I hate motherhood - long post. Please help

[Helen2021]

Hi! I am Helen and I am 30 years old, married happily sine 2 years and mother of a 5 months old baby girl. I am currently struggling with feelings of anger, sadness and guilt and I need help. In order to understand my story I would give many details on the background. My daughter was deeply wanted by me. My husband could have lived all of his life without children, but understood I really want a child. I do not know the reasons for which I desired so much a baby. Maybe is because I was trying to give a purpose to my life. Before the baby I used to work as an attorney at law, but I never really liked my job. I had no hobbies. During the week I just waited patiently for the weekend to come in order to relax, spending time with my husband, friends and family. I was rather happy, but felt like sth was missing. I got pregnant very easy and had a wonderful and easy pregnancy. I thought motherhood will be great and that I would be a great mum. Turns out I thought wrong. After I gave birth to my baby I started feeling anxious, overwhelmed and scared. I was really anxious about motherhood, thought I could not take care of care. The first 6 weeks were pretty rough, my baby was not colicky, but had some kind of witching hour. My husband helped a lot as he was on paternity leave for one month. Even now, when he works (from home) he still helps me a lot. I used to cry a lot because I could not sleep properly (even when she slept). At some point when she was 6-7 weeks she had some days when she was super fussy and that is the point where I felt like my mental health was gone. For 2 days I felt like I made a terrible mistake and that I should have never had children. I felt like I did not want to take care of her anymore. These feelings kept coming and going at certain intervals. In short, whenever she is fussier than usual, I start having these feelings. For the record, she is globally what we can call a calm baby, she sleeps through the night or has a night feed that my husband handles. I am not sleep deprived, I get lots of help, I manage to shower daily (even twice), paint my nails, put make up on. During weekends my parents help us out so we can also go out. I do not have to clean the house as we have a cleaning lady coming in every week. However, somehow in this what some may call perfect scenario I feel angry and lost. I sometimes feel I do not even have the right to complain, as life is rather easy for me, as easy as it can be with a baby. Since maybe 3 weeks my baby girl is fussier than usual. She whines more often and is super hard to put her down for naps or for bedtime. I feed to sleep or rock to sleep when needed. In the past time I mostly rock to sleep. This drives me crazy. She is heavy and sometimes it takes so much time for her to fall asleep. Sometimes she does not settle in my arms and just screams. I dread the idea of putting her down to sleep. I feel out of control. Whenever she whines or cries I get triggered. I feel so much anger against the situation, against her. I have already been a little rough with her when swaddling, I shushed hard a couple of times and I told her harmful things (I know she does not understand but still). For instance today I told her that I hate her, which I do not think is true. I hate motherhood, the situation in itself but not her. After such episodes I begin to feel guilt and I just cry. Then she screams again and I feel anger again, lose patience. Is a vicious circle that keeps turning. My husband knows my feelings and is very supportive and helpful but honestly he cannot do anything. Even is he handles the baby for half of the day, I still get triggered once I get her. I need a looong mental break, but I cannot have it. Having some break does not seems to help me. I feel like a ghost of who I used to be. I feel trapped. I seriously think that given the chance I would revert things and remain childless. I strongly believe some people are not made to be parents, but I did not think I was one of them. I do not think this will pass. It is not just a phase. I am not a children person. I have always been short tempered and having a child demands a huge amount of patience, which I do not have. I do not know what to do. I do not want to fuck up the life of this little baby girl who did not ask to be born. I want to be a loving, caring mother, but I think I am not capable of being such mother. How could I be such a mother if I have started to lose temper and patience with a baby? She is only a little innocent baby and I have already told her I hated her and that I wished she was not born. My actions do not meet my desires, my views on motherhood. I do not know how to cast away all these negative emotions and start being grateful for what I have.

Have you spoken to a medical professional? I would suspect that it is extremely likely that you have post natal depression. Has no one mentioned that as a possibility?
There will be other people along soon who have felt exactly the same way you do. They will be bale to give some good advice.
All I can say is that you are definitely not alone in the way you feel. Motherhood is like this for many, many women. You need to get some proper help to start to feel better.

It gets much better when they’re more fun and able to interact, this is not indicative of you as a mother. Where are you, can you self refer to your local peri natal mental health service? And it’s not just you there is a mental health crisis for mums during the pandemic.

I also couldn’t stand my baby crying but they actually had a floppy throat which made it sound worse! Grown out of it now.

You mention your parents, but have you made other new mum friends with young babies? That support I found amazing as we enjoyed our babies together and it really helped.

Oh you poor thing, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I agree that motherhood is incredibly difficult and by far the biggest and hardest life adjustment many of us will go through.

I agree with a PP that you likely have post natal depression and it would benefit you to seek help. I didn’t and I desperately wish I had, as I look back now and realise how anxious and unwell I was.

Like most of us, your expectations were way off before you had your daughter. And your idealistic fairy tale has not met reality. Don't let your daughter bare the brunt of your crash back down to earth. Please seek therapeutic help as soon as you can. And remember nothing is permanent, not even these huge, encompassing negative feelings. Motherhood is hard, relentless, powerful, amazing, and it brings us all to our knees. You have to lean in and process what you are feeling. Please find a safe space to do that. Good luck.

Oh lovely that sounds hard. Please ring your GP or health visitor and have a chat as it definitely sounds like you’re low and need support. They deal with stuff like that all the time. Big hugs xxx

Smartiepants79 No, I haven't seek professional help yet.

@BakeOffRewatch Thanks. Yes, I am not from UK but I can seek professional help in my country. I have two mum friends, but we are not that close to share all of my feelings and I think they could not really understand, they seem to cope with motherhood way better.

@ShellfishLove Thanks.
@coffeeisthebest Exactly. I have always had idealistic expectations for everything in my life and they were obviously never met.

Anyway I really feel low.

Post natal depression is really hard and overwhelming. None of us can say if you have it but it seems very likely. There are better days ahead. Please seek medical help as soon as you can - you and your family don't have to struggle alone.

I think you need to seek help now. If this carries on to when she does understand what you are saying then she will end up a seriously disturbed child.

Your friends may well be feeling that you are coping with motherhood just fine, maybe even better than they are! If you don’t tell them they can’t help.
I had a friend who was struggling like you. She never said a word to anyone apart from her husband. In the long term it did not work out well for her and her children. I felt deep guilt for not being better support for her.
She is ok now but the trauma of what happened will never leave her family.
Please get some proper help.
And others are right, this is a moment in time. It can get better.

OP, I completely empathise.

I was desperate for a child after having trouble conceiving. When DS was born, within weeks I was feeling completely overwhelmed and trying to force myself to accept that I would have to just grit my teeth and bear this life of motherhood for the next 18+ years that I'd thought I wanted.

I had PND. I took antidepressants. I attended ALL the baby groups I could find and got out of the house and in company as much as I could. It helped.

My kids (yes I had another) are much older now. I still have moments when I wonder whether I'd have enjoyed a life without children more. But not often and I wouldn't choose to turn the clock back to make a different choice.

Have you suffered from depression previously? You're used to being in control of your own life and now, to a great extent, you're not. It's a huge change. Are you planning to go back to work? Even if you don't love your job, your career and status this gives you is still a large part of your identity. This phase is not forever.

See your GP. Keep busy. Find something that is just for you. I've joined a choir. A friend does open water swimming. A good mother doesn't have to martyr herself.

Oh OP I could have written this 25 years ago.
I was then diagnosed with sever PND and medicated, I also had a specialist counsellor because I felt so awful that I didn't love poor DS. I cared for him, looked after him and his needs but there was no bond.
It was explained that not everyone bonds with their baby instantly like you see/hear, for many woman/men it takes time, just like falling in love!
So here I am 25 years later and I love my DS more than anything, he is wonderful, smart and a lovely man now. It took me a year to love him, a year to not resent him, it was hard but so worth it.
Get some professional support OP.

OP, this really does sound as though it could be PND, which is very common and treatable.
(obviously no one can diagnose you over the internet)
Talk to your healthcare provider as soon as you can.
With proper treatment you should get better if that is what it is.

Hi Helen!

Are you me?!

I felt every single word of your post. I was exactly like this, down to feeling like I hated my baby and that I'm just not cut out to be a mother. It turns out I just hate the slog and drudgery and anxiety of having such a fragile life in my hands and I'm not a natural 'mother' figure either. The responsibility of looking after a tiny, helpless human being is mentally exhausting, and I just wasn't prepared for it.

I rocked my LO to sleep till about 6 months, he was also a heavy bugger and I was knackered.

Crying is still a huge trigger for me, I know a baby's cry is designed to get your attention but it cuts me to the bone when I hear my LO cry. Maybe it just triggers us differently to other people.

You are a good mum, you cared enough to post which means you want to be better. It does sound like you should have a chat to someone you trust about how you really, honestly feel (family member, OH, professional). Knowing WHY you feel like you do will make all the difference.

I just want to wish you the best of luck, you can do this. It gets easier and you are almost at 6 months, which is when it got much easier for me. You are not alone x

Lots of mums look like they are coping and finding things easy. Maybe if you tried opening up they may too. They probably think you are smashing it.

But first and foremost book a drs appointment this week. Things will definitely get better for you. You've made a great first move to make things more positive for you.

I could have written this post 20 years ago.
I ended up in my Dr's office on Christmas Eve 2001 with a 6 week old daughter who I wanted someone to take away and care for because I could not. If someone had asked me to sign her away I would have. I begged to be admitted to a psychiatric ward,just to get a break from her.
I've never written that down before.
Or said it out loud.
I was medicated immediately and diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. I was assigned a psychiatrist and very quickly began to feel like I could cope. 6 months later I couldn't believe I'd even had those feelings.
Now I have a wonderful daughter and a son and I love them both with all my heart. Not for one minute have I regretted them since that Xmas Eve in 2001.
The anxiety you feel now will not last forever but you need professional support.
At the moment you can't see the wood for the trees but you love your daughter and this post is your first step towards a brighter sky.
I promise you,it will get better.
Please ask for help 😊

OP I'm wondering if, because it was you who wanted a child you're putting more pressure on yourself, as if the whole weight of the responsibility sits on your shoulders? But actually you have given your husband a precious gift, and it sounds like is an equal partner, so please let yourself relax and not feel like you've done anything wrong, it's entirely natural to want a child and most women (and men) do become parents.

[quote Helen2021]@BakeOffRewatch Thanks. Yes, I am not from UK but I can seek professional help in my country. I have two mum friends, but we are not that close to share all of my feelings and I think they could not really understand, they seem to cope with motherhood way better.

@ShellfishLove Thanks.
@coffeeisthebest Exactly. I have always had idealistic expectations for everything in my life and they were obviously never met.

Anyway I really feel low.[/quote]
It's great that you recognise this in yourself. Please seek therapy to address the disparity within yourself. Our kids haven't come here to meet our expectations, they are just going to do what they do. The more we expect them to meet what we want, the harder life becomes for all of us. Also, drop any comparisons with other Mums. That never goes well in my experience!

I could have written this 11 years ago. Please seek Professional support and advice. It does sound like post natal depression and there are great options to help you improve. Have you told your husband how you feel? Be honest with him, he sounds like a good man

I also think you need to speak to a doctor, this could easily be post natal depression which is very common and stopping you bonding. It doesn’t need to be like this, seek help.

The posts above are all very helpful.
The only other suggestion I have is taking the services of a nanny if you can afford it. You need a break and need to look after yourself. By handing over the care of your daughter to a professional, you can relax that your daughter is in safe hands while you take time for yourself.

Oh I totally get what you’re saying about not feeling able to share. The only people who know for me are women I met in the PNMH peer support group, who also said exactly some of the stuff you said, sometimes worse. Everyone mentioned anger feelings. Please do reach out to services or groups, you will find them immensely helpful. A year on, some of these women am still close friends and we have all come so far and strongly bonded with our babies and toddlers.

This sounds like postnatal depression, please reach out for some support before things escalate for both your sake and the baby’s sake. It’s not ok to be telling a baby that you hate them and you know that. I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty but to remind you that you yourself have recognised that this is not an OK state of affairs for either you or the baby. You need support for both of your sakes.

Thank you all for your support. These last 3 days I have been better. My baby girl was not fussy anymore so this has positively impacted my mood. I am seeing my doctor today because I know that those horrible feelings will come back. Since 2 months almost I have bad and good days and when is bad is really bad.

Hope your doctor was able to help, OP. Glad you have had a few better days too.