff and engaged a bit more with the children's holistic needs I'd leave as I feel they'd do better without my presence.

My heart breaks for my little people, but I am the issue.

This is a mental load problem isn't it. You are doing all the admin and the h does nothing?

I felt like that with PND and went to the doctor's and got anti-depressants. They really really helped. I found that once I could control my anger everything was much easier, eg kids' behaviour etc.

You don't have to live like this. And if there are other underlying factors that you're not yet aware of which are making you so unhappy (as there were with me) then having the peace of mind that ADs give you can help you figure things out.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

@pastypirate I think so, but doesn't everyone have a mental load to carry? And, I'm not aware of others losing their temper like I do, so why am I so unable to manage like them. Why can't I just absorb it and manage it healthily instead of being so short tempered.
He does do stuff and really on paper he's great, sorts the DIY, the cars, parts of the joint finances, will do a bath time if I ask, will collect the children and has them on his days off. But he doesn't organise the daily stuff, wouldn't occur to him to organise childcare for example, sort breakfast clubs, non uniform days, reading diaries, extra curricular stuff, birthdays or Christmas gifts or events. He doesn't really know the children's routines but will do something if I ask him.

I think I'm The issue because I think I have to do it so nothing gets missed and the children don't suffer/ miss out.

Sorry, but it’s not your DH responsibility to make you a less shouty parent, that’s on you.

Yes he may be pathetic and do nothing around the house and it’s causing you stress, but that’s not a good enough excuse to take it out on children.

Take a step back and shout at your husband instead.

@HollowTalk thank you for the and I'm glad your MH is doing well following you PND.

I don't and have never spoken to anyone in real life as it's so 'unlike me'. I'm the independent one, the capable one, the 'strong one' which is hilarious really considering how broken I feel.

To the outside I'm all of those things and too my poor little people I'm the mad mummy who shouts at breakfast time and is always in a rush. I sob for them.

@TickTockBaby oh goodness you sound so stressed.
I'm having cbt for anxiety just now. One thing that really helped was understanding that anxiety caused severe irritability and grumpiness. It's because you feel so wound up all the time. I'm not saying that's what's going on for you - I couldn't judge -but it was a lightbulb moment for me.

All the decision making being down to me made me really grumpy too.

I can relate 100% to the snapping and shouting at the kids and feeling v guilty about it. I've been there a few times and more when they were younger.

I found I could let myself off if I apologised to them 'I'm sorry I was v grumpy earlier I was worried we would miss the train' also the kids forget it instantly honestly they do.

@ChristmasKrackers you're right, I'm a horrible person. I don't shout at them but this is their home where mummy shouts.
They'd do better without me for sure

I didn’t say you was horrible or they would be better off without you, I doubt your kids think that either.

But it’s your problem to solve, and trying to get your husband to solve it for you by doing more of the mental load won’t help, it’s not the cause of your problem, it’s a symptom.

What age are you? Sometimes (mostly always) hormones play a part in stress and mood swings. Hormones being out of balance can change your life entirely, that’s why it’s called health, mental health. It doesn’t mean your wrong or your doing something wrong, sometimes these things happen because of your health.

You should visit you GP, like you would if you started having pains in your lungs, you wouldn’t say, if my DH cleared up around the house my lungs wouldn’t hurt as much. It’s like the same thing.

Your doctor should be able to help you but unfortunately you have to really push for it and make sure your not fobbed off and get checked properly. X

A hormone imbalance is what I was trying to say.

@ChristmasKrackers that's an incredibly unhelpful - bordering on downright dangerous thing to say.

Everyone has their boiling point and, if Op is not getting support from DH she will reach that point earlier and more often. Of course he has a part to play in this.

OP - can you afford to get any kind of counselling to help you let go of some of the anxiety, resentment and anger?

Your DH absolutely needs to step up - have you told him how you feel? I'm a great one for stressing about how much needs to be done and as soon as a talk to DH he takes a load of stuff off the list as well as reassuring me that the world will keep turning even if I don't do it all - and it does .

You need to lower your standards, become a team and accept that some things won't get done as well or might be missed altogether. But if you can find that acceptance then the stress goes right down and the shouting goes.

So what if kids are a bit late for school? Or have to wear a dirty jumper? Or in DS case today, didn't even brush his teeth!! But I didn't shout and everyone set off for school happy and from a calm house.

And do you know what, I don't care 😀

You seem to know what the problem is, and you're a grown-up. So stop yelling, shouting, taking it out on the children. You wouldn't shout, yell, etc at work, so why would you do it to your children?

If you need a low-dose AD or AA medication, so be it. Better than continuing on the road you are currently on.

As for your husband who doesn't really know the children's routines but will do something if I ask him - keep asking. Do so relentlessly, every time. He is a grown-up too and needs to pull his weight.

@FusionChefGeoff
You're right I do need to take a step to tackling my feelings, I think I've just been on autopilot for so long feeling like this has become my normal. But I don't want this life for us.

I've been researching talking therapies off the back of this thread and have made a self referral. I think writing it all down has helped me see where I'm at.

Not that it really matters but my husband is not pathetic he tries it's just our standards are very different, and I think that issue is exacerbated by my lifelong drive for perfection- which again is my issue.

Also I don't scream at my children, I adore them, they are the loves of my life. Not that it really makes a difference or makes it any more acceptable but.

Oh man! I am exactly the same

Waiting list for nhs help is ridiculous so I'm going to pay for some counselling

My kids deserve so much better!

You're not the issue, you have too much on your plate, it's that simple. Either you need to work less or your DH needs to do more. Alternatively you could get outside help in so less falls to you. Are any of those possible options?
You're not horrible, you're overwhelmed.

@oohmama I'm sorry to hear you feel the same, it's just heartbreaking knowing the issue is you. I hope we can both change and be better. For our DC.

I hope I can stop being so horrible before I ruin their little hearts forever. Or I hope I get the strength to leave. Either way they'll be better off. ❤️

How old are you? Any hormonal contraception?

You need to build time into your day and week to sit quietly in a tidy room and breathe.

Get a cleaner, make homework your husband's responsibility

Can you hire a professional organizer to help sort the house out?

Gym membership or class?

I think you should see your GP OP. This could be anxiety or depression and you’re talking about the kids being better off without you? Be kind to yourself if you can. Everyone struggles, it is human to be angry at times but it sounds like you’re worried this is beyond that level?

@Tal45 thank you taking the time. I'm certain I have a lot on, but so does everyone? Why should I get to crumble when others don't. I need to change, I need to be better or I need to leave.

@Mnusernc I'm 33, not on any medication, hormones or otherwise.

I think I recognise that maybe a large part of the issue is my inability to ask for help and/or my ridiculous deeply seated flaw that everything has to appear perfect to others.

Except of course my wonderful children who see the monster I really am.

How much caffeine, on social media? Over scheduled kids? Competitive friends? Just trying to understand where you can cut back

@Emelene thank you. I think your probably right, if a friend told me they were feeling the way I am I'd suggest the same, suggest AD, tell them to be kind to themselves.

But I feel like I should just be and do fu*king better for my children, I'm letting them down, and I can't bare that.

@Mnusernc couple of coffees a day, small friendship group which is lovely, my 6 year old has a couple of classes per week but nothing huge I wouldn't have said?

Not much time for or priority given to self care but who really does with small children?

Thank you for your input though. The goodness of the Mumsnet community is so supportive

Can you reduce your working hours or swap all the childcare for a single nanny/ housekeeper? Would be consistent for the kids and an extra adult around would take the pressure off and stop you shouting.

Also practice taking 5 quiet minutes when you feel yourself getting stressed x