I'm the issue and I'm ruining everything

[TickTockBaby]

Hello all,

I had considered name changing but I think that's a contributing factor and really I need to be honest with myself.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I seem to be angry all the time, my fuse is so short and I shout far too much.

I'm worried that Ive messed my home environment up so much and my poor children will only ever remember this raging mummy and toxic noisy house I've created.

From the outside? All is well I suppose, we have a nice house in a nice area, DH and I have been together a long time- mostly happily. I have a good job, as does he. We have a comfortable secure life.

We have two young DC, one pre-school and one primary (age 6).

My DH works shifts so naturally a lot of the life admin stuff falls to me, I work 4 days a week in a very demanding job that needs early starts and late finishes daily.

I feel like all I ever do is shout and all I ever feel is tired.

My DH try's I suppose, but I feel like he doesn't care as much as me so doesn't do it as well as I do, thinking about doing things for the children or jobs around the house etc.

Just reading that back makes me sound like a b*tch.

I love my children so much, I struggle with guilt leaving them for work. I just want to be with them.

I feel lost, unable to break this chain. And cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about the damage my yelling is doing and imagining the day my DC are on Mumsnet talking about their toxic upbringing and vile mother.

I think if DH was a bit better with managing the life stuff and engaged a bit more with the children's holistic needs I'd leave as I feel they'd do better without my presence.

My heart breaks for my little people, but I am the issue.

TickTockBaby. I understand and send unmumsnetty hugs. I have been where you are - different circumstances but angry and not able to ask for help because I was always 'the strong one, the one who could cope and get things (properly) done'. It ended badly.

You've put so much pressure on yourself. You say others have high mental load and are not angry but you don't know their coping strategies. What's important is you've taken the first step and recognised the issues (well done - that's a huge move). I know you've self referred but could you also confide in your doctor? S/he may be able to give you something to help you cope in the meantime. Take care

@FusionChefGeoff I really like what you said at the end of your post - a calm house is more important than all the stuff that needs to get done, really like that sentiment, thank you.
Modern life can be incredibly stressful, there is so much that HAS to be done just for the bare minimum standards of comfort (food shopping, clean clothes, basic cleaning). Do stuff that will make life easier. A 7 day simple meal plan with easy dinners, loads of school uniform so there’s always some clean, same with pants, socks etc. Put your phone down and focus on listening to your kids and playing with them, something silly, even 5 minutes. It’s good you are recognising you need to change.

Thank you @AutumnDays21, I really resonate with what you said about standards I've set for myself. Oddly, I do recognise I often make things harder for myself because of my constant aiming for perfection, I will really consider contacting my GP in the interim.

I feel like a permanent record on my medical notes of my inability to cope will really just confirm how fu*king shit I am.

Thank you @SandysMam. I understand exactly your sentiment that modern life is busy, but I can't help feeling like I should be able to do better, especially with my feelings of anger and the shouting around the home.

Im letting my DC down, and can't bare the thought that they'll hate me as they grow older or my vileness will be the only thing they can remember, and not that I love them so much and would tear the sky apart for them if they asked. I'm just a bit of a mess really.

@TickTockBaby I thought the same about having MH issues on my medical record. You know your GP but for me it was a another way of being 'perfect'. I was always ok, I can cope fine and don't need help so it was just another lens for the perfection to seep through.

There is a reason you strive for perfection, do you have an inkling for why that might be?

I would recommend counselling, but beware, if you start down that path, things tend to get a lot worse before they get better as problems and emotions come up to the surface and are hard to deal with. If I had to do it again I would skip therapy, although you might experience things differently.

You don’t owe anyone anything and you can be the person you want to be at anytime.

Stop the self lothing, the comparing, the stupid pressure you inflict on your self, no one is going to thank you for it. Has anyone thanked you for it so far? Thought not.

Change your mind set to something else you want, for instance, it’s no longer going to be about perfection and appearances, your not the Jones’, instead make it about comfort, memories, easy going live style, scandi vibe, messy hair and muddy boots, life filled with adventure and homeliness. My friend is like that, where I was the perfectionist with the perfect house, perfectly behaved children, loving husband, everyone wanted to be like me…..but i wanted to be like my carefree friend and her family instead. Perfection is fake and it doesn’t exist-its a mask to hide the ugly.
My ugly was that I was raised in a broken and abused home and my childhood was horrific, I was determined not to become the stereotypical person society expected a broken child like me to be. Obviously went too far the other way which is also not good. Strike a balance in life, that is the best bet.

@ChristmasKrackers I understand in some way you may be trying to help. However I am really struggling at the minute and each of your posts comes across as extremely critical and 'harsh'.

I don't strive for perfection for any stepford or keeping up with the jones' reason, I strive for it because I love deeply and want the absolute best for those I care about, and I can see that this has caused issues in myself for that are now presenting as low mood, self loathing and anger, which of cause is ironically the exact opposite of the perfectionist ideal.

Additionally, telling me to "stop" and "change"- alas if it was only that east nobody would ever struggle with MH would they?

Thank you @AutumnDays21 that is an incredibly helpful viewpoint

It wasn’t meant to Tiktok, I thought you said above you put pressure on yourself to be perfect and that was part of the problem, maybe I misread that.

Of course saying stop and change doesn’t solve the problem, but those two things are what therapy and any self help will be about, identifying the problem, accepting it for what it is and trying to change it (that’s a very general outline obviously).
Without stopping and being in the moment and trying to change things, everything would just remain the same wouldn’t it.
I’m obviously not coming across to you the way that I’m intending so I’ll leave the thread and wish you luck.

It wasn't easy to get to where I am now - I didn't necessarily lose my shit with my kids but my drinking was completely out of control to "cope" with the (totally self generated) stress / expectations / resentments. I have now been in AA for 8 years and it's taken a lot of work on myself to 'hand it over' and let the universe take control instead of me.

It's totally possible to go from a 100% perfectionist who is falling apart to a 60% (on a good day ) achiever who is happier now than my wildest dreams.

But you need to stop beating yourself up - start accepting that you aren't perfect - and it doesn't matter!!! So why bother trying for perfection everywhere..?!

My mantra when I first came into AA and still now if I feel myself getting swept up in life is 'it doesn't fucking matter"

Because it doesn't.

Kids eat cereal for tea to save you stressing about cooking - doesn't matter.
Kids watch too much TV to save you stressing about an activity or something - doesn't matter
Kids haven't had a bath for a couple of days - doesn't matter

Your natural standards are so insanely high you can afford a 40-50% drop and STILL be winning compared to a lot of people.

But you and your kids will be so much happier.

Thank you for the advice @FusionChefGeoff I'm pleased your doing well.

I'm really hoping to work on lowering my expectations of myself and work through my other issues.

I've found this thread really cathartic and mostly supportive. Thank you all.

But because of my insecurities I feel the need to clarify that I don't scream AT my children. More for example I'll be raging and ranting about, in retrospect, some minor thing in the another room to them and it breaks my heart once I've calmed down to think what they must be feeling while they hear it.

I will try to do better for them.